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Pre-RAW: WHO (ATTEMPTED TO) RUN DOWN GOLDBERG, OMG!

Star Trek: Creepy negotiator guy acts like a dick and thus wins Troi's heart. And... TNN goes out momentarily. Heh. Thankfully I've got my gay little steno pad at the ready, and am ready to tell you that the episode of Pokemon where Misty is HYPNOtized into thinking she's a Seel is on. Rock.

There is no prologue this week.

GROO TO THE MUSIC

Hosts: Jim "BOOMER SOONER HALUGALUGHAGHAG" Ross and Jerry "BOOKER T IS A THIEF AHALAUGAGALUGUALGUAHALUG" Lawler

JR: "THIS IS A WAY TO START OFF RAW": I guess Austin out-drank Eric at Judgement Daze or something. Austin comes out really winded. He claims he saw a lot of good matches last night. Knowing WWE, I seriously doubt that audacious claim. Eric tossed his cookies last night, as we see several times. Ah, the return of Detective Austin, on the Goldberg case. That was a REALLY weak "getting runned down" on Goldberg's part. Austin introduces HHH, as we've gone all of 7 minutes without him. WE'RE FLYING BLIND! Austin halts the mighty waterspray at the ropes. HHH is a big ol' cheater, says Steve. HHH: "While you were upstairs beating's Eric's Bischoff's liver into oblivion-" TOO MANY POSESSIVES! Austin sez HHH has to face a former champion tonight, but it's HHH's choice. He picks Ric Flair.

Commercials: My hand is numb. SPIKE TV IS COMING! (AND SO IS EZSKINZ) These early episodes of Pokemon are so weird, mostly because James isn't really overtly gay yet. So sad.

MStacker 2 Burn of the Night: THE DUDLEYZ ARE BACK or something.

FAT ATTACK: FAT (WITH FAG) vs. FAT

Scrum to start. Rosey gets the Fat Leg and the Fat Splash on D-Von. Tag to Jamal. Assorted Fat. Fat Knee gets 2. Fat Mule Kick by Rosey! Fat slam! Fatty Bomb is no good! Double tag, Buh Buh has a "Smashmouth" style, says JR. I GUESS BUH BUH IS WALKING ON THE SUN, BECAUSE HE'S A HOUSE AFIRE AND Jesus, I hate myself. Bionicle Elbow is blocked with a Stooges Spot. Double Dudley Suplex, Nutshot Drop. D-Von almost gets the tables, but there's a FAT ATTACK! Samoan (Fat) Drop! Rico orders D-Von be put through a table. D-Von, of course, dodges. Dudley Death Drop, win. I swear that "I (HEART) TRISH" sign looks like it says "I (HEART) IRISH". Rico has a mic, as he's pissed at the Island Boyz. He's leaving them. Off to become a jobber on his own!

Backstage: Eric Bischoff is hung over. Austin tries to get him to drink more, with Tommy Dreamer-esque results. Then Nash comes up to bitch at Austin.

Backstage: Flair is elated that he gets a shot at the title, but HHH wants Flair to lie down later. It really is WCW all over again.

Tonight: Goldberg vs. ???? (Giovanni)

TNN has the worst commercials. My pen refuses to write upside down. Hey, Mos Def is in that "Italian Job" movie.

Crotch Tunnel: It's time for the Highlight Reel. Our guest is CHRISTIAN. I don't understand the point of the chairs, if no one uses them. Christian turned on Jericho last night and won the Intercontinental Title... and got a Haircut. Why do so many people want to look like Billy Gunn? Ugh. Actually, up close, he looks more like Mike Sanders, making Christian a 3.0. Christian and Jericho appear to have patched things up. Christian also cheated to beat Booker T, as we see a replay of. BUTWAIT!, RVD interrupts. He calls Christian's new catchphrase "weak." Chris X2 takes offense, and the beatdown ensues. Kane runs out, and the Chrises are chased off. Austin appears on the TitanTron, and declares a tag title match immediately.

Commercials.

We come back to Jericho in the ring with Rob. Punchy Kicky. A weird spot allows RVD to get a split legged moonsault on Jericho's back. Tags. Yan Can Cook, Kane Can Stomp. Powerslam. Christian goes flying, and so does Jericho. Rob goes flying onto them. Sidewalk slam, of course, from Kane. ROFLing Thundar on Jericho. Christian holding Jericho to the turnbuckle would have a more menacing and HEEL-ish quality if the Flippy Turnbuckle Thing would ever work. Sleeper from Tian onto Rob. Tag to Jericho. Shufflyfeet! C'mon Baby for 2! Christian in, powerslam gets a two count. More sleepery from Jericho, who's in now. Liontamer is reversed to THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for 2. Tag to Kane. Usual Kane Hot Tag Generic Offense. Scrum ensues. Chokeslam, Rob gets pushed off the buckle by Jericho. Lionsault! Christian gets the cover... 2! Chris and Chris get the chairs and the Dairy Queen. They're about to Conchairto Kane, BUTWAIT! It's Booker T! Book runs wild! Spinaroonie! I really wish Lawler would drop his "BOOKER'S A CRIMINAL" routine.

Backstage: Shawn pleads with Flair to not lie down for HHH, recalling Flair's illustrious career, which brings a tear to Flair's eye.

Commercials: If I see anything worth talking about, I'll tell you.

KILL WIHITEY: MACK ATTACK vs. PLZ KILL THIS WHITEY THIS TIME

Teddy says it's time for another Whiteboy Challenge, but this time with a real WWE star. Jesus, it's Spike. Sign: "PIMP WAR" Okay. Headscissors from Spike. Spike has to survive for 5 minutes. Teddy, on commentary, says it's "all about the Dollah Dollah Bill Y'all." JR calls Spike a "prominent superstar." Teddy says he doesn't drink the Haterade, and that it's Lawler's cup of tea. Spike keeps getting 2 counts back in the ring. Acid Drop- no, Mack gets a powerslam. Now he goes for what looks like a Tazzmission, which Teddy calls the "Blackout." Spike taps out with 2 seconds to go, reminding me of this stupid TV Title Match I saw between Jericho and Disco Inferno once on WCW Saturday Night. No one cares.

Castrol GTX Rewing: Victoria killed Trish last night, so thus we get no awful giggle tonight, Praise Allah.

Backstage, Austin makes a lot of noise to hurt Eric Bischoff's head. Austin sez Eric needs women to cure his woes. So he brings in Moolah and Mae Young. Horf.

Backstage: Flair adjusts his coif. We get a WHOO!

Bleh: Testonia and America vs. France

The Frenchies have their EVIL way with Test for most of this one, after an opening slugfest. Things break down, and the eventual Steiner/Test feud that we've ALL been waiting with bated breath for finally comes into fruition. Stacy walks out on the both of them, somehow causing her music to play. JG would say that she just won.

Backstage: Austin prepares an "interrogation room."

Commercials of Doom.

Backstage: Austin interrogates... Lance Storm? Heh. Storm ran down Goldberg, I guess, but he was UNDER ORDERS from someone. So now Lance has to die for Goldberg.

Backstage: HHH gets his ribs taped. Shades of DDP. Flair walks in and says he's not gonna lie down. HHH is perturbed.

Sigh: Lanth Thtorm vs. Goodburger

Oh, Goldberg, please, never wear boxer-briefs again. Aye. A Goldberg squash, the likes of which I haven't seen since WCW. Hurrah. Post-Squash: Goldberg demands Storm tell him who was the brains. Storm reveals that it was Christ Jericho.

Commercials: Uh.

During the Break: Coach asks Jericho about what just happened. Goldberg will be the guest on the Highlight Reel next week.

HU HU HU: Ric Flair vs. DDPHHH

JR forgets what city he's in for a second as they introduce Flair. HHH tells Flair to lie down, but Ric REFUSES! HHH goes for a stuplex, but the hurt ribs top that. Ric gets suplex after suplex. PINEBUSTER from HHH! Whip, Flair Flip! Ric goes up top! AND LANDS A MOVE! Someone has a sign that mentions "Crono" for some reason. Flair's on fire! Figure Four! HHH reaches the ropes, because Flair's won with that move maybe twice ever. Chops-A-Plenty. HIGH KNEE! It's over! Ref bump, HHH gets the belt, but Flair with the thumb to the eye! Low blow! Belt shot! Flair covers! The ref is alive! 1... 2... NO! Flair is strutting... goes for the Figure Four again, but is shrugged off. It goes back and forth, until... Pedigree. Win. Shit. Kevin Nash walks in at 2 MPH, as HHH collapses on the ramp, and Austin announces HHH/Nash PART II for Bad Blood. Horable Hemoglobin.

Final Thoughts: That wasn't that bad, I guess. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT