PRE-SMACKDOWN(!): THE GAZELLE! Mr "I'm not Curt Hennig but I want to get YOU in shape regardless" is ranting and raving. This is what I get for UPN 50 deciding to air the Tigers losing, as I have to rely on the local UPN affiliate, which may possibly be the TV station with the lowest budget in America.

Last Week/Whenever: Brock Hardmeat SWERVED US ALL etc.

Hey, since when are the people no longer beautiful?

Hosts: Communion wafers. (ZING!)

Opening Promo: Kurt "No Nickname Until Later" Angle enters as UPN 58 exits. It seems they've decided tonight's broadcast should be more along the lines of "Badly Streaming Quicktime." Here's the gist of the 3 sentences I was able to make out: Kurt wants revenge on Brock, not here for a match, he's here for a fight, and he wants to fight Brock and Vince HERE, TONIGHT. BUTWAIT! It's Don't Kris Kross the Boss. He says "no" to Angle's challenge, and then threatens a suspension. And thus, Vince challenges Kurt to face The Large Shoes, Right Here, Tonight! Kurt claims to not be in the mood for a match, and instead decides to just charge and start a brawl with The Big Show, who appeared on the ramp during UPN 58's downtime. LIKE MAGIC. So, anyway, Kurt gets the beatdown, complete with low blow, as a gaggle of refs drag him away.

Commercials: Wow, the feed really cut out this time.

Myster Mysterio (w/Chad, Grandpa, and KIDMAN NEEDS GOLD BOND WOMEN) vs. The Unpushables

They circle each other, the feed dies, and we're suddenly in a commercial for the University of Phoenix. And then, somehow back to Rey rolling Matt into the ring, followed by a senton over the top rope. Feed dies, Kidman is being ejected somehow due to Shannon Moore's HEEL tactics, the feed dies, and I get another commercial, and then absolute blackness. You know, I was actually looking forward to recapping this, too. Sigh. BUTWAIT! We're back with Rey charging, but he hits nothing but post. Matt takes control, drops elbows, and covers for 2 as Cole calls Tazz "the best color man in the business." We get a spin kick, and UPN's brief flirtation with stable coverage of Smackdown ends. Matt tries for a shoulderbreaker or a snake eyes or something, but Rey gets in a Tornado DDT to counter, as we go to Sleepyspot. They wake up to a clubbering, Frankensteiner from Rey. Springboard senton! Cover, 2. Video fails, Matt has Rey up top for a super back drop, but Rey punches him until he falls, then hits... something (all I was able to see was the post-thud pose from Rey). I suspect I may have possibly seen the 619 or the West Coast Pop, as when the video returned, Rey was standing victorious, and Zack "Ahab" Gowan sneers on the ramp at Matt. Hokay. Well, at least I was able to see who won.

Commercials: Your guess is as good as mine. Hey, way to not score a single run despite having the bases loaded and no outs, Chicago. It seems the only thing coming in without problems on UPN tonight are the commercials for the University of Phoenix. I smell conspiracy. Oh sweet, the AMNESIA episode of Star Trek is on.

Oh, hey, a promo: Vince verbally abuses BRIDE (soon, at least) OF PUPPETMASTER. Go away, commercial for the Cleveland Institute of Electronics, this segment was actually coming in before you showed up. THE UNIVERSITIES ARE TAKING OVER.

Lugz Chicka Chicka Boot Boot of the etc.: Billy Gunn gets beat up, it looks like.

Commercials. I may have spotted an ad for Midnight Club 2 in there, amongst the blackness.

Match? I catch a brief glimpse of the Bashams double flapjacking Billy Gunn. Tag to Doug. Tag to video loss. Noble wants a tag, after what I presume is a sleepyspot. Noble gets the tag, and cleans house. Swinging DDT! And... we're dead again.

Backstage, Zack "Sofa only had one 'one leg' joke" Gowan does the "walking around backstage" spot, but runs into Big McLargeHuge, and I'll just assume Brock did/said something evil right after UPN decided to show a commercial wanting me to sue people regarding asbestos poisoning. What is this, 1966? Man.

Hey, a promo! "Spanky gets whacked!" And it's sort of coming in good. Whoops, spoke too soon.

HERE COMES THE PAINT! I want to see a wrestler with a Bob Ross gimmick. Thaat would get a happy little five snowflakes in my book (which is as yet untitled.) And video cuts out again, this time for almost five minutes.

Hey, UPN is ON THE AIR with relatively excellent quality. Shit, spoke too soon again. From what I can tell, Lesnar just slammed Zack into the post on the outside of the ring. Chairshots. F-Johnny5 into the post. Gowan is bloody, his mom/aunt is concerned, and Cole apologizes for losing his impartiality. At least he puts on at least a little bit of a front that he's a legitimate reporter. Which is more than I can say for Jim Ross. The EMTs try and cart Gowan off, but Brock ATTAX again.

Commercials. Short Term Memory Loss replay. Hah, I guess that was Gowan's mom. Man, of what I can hear, she sure does scream like a shrill harpy. I can't hear them, but I'm guessing Tazz and Cole are sharing a somber moment. Cole then bitches a lot about Brock. STOP FLIRTING WITH ALL THE NURSE JOYS ETC. Cole is really up in arms about this, and then calls for Angle to "break every bone in Lesnar's body." WHAT A SHOOT, FOLKS

Metallica's "St. Anger" (MORE LIKE ST. SUCK LOL) hypes Summerslam, but mostly the Most Extreme Elimination Chamber.

HEY! LISTEN!: It's Rappin' John Cena. Cena says Zack sucks because he's from Detroit, a fact I did not know. Then he burns Detroit on their losing power during the blackout. Just mock the Tigers like a normal human being, Cena. At least give me that.

Commercials.

Whack of the Night!: A-Train killed somebody. Probably.

Even Selphie Would Hate A-Train and U RAPPIN': AWFUL vs. WHITE CHICK MAGNET and Handshake Connoisseur

Under charges at Cena, but Cena pulls the top rope down and sends him very slowly flying outside the ring. Back in, Taker gets the Plato's Academy (Old School), but Train breaks up the pin at 2. Tags all around. Train beats the hell out of Jordan for a while, but Orlando manages to get a DDT. Tags again, Undertaker feels like beating up both Cena and Train by himself for a while. Taker locks in the BEST FLASH ANIMATION EVER on Cena, but the ref is too distracted with Jones/Train to notice. Derailment! Chokeslam on Train! Cena gets a big kick to Mean Mark for 2. Last Ride... no! Cena hits Taker with the chair, then covers for the win. I'm not angry with this. Awesome, Benoit + Tajiri vs. Eddie and Rhyno NEXT. You better not quit on me now, UPN 58.

Commercials.

Backstage, Some Old Lady kind of gyrates in A-Train's general direction. I didn't need to see any of this. Sable proceeded to slobber all over Train, and they exchanged room keys, and then I assume exchanged sexual diseases later that evening.

The Manbeast Hank McCoy and Eddie Moed My Lawn vs. Tajiri TriMOED My Bonsai and Crispin Wa

Hah, Rhyno's riding with Eddie to the ring. Chris Benoit stops to admire the car before the match. Eddie starts the match with a Dragon (who?) Screw on Benoit, then follows with chops, a body drop, and other assorted beatuppery. Tag to Rhyno, who gets a backbreaker on Benoit. Falling headbutt, followed by a cover, which Tajiri breaks up. Hey may hav kicked Rhyno on the way out, as Chris locks in the Crawlspace, but Eddie breaks it up. Tag to Eddie, who gets a chinlock. Tazz: "You think Tajiri speaks Canadian?" Eddie with rollin vertical suplexes, as Cole and Tazz teach us that "vato" means "Hey, Dude." TNM and I still hate that show, no matter what. They go up to Boardwalk... Benoit with a HUGE superplex! Tags, and Tajiri is a tiny Tokyo apartment afire! Tarantula! Beatuppery between Benoit and Eddie goes on in the ring in the meantime. Diving headbutt! Followed by the Crawlspace! However, Rhyno is somehow free, and manages to GOAR! Tajiri for the win. Benoit, enraged, puts Rhyno in the crossface as well, but Eddie hits him with the US Title belt, then just turns around and hits Rhyno! Haha.

Commercials. Non-Dark Hand Jackie Chan = AWFUL.

Somebody Forgot to Tell Them That -This- (pointless match upon match with the Big Show) IS My Life vs. Hamish McHamilton (w/ ham)

Oh, this is a streetfight, which basically means it's Hardcore rules. Angle enters first, and runs... somewhere to intercept Show, but they make their way to the ring anyway. Clubbering. A table has been placed in the ring. We lose audio, but it comes back about .2 seconds after a chop from Show, but just long enough for me to hear Cole say: "... frying pan-like hands..." Even more punching, so Show kicks Angle in the face. Kurt gets the chair, but show puts up his hamfist just in time for the Pigshowinator! Angle tries it again, however, and is successful the second time. He then gets tossed outside, and then into the guard rail. Show sets up the mythril steps, then gets a clothesline, but Angle climbs the stairs and tries a crossbody, but gets caught. Angle manages to push Show into the ringpost, then he gets the anklelock (no caps) but Show kicks out! Angle puts Show on the announce table, gets the chair, climbs the stairs... Arabian Facebuster! Holy nuts! The table even fails to break! They roll to the floor, and Angle covers... only for 2! No way. They roll to the ring, Angle Slam through the table! Angle wins, BUTWAIT! HERE COMES THE PLAIN! Brock and angle stairdown as we fade to black, this time for good.

Final Thoughts: I hate you, UPN. MEOWTH, DAT'S RIGHT.