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Star Trek: May not have been on.

Here I am again, living vicariously through, uh, myself.

RAW opening. Bischoff and Miles and Miles of O'Brien gab. They don't want to piss off McMayonaise. Scott Steiner shows up and yells. I WANT TRIPLE HHH TONIGHT etc. Never seen this before, folks. What, a bikini contest? Oh, a Bench Press contest. Jesus. That's almost as bad. I AIN'T PROMISIN NOTHING

YOU GET THE DRUGS, THE DRUGS, THE MONKEY GENERATION

Hosts: J "HOSS BOSS" R and Jerry "NOT A RAPIST" Lawler

"WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS NIGHT": Dodge Stratus vs. No More Jackie Chan Jokes Left vs. Lincoln Crown Victoria

Victoria is punked out with a trash lid after tearing up a stupid small cardboard cutout of Trish Stratus. Trish goes nuts with a kendo stick, but Victoria boots her and scoop slams trish on the trash can lid. Moonsault! Misses and hits the lid. Aww. A bunch of stupid stuff, Richards eventually stops jobbing out to Trish long enough to get a lid shot on her and allow Victoria to get the win as JR proclaims how hideous this is or whatever. Face beetdown ensues. Heels come back... STEVIE T on Trish! Stevie holds Trish as Vic sets her up, BUTWAIT! It's the Jobber-no-longer-Cane! Haha. He chases the heels off and cradles Trish.

Backstage, the Dudleys verbally barrage Bischoff, then, beat up Morley when he complains. The Dudleys are carted off by security and then suspended. Pff.

Commercials: OMG TRISH STRATUS IS NOW IN THE GENERIC MAFIA GANG.

Some crap: Testonia Ruler + Eyebrows of Fury vs. HEEL-0 Brown and Hizzobbit Hair

Test does a generic Face beetdown on both heels. For quite a while. Then tags Maven in and they both have the face doubleteam. No offense from the heels yet. Maven scores a cover, 2. Nowinski finally gets a crucifix, and tags D-Lo, who gets a FACE chant. Vertical suplex on D-Lo, tag back to Nowinski. Cheapshottery by the heels. Slam and a cover gets 2 for Nowinski. Heel doubleteaming succeeds, as D-Lo talks teh trash. Heel0 goes for armstretches and other cheap submission moves. Test is tagged and goes face crazy with a tilty slam on D-Lo and... oh, he's getting all the offense. Test finally misses a clothesline and goes flying, as D-Lo argues with the ref. This allows Test to get the cheapshot from behind. kthx. The testes and the eyebrows celebrate.

Backstage, Bishcoff greets an anonymous limo.

Commercials: Haha, that sour starburst never fails to ruin relationships.

During the Break: Haha, it's Gene Oakerlund in the limo. Oakerlund disses Nitro, then Bisch calls Oak a "washed-up burned out announer." Hahhaah. Jericho walks up for a rant. He's signed up for a stupid match later in the night due to his desire to be entrant #1 in TEH RUMBAL. Also a shot of HHH's thrilling locker room door. ALSO, on GTV F-View, Regal bitches a lot about Lawler, and JR apologizes to Lawler. Hahahaha. CUE JERRY'S MUSIC, AS HE'S ABOUT TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE JOB TO HIM.

Commercials: Potsmokers followed by Jared from Subway. Does this guy have a job?

Kill Me: Regal vs. Illegal

Regal gets the mic. He says he's going to read from Lawler's book. He "takes it out of context," says JR as the crowd chants "USA," because nothing says America like statutory rape. The bell rings, but the refs want to search Regal. Chuck discovers TEH NUX, as the other ref search Storm and find MORE NUX. Adieu, Storm. Meanwhile, Lawler cheats by getting a chain and suckerpunches Regal with it. Hahahaahahha, Chuck saw it, though, so Lawler is Dairy Queened. But, Lawler, the infinite authority, declares himself the winner. Pff.

Commercials. I fucking hate you, Sega, for making Panzer Dragoon only for XBOX. I really fucking hate you. Get off my TV with your temptation. OFF.

Something of the night: Raven loses, Hurricane WINS on Heat. THANK YOU LAHD.

Here's Jeff Hardy "Looking to be the final RAW entrant in the rumble," sez JR. RAW is brought to you by Burger king. He's facing Raven (w/ new haircut)

Bell, PUT THOSE TIGHTS AWAY RAVEN. Go back to flanel and jeans. Slop to start. Jeff gets a sloppy dragon screw, then charges and both men leave the ring. Jeff is crotched on the post. Raven kicks the knee. Jeff gains a slight advantage, but misses a moonsault. Raven kicks the knee more. Raven with the spinning toe hold, just like that Terry Funk Ripoff dude on Kinnukuman. Jeff kicks him away and hits a weak clothesline, then the somehow legal crotch drop. Jeff tries to climb the buckle and dies from the leg, so Raven catapults him into the post. Raven effect is blocked... senton of doom... cover, 3. Well, Raven looked much less sloppy, but hey, what are you going to do, if you're me? Cry, obviously.

Backstage: Vince pulls up in a limo and Eric is there for the ass-kissing. Randy Orton walks up and claims to be 94%. Haha.

Commercials. Sean O'Haire advocates... something... beating off, homosexuality... fidelity? I can't figure it out. "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" is going to be my favorite movie for quite a while.

Enter Vince McMahon. Vince is waxing nostalgic about RAW. BUTWAIT the Dudley Boyz show up and complain about being suspended. Vince reinstates the Dudleyz, then challenges Regal and Storm to a tag title match against the Dudz. JR calls the match (at the Rumble) the "main event." Jesus. Vince talks a bit more, but gets Crotched (tunneled). Jericho's out now. Jericho wants that #1 Rumble spot for inexplicable reasons. Vince tells Jericho to shut up. McMahon sez that whomever wins the dumb gimmick match tonight gets any number except 1, as #1 is Shawn Michaels. Jericho leaves in a huff, I guess. Now Bischoff is out to complain about Vince undermining his authority. So Vince switches to Pirate Voice mode and chides him. Haha, then he SWERVES and says that Eric is doing a good job. Sort of. Not really. This is a stupid promo. Eric has 30 days to turn RAW around, or he's FAAAAHHHHHHREEEED.

Commercials: Watch Smackdown to see a dead bad actor. Why does the movie "Biker Boys" have RVD's new, bad entrance music?

Backstage, Bischoff finds out that if he FUCKS UP, his replacement is Shane McMahon, because GOD KNOWS THE WWE NEEDS MORE MCMAHONS.

CANUDIGITSUCKAAAA (w/Goldust) vs. Lanth Thtorm

Lawler complains about the Nux, and said that REGAL GOT CAUGHT OMG in re: to earlier in the night. So did you, assmason. Oh, I forgot about the match. Storm has control, but gets body dropped by T. Mule kick, armlock by Book. Storm gets control again and knees Booker in the back repeatedly. Headlock. Chops away. Whips, Booker is whipped right into the belt. Goldust does something, but the Dudleyz run out to make this one stupid. Dudley Death Drop on Storm is foiled by Regal. Dudz pose with the belts, because that's never happened before. Oh man, they have the weights set up for the BENCH PRESS MATCH later. Jesus.

Commercials bring nothing new to the table.

At Teh World, Brock Lesnar and Team Angle exist. BENJAMIN

OMG! THE HURRICANE (w/Dodge Stratus) vs. Stevie Richards.

SHIT, the last time I saw this match, Hurri busted out the VERTEBREAKER. Richards starts with punching. Goes for a suplex, no celebration, thus Hurricane reverses. Hurri covers, 2. Up top, flying neckbreaker. Trish tackles victoria on the outside, inside, Eye of the Hurricane! Cover... that's it? LAME. I demand a rematch, as much as I like to see Hurricane win. Madness ensues, which culminates in Victoria being booted out of the ring by Trish. Hurri and Trish celebrate.

Backstage, Steiner flexes, and JR says something like "Look at the peeps," but it sounded like he said "lookit the penis!"

Commercials. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Chuck Barris owns your face. Q: Who the hell is Nathan Jones?

Royal Rundown. Undertaker was gone? That's how much I care.

ZZZZZZZ: Bench Press Match: Big Poppa Pillz vs. Acronym.

GUY IN A HURRICANE SHIRT. Steiner gets the mic. Blah blah. ZZZZZZ Man, Coach has some hellacious Ghetto booty. Haha, commercial. That was the whole segment.

Commercials. Snore.

"Extreme Blast of the Night"?: POSEDOWN from last week.

TIME2PLAYTEHGAYME! HU HU HU HU. Where's Flair? Why the hell couldn't we go to a commercial DURING HHH's entrance? Q: Why is he in a suit for weight lifting? HHH has the mic. If he didn't care about posedowns and all that other bullshit, why did he make us sit through it? HE CARES NOT FOR ME. Okay, this degenerated into rambling like 30 seconds in. Examples, the game, the man, the title, etc. Steiner retorts most wittily, and walks to the ring, for the brawl. Haha, Steiner ripped off HHH's shirt, then took a shoe off and beat him with it. Now HHH is down to his underwear. Ewwwwwwwwwwww. HHH skulks off, as Steiner does Push-ups. Steiner: "Just like Sunday night, this belt is gonna be mine!" Hahaha, whatever, dude. Still to come: That stupid gimmick match.

Commercials. Uh.

OVAH ZEH TOPE: Biker Boyz (RVD) vs. Y2J vs. KAN vs. DAV

Lawler shows the "TV" awards from the RAW special tomorrow. Haha, they suck. BRING BACK THE SLAMMYS. Kane and Dave are locked up in the ropes as RVD and Jericho trade leglocky things. Kane's about to go out, but RVD kicks Jericho in the leg. RVD is about to toss Jericho out, but NO, IT'S AN EARLY MATCH SWERVE. This is unspeakably dull. Punching, kicking, toss-outs being teased. This is so sloppy and awful. What, Kane was eliminated? Oh. Dave gives Jericho a HUGE powerbomb. RVD with another sloppy kick which eliminates Batista, and then Jericho immediately chucks RVD. Jericho gets the mic and declares his victory. He picks #2, which is the cue for GAY MUSIC to play and HBK to come out and run roughshod over Jericho. Posedown. Pff.

Final Thoughts: Pff.