Pre-Heat: JG narrowly avoided alcohol poisoning to Name That Reference. Excellent. 

That geek on Confidential was fucking horrible. Such a plant.

So... I missed the first few minutes of the show. Eatin' cookies.

Sweetness and light, it's a pre-PPV HeAt! We jump right into the shilling (Curt) as tonight, we will see WAKE FOREST take on TCU in the Banana Jesus Bowl. That graphic makes me think Batista would be an awesome Rat King if they ever get around to making TMNT The Movie V: Leonardo's Revenge.

After that, ROB'S NOT HERE, MAN will lose the Icee title to RANDY OF MAYBERRY. The special referee of course is DAVE FOLEY.

As if you're not completely sold on the show already, don't forget Eric Bischoff's Battle Of The Sixes as TEAM X-PAC will face TEAM JENNA VON OY. It all started weeks ago when Lita gave Trish a Chris Jericho action figure. Trish scraped off the pants only to find that there was no action penis. Lita claimed it was still anatomically correct. HIYO. Trish didn't mind, and it was a slippery slope from there. Speaking of slopes, check out Trish's giant nose. Jericho can't stop thinking about her no matter what he does- but especially when he's making a peanut butter sandwich. A glance, a kiss, some romantic music... leads to a flashback of Matt Hardy refusing a doggy bag. Christian got the Liter her job back and... just read some old Rawbeaks. It's vastly better than this.

Holy god, A MANSTER is interviewing Da Jam Dogz. Terri's dressed like Christina Aguilera's mom in some awful remake of Freaky Friday. BITCH, YOU'RE 50. Trish says she's "hurt" and then "acts". Lita says that despite Christian's claims of rounding third base with her, "he never even picked up a bat", which gets no reaction from the crowd. She also said it in a way in which she thought it was the most clever thing ever. Bad. Coach yells for the girls to shut up! Yes.

Oh fuck me, Heidenreich vs. Rico tonight. Alright, who the shit is responsible for this completely unfunny joke? At this rate, it's like two weeks away from Version 1 getting crippled at the hands of the Aryan Asshole. Maybe Nowinski can come back and die to him too. Hey, he never beat up Victoria or Molly yet, right? RIGHT?!? Fuck the fuck out of you, Heat Bookerman. Shit.

Commercials. Seen 'em. There's nothing and nobody in the world that can stop Brock, until Yuna challenges him to a bra and panties match. Hey, have I just been in the dark forever? "Square Onyx"? I always though it was pronounced Eee-knicks. Onyx it is. Bod Man needs to bacdafucup. Socom tries to convince us that some video game playing geek would rather watch two bikini girls touchin' each other than play Socom. This will lead to 1. Socom not selling well and 2. increased nerd rapes.

Locke Of The Week is Manservant Heccubus counting the pin for Arby's Dee over Randy.

Here's a shot of morons proudly displaying their tickets for tonight's Def Leopard's Armageddon It. Finally, our hosts are WELCOME BACK ROCK, FINALLY TEAM COCKROACH CAN REFORM and LOST A BET. Snow has died the front center of his hair an looks like a retarded raver skunk going through a mid-life crisis. Guilty As Charged.

Recap of Low-Rez getting "the rub". Say what you want about Rock and his horrible new lip-related shirt and catchphrase, but that was totally the pop of fucking pops right there. If I can be a non-jackass for a minute, just the fact that a crowd can still get that excited about something on a show as bad as Raw got this past year proves there's still some fun in all of this somewhere- still some good stuff that makes all of this worth watching for a reason more than "force of habit". Force Of Hobbit. Lord Of The Return Of The King Of The Ring. Anyway, this paragraph will mean nothing after HHH wins the title again tonight.

So yeah... Lillian still loves the strudel, almost as much as she loves using her jaw to mine for diamonds on the weekend. Rock sells for Dupree, which is mind-bending until you remember that Rock will sell for (and job to) just about anybody. Peeps Elbows. When Foley did his, Rock had a weird look on his face like he was about to turn heel on Mick, which would have been about 15 levels of awesome.

I wish I could take TNM's stance of waiting to like the Rock until he's a heel again, but I really picked my side last year when HBK did that NWO promo featuring the "Rock is jealous of Hunter" line out of nowhere. Call me a dumb smark, but that was the moment it all got "real" to me and you could kinda see where the lines were drawn (Hint: in the sand.)

Enough serious(ly boring LOL!@!!!!!7) talk from me, back to wacky nicknames and swearing!~!

Coach and Al hype the IC title match for a THIRD fucking time, and I haven't heard one word yet about the main event. Huh.

Still to come: Jon Heidenreich's fashion emergency.

Bod Man's Man Of The Week is The Manly Tuh getting his/her head rammed into the steel cage door by Vee One And Only. FROM THREE WEEKS AGO. Jesus. Hey, up next is the Trojan-Enz Boner Of The Week featuring Ultimate Warrior getting locked inside a coffin.

Back to the locker room, where MATTFAX: Matt Smells Better Than Lita's Bagdog is joined by THE FASHIONABLE FRENCH (in new, blue panties), MAVEN BEACON TEACHES TYPING, MY TWO LOVES ARE FOOD AND BEULAH, and HE'S NOT A MAN, HE'S A CHICKEN BOO. Mavis starts talking junk to Matt and tries to get the next place in line to get him some Lita. Eww. Dreamer surprisingly wasn't eating anything. Stevie was without his Flower. The holidays are gonna be extra rough this year.

Here's some unexpected hype for WORLD'S NICEST MAN MARK HENRY vs. DAVE THOMAS' GRAVEROBBER. The vicious bearhug. Earlier today, Booker showed up in a hilarious hat. Harlem Hat.

PS2 comp ad. I might have to rent XIII just to see the comic-style wording say "FLUMP" when a grenade is launched. Or I could just remember that I watched this commercial two seconds ago. Yes. Groin hit by football- that makes me want a sandwich REAL BAD.

To begin the Shawn/Batista endless hype we go back to Survivor Series and the Raw the next night and THERE'S OFFICER SLATER VAIN AGAIN!!! OINK OINK, MOMMA! Fuck everything else. Happiness.

When we come back from the video package, there's... something... going on in the ring behind Coach and Al. Like 5 guys in t-shirts and jeans with one really skinny bastard in his undies. Were those midgets? Wow. Coach says this is a night for Batista to "REALLY REALLY, REALLY" make a name for himself. What great foreshadowing. In case you haven't heard by now, Batista was in like 8 segments on the ppv and won a title in a match he wasn't even scheduled in.

Commercials. Is Peter Pan even IN "Peter Pan"?

Here's the main event hype I so desperately longed for. Enjoy the product placement for Raw magazine. Big rundown of the card again, so I'll grab the matches I missed earlier.

Hot threeway action awaits you tonight for the Peter Gabriel World Title with BURN YOU UP, BURN YOU DOWN and SLEDGEHAMMER challenging SHOCK THE MONKEY. "The Spear vs. The Monster vs. The Game." Thanks Al, I guess Goldberg's nickname is "The Spear" now. That's even worse than when Credible/X-Pac/Albert got named after X-Pac's finisher. I GOT EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED AND I'LL NEVER GIVE THAT BACK

Tag Team Turmoil looks horrific with VINCE MCMAHON'S SPIRITUAL ADVISOR and ACTIVATE THE BUBBLE RAY defending the belts against:

-GARRISON ORNDORFF & WISH I COULD HAVE SEAN'S SPIDERBABIES

-PORN STORM

-ROB-CON '98- MEET STAN LEE IN PERSON FROM 4 TO 7 & WHAT AN UNFLATTERING PICTURE OF RENE AS LILLIAN THE PICKAXE

-Until next time, Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got! I'm still, I'm still Shaney from the block! & OH MY GOD HURRICANE WE ARE SO BREAKING UP AFTER YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THAT EVEN IF I AM JUST A SHIT, YOU GOD DAMN NERD

-and finally IT'S GOOD TO RAPE BARNEY FIFE TOGETHER & MUSCULAR HOT DOG.

If you picked ANY of those teams to win, you were wrong! Boy, there was no way this match can live up to GAY DEMOLITON WITH MR. FUJI AS A BLACK FEMALE DOMINATRIX vs. ASSWORMS on SmackDown next week.

Predictably added to the card is THOSE WHO CAN'T TEACH, WRESTLE vs. EVEN JOBBING TO GOWAN WAS BETTER THAN THIS.

Apparently Ivory's big LOSS last week to Victoria earned her a title shot against Molly tonight. This infuriates me to the point of not even assigning nicknames to them.

Up next: It.

How do you stop a 6'5, 275 pound animal? You tickle the fuck out of him. Also, with a heart roughly the size of Europe.

Commercials. No.

Geez, QUEER EYE FOR GEMINI has already powerballed his way to the ring. What's it say for a guy when you're in the ONLY match on the show and they still don't even show your entrance. Rest in fashionable peace.

Coach and al throw it down to the "B Team" of GREASY and PIGGY. Lawler assumes "B Team" must stand for "Best Team" in one of those lame moments normally reserved for Stevie Ray arguing with Horace Hogan. JR actually says in regard to Snow's hair that he must have "lost a bet", killing my simple (yet obvious) nickname for Snow earlier. Sometimes I wanna cry.

A BEAGLE'S NUTSAC is out to kill Rico, once and for all. In a SHOCKING occurance, JR brings up Heidenreich's football past. Rico opens with a homosexual go-behind. There's the Scooby Doo jump into arms/kiss combo. Ruico is on fire. You could even say he's flaming. GET IT??????? Ross calls him a "walking armageddon". Heidenreich with a comical inverted atomic drop. Clotheslined to the (gaye) floor. Gaydar "distracts" Lil' Jon. Rico uses this opportunity to hit a Rude Awakening... for 3? Wow. That was like 50 seconds long. I guess if peeps like Molly, Vic, and Rico aren't gonna get entrances, them actually winning the matches makes up for it.

Final hype for the main, and backstage we go with RIC, RANDY, DAVE, and... BILLY GUNN. HHH's hair looks HHHorrible. Flair does the "we're not worthy" thing 2 feet in front of Hunter, who just botched his promo. And now... 20 seconds of stalling until the camera finally cuts out.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Pretty pointless. Also, after Armageddon, every champ on both shows is a heel. Huh.