Aired August 25, 2002
Rebeaker: Sofa
Sadness. Depression. Madness. Like bad beat poetry, another Heat begins. And like a Jerkcity with no punchline, it doesn't seem to have an end. This is the stupidest thing I've ever written.
Pre-Heat: That guy playing the piano for Snoop Dogg is way too happy about his job. I'M INNOCENT I'M INNOCENT
No promo to open. Long Island. Pff. You'd expect Nassau Colliseum to be in Florida. You'd expect me to be an idiot. They sold this show out? Huh. D-Lo and Coach.(Couch) Coach: "We're not gonna waste any time!" So, they cut right to the hype-ups. I'm sorry, I don't know this month's Song of the Month. Matchlist. Stop whispering, lady.
Coach calls D-Lo "D." D claims Summaslam will be "off the hook." WHITEY-san and Nidia are at Some Bar in New York. Jamie sez Nidia gets her choice of plants to make out with. DURING Summerslam. You'll see it if you get Summerslam. I'm sold. BUYRATE!
L8R: Stevie vs. Spike.
Commercials: Van Wilder is for tools. Don't you buy your ecstacy from RVD. YOU'LL DIE LOL. WHERE'S THE LOVE?! I wear my K-Swiss- NEVER. Swimfan. No. Obligatory BK commercial. Gross looking sammiches there, folks. REAL PUNK ROCK tells us to go to Target. To buy a PS2.
This promo's theme: If you love America, you hate Lance Storm. NO COMPROMISE NO QUESTIONS. They hyped Undertaker/Test for maybe a second there, I wasn't looking. How old are those pictures of HBK?
Commercials. Avril Lavinge is a tool. If you're a tool, you'll watch the Video Music Awards. BECK IS SNUBBED. Swimfan. Quaker State has to tell you that their oil isn't used in F1 cars, but they like to talk about F1 as if they are. Adidas is no K-Swiss. Mario Sunshine is scary. Luigi is snubbed! Backstreet Boys are reduced to the Chili's spot. Auto Insurance. CATCH IT! Time Warner Cable hates WGN. (AND YOU!)
Sign: "Mistress Stephanie" Ugh. Go home, Wayne.
Hype for The Rock trying to earn his Boulder Badge. Represented by Brock excersizing. Careful, Rock, he might SIT IN SOME ICE! HE CRAZY! Now, we hype RVD vs. Christ Benoit. Quickly. For all of 10 seconds, then onto Rey vs. Kurt Angle. This gets the full promo treatement. Because the Intercontinental Title is worthless.
Angle interview. Finally. I hope Coach really does start a feud with Generic Announcer Guy as Angle suggests happen. Angle calls Rey "a freakin' 12-year-old." Freakin'.
HHH/HBK hype. TOO MANY H'S! Ooh, later, we get to see The Rock's training regiment, too!
Commercialz: Promo for a Hulk Hogan DVD. Some MTV gizmo changes the music at shitty clubs. SWIMFAN is worse than Burger King. So is Quaker State. So is Burger King. AHHHHH! Blonde Bitch has ADULT ACNE. HAHAH. Lucky for her she didn't have to do the Herpes commercial.
LUGZ LUVZ U. Or not.
OMG A LIMO. Bischoff is here. "Dirty" Terri bugs him. WATCH RAW says Bischoff. That's also what I told TNM to do from now on. HAW. Now we see The Rock train. Do those "Pylothermics," Rock, especially since you MADE THAT UP. The massive importance of box jumping is stressed. Summerslam is the battle of the differing workout routines! I'm sold. BUYRATE!
Commercialness: P.O.D. and a bunch of other shitty WWE bands hate you. SWIMFAN is new worst movie EVAR. ELVIS was the first white guy to steal the black man's music, so buy this greatest hits CD.
WWE Rewind is Fozzy getting NO LOVE from Flair. This segues to Bad Hat Terri interviewing Flair. Who stumbles through it. Space Mountain is mentioned. More Trippple H hype. HAHA, this clip must be from the one week when Rick Rude was in DX. Psuedo-Enya music emphasizes how much HHH and HBK loved each other back then. IT WAS YOU, HUNTAR! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!
Commerciality: Who the hell are "The Vines"? VAN WILDER IS WILDER! Than what? SOBE IS NOT FOR YOU, FAUX-JEREMY BORASH! Quaker State. No. Mario Sunshine. Eh. Tell me ALL ABOUT deodorant, Mefod Man and Redman. Local spot for some car dealer. NO SWIMFAN?!
We're back, and it's down to JR and "THE BLING LOL!" Stop calling this the "Greatest Summerslam Ever," lest the internet start referencing how much they hate Tony Schiavone. AD NAUSEUM
Big Stevie Kewl vs. Lil' Spike Dud-ley
TAKE ON SPIKE. Spike w/ a headscissors. Steve goes for the chair, as the "E-C-Dub" chant reaches the loudest it's been in about 2 years. Nothing doing, though, as Spike intercepts said sitting utensil. Continuous front suplexes are applied to Spike. Cool. Jawbreaker on Steve allows Spike to escape a sleeper or something. Stevie with a superplex, which Spike immediately turns into a rollup for 2! 10-punches on Steve is reversed into a powerbomb! Cool. It gets 2. Jesus, Acid Drop. It's over. I'm sorry, Steve, but this is how wrestling good matches with Tommy Dreamer gets rewarded. Spike runs back into the ring to FURTHER humiliate Stevie. Nice. Steve must have really pissed somebody off Backstage.
We be out to Summaslam, which I saw, and can safely say that you could have turned the show off after the first match (Angle vs. Rey) and not missed a single thing.
Final Thoughts: Thank you for letting me steal your source code, TNM.