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Star Trek: Didn't see that shit. Was playing Dark Cloud 2. OMGGGGG

Backstage: Eric Bischoff talks to THREE MINUTE WARNING. They are armed to the sideburns. Eric sez they're Steve Austin's welcoming comittee.

YOU GET THE GOYAZ, THE TOYZ, THE MAVEN GENERATION

Hosts: "Was I ever that good?" JR and Jerry "CHING BLING" Lawler

Was that the Konami logo on a sign in the crowd? L8R2NITE: Booker vs. Steiner

Opening Promo: Booker T. Monkey has entered this arena. FIVE TIME(X5) is mentioned. Booker gon' ta Wrestlemania! Booker's gonna be world champion! Right on cue, it's TIME2PLAYTEHGAYME! Hey, there's Flair. HHH says that "Somebody like you" doesn't get to be world champion. H accuses Booker of being an entertainer more than a wrestler. H demands Booker dance and entertain him. Jesus. Son of a bitch. TRIPLE K says that Booker's role is to make people laugh. Triple says Book has "nappy hair." GIRL I KNOW U JUS DINNAT Triple H calls WCW "a joke." He surmises that since David Arquette and Vince Russo held the title, it's worthless. HHH, maybe you should look at the belt you have on your shoulder. Dicklick. More egotistical prattle. "People like you." is said again. Booker then follows WWE Mandate of Heaven (WCW never existed, and if it did, it was a joke) and admits that some of the stuff HHH said may be true. This terrible promo is over.

Backstage: RICO directs THREE MINUTE WARNING to hide in wait for Austin.

WrestleManiaMoment: DON'T DO IT JEFF! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!

Commercials: They're really loud. I wish I was playing Dark Cloud 2 right now. Or doing my homework.

Christian without Pyro is a fucking travesty.: Some sort of alien life form vs. CHRISTIAAAAAN

Flashback to last week's beetdown on bad actress Stacy. Jeff goes for the beetdown right away. Christian is toessed to the outside. Jeff does a flying "Crossbody" thanks, JR, as it's actually more of a shoulderblock. Punchy. Back in the ring, Jeff is crotched. Suplex on the ropes on Jeff. Armkickery. Abstretch applied to the painted creature. Jeff messes up a jawbreaker. Jeff with clotheslines. Cover gets 2. Christian with a cover THE TIGHTS THE TIGHTS! 2 count. Jeff gets the Somehow Legal Nutshot. Jeff up top, Christian dodges, Jeff back up again, Whyspyr Yn Thy Wynd. That gets 2. UNPRETTIER! Christian wins! Heck yes. Give him back his pyro, thieves.

Backstage: Eric recruits Lanth Storm to help Chief Morley be Eric's "Second Line of Defense." READ: JOBBERS. Regal is "sick." READ: MISSED HOUSE SHOWS AND IS BEING PUNISHED, unlike Jeff, who can miss all he wants and still be on TV. At least he keeps jobbing, though.

Commercials: Bluh.

BOOT O' TH' WEEK: Morley gets skunked by the Dudleys last week.

I sure do hate Lawler: Big Chief Morley vs. Little Spike Jobber

Morley gestures at Lawler, who threatens violence if Morley goes over there. Morley says that if Spike defeats him tonight, the other Dudleys are un-suspended. Spike runs out and gets beet right away. Morley tosses him around, but Spike bites Morley's head. Morley with the cocky TAKA cover for 2. Spike rolls Morley up in surprise for 2. Choppy in the corner. Rolling vertical suplexes from Morley. Cool. Morley up top... Money Shot! They're still calling it that? That's it for Spike. The Dudz are still suspended.

Backstage, Christian brags about his victory to Jericho. Jericho calls Christian a "Sexy beast." BUTWAIT, Eric comes in to recruit them into jobbing to Austin. Great.

Commercials: I wish that talking Greyhound would just GO AWAY.

I hate that giggle: Dodge Stratus and Uncle Jackie vs. Jazzzzzzzz and TaTu Makes Me Think of Herve Villechez

Various clusterfuckery to start. Jazz tosses Jackie around and basically owns her. Powerslam! Tag to Vic, who accidentally kicks Jazz. Victoria has "Victoria" written on her ass. Torture Rack from Victoria. Suplex. Trish gets the HOTT tag. Richards scolds Jazz, which makes them both targets for Jackie. Trish tries the El Panteracanrana, but Vic pushes her down. Trish somehow gets a pinfall. The faces skulk off, leaving the heels to sulk.

Backstage: The Rock has a dressing room.

Commercials. Some Wrestlemania propoganda. "We don't cheer the weak." "We cheer the Dreamers." TOMMY? Time Warner Roadrunner is stupid.

Backstage: Lanth and Morley lie in wait.

Backstage: Coach gets a word with The Rock. Rock: "Are you... Are you on crack?!" The Rock doesn't have time for Coach. He accuses The Coach of stealing The Rock's haircut. The Rock, looking for his guitar, pulls back a curtain to reveal BUTWAIT! The Hurricane!. The Rock quickly replaces the curtain for a minute. The Hurricane hops out and questions The Rock's evil motives. Rock: "How long have you been sitting in there?" Apparently Hurricane was PEEPING. BEST FEUD EVER. Rock: "Hey, stop cheering!" The Rock apparently tripped over the top rope last week. The Rock and Hurricane should get their own damn show. Seriously. Rock: "Don't laugh at The Rock's jokes!" Rock: "You are CLEARLY insane." Hurricane says that The Rock is afraid. As Hurricane flies away, The Rock reminds his crotch that it's "still the man."

Commercialllllls: Where's Khan this week?

