June 24, 2002, The Gund Arena, Cleveland, Ohio
Rebeaker: N-Web
My party, which consists of 4, arrives at the arena at about 7 PM, EDT. There is NOBODY there. They have to cover up the upper deck, and there's a section of seats that are covered in garbage bags, because no one's sitting there, either. Members of my party call it "Rockers Seating," in honor of the WNBA team that plays here and gets poor attendance. I'd say it's sad, but it's not.
My greatest joy: HU HU HU (HHH) will not be here.
They start the Heat graphics at 7:50, but it's a lie, as they play that Kid Rock music video. I marked out for DiBiase.
Dark Matches
Stevie Richards and Crash vs. The Island Boys(z) + Haku's music. The Island Boyz are really not that good. Stevie wins, but Crash loses because everyone hates him.
BJ Payne(?) and Steve Bradley(?) vs. Jason Sugarman(?) and "Above Average, But Still WCW, and Thus Must Spend 2 Years in OVW Purgatory" Mike Sanders(!) Sanders and Friends win via the mini-Doomsday Device.
At 8:09, Heat officially starts. Coachman gets a standing ovation, which I don't understand, which is more than poor D-Lo gets. The idiot crowd chants "Pittsburgh Sucks" at D-Lo, even though he's from CHICAGO. D-Lo looks at the fans like they're stupid, which of course, they are.
Heat Matches
Eddy vs. TAKE ON SPIKE. Eddy obviously wins.
Raven (w/Corner Pose) vs. Matt Screamy. I haven't seen Raven work this hard in a long time. I mark for every Corner Pose. This little kid who can't be any more than 6 keeps yelling "RAVEN SUCKS." Raven wins the match via miraculous HEEL TRIX.
A Johnny the Bull promo. He disses Ohio. Yay.
During the psuedo-commercial break, some weirdos in the crowd try to chant "Holiday Pizza." Weird, weird.
Jackie Chan's Who Am I is out to referee a match between Said Johnny 2X4 and Tommy Dreamer. Misty Dreamer spot! A "Where's my pizza clap clap clap-clap-clap" chant for Johnny fails, but I join a faint "E C DUB" chant. Tommy wins via DQ for some reason, probably really stupid. Jackie takes it out on Bull, because she hates Italians, I guess.
Sean O'Haire vs. JUSTUN TALENTED. Sean wins this.
Heat's over, so now they show a promo for that slutty Divas special. That AWFUL AWFUL Sheryl Crow song plays in the background, too.
They record the RAW crowd shots like 10 minutes early. Then they air a Dreamer Promo for some odd reason.
Lilian Garcia enters to really shity techno music. She gets mo' pop than poor D-Lo. Anthem singing. I start to sing "O Canada" after she's done, because the WWE is prejudiced against Canadians.
JR and Lawler enter. I boo both of them without mercy, and am delighted that they get less pop than Coachman did.
A whole buncha wrestlers enter. Raven is dressed all crazy. Everybody in the whole world chants "ARR VEE DEE." The lesbians in the opening movie for RAW get a "Lesbians!" chant. Vince McMahon enters, and Goldust's glitter is falling for some reason. After the promo, some old man walks by and says "X-PAC IS GONNA SPINAROONIE!" Said old man then stares at his hand more insanely than Booker T ever could.
RAW Matches
Brad Shaw + TAKE ON SPIKE vs. CHRIS FROM HARVARD and William Regal. Regal and Harvard win via HEEL TRIX. A bunch of stuff, some guy has a sign that says "Art Model is God."
It's a lie, because Goldust is God.
Eddy vs. Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Eddy wins after like 3 seconds, but takes the tablespot anyway. THEN, Crispin Wa comes out to put Buh in the Drozzler Crossface.
Raven vs. Tommy Dreamer in an Everyone But Me Hates ECW Match. Awful match, and Tommy wins, thus Raven is Shunned For Life. During the break, Matt Hardy ATTAXED Raven, which will lead to his loss to Raven on Sunday. I'M PSYCHIC.
During the Jeff Hardy/Undertaker match, some guy who hates Jeff and his girly fans yelled "I LOVE YOU NICK PATRICK!" After Jeff loses, he challenges Under Taker to a match. NOT JUST ANY MATCH! ME: "A HELL IN A KENNEL MATCH!"
Dodge Stratus + Linda From Tuffenuff vs. Molly and Jackie From Tuffenuff. Vivik, a member of my party of attendees yells for the girls to "KISS!" but I fear that it will summon the KISS Demon. The faces win, because they don't have big, cute, delightful behinds.
Booker T and GOlDust vs. X-Pac and WEEELLLL IT'S TEH BIG SHOE. The nWo win via massive heel trickery.
Maine Event: RVD vs. Brick Lester. This ends in DQ, because the crowd was too busy watching a fight amongst their ranks. Oh, and Paul E. got Frog Splashed.
RAW was awful.
The End.