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PRE-RAW: I was stuck at work until about 9:15, so I missed what was surely a fabulous opening. However, some guy who came into the store looked a lot like Dean Malenko.

ANDWE'REBACK: Jericho is ordering the monkeys in the truck to show Austin's jerking with Lance Storm last week. Coincidentally, Lance is introduced as the guest on the Highlight Reel. Some gems of quotes from Storm: "Nobody enjoys a good joke more than I do." and "If you want bells and whistles, I suggest the circus." Some dudes come by and start to dismantle the Highlight Reel set, as Austin's grim visage appears on the Miss Tron to demean him some Canadians. Austin challenges them to face the Dudleys-

RIGHT NOW

Brawling starts us, but the Dudz clothesline the cannucks out of the ring. The match officially starts with Storm and Buh Buh. Buh clubbers, then gets a sidewalk slam. Cheatery allows Jericho to get tagged in. Jericho goes for chokes, as Storm gets a tag and puts Buh in the Sleeper. THE POWER OF AMERICA allows Buh to escape, as Lawler makes fun of Stu Hart for being so old. Jericho is tagged in, puts Buh Buh in the liontamer, but D-Von breaks it up. No tag among the heels, so Lance comes in and gets sleeper holds ahoy, as the crowd chants "Boring." Buh escapes, double tag, D-Von is flaming, as JR calls him a "One Man Gang." Scrum, Jericho + Buh Buh are in, Jericho takes a double body drop, which the dumbass crowd called the "3D." Nutshot, Storm interrupts the cover, accidentally hits Jericho, then picks up the REAL 3D and the loss.

Commercials.

5 MONTHS AGO: Batista was in Evolution. And they attacked Kane.

Backstage: Randy Orton reads Foley's new book and he and Flair make fun of it. They then discuss various heel chicanery they can use to defeat Kane later.

MARIO EATS ITALY: Freedom Fags vs. ?????

The French guys come out and do the national anthem spot. BUTWAIT, it's time for-

Commercials.

HOLYCHRIST: The Hurricane lives! He's wearing the same really weird armor-looking bodysuit from Heat. Lord. He says of La Resistance: "Holy Beyotches." Hurricane introduces his partner, who is none other than Sgt. Slaughter. I wish I could say I was surprised. While the Frenchies are losing their awesome Napoleon coats, Sarge + Hurri ATTAX! High crossbody from The Hurricane! Sarge with a scoopslam! IT'S OVER! Back body drop. Cobra (COMMANDER) Clutch is applied to Dupree, but Grenier attacks. So he gets the Clutch instead. But, Sarge gets hit with the title belt and loses. way to go, Hurricane. Aww, I can't stay mad at you. It's not your fault someone backstage hates you.

Backstage: Kane preens in front of a mirror.

Commercials: Hey, how'd Hak-Foo get 4 arms? Weird. Now I'll never know, as it's over. Wait, no "HEY JACKIE"? I call FOUL.

Opening Promo: Austin enters, huzzah. Wrestlemania EXX EXX will be in Madison Square Garden, and apparently will feature guitar work from Boston, judging by this fanfare. Hah. With that out of the way, Steve introduces Mick Foley. Austin wants to give Foley something before he leaves on his book tour, and it's surprisingly not a STUNNAR. So, he brings out a bunch of former ECW guys (READ: JOBBERS) carrying the old Hardcore title in a glass case. Now we get a video package. MANKIND IN A TUX. I love that. BUTWAIT! After the package, it's Vince McMahon, and the size of his swagger has reached critical mass. It's actually comical, as Al snow has to stifle a laugh. Vince is ANGARY that Foley once said he'd never set foot in a WWF ring again. Of course, that was back when they still were the WWF, so now that they're the WWE, I guess it's okay. Vince actually thanks Mick for all his years of service, gets a handshake, then OMG A HUG. "I shared the ring with so many great performers... and Al Snow." I guess this is his retirement speech, 2 years too late.

Commercials.

JVC Tower of Zot Something of the Something: HBK loses at Bad Bludd. JR: "... ceremony for the legendary hardcore legend Mick Foley..."

Beep Boop Beep??: The Nash-Slinging Slasher and s3xxib0i vs. What? Koffing is evolving!

Lots of punching starts us out with HBK and Flair. The tradition continues when they both make tags. They tag again, but this time Shawn gets a suicide crossbody over top onto the heels. It's time for some fabulous TNN...

Commercials.

Back, HBK sunset flips Flair, but Orton clotheslines him, which somehow also included a tag from Flair. Orton starts to work on Shawn's shoulder. We're in the midst of an hour long armlock when Flair is tagged in, and does kneedrops, and poses. HBK gets in a backslide, but then Flair manages to tag Orton as he's going down. Orton immediately goes back to Shanw's arm, as Lawler calls 1998 "Dark days for WWE." Hah. The "we clotheslined each other" spot, followed by the double sleeping spot. Double tags. Nash is a sloth-afire, but Flair's low blow prevents Orton from being powerbombed. HBK gets tagged, goes crazy, but Flair catches his leg before Sweet Chin Music can be applied. Flair misses with the thumb to the eye, Shawn goes topside and hits the splash, Flair gets back up, but gets set up for the Boot to the Chin for the win.

Video package chronicling Kane's troubles with HHH, but no mention of Katie Vick. JR and myself are surprised that a slight majority of WWE.com poll voters think Kane will win tonight.

Commercials.

During the Break: Foley autographs a book for Vince McMahon, but Orton and Flair ATTAX! JR calls the seemingly month-long attack "Dastardly" and OMG I BET YOU'D NEVER GUESS VINCE TURNED HEEL, TOO.

KILL WHITEY: It's Rodney Mack and Theodore Long. Long issues another Whiteboy Challenge, and out comes Goldberg, as Lawler calls one of them, (I'm not sure which) "Theodore Mack", probably because he's a dirty racist and all black people look alike to him. Mack gets speared on the ramp, then loses the match in 26 seconds. Playa hataz.

Backstage: RVD wishes Kane luck, which seemingly angers Kane, who smashes the mirror and inadvernently cures Tommy of his blindness.

Commercials.

This Guy Are Sick: Congratulations! Your SNORLAX evolved into TRIPLE H! vs. MURDERER

Big ol' brawl to start. HHH takes the stairs spot hard. Hey, the video went out. Thankfully. Oh, it's back on just as quick. Kane got hit with a chair by Flair. Do you need further evidence that RAW is turning into Nitro? Well, here's your main event-

Commercials.

WE'REBACKLIVE: and I assume Kane just took a Pinebuster. Zombie situp, and it's back to brawling. HHH lands a DDT, then a neckbreaker. Again, zombie situp. Punching, powerslam from Kane gets 2. Flying clothesline, ref bump. Kane avoids the title beltshot, then gets one of his own, cover, but Hebner is still dead. Another official runs out and counts until 2, when HHH gets the shoulder up. Kane tosses the new ref. HHH back up, low blow, Pedigree. Cover, but Hebner is still groggy, so it's only for 2. HHH tries a Pedigree again, but it's reversed. Rinse, repeat. Kane teases the chokeslam, but gets lowly blown again, as Orton ATTAX from behind. Pedigree, HHH declares victory. Post-match: Eric Bischoff comes out and orders Kane to unmask, as JR advises us to "Put the kids to bed." Hah. Instead of unmasking, he gets ATTAXED by Evolution. Rob Van Dam runs in for the save, as he and Kane chase off the bads. Kane unmasks anyway, and he's revealed to be a balding chimneysweep, because of his dumb black eye makeup. Or Kubiak. He chokeslams RVD, as JR and Lawler lament about how much they hate ugly people. Glass houses, yo.

Final Thoughts: Much like the Big Show, I'm just hungry enough right now to probably eat a whole ham. MEOWTH, DAT'S RIGHT.