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PRE-RAW: Work.

I come in late to find: Commercials. Phantom Fireworks trying to capitalize on the jingoist in all of us. "A few months ago, the USA showed the world it's firepower! Now show YOUR'S!" It's the American Freedom Sale! God, go audition for Tough Enough, you beefstick-looking jackass.

We come back from commercial in time to see a match in progress, Booker T vs. Christian. Booker takes a dropkick, Christian covers for 2, then goes into a stretch. Christian fights out of a jawbreaker attempt, then points to his head. Hooker is scoffing somewhere. Austin has food poisoning tonight, there's a new women's champion, and Kane is forced to appear maskless later. There's your recap of the first 40 minutes.

Christian hits a neckbreaker, then a sleeper. Book fights out, heel kick, chops. Chris dodges the sidekick and gets what JR calls the "modified backbreaker." Sleeper again. Christian is "rockin' Booker T's world," says JR. With chops. Christian off the top- Booker heel kicks him on the way down! Booker gets a suplex, then covers for 2. Bookend... no! Unprettier becomes a whip, Axe Kick... no! Christian grabs for THE ROLLUP (w/the tights), but Booker kicks out at 2. Flapjack, Spinaroonie! Axe kick misses and Booker gets caught on the ropes! Booker goes up top, but Christian charges for the crotch attack! NICE Superplex from Christian, but Booker covers him when they land! Booker scores the pinfall, and you'd have a new Intercontinental champion, had not Eric Bischoff come out and declare the win void by deeming Booker's shoulders were still on the mat. The victory goes to Christian.

Backstage: RVD gets pissy with Kane. Rob says the fans will accept him, but Kane takes a page from Othello and says "I... hate... the fans." He also hates Rob. Aww.

Commercials.

Blame Yourself Or God: His Royal Badness and Sir Awfulpants vs. EINSTEINER and I Slept With David Flair

Jericho shufflyfeets on the ramp. We get a flashback to Test killing Mae Young last week. Steiner clubbers Jericho for a while. Jericho has enough, so tags in Test. Test gets atomically dropped, then chopped like mad. Steiner finally decides to sell being thrown to the outside, where Jericho throws him into the stairs and chokes him with the TV cable. Back in the ring, Test whips Steiner into the corner, then does jumping jacks. JR thanks us for "inviting us into your homes again." Jimmy, you sly dog, I never invited you and Jerry. You broke in. And ate all my food. Steiner finds the momentum again, tosses Jericho, dodges TEH BOOT, but a low blow allows the Canadians a doubleteam. The hit the ref, who rings the bell for the Dairy Queen. BUTWAIT! Eric Bischoff's out on the ramp and says the match is to restart under No Dairy Queen. They nail Steiner with a chair, and then use his limp arm to tag Stacy. PUMPHANDLE! I may start to like Test yet. Test + Christ Jericho win.

Commercials.

It's a Spiderman joke: Maven the Hunter vs. Rico the Homesexual

Mz. Jackie rubs noses with Rico (who's wearing an awesome lime green suit) on the ramp. In the ring, Rico prances around awesomely, then dodges Maven's charge by copping a feel on his ass. Rico tells Maven to 'talk to the hand', then reaches into his pants and pulls out the key to his hotel room? Haha. Maven catches Rico, who then kisses him on the cheek. Rico's all business now, and clubbering away. Then he grabs the ref's hand and prances around the ring with him. Rico gets kicks a plenty, earning a "RI-CO!" chant, which is not follwed by "'S GAY" or "SUCKS". Amazing. Maven gets a flying bulldog, but Mz. Jackie puts Rico's foot on the ropes. Dr. Zaius Kick, Rico is victorious.

Commercials.

JVC Tower of Fanatics Something of the Something: Foley got beetdown.

So, there are knaves even in the Hokuten: CAN WE STRESS ENOUGH THAT HE IS THE FUTURE OF THE WWE vs. I Don't Eat Gross Things Anymore.

Grappling for like 5 minutes to start. Punching. Tommy is whipped into the post. Dropkick, cover gets two. Tommy on the offensive, clotheslines, Pinebuster! It gets 2. Tommy up top, misses horribly. Evenflow! Flair interferes, so Tommy gives chase with the kendo stick. Back in, Orton gets the "RKO" for the win. Tommy, meanwhile, get teh beetdown.

Backstage, Eric asks Rob if he's ready for his match tonight. Rob pulls the Squall with "... whatever." RVD doesn't like Kane being exploited for ratings. ALL: "WHAT RATINGS?!!?" Har.

Commercials.

Backstage, Eric demands The Dirty One ask Kane what's up.

The Delacroix of French heelery: French Dudes vs. SugarCane Helms and THE FIRST NETWORK FOR MEN

Spike is hardly an improvement over Sgt. Slaughter, SugarShane. I wonder if anyone calls him "Sugar." That reminds me too much of the annoying Southern Rogue in the old X-Men cartoon. Ugh. Hurricane starts with a Tough Enough-sized amount of armdrags. Tag to Spike, who gets a midgetcanrana. Spike with his usual spastic offense, up until he gets back body dropped over the top rope to the floor. Oof. Spike gets rolled back in, and kicks out at 2. Hurricane tagged in, high crossbody on Sylvan! Neckbreaker, tag, Spike with the stomp off the top. Hurri runs in, chokeslam is teased, Spike goes for the Acid Drop- NO! Double whatever La Resistance's Finisher Is, and Spike has jobbed.

During the Break: Terri looks for Kane.

Commercials.

b@rk: The Manipulator vs. The Subservient

Way too many Final Fantasy Tactics references tonight. I might as well just call RVD "HASHmalum." ON ACCOUNT OF THE DRUGZ and all. Blah.

We begin with brawling. HIGH KNEE already! It only gets a rare one-count. More punching, Flippy Turnbuckle Thing actually works! Mule kick gets 2 for Rob. Dropkick, that gets 2. RVD clotheslines HHH to the outside. Clubbering on HHH, followed by Rob going to the apron and getting a moonsault press onto HHH on the floor! Wow. Flair has run out, as we go to our beloved- Commercials.

WE'REBACKLIVE: punching. Rob is a stoner-ablaze. Whoa. Rob charges at HHH in the corner and gets some kind of variation of Air Sabu, but without anyone playing the part of RVD to his Sabu. HHH gets a chopblock on Rob's knee. Flair runs up and rams Rob's knee into the post. So does HHH. HHH and Flair hurt Rob's knee a lot. Triple H locks in the Indian Deathlock. That lasts about a year, until Rob gets the rope. HHH then goes for the Figure Four, with similar results. Rob with the stepover kick. Crossbody from the 2nd rope! Cover... 2. Split-legged moonsault! Cover- Flair interrupts! So Rob goes and kicks him INNA FACE. And walks right into the Pedigree- NO! Rob reverses to a catapult. Up top, Five Star Frog Splash! Flair blatantly interrupts at 2, forcing the Dairy Queen. Allmighty Ahuramazda. BUTWAIT!, it's Eric Bischoff yet again, as he orders the match restarted as a No-DQ match. HHH immediately gets a chair, which of course allows Rob to get the Van Daminator! Eric then decrees that falls count anywhere, so RVD immediately covers. Orton runs out and barely makes the save at 2! Rob disposes of him, and chases HHH onto the ramp. Pedigree- NO! Backdrop, leading into ROFEL-ing THUNDAR! Cover- 2! And then the rest of Evolution comes back to the ramp and allows HHH to easily win. Kane then runs out and teases a chokeslam on Rob, but chokeslams Eric Bischoff off the stage instead. Kane's been shaved bald now, and he grimaces into the camera for far too long as we fade out.

Final Thoughts: GRR-BAAH! MEOWTH, DAT'S RIGHT.