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Star Trek: I don't think I'll ever see it again.

In a Spotlight in the Center of the Ring, stands Eric Bischoff. He says his match with Austin later in the night is a Lumberjack match, involving the whole roster. If a star doesn't want anything to do with it, they're fired.

YOU GET THE GOYAZ, THE TOYZ, THE MAVEN GENERATION

Hosts: "I say who's fat and who isn't" JR and Jerry "You's a bitch!" Lawler

Opening Match?: Rob Van Awful Onesie and Worst Tag Team Partner Ever vs. Lunch Storm and Cheef Morely

Morley has a microphone and wished Regal a "Speedy Recovery." Maybe he caught that Chinese/Canadian plague or something. Kane starts with Morely. Powerslam, tag to Rob, legdrop from the top gets 2. Various kickery. Turnbuckle thing that never works is reversed into a thing where they toss the guy onto the ropes. Tag to Storm. Various heel miscommunication allows Rob to get a monkeytoss. Lance with an Evenflow! Tag to Morely, with a gaye little "Chief" on his panties. Pinebuster from Morley! Abstretch. Rob reverses into a THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for 2. Enzugiri/Enziguri. Tag to Kane. Various big guy no-selling. The match degenerates into a scrum when Rob comes in with a double DDT. Five star frog splash? The win? Wait a minute! JR: "RVD AND KANE JUST KEEP ON' WINNING!" Uh, yeah. Have you been watching the same show I have, Jim? BUTWAIT! The Dudleyz come out presumably to ATTAX Morley and Lance, BUTWAIT! they ATTAX Rob and Kane instead! Kane goes through the table. WHY OH WHY laments JR.

Commercials: LET THE VIDEO PROFESSOR TEACH YOU WINDOWS Me!

We're Back Live: Short Term Memory Replay.

Backstage: Buh Buh and D-Von tell Morley they've joined the Heels in order to get their jobs back. They don't like it.

BUWAIT!: ALLUVASUDDEN, It's TIME2PLAYTEHGAYME! HUHUHU! Triple K is out with Ric Flair for a promo, presumably. Trippa says that Booker T has no right to face him at RassleMania. HHH derides Boooka for ATTAXING him last week. Trippa calls out Book, BUTWAIT! it's Goldust! Lawler says, "Maybe Booker got arrested." Jesus. Goldust, talking normally so far, says that HHH is confident, but deep down in his creepy speech impediment, he's worried. HHH and Flair laugh, because they're insensitive to the disabled, too. Goldust continues to stumble, until eventually Triple makes fun of him, which causes Goldust to ATTAX! But, HHH, being the overly powerful racist he is, soon overpowers Goldust and he and Flair ATTAX. BUTWAIT!, BOOKER T, in plain(awesome)clothes ATTAX! Big kicks! Goldust is back up, and the faces clean house! The heels run, whilst in the crowd, a whole row of people support Booker T.

Commercials: The Core sure does look fucking terrible.

Backstage: HHH is angry. HHH tells Flair to tell Bischoff that he wants Goldust to job to him later.

Holy crap, this may be good. Former 6th Grade Teacher vs. I Beat Ric Flair (w/fagg muzik)

Lockup. Rico with a side suplex. Punching. Maven with an elbow. Armdraggery. Backstage, The Rock arrives. Knee to Maven's gut. Rico with some kicks. A cover gets 2. Maven is caught in the ropes. RIco chops him, then kicks the rope. Haha. Rico goes puncy to Rico's back. Neck twisty stomp, then a cover for Rico gets 2. Rico ducks a punch and gets a neckbreaker! That gets 2. Elbowdrop from Rico. Up top, atomic elbow misses! Maven with some armbreakers! Clotheslines... back body drop! Maven up top.. bulldog! Cover gets 2. Maven with the backslide... 3 count! Wow, that was pretty good.

Backstage: "Dirty" Terri stands outside Steve Austin's door.

Commercials: After some commercial for the Hardy Boyz gets JOBBED OUT due to tech problems... Christ, what warranted another Vin Diesel movie? Whoa, Vice City is In Stores Now?

Backstage: Steve Austin is talking to Shawn Michaels. They talk about Lumberjacks.

Backstage: The Rock walks. Teddy Long walks up to him with the latest WWE magazine. The Hurricane is on the cover. Teddy reassures The Rock that Rodney Mack will beat him tonight. Teddy keeps mentioning how Hurricane beat The ROck. Rodney tells The Rock to "Be Cool." The Rock is not so sure. AND IT'S NEXT

Commercials: Who authorized a new Adam Sandler movie? What's wrong with Hollywood? Jesus. Do something, The Rock.

Wrestlemaniamoment: Andre actually picks up JOHN STUDD? OMG THE AMAZEMENT!

I Love The Hurricane: The REAL Next Big Thing vs. Bernie Mack

Hurricane ducks a charge. Headlock by the Hurricane. Hurricane cannot take Mack down, but gets a crossbody. Punchy. Mack with a clothesline. Mack goes up and gets a shoulderblock. Mack with elbowdrops. Mack charges, but tastes post, so Hurricane gets a neckbreaker. Shining Wizard! Lawler doesn't know what the Shining Wizard is. Hurricane up top... crossbody! It gets 2. Sign for the chokeslam... BUTWAIT! it's The Rock. The match is a Dairy Queen. The Rock beats the hell out of the Hurricane. The Rock gets a chair. Sign: "Bring Back 3 Count." As long as they don't have Karagias, PLZ. Actually, I'm rather happy with what they've done with Hurricane and Shannon. So, DON'T bring back 3 Count. As much as I liked them. (But not Evan Karagias). The Rock beats down. Okay, this is kind of shitty for The Hurricane's push.

Commercialsssssss: Buh.

I really, really, hate that awful giggle: Dodge Stratus and Jazz vs. Lincoln Crown Victoria and The Next Mideon was right, Stevie Richards really is becoming a woman.

Trish was on MadTV. I'm sorry, nothing will ever come close to the Bret Hart/Will Sasso feud. Ever. Earlier Today, Victoria and Stevie Richards were insane backstage. Jazz and Vic start. Jazz slaps the crap out of Vic. Powerslam from Victoria. Jazz lays down the offense. Dropkick to the back! Jazz goes punchy. Jazz tags Trish. Vic rakes her eyes. Then she chokes Trish. Clotheslines. Trish climbs on Vic's back, but Victoria just tosses her right onto her face. Haha. Heel miscommunication for Vic and Stevie. Trish gets the El Pantera Rana on Stevie, but Victoria just tosses her. Stop orgasmically screaming, Trish. Tag to Stevie! He misses the charge, in a possible "THE STUPID." Trish's tag to Jazz is DENIED! HAHA. Jazz just walks away. AWESOME. Richards kills Trish, then tags Vic. Widow's Peak! That's it. Post Match: Vic tells Stevie to not Stevie T her, but gets a chair. BUTWAIT! It's Jeff "Obviously Demoted" Hardy to ATTAX! He's painted as if he were a blind sufferer of Parkinson's Disease.

Commercials: Slammin' Santa wants you to watch James Bond.

Backstage: Some crap about Shawn Michaels' Wrestlemania legacy.

Backstage: Coach talks to Jericho about what they just saw. Jericho says "that's powerful stuff." Jericho's going to "end that legacy" at Wrestlemania. Up next, it's Jericho and Christian vs. Test and ???

Commercials are dead to me.

Backstage, Test and Stacy have an awkward moment. Then Test PEEPS at Torrie Wilson in Playboy.

Hey, Jericho's on Kilborn tomorrow.: Y2EGOLOLOL and Christ vs. TEST(ES)LOLOLO and ???????????

Haha, some guy in the front row has an old WCW shirt. Oh, Test's partner is Big Poppa Smurf. He takes his sweet ass time getting to the ring. Test goes face crazy on the heels. Both get tossed out of the ring. Test goes punchy on Christian, then tags Steiner. Powerslams. Elbowdrop... pushups. Tag to Test. HEEL kick from Christian. Tag to Jericho. Ass-splash. Tags to Christian and Steiner. Chris leaps, Steiner catches him and powerslams him. Jericho runs in, chops. Steiner gorilla presses Christian. Cover, Chris kicks out. Christian in a sleeper, he grabs the ref and puts him in the sleeper. Jericho gets a low blow on Steiner. Jericho gets the tag, then does pushups. Chops. Jericho goes for "THE STUPID!" He gets suplexed. Tag to Test. Clotheslines. Sidewalk slam on Christian. Tilty slam for Jericho. Heel trickery allows Jericho to get the Liontamer, but Steiner tosses him. Pump handle slam from Test on Jericho. Christian pulls him out before the 3 count. Lionsault is dodged, Steiner gets Jericho in another belly2belly. Powerbomb from Test, but Christian interrupts the count. Jericho goes after Stacy, but Steiner clobbers him. Test gets a full neslon slam as insanity ensues when Steiner saves Stacy from falling off the apron. Jericho gets THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for 3, while Test is angry about Stacy's cheatin' Hart.

Backstage: Booker and Goldust walk uncomfortably.

Commercials. Great, Clone High isn't on.

Sigh: Goldust vs. Racist

JR keeps stumbling all over his lines. Maybe they should give HIM the stuttering/Tourette's gimmick. Lockups and punching. Goldust has fists of fury. Triple H counters with PUNCHES OF HIS OWN OMGGGGGGGGGGGG. Back body drop (BDD) on HHH. Armbreaker on Goldust's gimpy arm. Sign: "IT'S A TRAP!" Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. More generic HHH ringwork. Pedigree is teased, but Goldust gets a THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for 2. Goldust blocks the high knee with a clothesline. Dust gets the haymaker, which floors HHH. Flair interferes, but Booker beats the hell out of him. Randy Orton jumps out of the crowd and ATTAX Booker! Haha. Security hauls him off. Goldust is on the offensive in the ring. Wow. 10-punches. Flair distracts Gold, which allows the High Knee, Pedigree, Job.

Commercials. I really hope Steve Corino comes out to destroy Fred Durst during Wrestlemania.

Backstage: Eric stretches, when The Rock comes in playing his guitar. Haha. Sweet. Eric can't touch The Rock's guitar. The Rock's gonna do a concert. But not in St. Louis. Haha. I don't know how Eric can keep a straight face. The Rock convinces Eric to nix the lumberjacks.

Backstage, Steve Austin walks.

SEEN IT: Bisch vs. Wifebeater

Morley escorts Eric. Eric runs out of the ring and Steve chases him down. Austin ATTAX Morley. JR: "Austin knows Morley isn't out here for moral support, because Morley doesn't have any morals." Man. That is BITING witticism, JR. In the ring, Austin stomps. Austin puts Eric in the Liontamer. Morley runs in for the low blow. The Beetdown ensues. Austin had enough of selling, so he tosses Eric into the buckle. STUNNAR on Eric. Morley gets tossed. BUTWAIT! The Rock comes in and hits the STUNNAR on Austin! Eric covers, Austin kicks out at 2! Austin dodges the PPL'Z ELBOW, throws out The Rock, STUNNARS Eric, cover, 3. Aw, fuck. Post Match: Brock Bottom! The Rock gets the beers. He gently sips them. Haha. Okay, The Hurricane should be coming out any minute... or not. Fuck that.

Final Thoughts: Okay, so they give The Hurricane the biggest win of his career, win him tons of new fans, and decide to job him out the very next week? Makes perfect sense to me. Goddamnit.

Also, a "shout out" (as the kids say) goes to my companion in suffering through a lifetime of being a Cubs fan, The Cubs Fan, for a shout out he gave to me sometime last year while I was in Japan that I didn't know about until recently. So, thank you, TheCubsFan. For your mad props, and your continued perseverence in our collective lost cause.

This recap may have sucked, but fear not gentle readers, as a brand new Shopzone Fiasco is on it's way, possibly by tomorrow. XTREME MARCH IS XTREME!