December 3, 2001, Milwaukee, WI
Rebeaker: Sofa
Music.
Your overly dramatic opening promo is: Cut off by tape. "IN UR I" plays, and fireworks explode. RAW IS EXPLOSIVE!
Your host(s), even though The USA Today said about tonight's show: "With hosts Jim Ross and Paul Heyman" are Jerry "Obviously Booking This" Lawler and Jim "And Loving Every Minute of It" Ross.
Tonight: Some people are at WWF New York.
Opening Promo: "Crotch Tunnel" plays on the Confuastron, and Christ Jericho has AWESOME red-tipped hair. Just give me back his WCW muss, and we're in business, Christ. Jericho says that AT VENGEANCE SIX DAYS AWAY he will come out on top the undisputed WORLD CHAMPION. Jericho hates TEH PPL. SO HEEL. Jericho says that at Vengeance SIX DAYS AWAY he'll walk away with the respect he deserves, and as the WORLD CHAMPION. BUTWAIT, "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays, and Ric Flair slowly makes his way to the ring. They ramble for a bit at each other about what to call Christ Jericho formally. Flair is disturbed by Jericho's lack of respect for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Flair challenges Christ to a match against Steve Austin later in the night. NO TITLES on the line. To BE the man, blah blah.
Backstage, The Rock is here, tonight!
Litle Raver Girls want you to watch The Godfather.
Kane enters to "BOOM." It's a match against... Buh Buh Ray Dudley (w/ Stac(e)y and D-Von). Clubbering to start, as our beloved announcers waste no time in objectifying Stac(e)y. Charging clothesline on Buh Buh in the corner. Somewhere, Scott Levy (RAVEN) is crying. Horrible Back Body Drop to Buh Buh. BOOT. 2 count. Kane goes outside to harass Stac(e)y. Lawler: "WHOO-HOO!" Kane is distracted, and Buh Buh regains the advantage and gives a couple of elbowdrops to a prone Kane. Back up, Kane eats a clubbering. Reversals and whips. Sidewalk slam by Buh Buh. Buh Buh up top, as he attempts a TOGO SPLASH!!!! (YESSSS) but Kane rolls out of the way. Horrible scoop slam to Buh Buh. Kane up top, he hits his flying clothesline. Kane harrasses Stac(e)y again, but D-Von saves her, like the horrible human being he is. Buh Buh tries to whip Kane with the tag title belt, but Kane ducks and then hits a CHOAKSLAM on Buh Buh. 3 count. Kane wins, but D-Von runs in for the Post Match Tomfoolery. Kane eats a Dudley Death Drop, but TEH BIG SHOW runs in and runs amok. D-Von gets CHOAKSLAMMED.
Backstage, Vince is on the phone talking to the Undertaker. RVD NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON, sayeth Vince. Kurt walks in, and talks about last week's Smackdown(!). Kurt mentions the internet. OMG HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME. Speaking of being too smarky, check out Lance Storm's latest commentary at his site Stormwrestling.com. Lanth, I salute you. Kurt tells Vince to sit down, there's somefin' he's gotta hear.
Supar Smash Brothers commercial. If I enter that contest, and if I win, I'm so picking Funaki as the Suparstar to play the game with at WWF New York.
GOLDEN SUN COMMERCIAL.
LORD OF THE RINGS GOBLETS.
How I hate thee, Splashdown(!).
GOLDEN SUN COMMERCIAL!
"Super Smash of the Week" Brought to you by Crash Bandicoot is Scotty TWO Hotty getting killed on Smackdown(!). Speaking of which, here's THAT WACKY TEAM of Albert and Scotty. Oh, it's a singles match. "WACKY FLUTES" begins! Albert vs. Test! SMARKS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR YEARS! Scotty's on commentary, so's all yous g-funk-whack-dogs knows. BIG TIME whupping to start. Albert begins with an underhook belly-to-back suplex to Test. Nice. It gets a 2 count. BIG CLOTHESLINE to Albert. Whupping to Albert in the corner. CHARGING CLOTHELINE IN THE CORNER! Jesus, if Raven wasn't crying before, he is now. And Test does it again. Whupping continues. Generic Suplex to Albert. Test up top, but Albert runs up and powarslams him. Al ducks a clothesline, and starts a beating on Test. Leaping shoulderblock to Test. 2 count. GO-RILLA Press is Wimbledoned, but Scotty climbs the apron to distract Lil' Natch. Test kills him, but it costs him, as he eats a BOOT from Albert. 2 count. Al charges but eats elbow. Test covers... FEET ON THE ROPES OMG HEEL, but Chuck catches him and admonishes him. Test argues, but Albert gets THE ROLLUP for 2. Test clotheslines Al, and then goes outside for a chair. MEAN STREAK! Scotty nabs the chair and the hits Test with it. Back in, Baldo Or Whatever Bomb, 3 count, Albert wins.
