October 22, 2001 : Kansas City, Missouri
Rebeaker: Sofa
No promo, even though I set the tape to start at 8:59. Some people are at WWF New York, I guess.
Your hosts are Jim "GIMME DA SAUCE" Ross and Paul "A shell of a man" Heyman.
OPENING PROMO: Vince and Linda are your particpants for this evening. Vince calls the WWF "the greatest sports entertainment empire ever created". And I hear more boos than cheers. Awesome.
Vince grabs to kiss Linda, BUT THANKFULLY, Shane and Steph interrupt, and break the McMahon Causality Law. Vince says he's had everything he's ever wanted, but he's not gonna give that back. Vince is tired of the Alliance, and says at Survivor Series, the angle, storyline, and the respective histories and legacies of the fine organizations of WCW and ECW will be killed once and for all. Oh, like you don't know what the outcome will be. They book a bunch of matches, and a bunch of other nonsense. Shane almost goes after Vince, but Steveilliam Regal stops him. Linda then calls Shane a "wuss". That's definitley the Stacker 2 Burn of the Night.
Skittles commercial. I love Skittles Girl on the Carousel.
Yours, but not my first match, Lita and Trish vs. Ivory and Molly. Fun times ahead. Terrible monkey tosses by Lita, and I don't want to call this match. A bunch of horrible spots, tag to Lita, and she sells nothing. Air Sabu is blocked, UHHHH TWIST OF FATE, and moonsault, and a beautiful squash to start our show. I love the WWF.
Backstage, Vince talks to ARR VEE DEE. Vince asks Rob to JOIN THE WWF, and Rob says he doesn't know. Uncomfortable silence. Vince says he's either with the WWF or against it. Wow, just like real life. Rob says he is happy just being ARR VEE DEE, and Vince then gets pissed and challenges Rob to wrestle the Big Shoe for the DUNNUNNUN HARDCORE title. Wow, just like real life.
"X-Box Slam of the Week" is Edge giving the Conchairto to Christian.
Backstage, Matt Hardy wears a Spider-Man shirt. Look for him to join the Hurricane in a superhero gimmick soon. Matt knocks on a door. And almost sees Trish nekkid. Hey, it'll be a PERVERT Superhero gimmick.
Backstage, Steveilliam Regal has to make room for Mick Foley, who is moving into his apartment, they then book some matches, and agree on bathroom privelages.
Backstage, Angle congratulates Edge on his match last night. Kurt said that he hated Christian even when they all hung out. BLAHBLAHBLAH, GORE!GORE!GORE! Willing to bet that's the best spot all night. I had to rewind that twice I loved it so much.
Moments ago, we see it again! YES!
Backstage, Foley challenges Regal to a Ryno vs. Angle match for the US Title later.
STEREOTYPICAL JAP MUSIC brings out Tiejiri and Tori(e). Best non-Booker T WCW music brings out Kidman. This is for the WCW Cruiserweight title.
Lockup to start. Armlock. Suplex is WIMBLEDONED to a monkey toss. Stuff, WHIPS, and a KICK. Outside, then back in. Tiejiri's moonsault misses, and he gets dropkicked. Sleeper on Tiejiri. Tiejiri ties for a japcanrana, but it gets WIMBLEDONED to a powerbomb. Stomp. Scoopslam. JR: "So what if he (Big Shoe) weighs 500 pounds? What do you want me to do, send him to Weight Watchers?" Paul (my hero): "Why don't you? I read the Ross Reports!" Paul E. is a hero, folks. Acknowledge this fact. Apron legrdrop, cover, 2. Tiejiri slaps Kidman on the upswing, gets thrown in the corner. Chop. TEXTBOOK suplex. Whuppins. WHIP. KICK! Shut up, JR. Chop. WHIP, KICK, KICK! Cover, 2. Whip, WIMBLEDONED to a sommersault funny elbow. DDT on Tiejiri, cover, 2. Suplex is WIMBLEDONED to a cradle, 2. Scoop slam on Kidman. 2 count. WHIP. Kidman only kicks Tajiri, WHIP, Tarantula. Tiejiri screams something, and goes for the KICK, but Kidman ducks and powerbombs/almost tigerbombs Tiejiri. 2 count. Suplex is WIMBLEDONED, KICK, KICK! 3 count, and Tiejiri is your new Cruiserweight champ.
Paul then becomes really sarcastic about Torri(e)'s happiness. Paul keeps getting more heroic as the evening passes.
Commercial for WrestleMania Ten-Eight in Toronto, A FOREIGN LAND.
IT'S DDP! Pose, smile! And he's got a Garth Brooks Style Microphone. DDP calls the crowd a bunch of losers. HUGE multiperson "I LIKE ME" sign. All the superstars need to know that losing is A GOOD THING! Tell that to Jerry Lynn. DDP is interrupted by Kane, and keeps on smiling. Pose, "IT'S KANE!" Kane's interrupting was A GOOD THING! He's a perfect example of DDP's message tonight! Last night, he lost, and he's always been a loser. Kane's disfigured, and THAT'S A GOOD THING! Halloween is coming! Kane already has a mask! It's a good thing! Chokeslam. That's a bad thing.
Earlier Tonight, Ryno GORES! Edge. Ryno is out to face Angle. Match start. Lockup. Lockup. Front suplex on Ryno. Armlock by Ryno, WIMBLEDONED to a Deutches Suplexen. Rolling is blocked, Clothesline on Angle. Whuppin on Anlge. WHIP, REVERSAL. Suplex on Ryno. Some more whuppins. Chops a plenty on Ryno. WHIP. Crossbody on Ryno. 2 count. Chops a plenty on Ryno again. Airplane spin on Angle. Cover, one count. Ryno puts a whuppin on Angle. Angle is tied up, and is GORED! into the turnbuckle. The power of America allows Angle to Wimbledon the advantage, but Ryno SPINEBUSTS him. Cover, 2 count. Angle in the corner, and Ryno stomps him for a mite. Ryno works the neck more. Whuppin on Ryno, and he's tossed outside. Chops a plenty on Ryno. Back in, a whuppin on Angle. Sloppy neckbreaker, but no UHHHHHH. 2 count. Paul: "Rhyno used to gore people on the streets of Detroit!" Sleeper on Angle. I think Angle just stuck his tongue out. Angle fights back, but Ryno throws him down. Anklelock, but Ryno reaches the ropes. Sleeper again. The Power of Canada revives Angle, and WHIP, REVERSE. Suplex lockup, and Ryno suplexes Angle. Whuppin on Angle. Whuppin on Ryno. Crossbody on Ryno. Suplex. Suplex. Suplex. Suplex. Whip on Angle, and CLOTHESLINE. Whuppin on Angle. Olymic slam, but Angle's asleep. Cover, 2 count. Angle goes up for the ArmBreaking Moonsault, which of course misses. Ryno sets him up for TEH GOAR Paul: "CAN YOU FEEL IT?" GOREGOREGORE!, and they both fall outside. Back in, Ryno covers for 2. Whuppin on Angle. WHIP, REVERSAL, and Anklelock. Ryno taps. I hate the WWF more than anything right now. Paul: "Why do you have to rub everything in?"
Brad Shaw is out to face SugarCane Helms. Why did Hurricane and Molly pose like the Impact Players? IT IS AN OMEN. Posing to start. I'm not even going to bother with this one, folks. I love Molly and Hurricane, but they get treated like crap. Superkick on Brad. Molly gets slammed harshly, AND IT'S GREAT! VIOLENCE ON WOMEN IS BEAUTIFUL! THANK YOU, WWF! THE NEW TNN! Clothesline From Hell, TX, and you have a new Eurobean Champion. What a wonderful night to be a wrestling fan.
Backstage, Foley is playing Connect Four, and subtly advertising Mr. Goodbars. Regal is unimpressed.
UnderKaner comes out, and Earlier Tonight, DDP was chokeslammed. CANUDIGITSUCKAAAA? Booka T and Test come out, and I guess this is a match. Lockup. Whuppins. Booker gets hit for no apparent reason. Boot on Taker, clothesline. Tag to Booker. Booker tries his best to get offense, but Taker tries his best to make him look horrible. Tag to Kane. Whupping on Booka, legdrop misses. WHIPS. Kick to Kane. Tag to Test, Whuppings ensue. Tag to Booka. Whuppin on the Brother who Sells. WIMBLEDON, slam. Tag to Undertaker. Test goes flying, Booker sells everything, Test back up, and BLIND TAG OMG HEEL! KICK to Taker. Cover, Kane interrupts. Taker thrown outside to sleep a bit. Oh, Booker whups on him for a while, and he goes back in. Doubleteam. Tag to Booker. WHIP, shoulderblock, cover, 2 count. Tag to Test. Whuppin on Taker. JR: "You don't see that too often." Tag to Booker. Kick. Axe kick is dodged, kick is WIMBLEDONED to a slam. Everyone falls asleep. They both make tags, but Kane whups on Test. WHIPS, clothesline. Sidewalk slam on Test, then a kick for Test. And one for Booker. Booker interrupts the chokeslam, and he and Taker go to play outside. Chokeslam on Booker. One for Test, but it is WIMBLEDONED. Pumphandle slam, but Taker says no, and Test gets tombstoned. 3 count. Kill me.
