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Star Trek: YO THERE BE FOUR LIGHTS UP IN THIS CARDASSIAN HEEZY

Yeah, I was going to do RAW last week, but in the middle of the show, my computer crashed and I lost the rebeak.

RAW opening. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SMARK OUT 4 TEH NEW FOR HORSEMEN

YOU GET THE LUGZ, THE HUGS, THE MONKEY GENERATION

Hosts: J "FLOSSING LIKE A HOSS" R and Jerry "Manwhore" Lawler

CAN U CURTAIN JERK, SUCKAAAAAAAA?: Aformentioned vs. The Worstest Hardy

There's a giant Multi-person "5-time, 5-time, 5-time, etc." sign. We flashback to Jeff ALMOST GOING HEEL on RVD last week. Wristlocks and crap to start. A whole lot of dodges and reversals and nothing for a few minutes. Chops from Booker start things. Jeff gets a takedown and punches. Booker with the KIX. Jeff with a crossbody that gets 2. There's like hardly anyone there. Jeff gets a missile dropkick for 2, as JR BLATANTLY LIES by saying that he feels Booker belongs in the championship hunt. Oh, JR, you're MY favorite pathological racist. Booker with a Pinebuster. Jeff dodges the axekick, and gets Jawbreaker #1 of the match. Whispering In Some Wind Over Heah gets 2 for Jeff. Booker with a THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for the victory. Huh. POST-MATCH: SPINAROONIE! Jeff responds by clotheslining Booker and pushing him out of the ring. Jeff ATTAX, but Booker sends him into the guardrail. Haha. Even your heel turns are blown spots, Jeff.

Backstage, Steiner be walkin'. Some Guy accosts him, but Steiner PAYS NO HEED!

Commercials: OHNO THE XBOX PERVERTS ARE BACK

"Opening" Promo: Big Poppa Pillz is out for hopefully a rambling nonsensical extravaganza. Steiner's miffed about the Beeting he received last week. So he immediately calls out TRIPPA EH, who's dressed like a jackass. Haha, I think the crowd is chanting "FUCK YOU." Chicago still rules. It is written. Does Tripppllleee H ever cut any new promos? Flair, Orton, and Banana all come out to charge the ring. BUTWAIT! Steiner ATTAX with a pipe he had taped to his leg. Haha. This is so awful.

Commercials: The WWE will never come back to Ohio.

Backstage: Terri interviews D-Lo and Teddy Long. Haha, this rules. D-Lo's about to face the Hurricane. Teddy Long questions why there are no black superheroes. Terri: "If my memory serves me correctly, you've never wrestled a superhero before, have you, D-Lo?" BITE THE YELLOW PEPPER, CHAIRMAN TAKESHI TERRI. NOW SMILE

My Dream Match: D-Lo vs. Whiteycane

While our heroes lockup, JR and Lawler debate whether Shaft was a superhero. JR remembers D-Lo's Eurocontinental reign as D-Lo goes gutpunching. D-Lo goes for the ab stretch, and GRABS THE ROPE because he's a proud heel. Hurri powers out with an armdrag. Side Effect! D-Lo gets a 2 count from that. D-Lo tries a powerbomb, but Hurri reverses it to a HURRIcanrana. That looked kinda sloppy. Charging clothesline, and what looked like Regal's old Union Jack move. Frankensteiner sends D-Lo outside of the ring, where he gets a plancha to boot. Back in the ring, Sky High! Lawler informs us it's now called "FADE TO BLACK" HAHAHAHAHAHA. Jesus god. The cover gets a big racist 3. A HIGHLY ANTICIPATED UPDATE ON THE STATUS OF STACY KEIBLER NEXT!!!!!!1

Commercials go here.

Backstage: SOMEONE watches the Hogan interview from Thursday. OMG IT'S MORLEY. Didn't he watch it Thursday? Jericho paces. Terri blabs about nothing while I'm mesmerized by Jericho's checkered pants. We Flashback to Stacy being drozzled last week. Haha, the tragic music. Stacy has a "Grade 2" concussion. What? Terri demeans Jericho his moral obligations, but Jericho DENIES her and says he's doing it IN THE RING.

Some commercials and shiznit.

Dig a Crotch Tunnel, Diglett: Jericho starts this one off all somber, but he's actually talking about his title shot next week. Hahahahaha. Then he offers a halfhearted apology to Stacy. BUTWAIT! CHRISTIAAAAAN! CHRISTIAAAAAN! is here! He says there's no need to apologize for anything. And he tells the fans to go to hell. Hahaha. Haha, Christian says that it's not Jericho's fault, it's her own fault. But then Jericho says that the blame lies only with Test. Jericho starts whining. Awesome. Jericho is the world's greatest whiner. BUTWAIT! it's CHRISTIAAAAN! CHRISTIAAAAN! Oh, just HBK. Haha, get it, cuz he's really into Jesus and shit. Oh, go home. SHIRT: "PRAYER WARRIOR" Man. HBK chides Jericho for "not being a man." Generic promo crap, then HBK rushes the ring. The heels have the advantage at first, but HBK takes advantage of the odds, (God = 2 people), and takes the advantage and beats the heels out of the ring.

Backstage: Victoria goes nuts, as Trish puts on her dumb cowboy hat.

Commercials. Motor Oil makes light of people who need organ donors. Haha. Man, I love tonight.

Something of the night: Hurricane and Trish beat Richards and Victoria with some crap. Hurricane and Trish no longer team up, because everyone knows girls don't hang out with nerds.

Eh: Lincoln Crown Victoria vs. Dodge Stratus

This is different from every other streetfight these two have had because it's a CHICAGO Streetfight. Victoria gets the Sabu-style over-the-top-rope legdrop. JR's talking about how EVIL Victoria is, and he says something about how she's "More Evil than an X-Box Phone Call" or something that I could barely make out. Back to the action, Trish does the double trash can lid spot Vic. But, Vic nails Trish with the lid, then catapults her into a can itself. A lot of crap going onhere. Whips, but Richards accidentally sprays Victoria with a fire extinguisher, then Trish hits her with what JR (I think) calls the "CHIMP KICK." It gets 2. Richards gets dragged into the ring and beaten with a kendo stick. Trish blows the DUDLEY DAWG, and the heels toss her out of the ring and onto the guardrail. The cover gets 3. Vic is all about the post-match beatdown, but Richards advises against it, as while they're walking up the ramp, JAZZ is out, and BEATS THE LIVING HELL out of Trish. HAHAHA. Oh man, I have missed Jazz. Suplex, DDT, STF, Jazz runs the gamut of real wrestling moves in the beatdown. Awesome.

Commercials. I think Trish stole Hurricane's old wind machine for her stupid Stacker 2 commercial.

Starburst Rewing: The Dudleyz losing the titles last week.

Bluh: No Longer Brought to you by the Ahmed Johnson Remix vs. We'll Always be Flag Fags in Your Hearts

The Dudleys attack during the flag-waving. D-Von goes for the Union Jack beating. And Buh Buh for the Maple Leaf beating. Dudley Double Team. Dudley Death Drop. They perform the What Is Up Drop. D-Von can't find the table. Haha, just like HHH with that Sledghammer. There ARE NO tables. HAHAHAHA. "ECW" chant dies down quickly as everyone realizes there's no tables. Cheif Miles 0'Venis is out to explain there's no tables. Hahaha. Morley has a table at the top of the ramp for them, BUTWAIT! THREE MINUTE WARNING ATTAX! Hahahhaa. Sweet. Back into the ring. Samoan Drop on Buh Buh! BUTWAIT! Little Shit Dudley is out to Acid Drop once... twice... NO! Onto the ropes he goes! Rico with the Spin Kick! Spike goes flying. Powerbomb on D-Von through the table. This one's over. Haha.

Commercials bring nothing new to the table.

Clips from the WWE's AzN tour. Haha, everyone loves Booker in Japan. Haha, they don't show Tajiri getting his title shot, either.

Backstage, H's Heels accost Bischoff. The TUFF 3 NUFF winners who I don't know have a pep talk. Al Snow peps them up more. They walk off. But behind them, Nowinski crushes a fist. Haha, beat them good. Chris. Then RVD stretches and pretends like he's not going to turn heel on Kane.

Commercials. UGH

Flashback to the TUFF 3 NUFF finale. One winner looks like Chris Nowinski and the other looks like Rico. "Matt and John."

Count the blown spots: Eh. "Matt" vs. "John"

Some headlocks. A lot of them. Hiptoss. Isn't that all they ever do on Tuff Enough? Hiptosses a plenty. BUTWAIT, Nowinski is out and clobbers Al from behind. Then he interrupts the match and gets the mic. He says that he's bitter that he didn't win the first Tuff E Nuff. BUTWAIT! TOMMY DREAMER CAN YOU HEAR ME? is out to chase Nowinski off. Then he gets the mic and "welcomes" the 2 with a phony speech. This is so leading to a heel turn. HAHA, then he clobbers them both with the Kendo Stick, and the crowd loves it! Haha, some heel turn, now he's even more over.

Commercials. Snore.

Bischoff is out. He's got a response from Austin, apparently. Flashback to that Confidential where they were shooting all over Austin. Haha, Austin answers all in RAW Magazine, not RIGHT HERE TONIGHT. HAHA, they've got a Creed "My Sacrifice" music video prepared for him. This is so old.

Commercials. Uh.

PLZ TURN RVD: RVD and KAN vs. DAV and HHH

That's a long "A" up there. Hey, there's Flair. I remember him. Kane starts out by punching and whipping Dave. Clothesline from Dave. Tag to Rob. Kicky and spinny. Cover gets 2. Flippy turnbuckle thing that never works ends with Rob getting gored. Tag to HHH. Kicky from Rob after aeons of punching. HIGH KNEE. There's a guy in a Hurricane shirt and a guy in a Cubs Jersey BOTH IN THE SAME ROW. Tag to Bacon Banana. Beating. Tag to Huntar. Enzugiri/enziguri. Tag 2 Kane. Kane is a satard-a-fire. Up top, Kane almost misses the clothesline. Tag to Rob, the 5 Star misses, as Orton and Flair are interfering like crazy. Dave takes Kane's mask off. Kane runs away crying. Rob is back in action, ROFLing Thundar! Five Star... no, Dave catches him! Fucked up Bananaslam! Bananabomb! This is it. Heel beating on Rob. HEER COMEZ STEINER. He's got the pipe. BUTWAIT, Jericho ATTAX Steiner! But Steiner Belly2Bellys him back to the midcard as the REEL HEELS beat down Steiner. Heel pose. Steiner blades. Bananabomb, but Steiner's pants fell down! HAHA. Uh oh, Flair's flipping out. Figure four! Biggest pop of the night, too. The 4 Heelsmen leave, but Jericho wakes up for the cocky heelery as HHH's music plays. Haha. Liontamer!

Final Thoughts: That was the best RAW I've seen in some time. Kudos to whoever made this one possible.