Backstage, Dodge Stratus skulks around backstage, and Crash (who?) wishes her luck in her match at the Paper View. Dodge asks where The Rock is hiding. OH THE SUSPENSE.
"Slam of the Week" Presented by XBOX is Rob Van Dayom being powarbombed by the Undertaker on Smackdown(!).
Backstage, Todd Cole interviews Robert Van Damn. Cole: "You're the hardcore champion! That is so cool!" Rob: "So am I." Like no... Way! Mike asks about Undertaker hating him. Rob just nods a lot, then is about to explain when BUTWAIT, CHRISTIAAAAN walks up and yammers. He also mentions that Rob comes in every day on his "high horse." Make your own associations. Chris says that Rob should show Vince more respect. Rob challenges Christian to a hardcore title match later. Rob: "OH! You know what'd be great? You could put that Eurotrash title on the line, too." Chris accuses Rob of knowing nothing about Europe. "What's the capital of Belgium?" Rob: "Waffle." This rules. Christian doesn't know, but Rob was just kidding. Thumbs, chant, we're out!
Backstage, Dodge Stratus enters The Rock's dressing room and then doesn't speak up enough. She's thanking him for saving her on Smackdown(!). By kissing him on the cheek. The Rock then sucks her face in. Okay, that was creepy.
H3 IS ON MAD TV SATURDAY OMG GLASS CEILING.
"Tribal Drums" bring out The Hardy Boyz (w/Lita). Flashback to Lita being knocked around on Smackdown(!). And the resulting Matt vs. Jeff feud. The Hardyz are facing Yoshihiro Tajiri and I H8 SPIEK. Spike and Jeff to start. Headlock, a few takeovers. Jeff gets an early 2 count. Tag to Tajiri. Tiejiri KICKS Matt through the ropes, but Jeff clobbers him. Tag to Matt. Matt scoop slams, then legdrops Tajiri. 2 count. Doubleteam on Tajiri. 2 count. Charge, Tarantula. Whip, handspring elbow. Tags are made. Matt clubbers Spike. They charge the apron, Jeff falls to the floor. Spike gets THE ROLLUP, THE ROLLUP, but it's only for 2. Spike gets clotheslined, but Jeff runs into jaw with Matt. Jeff eats a KICK from Tajiri, and Spike gets THE ROLLUP, THE ROLLUP for 2, AGAIN. Spike tries the Acid Drop, but Matt squirrels out of it. Spike is slammed, Matt goes up, UHHH LEGDROP, Jeff tags himself in, SENTON. 3 count. The Hardyz argue. Cut to...
Backstage, "Exploding" Steven Regal walks around backstage, and into THA APA's office. They yell at him for a while. Regal calls them "Bloody Thugs." Brad Shaw challenges him to match. Faarrooqq: "DAMN."
UPNEXT, Steve Austin vs. Christ Jericho.
Backstage, the Hardyz argue further. Lita gets pushed down. Lita's not taking sides. Matt wants proof, so she'll be the ref for the Hardy vs. Hardy match at Vengeance SIX DAYS AWAY.
SEMI-MAIN EVENT: Christ "Awesome Hair" Jericho vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Clubbering to start. Jericho is beat up and down for a while. Jericho dives outside. They brawl into the crowd. Back into the ring area, Jericho hits the stairs, is chopped a bit, then is rolled into the ring. Jericho gets the momentum, and gives Austin a whupping, but Austin turns him around and does the same. Jericho is choaked in the ropes. Stunnah is teased, Jericho teases one of his own. Austin teases the Liontamer, and gets it hooked. Jericho reaches the ropes. Jericho is bashed into the corner. Austin gives up, and Jericho dropkicks his head. Suplex to Austin. Austin gets stomped in the corner. Austin tackles Jericho and gives him the crazypunches. Jericho throws Austin into the turnbuckle. Back to the outside, Austin keeps hitting the corner post. Austin puts a quick whupping to Jericho, but Jericho hits Auntin's head on the stairs. And then the post. Austin is rolled into the ring. Jericho up top, axehandle punch is blocked by a punch to the gut. Austin clubbers Jericho, clotheslines him. Thesz press, crazypunches, but the Spastic Elbowdrop is WIMBLEDONED to the Liontamer. Austin hits the rope. Jericho is reluctant to break the hold. Jericho tries again, but Austin fights him off. Bulldog, Lionsault is missed, but Jericho lands on his feet. STUNNAH, 3 count. Steve gets the beers.
Outside, Booker T-1000 uses his mechanical skills to hotwire Steve's truck. RACISM! THE NEW TNN! VENGEANCE! SIX DAYS AWAY!
Moments ago, what just happened. Oh, good gods... Lawler: "*squeal!* HAHA, Can you imagine Booker T knowing how to hotwire a truck?!"
Outside, Steve Austin has commandeered another vehicle to give chase, even though Booker's probably miles away by now.
Opening Promo, Vince is out with Kurt Angle. Kurt gets the mic first and starts yelling at The Rock. Haha, Kurt calls what happened on Smackdown(!) a "Travesty". Big words in wrestling own. Flashback to last Smackdown(!). Kurt continues with his generic rundown of why he's gonna beat The Rock and win at Vengeance SIX DAYS AWAY. Kurt then demands an apology from The Rock for what happened on Smackdown(!). BUTWAIT, The Rock enters. The Rock demands that Vince and Kurt kiss HIS ass. The verbal assault in this promo is brutal. They go on and on, and The Rock eventually calls Vince a "sick freak." Vince challenges the Rock to a match against himself and Kurt Angle. The Rock's tag team partner will be Dodge Stratus. If The Rock loses, I guess he's forced to kiss Vince's ass on Smackdown(!) somehow. BUTWAIT, "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays, and Ric Flair enters. Ric says if Vince and Kurt lose, Vince has to kiss The Rock's ass on Smackdown(!), and if Vince refuses, Kurt loses his WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP shot. Enough of that, it's commercial time.
"NOTWALK" plays, as Rob Van Dayom makes his way to the ring. If you'll recall, he's facing CHRISTIIIAAAAN for the Hardcore and not the Eurobean title. Whupping to start. Christian is thrown outside, and RVD tries a moonsault from the apron, Christian ducks out, and Rob lands on his feet. Rob sets Christian on the barrier, and hits the twisting legdrop. Cover, 2 count. Christian is tossed back in, Rob's Crazy Flippy Turnbuckle Thing that Never Works doesn't work. Christian hits a weird neckbreaker. Stomps to Rob. Rob is choked in the ropes. Rob is whipped, and powarslammed for a 2 count. Christian chokes Rob. Christian goes outside for a chair. Back in, Christian sets the chair in the turnbuckle and tries to whip Rob. Rob escapes, so does Christian. Rob gets a spin kick, they trade blows, Rob gets a KICK in. Rob runs to the chair, gets it, and does the dropkick on it to Christian in the corner. Cover, 2 count. Christian gets the chair, but Rob gets a legsweep in. Chair on Christian, Rob tries Rolling Thundah, but Chris uses the chair against him. Christian gets another chair, and sets up Rob for the Conchairto. Rob squirrels out, and hits the Van Daminator. Up top, FIVE. STAR. FROG. SPLASH. 3 count, Rob retains the Hardcore championship.
PLZ DIE, "SPLASHDOWN(!)"
"RPG Villain Music" brings out "Exploding" Steve Regal. Flashback to Regal's tomfoolery with Edge on Smackdown(!). Hype for Regal vs. Edge at VENGEANCE SIX DAYS AWAY for the Intercontinental Title. Here's Brad Shaw for the previously booked match. The usual to start. Fallaway slam on Regal, then more whuppings. Regal uses the Brass Kuckles in a suckerpunch, and takes Brad out for the 3. Short and brawly. BUTWAIT, Tazzzzzzz appears on the Confusatron from WWF NEW YORK. It's just a plot device, since Edge was supposed to be there. Tazzzzz has nothing to do with this at all, as Edge runs out and give Regal TEH SPEER and TEH BEETDOWN. The Ref Brigade pulls Edge away.
STEVE AUSTIN's CREED'S MY SACRIFICE.
Backstage, Kurt and Vince laugh it up.
And that's your segment, as we're back to commercials.
The official theme song of Vengeance SIX DAYS AWAY is "Sinner" by Drowning Pool. I already miss TEH BODIEZ.
Look, it's late, I'm tired, the rebeak is late enough as it is, so I'm just gonna fast forward to the end of this match. It's not as though RAW main events are ever any good anyway.
I SAW A REF BUMP. Vince tries to leave, but Steve Austin ambushes him, and gives him a whupping. Rock Bottom to Angle, and The Rock wins this one. ASS-KISSING AHOY FOR SMACKDOWN(!) VENGEANCE IS SIX DAYS AWAY! Star Trek is on.
Final Thought: Boring, but not disgusting. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT.