Aired December 8, 2002
Rebeaker: Sofa
Heat begins anew, like the dawning of a new day, and just as boring.
Pre-Heat: Beats me.
No opening video package.
Tonight's hosts are White and Not Latino.
Bad Audio brings out Stacy Keeblar, and Coach marks out. Tool. Stacy's out to cut a stupid promo about Testicles. Out comes Ruler of Testonia. He enters the ring, and then Stacy gyrates in his general direction. Coach claims he could watch this for an hour. He really said that.
THANKFULLY, Justin WORST WRESTLER IN THE UNIVERSE LOLOLO runs out and immediately eats an elbow from Test. Whip, Test gets a good neckbreaker as our illustrious announcer IMMEDIATELY start to talk about other bullshit instead of the match. Punchy, Justin dives out of the ring. Stacy slaps him on the ass, and throws him in the ring again. Big punch. Justin goes into coward mode. Justin gets a shouldbreaking DDT sort of thing that looks cool, then starts to slam Test's arm into the turnbuckle. Armlock. This is the fabled PSYCHOLOGY that is all the rage amongst TEH SMARKS, and yet Credible is still hated. Weird. Test counters with a big sidewalk slam, but Justin rolls out of the way of an elbowdrop. Lita's job is to simply repeat everything Coach says. Like Chavo Guerrero, but far, far less endearing. Tilty slam by Test. Double sleeping spot. Both men back up, Justin goes arm punching. Test gets a clothesline. Pumphandle is dodged, Justin is hit hard, but gets his foot on the ropes at 2. TEH BIG BOOOT is dodged, Test charges again and misses again. Justin gets THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP with feet on the ropes for 2. TEH BOOT, and that's all she wrote.
Backstage, D-Lo talks to Christ Nowinski about why he wants to be partners. D says he doesn't like Chris. Chris gets reminiscent about D's past, (first Euro-Continental champion!), and claims Maven is stealing D-Lo's airtime, and thus convinces D-Lo to hate Maven. D-Lo goes INSTA-HEEL! OMG!@
Commercials: While having a king in America is unconstitutional, Burger King declares otherwise. A lot of video games, some crappy rap compilation CD, WHAT A BAD BLOCK OF COMMERCIALS OHBOY GUNDAMS
WEE Rewing: The Dudleyz Die on RAW.
RAW Flashback: Bookar T vs. Jericho. Wow, this is pretty good.
RAW Retro: Austin drives the Zamboni. I think that was in Detroit, too. Amazing that Zamboni didn't end up in the river. One of the cops or somebody is being blurred out. Weird.
Commercials: Video games, Star Trek, AND OTHER STUFF I SAW LAST WEEK
JVC something or other: Richards dies last week. Fuck you, Steiner.
SPEAKING OF THE JOBBER: Whaxxxo vs. Italian
Coach and Lita are already so bored by the prospect of having to call this match, they've started to talk incessantly about Steiner before the match has even started. Kicky choppy to start. Punching. Richards flips out and celebrates landing some punches as if he's just won the Super Bowl. Awesome. Stami rushes up and gives him a nice dropkick. Elbow. Cover, Richards up at 2. Jesus, I think Lita just mentioned that ONE TIME Coach tried to pick up chicks with Stamboli AGAIN. Stambi charges, but hits the post with his shoulder. Richards tosses him outside. Richards gets whipped into the guardrail, Jonny into the post. Back in the ring. Beetdown. Lita thinks Dollywood is in Knoxville. Pigeon Forge, ignoramoose. I went to that town, but never to Dollywood. So sad. Well, not really. Richards with the armlock. More armlocks. The crowd thinks Richards sucks. Pff. Stambi gets a sidewalk slam, and on the cover, claims this would be a "huge win" for Jon boy. Hahaha, Coach, you so crazy. 2 count. Richards goes back to work on the arm. Choppy. Shoulderblock, double sleeping spot. Jonny gets mad shoulderblocks, then a neckbreaker. Nice belly2belly from Jonny, as he covers for 2. Double arm DDT! Oh, the "StevieT." So gay. Haha, that's all for this one. Congratulations, Richards, you crazy bastard. Oh, here's Victoria. She bites his chin, and she beckons him to follow her backstage. Okay.
Backstage: RAVEN talks to... somebody... "Mike." Raven is here to talk about his Masterpiece. Raven says he's not acting insane for himself, but for everyone else. He's got BOX LUNCHES for he and Mike. Raven asks Mike if he's greedy, then offers Mike BIG BUXXX to eat a sandwich Raven put his foot on. TIGER ALI SINGH 2002!!!!!1 Raven cleaned his foot "the other day" Mike obliges for like 500 dollars or something. Raven: "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you greed!" Raven give him the money, a shoe to the head, AND breaks his fingers! Haha.
Commercialz: Video games, Star Trek, I'm trapped in an infinite loop, Zelda, drugs, more video games.
Tuff 3 Nuff hype. I think "Big" just said "Riceland." So sleeping with Icelandic whores isn't an act befitting a WWE Souperstar? Haha.
Commercials: I'm so sick of this. OMG LORD OF THE RINGS! Now back to more video games. P to the A to the S to the S. That I can tolerate.
Hype from RAW. ACRONYM vs. ACRONYM
Hype for tonight's main event. Coach: "D-Lo, what are ya doin'!?!?!"
Commercialllllllls: GO AWAY
Get this show done with already: Maven: Call of the King and Al Snizzow vs. Christ Nowinski and HEEL-O Brown.
D-Lo ATTAX Al from behind to start! Al gets his kooky headbutts, and celebrates. So D-Lo slaps him. Al with a SCOOP SLAM! IT'S OVER! ANOTHER! IT'S OVER! Al attacks D's shoulder. Tag to Maven. D gets a spinning HEEL kick. Tag to Nowinski. Maven rushes him out of the ring, and brings D-Lo back in. Uh, okay. Maven attack's D's shoulder. Tag to Snow. Huh, I guess Al Snow trained D-Lo. Wow. Informative commentary for once. D-Lo with the... what the hell was that? Side Effect? Sort of. Weird. It gets 2. Tag to Nowinski. FOR REAL, this time. Heel shenanigans. Tag to D-Lo. Heel doubleteam. D gets a SCOOP SLAM! IT'S OVER! D starts the O U BETTA RECONIZE legdrop, but we are all DENIED! Instead, he tags in Chris. Whip, Al counters with a clothesline. Al reaches for Maven, but D-Lo, apparently tagged in (kthx camera guys), rushes from behind and attacks the both of them. Snapmare. Chinlock. Al tries a sunset flip but gets punched in the head. O U BETTA- NO! Al counters with THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP! 2 count! SCOOP SLAM! IT'S OVER! D tries for the "Sudden Impact", but Al reverses into a Tornado DDT! Double tag. Maven shitbeats Nowinski. And then D-Lo. Scrum ensues. Whoa, this is good. NICE clotheslines from Nowinski. Million Dollar Dropkick from Maven! SKY-HI! Nowinski has the book! But Maven ducks! THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP! 1, 2... D-Lo punches Maven in the head! Al shoves D-Lo out of the ring, while Nowinski start to clubber Maven. Takedown, cover, Feet on the ropes! It's over! Wow, that was cool. PEACE
FINAL THOUGHT: Again, I'm really freaking hungry. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT