May 27, 2002, Edmonton, A FOREIGN LAND
Rebeaker: Sofa
Music.
No overly dramatic opening promo this week. "SOME SONG" plays, and THE RAWS IS ON!
HEY! LISTEN! Your host(s) are Jerry "Enemy of all that is good and pure" Lawler and J "GAGHHALLGAHHEUUUUGH" R.
2NITE, RVD vs. Eddy Guererro in a ladder match for the Intercontinental Championship.
Opening Promo: OHNO, it's Crispin Wa. I miss Rhyno and Kanyon. Doesn't the WWE care about ME? I'm obviously not SMARK ENOUGH! OHNO, The Cubs just put Cruz in. Ugh. Benoit cuts his promo after minutes of stalling. Best Damn Technical, blah blah. Thankfully for me and for Christ Benoit, Eddy Guererro BUTWAIT interrupts this promo. Eddy: "I missed you, holmes." Eddy accuses Crispin of being jealous. Edyy says he was the most talented Radical. You can hear Dean Malenko spinning in his grave of early retirement. More prattle about being jealous. Eddy brags about clobbering Austin last week. A Star Trek Fight Scene almost ensues, BUTWAIT, here's Ric Flair just when I thought this promo had mercifully ended. Such is not the case, as Ric is pissed with Benoit for starting a fight. Flair decress that Austin won't be here tonight, although JR vehemenently proclaims otherwise. Ric demands Christ leave, who then immediately pushes Eddy to the mat. A "WA-BEN! WA-BEN!" chant ensues. Here's security to escort Christ Benoit away.
B-CUZ U GOT HIGH, (and got caught) you're stuck in a chair watching Spongebob Squarepants instead of acting like some kind of water-throwing marmoset.
During the Break, Benoit was escorted out EVEN FURTHER THAN BEFORE!
Another Crazy Mixed Tag: Chrysler Cirrus + IH8SPIEK vs. Biliam Regal, who's Backstage, with MOLLY (also in this match.) Molly complains about Lil' Spike PERVERT. Stupid Cubs. Regal gets dropkicked a lot to start things off. Early cover from Spike gets 2. Spike continues with DEVASTATING schoolboys, which as you might guess, get only 2. Tags, after stalling-a-plenty, Dodge Stratus gets a clothesline. Chops. Regal cheats. Molly covers, but Dodge kicks out. Molly choaks Trish on the ropes. Hairpull Violence. Trish lands a miracle backslide, and picks up the 3 count. However, Regal tosses Molly TEH NUX, as she proceeds to brain Trish in the back of her massive noggin. Stupid, stupid Cubs. Sigh.
Nicholas Cage portrays the same character he plays in every movie in the new upcoming War drama, JAPSRBAD.
Short Term Memory Replay of the Trish segment.
Backstage, Terri talks to some guy who claims to be Steven Richards. Up walks Agent Tag, who kicks him in the shins and covers him. A cavalcade of jobbers come and pull JACKIEE off and attempt to cover Richards themselves. Terri takes it upon herself to humiliate Richards this week, so she covers him for three, as he immediately rolls her back up to regain the Hardcore Title. Lawler's squeals reached supersonic levels during that one. Only dogs in the vicinity of the televisions across the world could hear his perverted screaming.
Backstage, the nWo plot some, while Nash pretends to be black right in front of Booker. Nash says if any of them lose their matches tonight, they're out of the nWo. Booker complains about the nWo music. OMG GOLDUST WAS EAVESDROPPING!
Outside, Jonathan Coachman WAITS.
CANUDIGITSUCKAAAAAA? Booka T + X-Pac vs. The Apathy Boyz. Matt and X start. Matt opens with THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for 2. Tag to Screamy. Some filler, then tag back to Matt, who gets the UHHHH LEGDROP. X tags in Booker, some madness, a tag to Jeff in the process. Jeff immediately rolls up Booker for 2. Some Move from Jeff, tag to Matt, Booker and X proceed to doubleteam him. Jeff lands a tag, then gets a sloppy Jawbreaker on X. Face doubleteam by the Hardyz. Air Sabu! Booker with a BIG kick, Spinaroonie is teased, but Booker lands the Axe Kick on Jeff! Spinaroonie is teased again, but this time Booker punks out Matt on the apron. X-Pac runs in, hits the X-FUKTOR on Jeff, then covers for 3. Booker is pissed, but only because he didn't get to Spinaroonie, which he immediately does.
