RAW Rebeak

Aired Feb 17, 2003
Rebeaker: Sofaaa

back to beaking news

Star Trek: Didn't see that shit

JR says something about this being "ARMY NIGHT" or something.


Hosts: J "1-800-HOSS-ATT" R and Jerry "1-800-OLD-PERV" Lawler

Opening Promo I've seen this match a billion times and Rob hasn't turned heel yet: Rob Van Dayom w/ Kane van Satarded vs. Lanth Thtorm w/ "Exploding" Steven Regal

Frisking to start. Lockup. Rob goes all flippy and shit. Stepover spinkick. Pose. Some kind soul has a sign in tribute to Mr. Perfect. Flippy crossbody by Van Dam gets two. Rob tries to suplex Storm to the outside, but Storm gets a bulldog off the arpon into the rail. OW. Storm goes kicky and punchy. Dropkick from Van Dam gets 2. Storm gets all submissiony. Rob Telegraphs but gets a kick to the face. HEEL kick from Rob. Punchy. Legsweep! Shoulderblocks, flippy turnbuckle thing is dodged, but Rob hits the second rope... kick to the chin! Standing moonsault! Cover... 2! Storm counters a vertical suplex into... Water on the Knee! Rob reaches some roepeage. ROFLING THUNDAR! Cover... Storm has his foot on the rope! Rob tries the Splash, but Regal distracts him long enough for Storm to climb up to meet Rob... Rob knocks Storm down... FIVE. STAR. FROG. SPLASH. That's all she wrote, and all I'll write. Various post-match posturing.

Backstage Jeff and HBK flirt. HBK tells Jeff some story about losing his luggage, when Eric walks by, and HBK starts talking about something else. Eric says something about Austin coming, so LOOK OUT HOMOS or something.

Commercials: Uh, Stephanie is in the new 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial with Carrot Top. Yeah. Some commercial starring Ozzy is BUTWAIT interrupted by a THE TRUTH (NOT RON KILLINGS) one.

Opening Promo: Ah, I was getting scared. Here's Grand Manager Zek (w/o that creepy staff) to assuage my fears there'd be no Opening Promo. Eric says that he's bringing out someone they all wanted to see. It's Chief Miles O'Morley. SWERVE! Bisch says he's sick of people hoping he gets beat up by Steve Austin. Eric is complaining about HBK and Jeff Hardy now. He challenges them to matchitude. It's Team Newfound Love vs. CHRISTIAN and Christ Jericho. Also, the Dudley Boyz are suspended. Eric then addresses his upcoming match with Steve Austin. Eric's 8th Degree Black Belt is mentioned! Eric challenges himself to a match. Against JR. I hope JR gets his ass BEET.

Commershalz. Everquest Online? Girls don't play video games. Duh. Ask The Hurricane.

Backstage, Stevie Richards tries to get Victoria to make up with Jazz. They don't even come close.

JR: "A very intriguing tag team matchup" Jaxxxie and Molly Heely vs. Lincoln Crown Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards w/ Creepy eyball panties) and Utah Jazz.

Jazz pushes Victoria out of the way to start the match. She goes punching on Molly. Suplex w/ rollover pin goes until Jackie interrupts. Jazz with a BIG legdrop. Twisty sidewalk slam gets 2 for Victoria who was tagged in somewhere. Big powerslam. Jazz tags herself in and covers for 2. Falcon Arrow! Big splash misses. Tag to Jackie. Jackie goes Kung Fu Crazy. Victoria comes inand gets she ass beat as well. Jackie turns around right into an Evenflow from Jazz, which JR and Lawler both call "A WICKED DDT" That's your 3 count. Jazz gets a chickenwing on Molly, and destroys her. Then on Jackie. Awesome. The crowd is absolutely dead. JR: "THIS CROWD IS -STUNNED-" Haha, nice save. Jazz and Vic stare each other down. Jazz shoves Vic. Vic slaps Jazz. Jazz smiles and walks off. Haha, sweet. UPNEXT, update on the status of Electrically-themed Supervillain/hero-in-training Goldust.

Commercialllllls: OMGGG! Dark Cloud 2 looks awesome. I want that game like nobody's business.

Flashback: The Goldust thing.

Backstage: Booker says that Goldust is having neurological problems. SWEET. I want to see him now. Booker "gon git some." SUCKAAA.

Backstage: HHH makes awful jokes. Now they can be "Booker and Cooker." OHHH, THAT'S OUR HHH, THE SCAMP. The mood gets darker when Steiner is mentioned. OMGGGGG

JR and Lawler finally mention Mr. Perfect. They've put together a montage of all of Perfect's sports segments, along with various towel-tossing and gum-smacking. Nice. Sigh... I'll miss him a lot. It's also about time the WWE showed this amount of class, as I haven't a nice display like this in a long time.


Stacker 2 Burn of the Night: Well, it was nice of D-Lo Brown to film a segment of himself getting Brownsized by some new guy that Teddy Long has hired.

Crying for D-Lo: Rodney "BERNIE OMG RACIST" Mack vs. Al Snow

Teddy says he's takin' a message to Whitey. Shoulderblock from Rodney. Whips. Shoulderblock from Snow. Underhook headbutts. Various beatuppery, Rodney finishes with a really FUCKED UP powerbomb on the neck. GANSO BOMBBBUUUU or some shit. Poor Al Snow. He's dead.

Backstage: Christ and Christian gossip backstage. They don't like HBK and Jeff. Okay. Jericho walks out by spitting the gum and smacking it. Thank you for being the classiest wrestler ever, Chris.

Commercials have to go.

Jericho is my new hero: Y2EGO LOL and That Other Guy vs. Team One Week Anniversary

Jeff walks out dancing like an absoulte fruit. I can dance better than that, and I'm whiter than Chris Nowinski. No Jesusy shirt this week. A scrum to start. Jeff catapults Jericho out of the ring. Guardrail running is turned into a powerslam by Jericho. HAHA. Jericho and Christian go for the doubleteam on Shawn. Jericho has handcuffs? Oh, who does he think he is, the Bossman? Besides, HBK might think it's kinky. Shawn is handcuffed to the rope on the outside. Heels then doubleteam Jeff in the ring. JR keeps insulting Bischoff. Scorpion Death Drop on Jeff from Christian. Jericho taunts Shawn. He and Christian take his belt and beat the proverbial Government Mule. Heels then beat up Hardy, who almost blows a spot. Jerich taunts HBK with the key. Whysper in some wind up in heah on Christian in the ring. Jericho drops the key. HBK gets it. He can't seem to get it unlocked. That'd be AWESOME if Jericho gave him the wrong key. Aww, he got it open. He's a homoerotic christian afire as he beats up Christian. Christian up top... "THE STUPID!" Christian is tossed out of the ring. Jeff goes apeshit on him. Jericho runs into the ring with a chair, but takes a superkick into the chair into the face. Seanton bomb on Jericho, that's your match. Pff. L8r 2nite, we get a graphic for JR vs. Eric. JR's graphic is a picture of him behind his desk. Heh.

Commercials: Eh.

Backstage: Christian and Jericho throw a fit and pout. "They're" gonna pay!

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG! THE MOTHERFUCKING HURRICANE vs. promo for Eric Bischoff vs. JR vs. I love Nowinski for not liking "Old School."

Even JR and Lawler are surpised to see Hurricane on RAW. Crowd chants "HARVARD SUCKS." Nowinski kicks. And mocks the Hurricane pose. Hurricane-rana off the top rope! Clothesline from Nowinski. Clubbering. Cover, Hurri kicks out at one. Some kind of move is reversed into THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for 2. BIG floating DDT from Hurricane! Bulldog! The cover is for the number 2. Supertope ends up being "THE STUPID" for Hurricane. "Modified Spinebuster" gets that fabled 2 count. Sort-of-Eye of the Hurricane! 3 count! There's a shitload of Hurricane signs in the crowd! ARE YOU LISTENING, WWE?

Backstage, Eric Bischoff kicks a little pad with JR's picture on it held up by Morley, who wears a cowboy hat and screams about BBQ sauce, "STONE CAWLD STONE CAWLD", and other assorted JR Stereotypes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. BEST SEGMENT EVER.

Some commercials up in heah.

No Way Out has a theme song.

Backstage: Big Poppa Pillz Pullz on some comically oversized rubberbands.

This shall be glorious: Spiek Dudley vs. Gerrardo and Rosey (PALMSLOL) and Jamal has no possible funny nickname.

Spiek tries for the SNEEK ATTACK but is D-NIED! Spiek is killed. Jamal steps on Spike's head and keeps it there. Haha. Tilty sidewalk slam! JR: "The referee could just stop the match." BUT HE WON'T BECAUSE HE HATES SPIKE TOO. BIG SPLASH! Rico gets the cover! GRABS THE TIGHTS! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fucking awesome. That's an obvious 3 count. Rico is JUBILANT! JR and Lawler pimp the 2003 WWE preview magazine or something.

Commercials and we outta heah.

JR claims to not be afraid of Eric Bischoff. Now we get a rundown of the No Way Out card. UNESCAPABLE

Backstage: "Dirty" Terri interviews Big Soda Popinski. Booker walks up for a small unimportant comment.

Even more commercials.

I'm not looking forward to this: Big Poppa Smurf and Booker Tiberius vs. TRIPLING THE H'S and Beggin' Strips.

TIME2PLAYTEHGAYME! HU HU HU! All of the Axis of Evolution or whatever are out. Booker with a big spinkick on HHH. PUnching. Back body drop. Cover, 2. Tag to Bacon Banana. Kicking. Cover, Booker kicks out at 2. Booker with a kick, but Banana gets a clothesline. Tag to Huntar. Booker squirrels away and tags Steiner. Choppy punchy. Whip, Flair grabs Steiner's leg. Steiner chases Flair up the ramp, but stops. In the ring, HHH bionic elbows Steiner. Heel trickery ensues. Whippery. SLEEPER! SLEEPER! MY GOD THE SLEEPER! Steiner MIRACULOUSLY powers out. Tag to Booker. Booker is a good worker afire! Wow! Go to it, Booker. HEEL kicks all around! SPINAROONIE! Booker turns around right into a Banana Clothesline. So much for the fast pace. Pedigree is teased, but Steiner runs in. Flair runs up but gets punched off the apron, taking the best bump of the night. Steiner tosses Orton, as Booker gets the Axe Kick on HHH! Cover... THREE!!! OH... MY... GOD! I have officially died, and this is Chairshot Heaven. I never thought I would see this day. SPOP:ER: He'll job at Wrestlemania, but it's fucking glorious now. I love you, Booker.

Commercials must die.

Sour Starburst Rewing: Eric has to face Austin at No Way Out.

WE'RE BACK LIVE, Coach has replaced JR.

Coach didn't know that Eric was an 8th degree blackbelt. To quote Paul Heyman, "You didn't watch much Nitro in 1998, did you?"

Austin better not ruin this: Eric Bischoff vs. One of my worst enemies

Eric shows up early and breaks some wooden boards with his mad karate skils. He yells a lot and pretends that the boards are Austin's body parts. "Now this one even scares me myself." He pretends a watermelon is Austin's head and smashes it. Now we have a cinderblock. Oh, JR finally decides to show up. Hah, he doesn't even cater to the crowd and wears his OKLAHOMO shirt. Eric gets the mic again, and gives a speech while Morley rubs his shoulders. Eric says there's no DQ's in this match. Eric does his karate posturing. So JR, ever the bastard, slaps him. So Morley ATTAX from behind. Good. Eric just watches the beatdown. Coach says, "This is ridiculous! He (Morley) used to be an intercontinental champion!" Haha. Morley gets the cinderblock. And puts it on JR's head. STOMP! haha, the fake block broke. OH JESUS LAWLER'S RUNNING DOWN. He punks Morley, and goes after Bisch. Bisch kicks him in the stomach, which he kind of sells. Sort of. So Morley ATTAX from behind, thank god. Eric continues to attack JR. Eric covers and demands the count. Eric wins. Is it wrong to have loved that? Eric gets up on the turnbuckle and demands beers be tossed to him! HAHA. This owns. Coach: "Austin has to be watching this, and he has to be UN-un-happy." Does that mean he's happy? Eric and Morley toast their beers. Eric: "JR, you need a drink? You don't look so good!" Eric pours it in JR's face. Awesome.

Final Thoughts: That episode owned my face. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT