August 5, 2002, Baltimore is a nice town.
Rebeaker: N-Web
Star Trek: Bugs!
Music. Good god, Bischoff is creepy. For a minute I thought that was a picture of some really old wrestler I would know if I was SMARK ENOUGH who had died in the past week. But no, it was Bischoff.
Overly Dramatic Opening Movie: Some guy named "HHH" or something's shenanigans, plus OMG WHO HIT HBK!? And all the suspects are lined up right here for those of us with little sense of observation, like a flashback of how James Garner figured it out in The Rockford Files or whichever detective show used to do that. Mathnet, more likely.
Broadcasting out of a closet: Jerry "I hear the Japanese have good perversions" Lawler and J "Japan is no place for a Sooner" R.
Opening Promo: Some guy named "Chris Jericho"! I've missed his flashy ass being on RAW. Welcome to "Monday Night Jericho," as RAW has suddenly become Nitro. Jericho talks about how Bischoff wanted a superstar on RAW, not a loser. Jericho's goatee is approaching a 9.5 on whatever scale you'd use to measure that sort of thing. Jericho starts to diss Ric Flair, BUTWAIT! TIME2PLAYTEHGAYME!!!!1 It's that mysterious "HHH" fellow I've heard so much about during my abscence! JR says something about this being RAW episode number 480, as if I'd care about that sort of thing. Weird. Standard HHH promo, which then segues into a completely off topic WHO HIT HBK riff. H mentions Jericho jobbing to him about 50 billion times in the past, and then Accuses Jericho, which is a mistake, since HHH should Accuse His Parents. ZING! HHH resorts back to his old standby of making fun of peoples' genetalia. That's it. Exeunt HHH. Back to Jericho, BUTWAIT! Enter Robert Van Dayom, which I just realized is frighteningly close to "Robert Van Winkle." RVD is out to welcome Jericho to RAW. Rob insinuates that JERICHO smokes pot, then suggests Jericho and himself have one of those "match" things later. A retarded argument, and then a fight ensues. Jericho wins, then leaves. The end.
HEY! Was that Bruce Campbell in that promo for that Matthew Perry movie?
JR describes the Table Match as "one of the most dangerous ever booked." WELL IT'S TEH BIG SHOE vs. Buh Buh Ray Dud Ley. Punching. Clotheslines. Sidewalk slam. Punching. Balding. Shoulderblocks. Another sidewalk slam. Shoe gets a table. Shoe misses the tableshot, Buh gets a new table. Fatty Suplex. Shoe sets up the table, and is about to Choakslam when Dodge Stratus comes and slaps Big Shoe, then Lil' Tool Dudley comes and goars him while wearing a Baltimore Ravens helmet. This all somehow allows Buh Buh to win. Shoe screams like a Wookiee in response to the loss.
Flashback to Team Canada ATTAXing the Under Taker last week. Backstage,"Dirty" Terri interviews Lanth Storn. Storm speaks some truths, when Sargent Slaughter is here to grumble vague AMERICAN threats at Team Canada.
Burger King: GREAT place for first dates! Thank you for your as always SAGE wisdom, BK! So THAT'S why my dates never go great, because I never go to BK! It ALL makes sense now. Grumble grumble.
Backstage, Tommy Dreamer tapes a wrist, then is accosted by Brad Shaw. Brad beats Tommy up and down with a kendo stick, as this is now a Hardcore match. Tommy takes a mean bump, but is up at 2. Cowbell shot. Steve Corino is stepping out to buy a bottle of Night Train to cry into this very minute. Tommy with some trash lid shots. Neckbreakers. 2 count. Brad with a top rope fallaway slam. Ouch. Suplex, powarbomb. Dreamer gets up and hits a Kendo shot for 2. Tommy hits a DDT on the steps. V is for Victory.
Backstage, Regal and CHRIS FROM HARVARD walk and complain. Molly introduces them to "Victoria," whom Chris asks questions about Molly to. And then promptly infuriates me.
HEY, Cute Skittles Girl is back! Things are finally going my way.
Backstage, Booker T listens to Goldust rightfully complain about Austin Powers. Goldust then loses nearly ALL respect I had for him by introducing "Mini-Dust." Booker, ever a trooper, walks out in a huff, but right into the accusing eyes of Detective H. H threatens T with the Sledgehammer. (Musical Sting Copyright Peter Gabriel)
Backstage, Bischoff says some shit about a movie. but Fink interrupts and asks to challenge Lilian Garcia to be the RAW announcer again. Fink then hands Eric a letter- from Steph, AS OMG SHE HAS TO BE ON TV SOMEHOW!
Backstage, Slaughter meanders, possibly towards the ring, but who's to say?
CANADA IS EVIL match. Test attacks after TWO RVD-length entrances. Sarge gets clubbered, and Test celebrates as we cut to commercial.
WWE Rewind, Goldust Bumblefucking his way to a victory over Regal on Heat.
CANUDIGITSUCKAAAA?! BT&G enter, as JR and Lawler babble incessantly. Here's Regal and Chris From Harvard. Madness to start. Booker clubbers Regal, then tags Gold. Butt Splash from Gold. Tag to Booker, tag to Gold. Punching. Chris with a suplex. Nice. Regal in, armdrags. Chris comes in. Gold w/ a sunset flip for 2. Regal in, some armwork. Tag to Chris. More armwork. Cool. Underhook slam, Booker interrupts. Regal gets the tag, wristlock, tags to Chris. Goldust starts to FEEL IT, and gets offense. He tags Booker, who Chops A Plenty. Big kick. Regal is tagged in. NOT! BLIND TAG! OLD SKOOL! Madness again. Axe Kick, 3, Booker and Gold pick up that win they found on the floor. JR calls it "Terry Haute, IN." SUPIN RUUNII!
Backstage, HHH walks in to threaten Team Canada. Thrilling. H then Sledgehammers the Buffet Table exceedingly weakly in order to emphasize his ever so vague threats, to which JR acts as though he's witnessing a feat of immense and impressive strength.
At Some Bar in NYC, nothing.
Backstage: RVD stretches, Y2J flexes, JR hypes.
The Womens: Dodge Stratus vs. "Victoria." Molly is out for demeaning commentary. Wristlocks. Lawler demeans Molly a lot, whilst a decent match occurs unbeknownst. All of a sudden, Victoria fakes a leg injury, which allows her to ATTAX the unsuspecting Trish. Trish lands a weak rollup for 2. Molly is humiliated, some punching. Victoria misses with the ass splash. A Dodge rollup gets 2, Victoria reverses and graps the ropes for the win. Molly comes down to assist the Heel Beatdown, which fails.
Backstage, The Saga of HHH, Private Eye, continues, as he questions WELL IT'S TEH BIG SHOE. Ugh.
Ah, Cute Skittles Girl, take me away from all this... Tonight is a good night... BUTWAIT!, TWO SKITTLES COMMERCIALS IN THE SAME BLOCK?! And this one has SHAMMED me by not having Cute Skittles Girl, and instead starring Not All That Cute At All Skittles Girl! I rescind any previous comments about this being a good night. Harumph.
"Screams" intro Jeff Hardy and That Other Guy Who Accompanies Him Sometimes And Is Usually Relegated To Heat, Where He Doesn't Even Main Event. vs. Team Canada. Christian Punches That Other Guy to start. He tags Jeff. Face Doubleteam Like Only The Hardyz Can Do/Get Away With. Jeff hits the Somehow Legal Nutshot. Heel doubleteam allows Chris to take the advantage. Gutbuster, tag to Lanth. Lance dominates until Jeff hits a Vague Twisty Move from the top. Tag to That Other Guy. Air Sabu! UHH TWIST OF- is broken up, as JR chides Christian and Storm for "breaking the rules," whilst ignoring every time the Hardyz do that. Madness ensues, Jeff hits Lanth with the Senton, but Christian pulls out the ref at 2. Team Canada is Dairy Queened, Test runs out, and so does Under Taker. Scalded Dog. Team Canada drives out, but Under steals a police motorcycle to give chase.
Hey, after seeing the preview for the SEVENTH time, I can confidently say that that (!) IS Bruce Campbell in that Matthew Perry movie.
Eric Bischoff is out. To settle the ring announcer issue that I forgot all about. Of course, all that's bullshit, as this is just an excuse to show a preview for "XXX". Fink gets booed by the philistine fans, because he's not a slut. This degenerates into pitiful bickering. Eric calls in the Island Boys(z), who beat up Lilian as Fink flees. Kickass. JR asks, "HOW IS THIS ENTERTAINING?!" It'd be even more entertaining if it was you up there getting fake wrestling moves performed on you, Jimmy.
And We're Back, as paramedics haul Lilian away.
Maine Event: Christ Jericho vs. Rob Van Dayom. Punching starts us, as JR tells those godless, un-American infidels up in Canada that the WWE appears to them on TSN. Some good wrestling, and then JR immediately then starts to actually bash Canada because of Team Canada's (understandable) actions. Jericho gets some great snap suplexes. Rope choke. Jericho start to take apart the turnbuckle, but RVD gets a rollup for 2. RVD misses a dropkick, the Lionsault is blocked. Kicks. ROFLING THUNDAR! Big kick from Jericho gets 2. Chops-A-Plenty. Shoulderblock, Rob's Flippy Turnbuckle Thing is countered to the Liontamer, which is WIMBLEDONED (almost forgot) to a rollup for 2. Refbump. Jericho gets a chair, avoids a Van Dayominator, and succeeds with chairshots. BUTWAIT! Ric Flair runs in and hits Jericho with a chair. RVD gets a Five. Star. and wins. Flair struts.
Backstage, Eric gabs on a phone. He promises an Upcoming Opening Promo.
Opening Promo: Eric starts to talk, but is immediately BUTWAIT interrupted by HHH. Eric complains about the detective work. Eric has a satellite feed to HBK's house in Texas. So, they (HHH and HBK) converse. In short, small talk. HBK doesn't know who did it. SELF-INFLICTED! Or not. HBK has surveilance footage. Grainy, blurry footage. Nothing happens. The "enhancement" reveals it was HHH ALL ALONG, AUSTIN! HHH immediately lapses into heel mode, which means all he does is speak slightly slower and in a slightly deeper voice. The promo is nearly exactly the same as one of his face promos. Kind of like Yu-Gi-Oh, I guess. Blah, long story short, HBK vs. HHH at Summer Slamming. We're out, as SLAMBALL or whatever is on.
FINAL THOUGHT: I miss Japan. I want to go back right now. Swoon.