I Pray Jericho Does Not Job: Y2EGOLOL vs. BALLS Mahoney

Pre-Match: JR mentions Jericho's title win. Lawler says he's heard that way too much. Way to be a selectively Heel announcer, Lawler. Jericho apologizes to Stacy for being a dumb broad with a boyfriend like Test. Jericho tells the Video Monkeys to play the GEE GEE DUBBLYA video footage. Test was a dirty cheat. Jericho laughs at Test's misfortune. Test runs out to beet Jericho down. Stacy starts to walk down the ramp, with Christian in tepid pursuit. Oh yeah, the match. Jericho gets powerslammed. This is a beat-up-fest on Jericho. But, while the ref is attending to Jericho, Christian runs in with The Unprettier! Yes. Jericho ATTAX Stacy. He gets slapped. Full Nelson slam from Test. Christain gets TEH BOOT! Jericho with the low blow, neckbreaker, which JR calls "The Breakdown." I don't even remember what the Breakdown was, but that wasn't it. Jericho gets the win. The bads were about to go for the conchairto on Stacy, but Test ATTAXED. He gets the Conchairto instead. Stop screeching, Stacy. They're about to take out Stacy when BUTWAIT!, Teh Kid Who Does Teh Breaking Of Teh Harts runs out to get killed by Christ Jericho. Haha. WHERE'S YOUR MESSIAH NOW! That was uncalled for, but still funny. Jericho is gon' end Michaels' career at Wrestlemania.

Commercialsssssss: Christ Rock has a new movie? Ohboy.

We're back with a flashback to what just happened. HBK's gonna need stitches? Ha.

The parking lot: Rico reassures TMW that Austin will be here. A limo arrives with Goldust, as the camera goes nuts and TMW rushes to the attack, but realizes it's not Austin. Oh, and yes, Goldust was acting like a retard. Or an electortard. Whatever.

OMG! Here's Really Big Hobbit for an Anti-Austin promo. Too bad the Dudleyz BUTWAIT ATTAX Nowinski in the very beginning of his speech. Well, that was great.

Commercials: You know Link has a sister now? Seriously, what the fuck?

Backstage: Jericho and Christian do various HEEL posturing. They are planning to welcome Austin to RAW. (WITH BASEBAL BATS LOLOLO)

I actually liked this match when I saw it at Superbrawl: Booker T. Jobber vs. Big Soda Popinski

JR LIES and says that during the last meeting of these two (on the last ever Nitro), Booker won the WCW for the 5th time. ALL LIES, as it was the FOURTH TIME. He won it the fifth time from Kurt Angle during the InVasion angle. Chops to start. Choppery. Steiner with a messed up spin kick block. Punchy Choppy from Steiner. Kick from Booker 2 gets a 2 count. More choppery and kickery. Booker with THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for... three? Uh, okay.

Backstage: The Rock demands backstage guy find Bischoff. He also asks the guy if he thinks The Rock is tough.

Commercials: Clone High is better than this Rat Movie preview.

The announcers stare at us.

Backstage: The Rock confides in his guitar. "The Rock is bigger than Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks, but yet he's gotta deal with these Long Island skanks. He'll whip Austin's ass, you know, and that's the bottom line, because The Rock said so." Eric comes in and asks Rock what he wanted. The Rock doesn't want Eric to make him look bad. Oh right, like he and Austin will actually wrestle each other tonight.

Backstage: RVD and Kane act like doofuses.

Commercials are ignored.

Hey, I'll be at RAW next week.

Sigh: RVD's current partner is worse than Scotty Anton vs. OMG AL SNOW and Tommy X. Dreamer

This is Hardcore. That shopping cart spot didn't work out too well, Al. RVD and Kane go crazy. Moonsault off the apron onto Tommy and Al. Twisty legdrop. CANE TO ROB'S GUT! Flying clothesline. Pff. Chokeslam is teased, but Al hits Kane with Trash can lids. He just keeps hitting Kane. Haha. Drop toe hold into the trash can itself. RAVEN WILL SUE. Cookie sheet and lid shots on Kane. Double chokeslam on Tom and Al. Kane stacks up the bodies... Five Star Frog Splash onto the prone heroes. Cover, that was awful. Sigh. Poor former ECW wrestlers.

In the Parking Lot: All of the heels waiting for Godot/Austin have to dodge when Austin's truck almost hits them. ROAD HOG. AUSTIN'S ON HIS WAY OUT HERE!

Commercials. BORING.

Opening Promo: Here's Goddamn The Woman Inside You for the promo, I guess. Oh, the fans have been waiting all night to chant "WHAT?!" HAHA, he just said "WWF." BUTWAIT BEST (non-full-pyro Christian) ENTRANCE EVER brings out The Rock. The Rock has come to verbally harrangue Austin. The Rock rightfully mentions how he's never beaten Austin at Wrestlemania. The Rock calls the crowd sheep for chanting along with him. Before Austin can accept The Rock's challenge at Wrestlemania, BUTWAIT, Eric Bischoff comes out. He challenges The Rock to face Booker T next week. If The Rock wins, he can face Austin or HHH at Wrestlemania. Eric: "I'm sorry, this show is running a litle bit too long. In fact... THREE MINUTES too long...!" Jamal actually gets his beatdown sold, after Rosey was STUNNARED. STUNNAR on poor Jamal. Then Rico gets it. Sigh. The Rock runs down to face down Austin. The Rock ties a cheap shot, but gets he ass beat for it. The Rock runs away. JR: "OH WHAT A NIGHT THIS HAS BEEN!"

Final Thoughts: I wish The Rock and Hurricane had wrestled each other, so I could have used my joke:

HERE I AM: ROCK YOU vs. LIKE A HURRICANE.

MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT