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Star Trek: This early one I always see where the Romulans are all threatening, and then end up showing up in maybe 5 more episodes throughout the run of the series.

Flashback.... flashback... flashback...., The Rock is happy he won at Wrestlemania, BUTWAIT, The Goldberg Traindroid is backstage, and all JR can say is "Oh, look." Gold "Pressed Latinum" Berg comes out and SPEERS The Rock.

Hosts: Jim "Liar Bu" Ross and Jerry "Enemy of the Free Peoples" Lawler

Opening Match?: Dodge Dart vs. Jazz

Jazz opens with kicking. Headlock. Both of their outfits are way too shiny. I cry foul. Jazz with an elbow INNA FACE. Jazz goes for the STF, but Trish pushes her away. Trish acts like she actually has martial arts moves in her kicks on Jazz. Dead Guy Press off the apron onto Jazz. Jazz gets mean, and throws Dodge back in the ring. Cover, 2. Ab stretch on Trish. Trish should never grimace in pain, it's terrifying. Jazz gets an axehandle from the top. Jazz with a suplex, which JR claims is a "fisherman's" but I have some serious doubts. Jazz locks in the STF finally, and Trish looks absolutely creepy when she's selling pain. And she reaches the ropes. Trish with clubbery. Kick to the head. Jazz kicks out at 2. Punchery. PURO move gets 2 for Trish. DUDLEY DAWG! JR claims it was countered, but it wasn't. Trish covers, but the ref counts 3 without seeing Jazz's foot on the ropes.

Backstage: The Rock is here, tonight! He goes to visit Eric Bischoff. "What's important is last week, live... live... -live-." The Rock is mad about Bald Bull spearing him last week.

Commercials: Search For Spock? Fuck that noize.

Backstage: Rob Van Dam and Kane pretend they like each other even worse than usual. Rob actually makes more allusions to potsmoking than he has in the past 3 years.

Flashback: To Trish NOT winning the last match.

Backstage: Teddy Long and RED DOGG try to recruit Jazz. Successful? Maybe.

Backstage: The Rock is here, tonight! He walks past Trish to congratulate her. The Rock tries to apply the MACK ATTACK, which I just realize should be Rodney Mack's finisher, if he even has one. BUTWAIT, Jeff Hardy, Heterosexual Extraordinaire has arrived to stare effeminately menacingly at The Rock. The Rock claims to not want to sign any autographs. Jeff will wrestle Rock later. Hey, Jeff already got his teased chance at a "big name" star last year, and it failed due to excessive HHH. WHERE'S HURRICANE? I CALL FOUL. BOO.

Commercials: Awesome, Dynasty Warriors 4.

Slam of the week?: RVD and Kane win last week.

Man, JR was about to yell at the camera about Austin again, but Lawler interrupted. And that was the best part of last week. We see Steve Austin in a Sportscenter commercial. Sub-par compared to most Sportscenter commercials, to say the least.

I'll tell you if I ever start caring about this: Rob Van Dibble vs. Chief More-ly

Clubbering to start. Some assorted generic offense. Headlock from Rob. NICE German suplex from Rob gets 2. Morley acts all hurt and pulls an Inoki by scooting around on his ass for a while. Morley takes over with ROLLING vertical suplexes. Wow. Headlock. Bleh. More generic offense. Spin kick from Rob. Flippy Turnbuckle Thing That Never Works actually works. ROFL THUNDAR! Cover, BUTWAIT, Lunch Storm ran out and put Morely's foot on the rope. More HEEL trixery ensues, which culminates in Rob frog splashing Storm. This allows Morley to get a big DDT for the win. That wasn't half bad. HEEL BEETdown ensues.

Backstage: HBK gives needed emotional support to Booker T.

Some commercials.

The announcers yammer at us some more. SIGN: "TRIPLE H IS BORING" HAHAHAHA.

I Bet Hurricane Jobs: Big Poppa Pillz vs. He's Wearing A Mask, so it might as well be The Hurricane.

Nowinski disses America's war policy. Nowinski is anti-war, and thus a heel. Wow, the WWE is fucking awesome. He wasn't getting as many boos as I'm sure the WWE was expecting, as he actually made a really good argument, mentioning our 1st Amendment Rights being slowly taken away. By the way, Steiner "expresses himself" (says JR) by squashing Nowinski again.

Backstage: Goldberg is here, tonight!

Commercialsssssss: Buh.

And we're back: We get an "indside look at the mystique of Goldberg." Right. Hey, it's Schiavone. Wow, all this WCW footage... but the WWE has trained me to believe WCW was a joke? WHAT TO BELIEVE?

Backstage: Christian walks into The Rock's locker room. Christian wants The Rock to sign his Scorpion King DVD. The Rock says that Christian is "a lot more talented than a lot of these other guys on the roster."

Backstage: Jeff Hardy and Trish share a moment, and Jeff tries to shake off the cooties as he walks off.

Commercials. Bulletproof Monk does not star Tony Shalhoub and looks absolutely terrible. COINCIDENCE?

Something of the Week, The Rock got Speered. I think I know by now.

The Hurricane's Push is Done Forever: The Rock vs. I LIEKS TEH COCK

Jeff gets punched. Various roughshod Rock offense. I'm really too pissed off that The Hurricane is so easily pushed under the floormat in favor of Jeff to call this properly. The Rock points to his head after a Samoan Drop. Somehow legal nutshot and other various shit in there. Jeff mocks the PPL'Z ELBOW. I notice angrily that The Hurricane did not get this much offense from The Rock. Seanton bomb gets only 2. Haha, you glorified jobber. Rock Bottom, win. Post match, The Rock gets the microphone. Some assorted shit happens, Goldberg comes out, Christian gets Speared. The Rock and Goldberg face off, and The Rock leaves. JR, ever on his game tonight, calls Rock "Chickenshit."

Commercials. Haha, like any of those guys would ever be on Heat.

Sigh: Satard vs. 3D (DOSE DAM DUDLEYS)

The Ducky Boyz start out getting they ass beat by Kane. Kane covers D-Von for 2. Punchery. Buh Buh takes over with various scoop slams and punches. Tag to D-Von. Kane fights off the doubleteam. Kane covers, but Buh Buh interrrupts. Up, the Dudz get the Dudley Death Drop for the 3. The Dudz are about to get the tables, when BUTWAIT RVD runs out for the save. He's about to 5 Star Frog Splash D-Von, BUTWAIT, Lance Storm runs out again. Morley out, he gets the Money Shot on RVD. The heelz hold up the chair, Storm gets the Van Storminator. Dudley Death Drop on Kane.

Backstage: Some Guy... oh, it's Test... is pissed at Goldust. They make a pinky promise to help Test make amends to Stacy. I guess. I'm sure Goldust's crippling disability will fuck it up, though. Hilarity ensues.

Commercials never change. Love Dragonball Z? I like Fatty Buu. That's about the extent of my love for that show.

Backstage: Goldust says it was him who was looking at Playboy, not Test. Of course, he fucks up everything for Test. Hands up who didn't see that coming. You're fired.

We hear the glassbreak, and we see Austin's generic pickup truck pull into the arena. Out steps Eric Bischoff, dressed like Austin. Haha. Bisch gets the mic and says he misses Austin. He misses the look he saw when he told Austin he was fired. Eric calls out JR for talking smack about him. Oh, we get a flashback to last week when JR started yelling at us. Hey, JR says he quits! OH HAPPY DAY! HAHA. This is glorious.

Commercials. Watch CSI, or TNN will hunt you down.

Moments Ago, I was happy.

I don't think anyone I really like has won in at least a month. Goldust vs. Stevie Richards

Slapping to start. Generic offense. Oh great, Coachman is out. Bulldog from Gold. Richards goes whippy. Now whips from Golduck. Victoria looks really nice with that streak of red in her hair. Curtain Call... Richards reverses. Goldust with a pretty good powerslam, which Coach, ever up on his wrestling, calls the "Shock Treatment." Jesus Christ. That allows Gold to get the win, and to beat up Victoria and Richards. Right.

Backstage, Jericho and HHH have a stairdown. Wow, they're actually remembering that Jericho feuded with H for no less than 5 million years. Flair says that both HBK and Booker are going to be "buried." Well, probably just Booker. And maybe Jericho. But definitely Booker.

Commercials have no honor. Bulletproof Monk looks like a horrible parody of Kung Pow, if that's even possible. The Subway guy is sporting poetry like he's The Genius or something. I really hate DJ Rap. Aren't most video games 'imports', technically?

Most Bizarre Thing Ever: That Evil French referee and some new Evil French guy have some newscast-style forum in which they tell us that they are French, and that makes them evil. Wow, they should team with Nowinski and go on an ANTI-WAR RAMPAGE OF FEAR. The WWE sure is stupid right now.

I wonder if it's possible for both Jericho and Booker to lose? Probably: Y2EGO LOL and Way Too Much Ego LOOLLLO vs. CAN YOU GET REMINDED OF BEING HELD DOWN IN WCW IN 1998, SUCKAAAAA and G0db0i

Pre-match, Lawler's a racist. A scrum starts when the especially gayed-up Micheals charges the ring. The heels are beaten out of the ring. Booka gets the 10-punches on Trippa, gets a cover for 2. Tag to HBK. Slow paced assorted clubbery and wristlocks and sleepers and crap. Tag to Jericho, for more of the same. Tag to Trippa for probably even more. Shawn sets up the supakick, but Jericho comes in. Pedigree is teased, but HBK reverses. Ric Flair with heel trickery. BUTWAIT! A LIMO HAS ARRIVED! That's our cue for commercials.

Commercials. I wonder who'd win in a fight, Dr. Satan, Mr. Satan, or Dr. Tomo? Something tells me those rappers don't really know how to do those wrestling moves.

Folks, we welcome back to Nitro: HBK and HHH are trading whips and punches again. Jericho gets the tag, as Lawler "Can't believe the action in this match." We must have missed a hell of a match during the commercials. Jericho with an elbowdrop and mocks the HBK poses. Jericho's electrical tape or whatever on his wrist is coming off. HBK gets a crossbody, but Jericho tags Huntard. SLEEPER MYGOD THE SLEEPER. SHAWN SOMEHOW GETS HHH IN A SLEEPER OF HIS OWN MY GOD THE ACTION IN THIS MATCHUP, FOLKS. Oh, Jericho was tagged? Punches. Jericho with a HEEL kick, in one of the few MOVES I've seen so far. Lionsault, but Jericho gets knees. Double sleeping spot, followed by the "crawling to both corners" spot. Tags are made, Booker is a Jobber-to-the-stars afire. THE HIGH KNEE is telegraphed into a back body drop. Either that, or Booker got tired of selling it. Big DDT from Booker gets... 2? Hebner just stopped the count. Okay? HHH'S BACKSTAGE POLITICKING CONTINUES or something. Jericho runs in, presumably late to beetdown Booxer. Booka fights him off, gets a Pinebuster on Trippa. Booker clears the ring. SPINAROONIE! Jericho catches the legs for the Liontamer, but gets the supakick. Sign: "STING" Haha. Kick Pedigree is REVERSED... Booker with a floatover, which of course nets him his consolation win, as I doubt he'll even get to face HHH at Backlash, let alone win. This could all have been avoided HAD HE WON AT WRESTLEMANIA. Jesus. The crowd goes nuts, because it's a rare event indeed to see HHH lose.

Post-match, Flair and Trippa H beat down the faces. Oh, and here's Jericho for some token offense. They handcuff HBK to the ring. BUTWAIT! here's The Hurricane out to beat up Flair for about 2 seconds before being jobbed out of life. More evilness is about to ensue when BUTWAIT, it's "'Big Sexy' is a really gay nickname" Kevin Nash to SLOWLY SAUNTER OUT TO THE RING for a lazy beatdown. All the heels kind of walk up to Nash for their slow paced beatdown. HHH and Nash stare each other down until Huntar leaves the ring, setting up your Backlash main event.

Let's count those who WON'T be having high-profile matches at Backlash. Booker T, Hurricane. Jericho is also a definite possiblity. We'll pencil him in, as there is the distinct possiblity of an All-Clique main event.

Final Thoughts: At least JR is FINALLY gone. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT