Backstage: Triple H meanders around waiting for someone to notice him, when he walks into Eric Bischoff and squeezes some admiration from him. There are evil doings in store for Goldberg.
Opening Promo: Christ Jericho and Christian are picketing Steve Austin's incompetent managing of RAW. They should hire Don Baylor, I hear he's free. They complain for a while, until BUTWAIT! I NEVER EXPECTED STEVE AUSTIN TO INTERRUPT THIS PROMO CAN YOU BELIEVE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS Austin called Jericho's friendly backslap last week "punking me out." Austin asks one of them to provoke him, and Jericho steps up at first, but backs off and screams "Get'm Christian!" Maybe he'll use a little plastic axe like in that commercial. GET'M GIMLI! Austin takes 10 minutes to book a match between Jericho and Rob Van Dam to determine the #1 Contendah to the Intercontinental Title. RIGHT NOW
Rob charges into the ring and manages to fend off both Jericho and Christian, who retreat to the outside of the ring, whereupon Rob charges and suicide topes onto both of them.
Commercials. Urlacher is the hungriest player of the week. Hungry for LOSSES, that is. Haha. Wait, did TNM already use that?
WE'RE BACK LIVE: Rob lands a Stonercanrana, into a rollup. JR called it a "moonsault." Hahahaha. CHRSITIAN HAS ENGAGED THE CHEATERY. On the outside, Jericho whips Rob into the steps. They go back in the ring, where Jericho engages a headlock while pulling Rob's ponytail. Heh. Jericho off the second rope, but lands right into a dropkick from Rob. Clubbering, followed by whips and a spin kick from Rob. Stepover kick, followed by ROTFLWTF Thundar. Leaping kick from the top rope gets 2 for Rob. Flippy Turnbuckle Thing works, but Jericho tries for the Liontamer. Rob reverses into a cradle for 2! Sleeper from Jericho, followed by choppery.
Rob dodges a charge and lands an elbow, but hits the ref with a kick. Jericho gets the bulldog, but the Lionsault hits knees. Likewise, Rob's attempts at a Five Star Frog Splash lands upon knees as well. So, Christian runs in and accidentally hits Jericho with the IC belt, then hits Rob to rectify the mistake. The ref wakes up just in time for a DQ. BUTWAIT! Steve Austin books Jericho vs. RVD vs. Christian for the title at Unforgiven.
Commercials.
Lawn Dart vs. Not Really the Voice of Barnacle Boy
The Dudleys scrum with La Resistance before the match even starts. Spike has a big old brace around his neck. In the ring, the match starts and ends just as quickly once Conway hits a neckbreaker and covers for the win. Conway then gets the table and sets it up in the ring, and he subsequently powerbombs Spike. The Dudleys then run in and chase him off WAY TOO LATE. Spike's dead, and the Dudleys are angry.
Backstage: Al, Coach, and Eric plot. Al and Coach have something insidious in store for later in the evening. Eric says he has to attend to the contract signing between Kane and Shane later, as Coach and Al advise him that those always end in chaos. Well, it's true. A messenger runs in and informs Eric that there are supposedly hot bitches waiting for him in his office. Right.
Commercials. Tracy Morgan has taken to taunting hockey players now. Maybe next he'll tell Sammy he's in the wrong game. I just keep referencing Don Baylor today. Weird. IT'S SO REEEEEEEEEAL
Backstage: The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young are backstage waiting for Eric Bischoff. IT WAS A DAMN SETUP, KING!!!! Austin engineered the whole plot. Tonight is Moolah's eighty-thousandth birthday, so natrually, she has a match.
Occurance #4000 of JR's "Pet Coon" Metaphor vs. Still Not Old Enough to Have Seen the Last Chicago World Series Win
Victoria spends all her time beating the shit out of Mae Young, so natrually Moolah wins with THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP. Victoria, furious, ATTAX post match, until BUTWAIT! It's Randy Orton for no inexplicable reason. He's upset with Victoria until BUTWAIT he delivers the Rumpus Klobbering, Obviously to Moolah. Because he hates old people, I guess is his latest gimmick.
Commercials.
RAR STMLAR (Short Term Memory Loss Awareness Replay) They keep showing big wins from Goldberg's career. Hey, I think I just saw Raven getting killed. Wasn't Raven only U.S. Champion for a day?
The New, NEW Dancing Fools vs. I Hospitalized The Hurricane and Pork Vaccuum (W/ Teddy Long)
Lance Storm has awful Sean Paul-esque music, which he dances to maniacally. He even dances to Rodney Mack's music. Heh. Storm and Mack lock up for a while. Storm with armwrenchery, followed by a jawbreaker, and a great-looking dropkick. Mack with a Scoop Slam! IT'S OVER! Mack tags to Henry. He picks Storm up and shoves him into the turnbuckle. Clubbering. Storm tags Goldust, who hits Henry with a flurry of punches that he no-sells, and proceeds to drop Goldust for the win. Squash city.
Backstage: Evolution talk about how great they are. Flair and Triple leave, leaving Orton to wander the halls for a few hours. He passes Maven, and both of them pretend that they weren't just staring at each other's asses. They seriously had that expression on their faces. Orton then runs into HBK (crowded hallway, it seems), Orton vaguely references Marty Janetty. Heh. Shawn ends up slapping Orton. Kane and Shane sign their contract next. JR: "It's gotta be an EXPLOSION!" JR is operating on 3 days without sleep tonight, I imagine.
Commercials. Wrestlemania XIX for the Gamecube. HHH: "50,000 people are about to scream my name." Followed by 'SUCKS', I hope.
Earlier today: Hurricane tried to teach Rosey how to fly. Instead, he calls a cab. It's really not as funny as it sounds, and it doesn't even sound funny. This segues into El Filtho asking Molly and Gail how they're going to destroy Trish tonight.
OPENING PROMO: Eric Bischoff is here to introduce our contract signing. Kane and Shane are signing both contracts and release forms, tonight, because Last Man Standing matches are supposedly brutal. Maybe for the viewers. ZING! Jim Ross talks about how Kane "Set my big ass on fire." Heh. It takes quite a man to wear a shirt that looks as gay as that one, Shane McMahon. They jaw for a while, and Shane signs his contract. Kane REFUSES and kicks the table over. He's ANGARY, but Shane charges at him and beats him up for a while, and delivers a lot of low blows. Chairshots, beetdown. Shane puts Kane on the mysterious appearance of the Spanish Announce Table, and does the Elbow spot that would be neat if I hadn't seen it in every single Shane McMahon match ever.
Commercials.
OMG RAMZA WELCUM TO HELL LOL vs. Flopsy Mopsy and SOLLY WOLVELINE
Trish begins with a double dropkick, then does the hangman spot on both heels. 'rana follwed by a dropkick get a 2 count for Stratus. Stupid rana. Molly finally lands a punch, and tags to Gail Kim, who busts out more punching and scoop slams. Trish gets laid out... Guillotine legdrop! Tag to Molly, who chokes Trish in the corner. Handspring elbow! Molly covers for 2, as JR tries to convince us that Trish Stratus will likely DIE if she fails to win here. Trish gets a very poor Pinebuster for 2. Kim tags in, gets beat up for a bit, then gets a boot, and tags Molly. Molly-Go-Round! Sweet. Molly and Kim win. Post-Match Heel Beetdown is interrupted by... Lita. My favorite Dean Malenko-voiced drunken harpy. She even blows the "meeting of the minds" spot. Twist of Fate to Molly. JR: "THANK GOD FOR LITA!"
Commercials.
Soul Calibur 2 Raw Rewing: JR punches Coachman.
Backstage: Molly, Kim, and Eric sulk. Steve Austin meanders up to reveal he hired Lita back, and books Molly and Kim vs. Lita and Trish for Unforgiven.
Jim Ross's music plays, and JONATHAN COACHMAN comes out in a cowboy hat. Hahaha. Awesome. Coach gestures towards the entrance ramp, where Lawler's music plays. Al Snow wearing a Burger King crown and a SHOWER CURTAIN as a cape. This rules. They head down to the broken announce table from earlier in the night, and take control of the commentary from our regular gang of idiots, as a 'preview' of next week. By the bristly beard of Odin, this is awesome.
IT'S A PENIS JOKE ROOFLES vs. The ScienTEST
Al Snow can't imagine how a grown man can dress as a king. Val makes lewd comments to Stacy to start, so Test attacks him from behind. Test goes to the outside and grabs a chair and forces Stacy to sit in it. Punching, when he gets back in the ring. Clothesline. Test pokes Val in the eye, and Val gets a sloppy excuse for a Low-Down for 2. Val drops some elbows, then goes up top to Boardwalk. He gets crotched. Pumphandle slam from Test, but Stacy breaks it up. Test gives chase until Scott Steiner comes out. Test gets crotched on the top rope, Val then gets the Brock Bottom for the win. Post-Match, Test is angry with Stacy. Steiner runs in for a belly2belly. Test runs off, but not before grabbing Stacy.
Lawler then comes out and challenges Al Snow to a match. Coach, who along with Snow, had been mocking JR throughout the whole segment, tells Al that "BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP" before he leaves for the match. Haha. Too bad Snow is going to job like a bitch.
Former ECW Star vs. The Man With the Power to Defeat Anyone Who Has Ever Wrestled in ECW
Well, at least Coachman is joining JR on commentary. Lockup in the ring, Snow with a headlock. Coach calls himself good looking, so JR says "You think you're pretty, BOAY?" Lawler puts the screws to Al in the ring, while JR informs Coach that "This isn't MTV, this is Spike TV!" Didn't Heat move to Spike/TNN a few MONTHS ago? Jim then goes on to hypocritically accuse Coach of knowing nothing about wrestling. Long story short, Lawler wins via rollup, as all former ECW stars are powerless against him. Jim Ross acts like a jackass for good measure. So, Coachman punches him in the back! YES. Hahah. JR is sprawled out on the announce table. Man, I almost feel vindicated from the time when Paul Heyman had to sell Jim Ross's feebly little girl punches.
Commercials.
Ross and Lawler yammer at me about Coachman. In the ring, there's a picture on an easel wrapped in gift paper. We run down the Unforgiven card. Brought to you by Sevendust's new song, as if anyone still cares about Sevendust.
Backstage: JR reminds us this is live. Evolution are on their way to the ring, when Steve Austin accosts them and tells them that Flair and Orton are forbidden from appearing for the closing promo, mostly because Flair will be too over and distract us all from HHH's amazing microphone skills.
Commercials.
Closing Promo: HHH takes a full 3 and a half minutes to get to the ring. HHH declares that this is going to be a farewell party to celebrate Goldberg's last night on RAW. Triple tries to get a 'Goldberg' chant started, as Destruction Balloons Rain From the Heavens! HHH says he's beaten all the stars that Goldberg's beaten. Not that I'd doubt it if DDP did the job to everyone in the WWF, but did HHH beat DDP? HHH's microphone cuts out for the arena audio, but we're still able to hear him on TV for some reason. Heh. He says 'hello' about 3000 times. HHH with the BURN OF THE CENTURY when he says that "I didn't know Goldberg made microphones." ZING! Triple reveals the picture on the easel as being a photo of Goldberg being beat up by Evolution at Summerslam. HHH also presents us with a clip of Goldberg being beat up last Monday. JR: "Goldberg gut and quartered..." That's quite the mixed metaphor, Jim. Moreso than usual. Bravo.
BUTWAIT!: Goldberg is on the Titan Tron. He refutes HHH's claim of victory at Unforgiven, and makes the AUDACIOUS claim that HHH will instead LOSE! THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! FOLKS, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION! So, Goldberg runs out a beats up HHH. Are we done? Yes.
Final Thoughts: That was a bubbling pool of suck, aside from Coachman and Snow. MEOWTH, DAT'S RIGHT!