Aired November 17, 2002
Rebeaker: Sofa
Instead of recapping a Pre-PPV Heat, whereupon nothing at all happens, I thought I'd just give you the Sofa-themed rundown of what happened at Survivor Series. DON'T YOU DARE ACCUSE ME OF SIMPLY NOT TAPING HEAT. QUOTE THE SOFA, NEVERMORE
Match of the First: Lil' Speak Ducky, Raver Porn, and I AM THE FAT LEADER OF THIS MIDGET TEAM vs. THINLY VEILED FOOTBALL REFERENCE OMG DON'T EVER WATCH THE NFL
A bland little match, but not bad. The highlights included Jeff Hardy getting KILLED when Jamal or Rosey or whoever splashed him from the turnbuckle through a table on the floor, and the time when D-Von Dudley gave up religion and decided to go to hell along with his brother Buh Buh and Dudley Death Drop Rico through a table. Poor, poor Rico. The faces were victorious.
INSERT CRUSIERWEIGHT MATCH HERE: Whitey Noble vs. Billy (the) Kidman
In a good match that saw both parties bust out some rarely seen PURO moves and stuff, I was stunned that Kidman actually got 3 wins in a row over Noble. Leaving me to think that Noble is going to be the victims of one of the greatest De-Pushes of the century, but we'll have to wait and see what happens later to Rob Van Dam.
Didn't they have a women's match or something? OMG CRAZY VICTORIA vs. Dodge Stratus
This was not nearly as bad as I thought, and was actually pretty entertaining, aside from one horribly blown spot towards the end. Vic got the win and the title via the fire extinguisher and a snap suplex. She's sort of attractive.
EAT ATTACK: WEEELLLL IT'S TEH BIG SHOE vs. Brock From Pewter City
This was a two minute snoozer up until the end, when, after a requisite ref bump, Brock somehow managed to hit the Mambo Number 5 on Pig Show. Of course, Heyman turned and pulled the ref out before three, which allowed Show enough time to recover to get a chokelsam and the win, and the title. Show getting the title makes no sense whatsoever, but what are we, as the meaningless fans, to do? Make a Hardy Boyz fansite, obviously. Wasn't that bad of a match, actually.
Man, there weren't a lot of matches on this card: Tag Team X-trav-a-gan-za: Little Dude and Scary Teeth vs. THEY RUINED THAT TROPHY vs. TWO OBVIOUSLY EVIL MEXICANS FROM TEXAS THEY'RE PROBABLY IN AL-QUEDA OR SOMETHING
Okay, that was terrible. Los Dos Guerreros picked up the win in a surprisngly clean finish, when Eddie placed Gaye Misterio in the "Lasso From El Paso," (TEXAS, MEXICO). The match was good all around, but absolutely amazing in the middle when all parties got involved in a big six-man scrum. Angleoit was eliminated first, after Chavo hit Benoit in the back with the title belt and gave the weapon to Angle, which caused the cohesion of the cop movie buddies to disintegrate as Benoit got all accusatory.
I loved this promo until Steiner came out: Christ Nowinski came out to tell us how stupid New Yorkers are. He mentions the Yankees buying World Series Rings. THEN, to add to the awesomeness, MATT HARDY comes out (he only drinks lowfat chocolate milk), and tells us that the New York fans aren't stupid, they're losers. Nowinski and he have a row about whether they're really stupid, or just losers, when finally, they agree with each other. New Yorkers are both Losers and Stupid, in a term that Matt Hardy coins: "LUPID." This is my new favorite word. Oh yeah, then Scott Steiner came out and beat the hell out of both of them. Lupid.
Some Gimmick Match: Rob Van Selectively Sloppy vs. Bizzooker T vs. WHHHEEZING vs. Kayne vs. Christ Jericho vs. The Kid Who Does teh Breaking of teh Harts
This wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, either. RVD went out first, after possibly hurting himself horribly after a frog splash, and definitely hurting HHH's larynx after a frog splash. Of course, since we all care about HHH much, much more, there's more information available at this time about his condition. Booker was eliminated next, which began to remind me of WCW World War 3 1997, in which the first 20 people eliminated are a literal "who's who" of wrestlers I like. Kane was eliminated after a Loinsault, Jericho after he realized he'd never get a world title again, and HBK won on a subparkick. After, HBK celebrated his victory as more confetti fell from the ceiling than is thrown by Wayne Coyne at a Flaming Lips concert. I really expected this to be much, much worse than it actually was. Good show, except for RVD soon to become the next D-Lo Brown after crushing HHH's poor widdle thwoat, and possibly drozzling himself in the process.
FINAL THOUGHT: Actually, a pretty good show. I was pleasantly surprised, considering this featured a Big Show title win. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT