Pre-Show: Lint and buttons. Knowing my UPN, probably Becker.

Back in my day, we didn't have no dirty Mexicans at our WrestleManias. Now let's get some more of them Peanut Buster Parfaits.

Tonight- The Mania Of WrestleManiacs. WITNESS Scott Keith's formative years as a giant asshole! FEEL the power of Rick Scaia's nothingness! ABSORB the funk as CRZ's catchphrase changes from "walking" to "frick"! REVEL in E.C. Ostermeyer's anonymity! FRET over the uncomfortable sex drive of Mike "MiCasa" Samuda!

The gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, ass-punching adventure we're about to partake upon is so highly thought of by UPN, they've teamed it together with Game Over and The Mullets for "Friday Night Fights", which I'm sure is still trademarked by somebody. Max is crying.

No "all the shows" opening for us, this is a "WWE Films" joint. 40 acres and a Doink.

Our narrator is GOVERNOR UNCLE JESSE. "Have you ever experienced that one defining moment in life, that extraordinary event that captures your heart and lives in your soul until you die?" Eww. But having now heard this opening, I can say, YES, MISTER VENTURA, I do! Random shots of folks walking about. Wow, I totally forgot Rock vs. Austin was on the last WM. Also, I've now figured out this is hard, because it's supposed to be a movie, so a rebeak isn't... fuck it.

Mortals become legends. Let's hope the rest of this gets more recappable.

Hey, here's everybody working out. Jazz runs down a hallway like a goddamn idiot.

Welcome to Seattle. "WrestleMania fever had taken over the town." Oh god, there's I'M A CRACK ADDICT... I'M ADDICTING TO CRACKING SKULLS AND ALSO TO USING COCAINE. Keep punchin' that air, Durst. Hey, maybe DEVIL WITHOUT A HEPATITIS SHOT can come back and play American Badass for this year's terribly out of date UT theme. Jesse proclaims WM19 to be more "personal than the others". Let's hear from THE GREENWICH SNOB: "This group is like a group of brothers- some of your brothers (Jericho shown) you get along with better than others (here's Flair), and you have the one brother (Booker T... racism) that you just really don't like that much (Hogan) so you put up with them at dinner and stuff." That was random. Time for some PURPLE. He's undefeated in matches AND theatrics, according to Jesse. Such a drama queen. Fred and Undie yakkin. Hooray, here's the live performance of Rollin. Damn this is bad. Taker should have walked out in a sports bra and Yankees cap. He contemplated retiring a few years prior to this, but sadly for WWE, he didn't. On the plus side, he started blogging. Taker enters as Durst sings "hot mommas" which is... dumb? Eh. This whole thing is way faggier than anything. Even the teardrop tattoo drawn on in marker.

And now, a special look at POPCORN FART. Rock was an international icon before hitting it big with Hollywood Stardom, sayeth Jesse. Vince says "Rock, as popular as he is, was never quite Stone Cold Steve Austin." That sounds a lot more controversial than it really is. Austin "was put on the face of the earth" to wrestle. He loves it more than anything, where "anything" is EVERYTHING except punching Debra in the back. GO FOR THE FACE, STEVE. Rock sure got screwed out of a decent segment there. "Steve Williams" is said and we all gasp. Austin's life was a slippery slope down Debra's nose, and when he came back, everybody hated him. So here's footage of him hugging Kurt Angle, something you'd think would be reserved for hilarity. In case you hadn't heard, Owen fucking killed him. He's a big pansy, but didn't want to tell anybody he was hurt. If Austin keeps calling himself Steve Williams, "Positively" Bart Gunn is gonna pop out of nowhere and knock him the fuck out. In a funny-only-to-me sequence, Austin walks by Big Show, who doesn't even look up at him, and then by Shannon Moore, who quickly gets out of Austin's way with a scared look on his face. MOORE MOORE MOORE. Ventura: "He told no one that WM19 would be his last match." Austin: "Really, who cares?" Haha. He misses being "the guy". Austin would do damn near anything for Vince, even punch Linda if he asked. Stone Cold's main concern was not getting hurt against Rock, but also "not stinking up the joint". Later, after this interview, Austin placed a "frantic phone call" from his hotel room to "close friend Jim Ross". I'll spare you the cheap joke and just tell you that they made love that night. Love that only a cowboy can make to another cowboy. Steve was taken to a hospital, because he just couldn't stop the kickin. WILL AUSTIN BE DEAD BY THE END OF THIS SHOW?

Commercials. For being an apparent badass, Hellboy sure looks like he has two bitten-off erasers sticking out of his head. Shatner is doing ads for Wendy's now. Wow. I'd like to name my own price for your big sweet ass. I never realized Jason Giambi looked so effeminate. I really shouldn't be talking after all the homo-erotic portions of this and the WM Top 10 rebeak. Still, his deodorant has "all the muscle a man needs". Replace needs with "craves". Here's a spinoff of the Nike "oh ho ho they play other sports!" commercial with FAGGASI. Burn. And Game Over. Always Game Over.

We return with GAY MOVER movin' on down to the ring with his sexy little zipline and mirrored chaps. Shawn declares himself a brand new person. Now he's a gay dad instead of a gay bachelor. Oh boy, here's a candid shot of Shawn and Whyspyr walking with their son, Yyyyyy. Shawn says "as long as I'm breathing in and out", so judging by the timeframe of this, I guess Shane was the one doing the ripping off of that line right before Kane beat his ass on that fateful night in Unknown Location, PA. Jericho lost the WM match, of course. Backstage, HBK shakes hands with Earl Hebner (oooh) and then is just all "sup" to the Hulkster before walking away. Sadly we'll never see that classic showdown come to life. Here's some clips of all the bad matches on the show. Nathan Jones nowhere to be found. But talk of "a rookie" brings us to his fellow milkmaid, WON'T JOB TO MARK THE DEAD GUY, WILL JOB TO MARK BRUNELL. Brock says "gorilla position", and ALMOST has to beat his own smarky ass. Flair kisses up. All of the sudden, we're warped back into Brock's segment from Confidential. Jesse hypes up Angle vs. Brock based on their amateur backgrounds. Angle thought rasslin was for FAGZ before he watched Raw Is War and saw Mark Henry get a blowjob from a transvestite. He could taste the stank, and that magical stank led him to where he is today- jobbing for America. Kurtsy claims jealousy on Brock's part, because he is not an Olympic Gold Medalist. And down the spine panties those medals will go. Here's our hero's daughter, DidIMentionIWasAnOlympicGoldMedalist Angle. She's got her father's modesty. Here's Kurt Angle-Warner's stripper wife Karen and his stripper dog, Buttons. Between you and me, he should have married the dog. I take that back, HE DID MARRY THE DOG, BAM BITCH heeeeeh.

Adzz. Shards O' Glass Freeze Pops. Don't tease me, The Truth. What a great selling point that skating as Gene Simmons is to apparently selling Tony Hawk Underground. "Rock Me Baby" is finally returning! It's the Bill Wennington of UPN!

And we're back. What caused Austin's near-death experience? "Energy drinks, coffee, and stress". Austin owns stock in Hansen's and Sanka, and ALL THEY DO IS COMPETE AGAINST EACH OTHER. It's nerve-raping. Increased nerve raping. Fuck, I'm horrible. JR: "His heart was racing." I bet, Tex. As match time approached, Austin was quiet and introspective while Rock was a smiley emoticon. Mr. Monkey Face Rape says the fans will be "booin' my ass", which I originally thought was "poo in my ass". I'll never get out of the bathroom. I'm actually typing this, right now, on the toilet. The first ever (known) Bottomless Rebeak. True story. So yeah, Austin's a scared little girl and Rock is happy as a clam with lips. Backstage, Stone Cold tells Jericho he had a "hell of a match" and Chris wishes him well. This is followed my what is more than likely the only time Matt Hardy will be on this show- 4 seconds of out of focus video as he walks by Austin.

JR talks about trying to hold in the secret that this could be STONE COLD'S LAST MATCH BAH GAWD while elsewhere, Team Cockroach holds it's weekly shareholders meeting. Sales in condom hats are soaring. On to the match, with Rock's entrance video cut into with a big ole' shot of the bull on his ass. Rudy Poo. Hey, has anybody ever made a joke about Austin hailing from "Victoria, Texas"? I'm sure TNM has by now. It probably kills Steve that he lives in a girly pink arachna-town. Here we go. JR is bleeped. Moving way too fast for rebeakery. Rock puts on Austin's vest, which is pretty cool. Stone Cold responds with Beer Bottom. And there's the Nicotrel Stunner. Austin with one of his own and there's the Bowling Pin Sell. Rock customizes the People's Elbow (middle fingers) like he used to do back when he was COOL. Austin kicks out as Ross calls him the "rattlestick". One Rock Bottom- no. Two, no. Here's another hundred false finishes. Third Rock from the Bottom and it's over. Rock proceeds to make out with his family. Austin is happy being a big fat loser. Rock and Austin share a secret moment that nobody else will ever hear about. So then Steve spills the beans and says that the Rock told him he loved him... and he said it back. GET A ROOM. This is too much, even for a sappy old gent like myself. And the best way for WWE to express how great this moment is with a crappy song by Creed. No, not *that* song.

Time to pay da bills. Black lady on Rent-A-Center ad: "We don't have great credit." Ma'am, that's obvious- you're BLACK. Teens, you need to have a serious talk with your friends, because their problems with marijuana are making them really fucking annoying.

A new SafeCo field attendance record! Let's all give it up for... the people who designed a better seating arrangement than usual because we can put chairs all over center field! YEAH, ROCK OUT! Triple H starts yapping and I'm really starting to regret this. Shawn attacks the crowd with his bazooka.

10am Sunday morning, we're At Home With The Angles. Dude, I'm no prize myself, but Angle's wife is an Olympic Gold Medalist in Fugly. I mean, DAMN. If Dirty Terri is say, half-monkey, Karen Angle is Queen Fucking Kong. Yeesh. I've seen better faces on a speed bump. Sometimes, Kurt feels like "rolling up and crying". Paper bag, my friend. Off to Brok, who Taker says has to get by "the jitters" of his first WM. I think that may have been racist. Here's an instant classic of a shot as Trippy walks by Michael Hayes to pat Brock on the arm and wish him luck. Who is standing nearby, you ask? Yes, it's HAIL TO THE CHIEF and no lie, Stevie's hair looks to be in total Princess Leia mode. Wha. I sure have forgotten a lot of things in the past year.

Let's go to the ring, where Kurt is told that he sucks. Angle talks about if he had a choice between facing Triple H or Brock, he knows that Triple H would never hurt him like Brock might. I think Kurt may have just sucked up to Hunter at the same time as calling him a pussy. OOOOOH. I'm that annoying kid on the playground always trying to get two people to start fighting. Brock vs. Kurt begins with Cole's pbp completely ruining it. Baby Brok says he was nervous because Kurt's neck was a toothpick that could snap at any time. Angle takes a 'pinebuster as we go to break.

Promotional consideration paid for by the following: Brut! The Rock... a WRESTLER... in a movie? What da hell? Has Hollywood lost its collective mind! This is not the age of Lanny Poffo's Rock N' Poetry! Hey, it's the Hoveround! Rascal, say hello to the new badass on the block.

Back to the match, as Brock hits a flying forearm completely out of character. There's the BANNED overhead belly 2 belly. F5, but Kurt's out. Another. Angle is dead, but Brock desires to go up for The Ultimate Stupid. That SSP is just freaky. Of course, Brok bruised his noodle, which was already pretty floppy to begin with. Long story short, the baby has mush for brains but still recovers to hit the last F5 as two corpses lay strewn about the ring. Hugz, but Brock is still retarded. Geez- the big goof is being fitted for a neck collar as all these doctors are trying to check on him and just bursts out with "GET THE FUCK OFF ME" like the biggest asshole ever. Apparently though, he's more than willing to hold Brisco's hand as they walk around in a gentle embrace. Flair comments by saying Brock was lucky he had done so many neck exercises, and comments that he "wouldn't have tried it at 24 or 54". Now watch Naitch bust out the 450 on Foley. Hypocritical jackass.

In the baffling sequel, Scooby Doo has a motherfucking afro. Are the Atheists right?

We're back with a pissed-off Kurt, who is ashamed or sad or something about this possibly being his last WM match. (SPOILER: it's not.) "I was just laying there naked, and I was just shaking so hard, and I couldn't stop." Karen says she "put three coats on him" and I picture Kurt as a broken down old tool shed in need of a new paint job. Now the bitch gets actual camera time. Here's the pimp king of neck surgeons, Dr. Hae-Dong Jho, droppin the knowledge about Kurt's mad phat neck injury. James Andrews reign at the top is over. Here's the cuttin. Sadly no oozy blood shots like Triple H had for his big surgery vignette. And that's pretty much it.

"To them, this is sacred ground. Inside this tiny square, dreams come alive- and they also end. But the experience of living the dream, even for just one day- that's what makes these people and this event... so special."