Backstage, Paul skulks around outside Trish's room. Heyman walks right in after some not really official-looking guy leaves, but walks right into Buh Buh Ray Dudley, who tosses poor Paul around.
Opening Promo: Tommy Dreamer's out to further publicize his terrible new gimmick. BUTWAIT, here's Under Taker to make Promo #2 official. Under says that HE'S the champion! NO WAY! Under says Tommy's new gimmick is wasting Under's time. Tommy leaves, but first, Under challenges him to a match. PSYCH! Not really. This is ridiculous. Under Double Dog Dares Tommy to drink some spit-up. OR ELSE. Tommy drinks it anyway, but gets punked out for his troubles. Beetdown. Sigh. Poor Tommy. This Segment's Rating: Awful.
Backstage, Paul yells at Brock "I Have No Eyes" Lesnar about Buh Buh. Paul inputs the commands 'Crush,' 'Kill,' and 'Destroy.' ANDIT'SNEXT!
WWE Burn of the Night, Buh Buh being killed by Brock last week.
ANDIT'SNOW: We have shoving to start. Brock kicks, then punches. Paul screams at Buh Buh as Brock punches more. Buh retakes the advantage with punching. Some nonsense on the outside goes nowhere, and we're just as quickly back in the ring. Buh Buh with the crazypunches, Bionic Elbow, then the neckbreaker. The cover from Buh Buh gets 2. Lesnar gets a big suplex as Heyman yells more. Brock puts Buh in a bearhug, as Paul yells for Blacula to SCREAM. Buh Buh powers out, but takes a suplex anyway. Buh with a suplex of his own, then some punches, chops, and a flapjack. Sidewalk slam from Buh Buh gets a 2 count. Buh Buh Bomb, as Heyman distracts the ref. Buh chases Heyman, who ends up recieving one of Brock's clotheslines. Heyman distracts Buh Buh this time from the outside, as Brock lands Whatever His Finisher Is Called for the 3.
Outside, Coach is still waiting for Godot. Raven is out there perched mysteriously. Coach asks Raven about Austin, as Raven waxes philosophically about how Austin isn't here because he's a deeply troubled man fighting his own demons. Raven: "I wish I could help him, but it's his own destiny." GENIUS promo. Raven is still holding his place at #1 in my book.
Matchola: WELLLLL IT'S TEH BIG SHOE vs. Brad Shaw. Punching begins things. Shoe gets some headbutts, more punching, then some tossing. Headbutts, punching, etc. Charge, but Shoe runs into boot. Brad Shaw with punches, the Clothesline from Hell, TX is no-sold, as Shoe nails the Choakslam, and the cover for the 3. Thrills and spills.
Heh, Star Trek is on the Sci-Fi Channel. CAPTAIN, I'M AFRAID!
THE BOMB IS IN PLAY! Get Kid on the case! Jesus, I doubt anyone will find that funny.
Backstage, the nWo celebrate. Booker calls X-Pac a "ratty little sucka." Goldust walks in, dressed in nWo facepaint and an nWo shirt. X runs off screaming "I'M TELLING!" as Booker and Goldust "hang," as the kids say nowadays.
At Some Bar in New York, and I Hate the Yankess, Al Snow hosts the "Final Tuffenuff2 Physical Challenge." Not to be confused with anything they ever did on Double Dare. Watch Tuffenuff2 on Thursday, or the WWE will hate you forever. And trust me, you don't want that happening. Look at what happened to me.
Backstage, "Dirty" Terri talks to Rob Van Dayom. Trepidation? The Man From Michigan feels not such emotions. He's unafraid of Eddy. "Nobody gets higher than RVD" is said.
Wow, Anthony Hopkins looks just like Malcom McDowell now.
Outside, Coach waits more for Austin, until finally, Howard Finkel shows up for a humor segment.
Match-a-rama: Goldust vs. Everyone Hates Crash. Armdrags on Crash to start. Lockups, Goldust continues to press the advantage. Crash with THE ROLLUP THE ROLLUP for a 2. Crash with some takedowns, but Goldust quickly catches Crash with the Curtain Call and picks up the win. BUTWAIT! Kevin Nash has hax3d this victory! Goldust quickly ducks out of the ring, as Nash decides to beetdown Crash, because nobody likes Crash anymore. The end.
Backstage, Ric gabs on his Cel Phone of Mystery +1, when Eddy walks in. Eddy is worried about Austin, but Flair says that it's under control.
WWE Rewind: Eddy Cheated to Win at Judgement Daze.
LADDER MATCH: Double D Guererro vs. Rob Van DAYOM, GINA! Requisite punches start this match. Rob with a back body drop, then a HEEL kick. Outside, they throw each other around a lot. On the barricade, Eddy takes the Twisty Legdrop. Punching, Eddy whips Rob headfirst into the standing ladder. Eddy then drops the ladder on top of Rob. Eddy sets the ladder up, then thinks better of it, as we go back into the ring. Stiff elbow from Eddy, who then applies more elbows to Rob's head. At the ringpost, Eddy slams Rob's knee into the cornerpost. With a chair, Eddy then nails Rob's knee again. Eddy goes back in, then gets a suplex, and more punching in the corner. Flippy Turnbuckle Thing works! However, Rob sells his leg injury. Eddy gets a powarbomb, then pulls a ladder out from underneath the ring. Van Daminator on the ladder! The Sasuke Apron Moonsault lands on both Eddy and the ladder! Oh, but forget about the match, as here's Christ Benoit making his way through the crowd! PRIORITIES, PPL! Oh, and we're going to commercial to boot. Gaye as hell.
REMEMBER THE MATCH? We're back, as Eddy nails Rob with the ladder to the face. In the ring, Eddy sets up the ladder, starts to climb, but Rob nails a dropkick from the ropes to the ladder! Eddy goes flying. Rob gets punches, a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and then sets Eddy on the ladder. LOLing Moonsault! Rob sets the ladder, climbs, but Eddy meets him at the top and they do the "both guys punching each other" spot. Eddy tires of this, and sunset flips Rob from the top of the ladder! Some idiot fan runs into the ring, as security runs him off. Eddy starts to climb, but hits a senton bomb from the top of the ladder instead! Eddy gets a chair (bad idea), and starts to hit Rob's legs again with it. Rob regains the advantage, and puts Eddy in the corner, then dropkicks the chair into Eddy's face. Twisty legdrop, Rob sets the ladder on the prone Eddy. Split-Legged Moonsault! Rob sets the ladder up and climbs, but Eddy intercepts, then hits Rob with a suplex INTO the ladder! Eddy sets the ladder in the corner, starts punching Rob, but gets whipped into the ladder. Eddy puts Rob up on the top turnbuckle, but that goes nowhere, as Rob jumps down, and Eddy gets monkeyflipped into the ladder. LOLing Thundar with the ladder on top of Eddy! Kicks to Eddy. Rob sets the ladder set up, but Eddy gets the chair. Van Daminator! Rob sets the ladder in the corner, climbs, but falls off the unstable ladder. JR, the slightly more coherent of our 2 announcers, could have easily explained this as a result of Rob's legs being injured by Eddy, but decides to let the blown spot stand as is. Ass. Eddy climbs the cornerpost, but Rob punches him out of the ring. Rob gets the ladder set up again, climbs, and gets the Intercontinental Title just before Eddy arrives back in the ring. But, while posing, Eddy ATTAX w/ the ladder. OMG AUSTIN IS HERE! Austin beets down Eddy. Flair and Arn Anderson come out, as Austin no-sells a beating from all three of them. Benoit comes into the ring to supposedly help Austin, but immediately turns on him, as Eddy climbs the post, and lands the Frog Splash. JR contemplates his continuing existence in this cruel, uncaring universe, as we fade to Star Trek.
FINAL THOUGHT: *cry* MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT