October 2/4, 2001 : Someplace in Alabama
Rebeaker: Sofa
Intro, overly dramatic promo, the usual. It's all of Paul's faxes and the annoying girl in the red shirt behind him.
"The Beautiful Smackdown" plays, and we're on the air with a bunch of fireworks and a big stupid fist.
Your hosts are Jim "GIMME DA SAUCE" Ross and Paul "Cheesesteak" Heyman.
Tonight, some matches, and stuff.
Shane's music hits, and the whole alliance hits the ring. Raven is wearing his kilt. WHERE IS HURRICANE AND MOLLY?
Van Dam spends a lot of time chatting with Tommy Dreamer.
Shane yaks on about Steve Austin, calls out
Regal's fanfare hits, and he comes out dressed in his finest duds. Regal says Austin gets a rematch as stated in his WWF contract, but Austin is no longer in the WWF. OH, BURN.
Shane proposes that if a mystery Alliance member beats Kurt Angle in a non-title match, then Austin gets a rematch. Shane says that if Angle wins, then he gets a WCW title shot on Monday. I'm thrilled beyond words, trust me.
Regal says he'll ask Angle if that's okay with him, and is about to leave, BUT OHNO Angle's music hits, and he enters. Angle drones for a while about beating up Shane, insulting Austin, and then accepts Shane's semi-decent proposal, and alluva sudden his music hits, and your ONLY SIXTEEN MINUTE promo is over.
The Ed, Edd 'N Eddy with Ed's imaginary friend Jim is on. This is so much better than Smackdown(!)
"Smack of the Night", brought to you by Clearasil. Nik says it should be called "The Pop of the Night."
CHRISTIAN, CHRISTIAN makes his entrance. Then X-Factor comes to his somehow worse than before entrance music. They're facing the Acolytes and Edge (MARTY JANNETTY). No explanation where Faarooq was last week.
X-Pac and Faarooq to start. X-Pac goes kung-fu crazy. Tag to Brad Shaw. More beating of Sean, and more beating. OHNO CHEAP SHOT. Albert Boots Brad, and makes the BLIND TAG OMG OLD SKOOL HEEL. Brad gets whipped into the corner and is beat down. Albert beats on him for a while, until Shaw hits a sloppy suplex. Edge and Christian both want tags, but everybody is sleeping. Edge and X-Pac(?) get the tag, and Edge is a Rocker-Afire. Some stuff happens, Christian gets speared, some other finishers, and Edge's Lazy DDT finishes it over Albert. Paul makes me laugh by saying Christian was "Most dominant in that match," even though he was never tagged in.
Backstage, Shane asks the Alliance who wants to face Angle. Everyone says yeah, but Shane says now they're gonna vote, complete with a conveniently found ballot box. I SMELL A FIX OMG.
Trish says she won't sleep with anyone who's fat or doesn't use Stacker 2.
Oh, ZOOLANDAR commercial.
"Slam of the Week," brought to you by Subway. It's HURRICANE! Kidnapping Molly!
Earlier(!)Tonight, Hurricane and Molly arrived, and Coach teleported to ask Molly why she left Spike. "He doesn't have superpowers, he can't fly, and doesn't have his own cape!" YES! "Whazzup with that?" "Molly is now Mighty Molly, faithful sidekick of the Hurricane!" "WHOOSH" This will be the best part of the night, I'm willing to bet.
Big Shoe and Spike are dressed the same again. They're facing Hurricane and MIKE AWESOME WHO IS NOT ON METAL! And Molly accompanies them, and is cuter than ever. Good thing she didn't end up like Spike's LAST girlfriend.
Hurricane whomps on Spike for a while. And the crowd keeps going "OHHH". Awesome tags himself in and really starts throwing Spike around. Just like the good ole days... Ah... Hurricane tags himself in, then changes his mind or something. Mike continues to kick the crap out of Spike, and Molly approves. The Frog Splash misses, and Spike tags the Shoe in. Hurricane tries the Chokeslam, but just can't seem to get him off the ground. Molly tries a body block, but Shoe catches her and sets her on the apron. Some other bland stuff, Awesome gets Chokeslammed, and Hurricane is tossed to the outside, and Molly is concerned. Spike falls off of Show's shoulders for another victory over Mike Awesome, going against everything that EVER happened in ECW. Big Shoe takes the strap off of his Onesie to celebrate.
Backstage, Shane says he's going to count the votes. Booker T says "DO ME PROUD". Yeah, Shane, count the HELL out of those votes!
"Stacker 2 Burn of the Week" is Maven "NOTRAVEN" on the recieving end of the Katehajime.
Now, it's UP CLOSE with Maven. JR calls him a "Fine Young Man." Basically, it's a Maven promo, not in so many words.
Maven is backstage, pacing!
Backstage, now Angle talks to The Rock in The Rock's The Dressing Room about all the stipulations and shenanigans and goings on.
Shane announces Rob Van Dayom won the poll. Booker T is pissed, and has the funniest "SHOCK" look on his face.
"Cool Rock" commercial. Glass Tiger RULES.
"NHL Hitz" is no Blades of Steel, I'm willing to bet.
UPN 50 puts the fear of Odin into Michiganers by saying online purchases in Michigan may be taxed soon.
Jean-Luc Picard, Booker T, and The Rock amongst others promote THE NEW TNN. I miss POP.
JR and Paul hawk the UPN shows.
"NotWalk" hits, and RVD makes his way to the ring in a really weird yellow onesie. Angle hits the ring, and JR overpromotes this match beyond belief. Match starts, and it's a takedown fest. The Jerry Lynn Trademark Pinning Predicament Fest gets blown at two two counts. Suplex by Angle. Clothesline, and RVD gets thrown outside. And gets slammad against the desk. And then Angle mocks the thumbs. Whip reversal, and Angle hits the stairs. Angle gets front suplexed on the desk, which still stands. Legdrop off the apron. Paul: "The spirit of Extreme lives with Rob Van Dam." Angle is bloodymouthed. Really bad. Momentum shifts, but RVD shifts it back, and sidekicks. Rolling Senton misses, and Anklelock is reversed. Stalling, kicks, more stalling. Angle comes back, and chops away at RVD. Flippy shoulderblocks in the corner by RVD. And we're back to stalling. Sleeper on Angle, but he revs up, and suplexes RVD on his HEAD. And again. Holy shit. Straps are off. Olympic Slam reversed, and RVD goes up for the FIVESTAR FROGSPLASH, which misses. Olympic Slam, and Nick Patrick pulls out the ref. And Mike Chioda chases after Patrick. I'd run, too. RVD taps to the Anklelock, but no ref.
Lundgaard6: HE'S TAPPIN' LIKE A DRUNK MAN!
Shane then elevates himself to "I'm obviously booking this" status by hitting Angle with a chair and RVD rolls him up for the win. The Alliance is out to congratulate him, starting with Bekilted Raven. They lift RVD, and he poses. BUT WHERE IS BOOKER?!?!?
Lundgaard6: Shane reminds me of a squirrel when he jumps femininely through the air to deliver his chairshots.
Moments(!)Ago, we see the replay.
Tazzzzzzzzzzz comes out to BEEPBEEPBEEP. "WHAT ABOUT MAVEN?" brings out Maven.
Lockup. Lockup. Lockup. Toehold. Maven gets schooled. Taz chops Maven's first layer of skin from his chest, but, Maven comes back with a dropkick and a sleeper. Taz suplexes him, and Paul says it's over. Katehajime, and it's off to OVW for Maven.
BUTWAIT, Taz picks Maven up, and lifts his arm, then clotheslines him, and BAHAHAHHAHAS him out of the ring.
Coach talks to Angle. Nothing of note is said.
Commercial for some movie called "IRON MONKEY", and then Silent Hill 2. HAVE YOU SEEN MY DAUGHTER?
Backstage, Torrie, which I just misspelled as "Rottie", tries on bikinis for Tiejiri. HOTT.
Some pyro, and we have Kane. "Theme From Booker T" brings out Booker T. As I discuss how the WWF has misused Paul as a manager/mouthpiece, this match goes on to little attention. Oh, and Test interferes upon Kane, and Booker T gets the Axe Kick, and we're done, and e'rery body raise da roof. Wait, the Undertaker waddles out, and magically finds the ability to kick everyone's ass without selling a move. What a surprise.
AmazingSofa: I'm writing a Smackdown(!) report, and this is a boring as crap match.
DDP! "Have you done your yoga today?" He has an even bigger picture of himself behind him. He has one of his old WCW coats on, for some reason, too. DDP reminds me of a Pod Person now. Poses and smiles a plenty, and the last one lasts for an uncomfortably large amount of time. DDP rules.
Lilian interviews the Dudleyz and Nick Patrick. Buh Buh says some stuff, and proclaims the return of Steve Austin on RAW. D-Von gets too close to Lilian, and she gets scared. Patrick then talks smack about Mike Chioda.
Regal says he sanctions the title match between Austin and Angle, and forbids Alliance members from ringside. Meaning Paul will interfere.
Stacy is skulking her way to the ring with a robe on for the bikini contest. HOTT
Oh, Coach has been selected to officiate the Bikini Contest. I'm in awe. Rottie and Stacy get their entrances, very, very, very, slowly. Paul: "MY MOM'S HOT!" AND OH MY GOD, some guy in the crowd has a "V" taped to the front of his shirt! Jack Victory forever!
Lundgaard6: Why do they even bother to have both Stacy and Torrie? They look exactly the same.
Rottie is declared the winner, but Stacy ATTACKS, and even decks Coach, or so I hear. I was busy typing. Tiejiri runs out for the save, and further degrades his character.
LIVE, on THE NEW TNN, Austin! Angle! Monday! OMG!
"Ahmed Johnson Remix" brings out the Dudleyz and Nick Patrick. I HATE the new WCW ref shirts, by the way. Out comes Mike Chioda to no entrance, then the Crotch Tunnel brings out Jericho. And, IF YA SMELL, and just start the damn match already and leave me alone, WWF.
Too bad Bob Holly didn't have a match tonight, here in Alabama.
This is your standard 6 man tag, which will surely end with Jericho eating the pinfall. Tim White is your ref, who probably is not impartial, but what the hell.
Paul actually called Buh Buh Ray the "9th Mayor of Dudleyville!" WHERE IS SIGN GUY?
Non-Whazzup Drop gets 2. More standard 6 man tag shenanigans take place. Quick tags, etc.
JR: "Look at the rock EXPLODE on D-Von Dudley!"
Here's Hebner to chase Patrick back to the ring, after JR says the obligatory "SCALDED DOG!"
Rock tells Chioda to do the People's Elbow to Patrick. At least it wasn't The Worm.
IN CASE YOU FORGOT, ANGLE VS. AUSTIN ON RAW. A PAPER VIEW ATMOSPHERE! THE NEW TNN! OMG!Steven William Regal.
Lundgaard6: BUT KANE HAS CHARISMA
AmazingSofa: HE'S A HOSS!