Pre-Raw: Data impregnated his cat.

This rebeak consists of me being an asshole and may contain traces of peanuts. Yo yo yo, I wanna give a shoutout to my boy Sofa who is now the second victim of a wrestler-themed natural disaster. Orlando "Sandstorm" Jordan.

TONIGHT: Christian vs. RVD with a ladder, Goldberg & Shawn vs. Ric & Randy not.

They still get an intro- and they're still AL STONE and MISSING D-LO <3 <3. Coach has on a Favre jersey, but nobody really cares that much because it's the Bears. JERICHOPENING PROMO: last Monday, Austin beat up Bischoff and Goldberg beat Jericho with the "jackhammer slam". Y2J correctly notes that there are indeed people present here tonight. But before he says anything of note, here's EB GAMES. We're like 2 minutes into the show and I've got absolutely nothing in my rebeaking tank. Except LUV. Eaze announces that because of the unprovoked BEETdown lask week, the Board Of Education has decided to suspend Austin for one week. That's not just Raw, folks- he can't appear on Heat, EITHER! Back to Jericho, who thinks Austin got off 2 EZ. The clay holiday title was his, or so we are led to believe. The crowd declines to agree. "I don't know who makes me more sick- you people, or my guest tonight" who just happens to be ED FERRARA. Coach and Al stand in a sign of respect... respect for the poor jersey absorbing JR's nasty pig sweat. SWISH. In an ongoing occurance of matchmakery, one GM has signed the contest to take place, but then the other GM fires back with CWAZY stipulations. Bisch says Coach getst to pick what type of match he wants with JR tonight. After much deliberation, Jonathon picks the rare "No Fatties" match and is immediately declared the winner. Jericho ponders where the Godwinns are today, and a Country Whippin' match is stumbled upon. Everybody decides that would waste much more valuable time tonight. Make it so. Y2J is the only person who remembers that JR was BBQ'd a scant few months, saying that his back is still "scarred, and seered, and scabus" before delighting us with a frighteningly accurate impression of JR's misfortune. Bischoff then acts like he's gonna change it, BUT DOESN'T. That's why they pay him the big bux. "Now what what do you think about that, cow-boy?" JR calls Eric and Chris bastards, and tells Choff that he sucks just like Coach and Al do. Jericho plays peacemaker and it's a kick to the gut and a Walls Of Him which JR sells shittily before FUCKED CHRIS ADAMS' SLOPPY SECONDS comes out to make the save. Coach and Snow oversell Austin's renegade ways. Bischoff calls security, which consists of local enhancement talent- one looks like a Jarrett/Regal combo, the other a RTC-era Stevie/Christian value meal. The latter is warned about harming Austin's drinking arm. BUT HO, the former is now warned about Austin's "other drinking arm"! Austin, you tumultuous varlet. You've captured the hearts and livers of us all. Right To Christian gets a stunner, Jarregal simply gets a punch and a stomp out of the ring. Pointless.

Joe Schmoe, Viewtiful Joe, Starburst Ass. Psycopaths are pricing down the GameCube to 99 America-brand dollars.

Outside, Austin is standing behind two yellow police barriers, each with two incredibly inept security guards/orange coat guys behind them. They really have his number.

Drop da bombshell and all that will survive are D-VON STORM and BUBBA RAY ROGERS. BRD wears his tag title to the ring like a necklace because he's a fucking tool. Their opponents are I COULD HAVE BEEN TRIPLE H and MESH WARRIOR (w/ FORMER DUDLEYVILLE LIBRARIAN.) Stacy is wearing a sleeveless shirt with a long tie, somehow combining my existing hatred towards her with that of Avril Lavigne. Congratulations. Test does Stacy's "look at my ass" rope straddle which is totally Rico, in that it is gay and awesome. Stacy tries doing it after Test is done, but her efforts are blocked by the Ruler Of Testonia, who is indeed ruling it. Buh and Test start out with basic clubbery until the Dusty Rhodes Crotch Enhanced Elbow is countered with a thumb to the eye. A tag attempt is made but Steiner backs down the stairs, wisely recognizing his own faults and that adding them to a match with the Dudleys would be an ill-conceived programming decision. It's time for the jumping double team eyelash to the nutsac, right in front of the ref, no less. Nick Patrick, being an Alliance ref, is fair and balanced (coming up, the Al Frankensteiner) until Test escapes with a lowblow and a ref shove into the ropes, causing D-Von to crotch himself. A-Mart hits the pumphandle slam on Von but Steiner pulls him off at 2. Test doesn't care for this. He goes to ringside and grabs a chair, but Stacy sneaks up behind him and grabs it herself. Test is all "fuckin bitch" and shoves her ass to the ground. Stacy gives us "shocked". Full nelson assblaster for Test while Steiner attends to Stacy. As a reward for his chivalry, the Dudleys give him D3 which dyslexic fans are sure to let us know about. Steiner rolls out and Test rolls in with a weak double clothesline. Setting up for Das Boot on Bubba, he is sidetracked by a tap on the back from Stacy and an accompanying girly chair shot... WHICH TEST EVEN PUT HIS HANDS UP FOR. You fucking pussy. There's 3D, and that's the end. Stacy is happy. Exit Dudleys. After the match, Stacy gloats in Test's general direction, which causes him to grab her by the tie and spring forth with threats of danger violence. So Scotty saves her, then grabs a mic. They both agree that their love for Test is middling at best. Steiner asks Stacy if she wants to know if he forgives her. Got that? His loss at No Mercy is referenced, "and you did just cost me the world tag team titles" (apparently him pulling Test off of D-Von earlier slipped his mind) but blah blah blah. "And now you want to know if I forgive you? HELL NO." She turns to run, but Steiner grabs her by the hair and gives her a belly2belly! There may be hope for him yet. Even the HEEL commentators are outraged. Test marks out. Hopefully this leads to months and months of Test and Steiner doing a "No, THIS is how you kick her ass!" comedy act. Raw, dare I dream... are you becoming tolerable?

House Of The Dead has an extremely outdated and inappropriate DMX song on its commercial. Bad outdated games become worse outdated movies. Tracy Morgan remains captain of Team Acco-rit. You know what you never see in car commercials? 55,000 people screaming HHH's name.

Moments ago, Steiner gained an ounce of coolness. Snow oversells it like a motha' and for heel commentators, these guys ain't so hot right now. Kevin Dunn is namedropped so Al will receive an extra $3.50 in his paycheck this week. Stacy was helped backstage by somebody.

TONIGHT: TRIPLE H'S MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! Spoiler: gay.

WALKING TOWEL RACK has arrived to discuss his bedside manor with Shane last week. He tasted Shano's blood, and liked it. Well seasoned. Kane is in agreement that the feud between he and Shane should continue for the longest time. Before I get any further chances to reference Billy Joel, GREENY McBRACES arrives and directs Kane's attention to the Titantron. "Do you remember... THIS?"

and we get a photo of Hurricane in a little green thong, signed "To the Big Red Machine- you start a fire in me. Love, Hurrikane. PS: I spelled it Hurrikane so your name is a part of mine! It's like you're inside me! LOL! And begin (taking my clothes off!)"

I'm over here now. Finally the fanfic wears off and we get footage of Kane and Cane each delivering a chokeslam to Storm and Christian to win the tag titles. Hugz. This really made me not miss JR shouting at the top of his lungs about shit. Long story short, Hurri asks why he turned heel. Kane calls him an insect (Zorak) and then is all "I h8 da peeps." Helms is invited to a fight, but declines, citing friendship and reconcilable differences. Kane, however, is a manly man, and his bloodlust must be satiated. Why, here's a conveniently placed young fan in thr front row with a Hurricane mask on! What are the odds??? Kane suggests that now is the time for pain and clumsily asks the boy out for a date. His advances are rebuffed and Hurricane ATTAX seeking punitive damages for the breaking of his green eggs and heart. I will not sell, Kane I am, and Gregory gets a spinebuster to the post. A chokeslam is teased before SHAT IN THE HAT saves his supermentor and we out, we out.

Billy Hatcher. Say no more.

Lita book ad. "I lived a triple life in Mexico." Pre-op, post-op, Esse Rios.

Earlier tonight, product placement. NATURAL BORN FILLER are playing WM XIX for the Gamecube. Standing up. Get those jobbers some chairs! THE MARK OF JIN has selected Chris Jericho, whilst the predictable yet still charming HARDBODY GARRISON hath selected Shawn Michaels. MAVEN EFFECT walks in and correctly identifies the product. Good job. "Right now I'm kicking Jindrak's ass." "Yeah, cuz you stayed up all night in the hotel room and played it, practiced." "It was more productive than what you were up to last night." "Hey, don't hate me cuz I'm single." 2 points for the Unit but 3 big points for 'Drak as he managed to divert a masturbation joke as well as insinuate that he was having sex. It's not clear if they shared a hotel room... if they did, erase all points. Enter ROB CONWAY'S ARMADA FEATURING SYLVAIN MENDERCHUCK. Rene is there too, looking frighteningly like circa 1998 Rock. The Game has been... paused. "Is this how you three losers prepare for a match against La Resistance- talk about your one night stands and play stupid video games?" Conway is all "I read books, you latte-hating, all-american so and sos! Don't ya know nothin?" and Cade is all "I know one thing, that if you guys lay down tonight like France did in World War II to the Axis Powers, that tonight's gonna go pretty quick for the three of us." Garrison Cade, history buff. The Frenchies counter by saying that World War II was over 200 hundred years ago. Awesome. Maven says they know all about "laying down" and mentions their title loss last week. Rene: "You think you're funny, huh? What are you, Chris Rock?" I transcribed much of that because it was absolutely FANTASTIC and I'm downright FLOORED that THOSE 5 made Maven look like the green one on the mic. Seriously.

When I stop the tape to type stuff up, my willingness to trudge forward is relative to what's on tv while it's stopped. Last week, I had a Roseanne marathon. This week, I stop it, and there's Sam Malone kissing Carla. The world is a fucked up place.

And now, it's DORF ON GOLF and FREEDOM FRIES vs STUDENT OF AL SNOW, STUDENT OF SHAWN MICHAELS, and STUDENT OF SARGEANT BUDDY LEE PARKER OF THE STATE PATROL. Jindrak's nickname... that's called me "doing a solid" for JG and proving that THE MIST-ERIOUS YT was excellence in comparison. The three Jung Stallions almost rush the ring too soon again, causing Lillian to stutter away through the intro. Ruckus to start, and Coach decides on his commentary psychology- "What kind of a name is Maven, anyway?" He's picked a body part! Do not mistake this for true heelery- Jon and Al still fall all over themselves to say how much they love the Good Old USA and hate those damn Frenchies. This match is sadly nowhere near as entertaining as the video game-related promo that preceded it. Maven's jumping DDT from the top rope looks as horrible as ever. Conway gets that but Maven turns around into High Timez. Cade and Jindrak regroup. Rob Awakening is countered into Hold And Hit (the super jumpy dropkick.)  Good guys win.

UP NEXT: HHH's announcement ain't nuthin' but a bee thang. And there's the commercial. Hey there Oven Mitt, you scary food-handling creep. Joe Schmoe has bee related activities this week. The glass ceiling is made of pollen.

Backstage, Austin is still vaguely threatening the security guards that stand between him and the glory that is watching Raw in person. CHRONIC THE HEADSHOP shows up to thank Steve for his opportunity at winning the Icee Is So Irie title tonight. He leaves after promising to win the title- for Austin. Me thinks Rob has a crush. Before that is pondered any further, BRIAN BOSWORTH shows up to admire Austin and introduces himself as TLC Documentary Superstar "Big" John Heidenreich. Before we continue, I must point out the brilliance of the nickname ref- 1. Bosworth bears a resemblance to John. 2. Bosworth was an XFL commentator. 3. BB made a guest appearance on Nash bridges- just like Austin. 4. What was Bsowroth's first movie, you ask? That's right, 1991's "Stone Cold". DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT A GREAT NICKNAME THAT IS? I fully expect anyone reading this to come and beat my ass right now. Anyway, Heidenreich drools all over Austin and quickly establishes his character as that of "Tori- Sable's obsessed fan". He bought a ticket here tonight, and between you and me, I think Austin may be hatching a plan!

Live from somewhere, it's CONDESCENDING GOLF CLAP. Game congratulates Goldberg on surviving a whole week as champ. He's had like one match, Trips. Anyway, we're regaled with a story of how HHH found Jamie Noble's briefcase full of sex toys and inheritance money in a men's room stall at a Bob Evans in Crackertown, Crackerstate. The case is opened, and having saved the dildo for "private time", it contains nothing but 100.... thousand.... dollars. Crisp Benjamins, unmarked. The offer is now on the table- whoever takes Goldberg out gets the cash. H says "learning tree".

Smark time: hey, shouldn't everybody drop what they're doing and go beat the fuck out of Goldberg right now?

Up next: bad things.

No Merse-aaay: Taker doesn't forget, doesn't forgive, and gets really fucking pissy when Brock steals his Go-Gurt.

Plug for Trish's DVD, 100% Stratusfaction Guaranteed. "Trish has personally jam-packed this video..." I bet. The Collector's Edition? Is there some fucking "Rental-Only" editon floating around out there that Trish didn't personally jam-pack herself? Maybe the collector's edition comes with some stupid fucking hat.

COACH BUZZ STERN has horrible, ill-volumed theme music. SOONER SYNDROME's ain't much better. Before that gets started, here's TAXI PANTS out to do HEEL guest commentary. Let's face it, I don't want to watch this, you don't want to read it. This match is simply an excuse for JR to live out his lifelong dream of slave mistreatment. Jericho says that Coach reminds him of Tito Santana. Tee hee. I think Hebner got accidentally hit with a Country Whip because he keeps rubbing his elbow. Jericho is absolutely running RINGS around Snow right now. JR's pastey white flesh is briefly exposed. Now Coach loses his top. Bischoff is out but he gets Country Whipped as well. JR hits a "stunner" which is to say that Coach sold it perfectly for a stunner but JR's fat ass just kinda fell down like it was a diamond cutter. Anyway, it was horrible but at least it's over. The King must have won the match because here's his music. I hate them so much that Lawler isn't even good enough for a wacky nickname, like KAT SNATCH FEVER. Austin now appears in the crowd, having taken Heidenreich's ticket that he saved up for 50 seasons with the Seahawks to pay for. Austin, just like any other fan has the right to do, jumps the barricade and hits the ring for some mic time. He welcomes back Lawler and Ross with beer o'plenty. Jericho has just lost his shit at this point about JR and is calling him Dick Butkus. "This night sucks, that's all I can say."

WM Rewing: Butterbean kicks Bart Gunn's ass for the 50 millionth time.

Let the dick suckery begin as Lawler tells JR how great he is. They've reclaimed the booth. Here's footage of WM tickets going on sale at MSG. You'd be hard pressed to find a bigger collection of jackasses.

FILTHY TERRI has been let into the ring for some horrible reason. "There is only one word to describe the diva I'm about to introduce to you, and that is... Lita!" I think nothing best describes TWO SYLLABLE WRESTLING WHORE like her name. Somebody actually rings the bell during her entrance, despite this not being a match. York plugs the book and says that Leeta not only managed to start a shelter for homeless dogs, but she also wrote an "autobotography", in Terri's words. If I started talking Transformers, there'd be a Bumblebee line, and we'd move back to Triple H and this would go on forever. So let me just say this: the Protectobots were true heroes. Back in non-playtime world, Lita is saying a whole lot of nothing and doing an annoying ass Cher impression with her tongue. She's thankfully interrupted by MOLLY RINGWALD and GONNA EAT LITA'S DOG. It just wouldn't be right without hilarious, inaccurate racism. Molly wants to know why Gail's DVD "Anal Asians 7" (it's jam packed) and her book "Food For A Giant Ass" aren't being plugged on the air. Kim waffles Lita with her own book. Double suplex takes way too long to set up and stall on because JAM PACKED COLLECTOR'S EDITION is out to save her pal... slowly. After she's sampled the dog, Kim absolutely EATS a Faarooq style standing spinebuster from Trish. "Boosh" goeth Trish's face hitting the canvas because HOORAY FOR FLOWER POWER is out and there's the motherfucking WIDOW'S PEAK on Stratus! Double DDT on Lita. They really should have switched those up for maximum effectiveness. Molly then rips a page out of Lita's book and STUFFS IT IN HER MOUTH! Yes! This segment would only have been better if Molly and Vic had turned on Gail and then stuffed her dead body down Lita's throat. Also perhaps jam-packing Trish's DVD in her eye.

TOWER OF POWER: Last week, Kane was crazy like Gemini, but approachable like Malibu. (Who was also on the TLC wrestling special, and if you aren't feeling all the tie-ins tonight, I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR YA.)

APPROACHABLE LIKE MALIBU is still waiting for that old flame to return. (Rick Bogner.) ZORAK gets no pop because everybody knows he's about to get destroyed. After some minimal offense, Kane takes over quick-like with a chokeslam and man that was fast. Post-mortem, there's another CHOAKSLAM and it's so powerful that it restarts Kane's music. Moltar In Training was nowhere to be found.

BUNGHOLE SURFER asks some meaningless question to GOLDENBERG but THE BOSS OF HEAT zooms in and ATTAX with his mind on the money and the money on his mind. Bill shrugs Stevie off and destroys him because Victoria won the coin flip and got to be the one looking strong this week. Poor, poor Stevie.

Kill Bill: a HHH/Tarantino joint.

Hebner does the "sit on the ropes" bit to allow easier entry for DIAPER RANDY and ADULT DIAPER RIC. Why? The world may never know. They're facing I BELIEVE IN JESUS AND IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT I LET YOU KNOW THAT VIA T-SHIRT who isn't your boy toy and 100,000 DOLLAR BILL, who very well may be. A Flair for the Gold start out in a test of strength spot where Berg ends up dominating them both. Orton and Michaels in now. Funky backbreaker connects on HBK. Clubbing blows. Remember when Orton was safely out of the way and tagging with Bob Holly on Velocity? Me neither. Goldberg is in and running wild. Lot of back bodydrops. Press slam for Randy and he GORES Flair before Orton hits the ground. But SAY WHO'S THAT CAT IN THE FUNKY HAT? is in with a chair and is going to be thugging and buggin his way to using the bounty money in order to purchase a chain of Mackdonalds. There's like 3 people in the world who get that joke from Confidential, and I'm sure Teddy Long and Coach don't even remember it. Anywho, Mack is on the attack (his chair-cherry attack has opened up the Dairy Queen at this point) until The Berg Strikes Back with a spear. SHADES OF EDGE! Meanwhile outside the ring, MARK HENRY WAS A STEEL DRIVIN' MAN, is living up to that horrible nickname by driving Shawn into the STEEL steps. There's the setup for the Jewjacker in the ring while in the background we see Henry drop HBK on the steps awkwardly, knee first. So of course, when we next see Shawn, he's gushing freshly unpacked jam all on his forehead. Mark has not only confused Shawn with Goldberg as the guy he has to kill, but he also thinks the prize is just a 100 Grand candy bar. Oh, Henry.

Commercials. No time.

Backstage, Teddy is talking up Henry for a match next week with Goldberg. The camera zooms in way too close. This was largely uninspired. The announcers tell us that Henry could be the guy to collect the bounty. You playin'.

Rundown shit. The Rock says retarded things and beats up girls. Go see his movie.