Backstage, ARR VEE DEE is walking, and runs into Big Shoe. Shoe mumbles something unintelligable, and RVD says "Cool."
"NOTWALK" plays, and ARR BEE DEE is out. Facing the Pig Shoe. RVD gets tossed around for a while. Chop on Rob. Some more whuppin on Robbie. Strap is off, and Big Show has lost it, I guess. Chokeslam is WIMBLEDONED to a kick to the head. RVD is thrown, and bounces off the apron. Shoe screams a lot. Chop on Rob. Rob jumps off the apron and sidekicks Shoe. Legdrop onto Shoe, who's on the rail, after Rob barely catches himself from falling off. Rob goes under the ring for goodies, and gets a garbage can and a fire extinguisher, and A CHAIR! Pose, but he takes a whuppin from Shoe, who has awoken. Rob gets thrown. And again, into the ring. Rob hits Shoe with the trash can, and he no sells, and then Rob picks up the chair but gets PIGSHOWINATORED! Shoe picks up the chair, but Rob sprays him with the extinguisher then Van Daminators him. Up top, and FIVESTAR FROGSPLASH. Cover, 3 count. Rob wins. Thank Paul for small miracles.
Backstage, Shane and Steph practice posing like RVD. Steph can't get it right.
Last week on Smackdown(!) Maven beat Taz, by sheer force of eyebrow. Maven is at WWF New York, too. Maven says he's going to go to OHH VEE DUB, and TAZ runs out of nowhere and KATEHAJIMES the HELL out of him! YES!
Backstage, Foley challenges Regal to Taz vs. Al Snow on Smackdown(!). Foley then runs down how much the Alliance sucks.
Backstage, The Rock comes by to congratulate The Jericho for beating him at No Mercy. And says there will be a rematch. The Rock then runs down their match later with The Dudley Boyz. The Jericho gives the Rock the old 'The Rock' nameplate from the WCW title belt. The Rock then gives The Jericho a chair, even though The Jericho arguably had that match won before Steph interfered. From a mark perspective, OFF COURSE.
The Dudz are out, w/(Stac(e)y).
Rock and Jericho come out for their tag title shot. Jericho and D-Von to start. Whuppin on Jericho to begin with. JR then runs down the impending death of wrestling in America at Survivor Series. Tags to The Rock and Buh Buh. Buh Buh gives The Rock Chops a Plenty, and sidewalks slams The Rock. Whuppin on The Rock, but The Rock Samoan Drops him. Tag to Jericho, and they doubleteam Buh Buh. Whippin on Jericho. Tag to D-Von. JR then bitches about WCW not giving Jericho a title shot. Whuppin on the Dudleyz. Jericho eats the Dudleyville Device, I guess. Buh Buh neckbreakers Jericho. And suplexes him. Tag to D-Von. Sleeper on Jericho. The Power of Canada revives Jericho, but D-Von whups him for a bit. Tag to Buh Buh, and he takes a BIG TIME whuppin to Jericho. Tag to D-Von, whuppin, tag to Buh Buh, subsequent whuppin. Jericho WIMBLEDONS the advantage, and tags The Rock, who goes crazy on the Dudz. Buh Buh interrupts the People's Elbow, but it gets landed anyway. Buh Buh interrupts the count. Jericho then goes after Buh Buh. Jericho goes up, but dropkicks The Rock. D-Von gets Rock Bottomed, and cover, and 3. Your new WWF tag champs are The Rock and The Jericho. JR then accuses Paul of having no professionalism. Haha. Hypocricy rocks. CAN JERICHO AND THE ROCK COEXIST? FIND OUT ON SMACKDOWN(!)
Final Thoughts: Seeing as how the WWF writes its programming specifically to spite me, and only me, and seeing as how I don't think I'll be seeing any Japanese or Mexican promotions on American television anytime soon, I hate myself. Oh, and the WWF.