Backstage, FAN OF TENTACLE RAPE walks past Lita and Trish, says "Ladies, what's goin' on?" and blows them a kiss. Then we hear DISEMBODIED VOICE: FORM OF... WOMAN say "one more time, one more time"... and Christian walks back for another take as Lita and Trish just smile away. We then fade to black... and to the ring. 2 weeks in a row with a Christian-related production mis-hap. Keep the streak alive, my creepy little brutha. As Lawler and JR cover the snafu, we zoom into see the IC title hanging high above the ring. It has a nameplate with Christian's name on it. This was a fact I was previously unaware of.

Last ads. Let's bring it on home.

Wrestlemania Rewing: Christian was a mean person last week.

15 CHEESEBURGERS plans on running over CHRISTIAN LIKES BOYZ. Boyz 2 Men. It's so hard to say goodbye to the IC title. Rob starts early by throwing a fine selection of kicks. A ladder is retrieved from under yon ring. Van Dam showed up in his purple dragon onesie so Christian had to outgay him with pink and white graphics on black. It's like Bret Hart got crossed with a Petit Four from Swiss Colony. Anyway, Chris gets a baseball slide + ladder in the mush, setting up Rob's scary plancha where he lands on the side of the ladder with his back and ass. Holy Poop chant. On the replay, it looks more like he landed knee-first but he's not selling it. It is RVD, of course. Christian retakes control by sending Van into the steps. A ladder bridge is setup between the barricade and steps, and after some jostling, Christian is depositied on top of it and gets the ass end of RVD's spinning guillotine legdrop from the the barrier. Back in the ring, RVD is reversed into the corner, and more importantly, into a ladder. Same ladder and Christ KILLS him with a catapult into it face first. Chris goes a climbing but is pushed and lands relatively safely before eating a spinkick from Dam. RVD collapses a ladder, press slams(!) Christian onto the ladder, and then does a freaking standing moonsault on him while Chris is still bouncing from the press slam. That was pretty goddamn cool. Crowd is appreciative. Lawler meanwhile ruins the mood talking about how RVD must have played Chutes & Ladders when he was a kid. PLZ DIE. Van Dam rams the ladder into Christian, knocking him out of the ring. Rob begins the climb but is stopped at the last second as Christian ATTAX0RZ the lower back and then hits the layout slop drop from the 5th rung up, or "10 foot drop" if you're the commentary team. The replay reveals Rob talking before the spot- oops. Christian takes the ladder and tucks it under the second turnbuckle. Going for a slam, but RVD escapes and hits a monkey flip, sending Tian onto the ladder, which bends. Ow. Rob pulls the ladder out a bit and here's rolling fucking thunder on the goddamned ladder. Jesus. Van Dam sets up a ladder in the corner as JR says he wants Christian to be "a stain in the mat." Rob climbs, but is brought back down to earth as Christian grabs the leg and gives him a yank. The other ladder is picked up for weaponry, but ends up as the focal point of a Van Daminator. Christian laid out on a ladder while RVD finds the furthest corner away, and leaps up... five star MISSES and Van Dam lands ouchie first on the ladder. Man. Christian tries a ladder charge again and this time it hits. Van Dam falls to the outside. The champ goes a climbin, but RVD is in pursuit. It's trivial, however, as Christian boots RVD away and climbs higher. He's got one hand on the belt but Van Dam dropkicks the ladder out from under him! Christian goes crashing down and kinda lands in a weird kneeling position, possibly with one knee directly hitting the ladder on impact. Both guys climb seperate sides of the ladder. Teetering it be, and it tips as Christian lands throat first on the top rope whilst Van Dam has jumped to the other ladder standing in the corner. He goes all the way up, standing on the very top, does the You Know Me point, and there's one big ass extreme splash. The shit has yet again been deemed holy. RVD is up and has the ladder open... and places it directly over Christian's torso. We get a good shot from crowd level as Van Dam grabs the title and falls to the mat. We get some quick OMGs from JR, and we're outta here.

Final Thoughts: That ladder match was pretty damn good. Can't really say much more than that.