March 4, 2002, Austin, TX
Rebeaker: Sofa
Music.
Your overly dramatic opening promo is: Vince McMahon telling us Ric Flair is still in Japan or something. Tonight is "Fan Appreciation Night." Kurt Angle jobs to HHH in a cage. "BALHBLHR BRHRALHBLHBA BLHABLH BLRHABLH!!!!!!" plays, and RAW IS "POLICE ACTION"
Your host(s) are Jerry "Not in Rollerball" Lawler and J "I hate the Japanese" R.
WWF CITY OF HEROES. Later Tonite: One member of the nWo IN ACTION! Kurt vs. H3.
Opening Promo Match: Steve Austin jerks the curtain against... Booker T. Continuing with their traditon of having my favorite wrestlers job to Stone Cold, the WWF gives us this match. I'm too busy eating my sandwich to do the play by play, but I doubt I'll miss anything. Austin will be about to win, when BUTWAIT, the nWo run out. Oh wait. Instead, Booker was about to win when BUTWAIT, the nWo WALK to the ring to beat up Steve. The nWo punch him about 200 times, and he blades like a barnyard analogy from JR. Hey, 10 minutes later, Hall hits a choke and a STUNNAR to end the punch-fest.
Commercials: CUBE. EPPS. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HIP PHRASES FROM 1998. GameCube commercial. Too bad Sega just turned HEEL by making JSRF ONLY FOR XBOX.
We're back, and Steve Austin is STILL writhing in agony in the ring. Some refs sort of push him in the direction of the locker room. This is hilarious, as he's just stumbling along as the refs gently nudge him.
REAL MATCH?: Since the whole roster is in Japan, Scottay 2 Hotty and Albert grace RAW with a non-Heat appearance. They're facing Test, who enters to "WACKY FLOOTS RIP" Plus promo. Terrible Promo, but it leads to him introducing his partner, MR. PERFECT! Curt and Alberta lock up to start. Albert has terrible pants. Perfect oversells some offense, as Test clocks him. Tag to Test. Test punches and kicks away. Charging clotheslines. Clotheslines. Tag to Perfect, Perfectplex is teased, but Perfect oversells the WIMBLEDON like crazy. The Zoo Crew go mad, Perfect goes outside to kill Albert. Back in, Facebustar, W-Y-R-M, but before Scotty can make the pin, PERFECTPLEX. Cover, 3. THE GUM IS SPIT! Curt stomps away on Scotty, but Albert comes in to kill them both. Eventually, Albert eats TEH BOOT. BUTWAIT, Rikishi runs in to shitbeat Test and Perfect, who ends up taking a Face of Stink.
Backstage, Coach interviews Kurt Angle. Kurt runs down both Tripple and Kane. Kurt pronounces that Tripple is "in big trouble, mister."
TUFF E NUFF 2 Promo. Nothing says burning fat like NASCAR and The Big Show.
LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK is Goldust attacking Maven and winning the Hardcore Title on Smackdown.
WE'RE BACK LIVE, as Lilian interviews Goldust. Goldust talks smack about, uh, someone. BUTWAIT, it's Tazz and JACKIEEEE the Ref. Taz with a HUGE suplex to start. Goldust gets an extinguisher and hits Taz with it. Back in the ring, punches. Stiff slaps from Gold. Tazz gets a nutshot. Taz is tied in the Impending Nutshot of Woe. Gold goes out for a trashcan, throws it back in. Nutshot. Why the stall? Some kicks. Gold goes for the Trashcanshot, but gets the TAZZINATOR! Taz locks Gold in the Katehajime, but Gold hits Taz in the head with the trash can lid. Gold falls on top of Taz, which constitutes a 3 count.
Backstage, the nWo PLOT.
Backstage, Coach interviews Rob Van Dayom. Rob talks about how he's gonna win at Wrestlemania. BUTWAIT, Lanth Thtorm walks up and complains. Rob tells Lance to lighten up, which ends up with Rob being slapped. Rob says they have a match later. Lawler, with the wittiest line ever, "LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A STORM BREWING!"
We see a replay of the whole DDP/Christian gimmick of goodness. Christian is interrupted by a phone call. Grandma Edna is about to bite it! OHNO!
Backstage, the nWo beat up some guy walking by in an Austin shirt. JR, with the line of the night of the last 2 minutes, "This is pathetic." Hey, if you drink every time Lawler says "Fan Appreciation Night", you'd have been drunk by 9:10.
The Worst Movie of the Year of the Month title looks to be in a serious three way tie between "Forty Days and Forty Nights," "Resident Evil," and "Sorority Boys." PERFECT PANCAKE!
The Band Whose Manager Paid to Have Their Song Played Every 30 minutes by the WWF: Saliva.
AT WWF CITY OF HEROES: The Godfather Picks up some LEGITIMATE Trashy Women.
Women's Title Match: Dodge Stratus vs. Jazz. Punching. Shoving. Lawler squealing. Slap from Jazz. JR keeps mention Molly Holly crying or something. Shut up, JR. Jazz goes insane. Nice suplex, Jazz gets the STF. Dodge uses her NOT A REAL WRESTLER powers to reach the ropes. Dodge punches. Bad clotheslines. Some kind of takedown. Tajiri Kick. Cover, 2. Jazz goes for a suplex, WIMBLEDON, but Trish eats cornerpost anyway. JR can't stress enough how evil Jazz is. Dodge loses her top, but IT ONLY GIVES HER MORE STRENGTH! Dodge locks in a poor STF, but Jazz uses her real wrestling powers to reach the ropes. However, Dodge refuses to break the hold. WHO'S EVIL NOW, JR? Dodge gets the Dairy Queen, then walks off in a huff.
Backstage, Steph bitches in a Cel Phone, supposedly to Christ "Still Recovering from Mutoh Slapping Me" Jericho. Jericho is supposedly looking for some kind of lotion or something, the story goes. BUTWAIT, Tripple H walks in with a box full of Steph's stuff. Awkward silence follows. I'M SO ORDERING WRESTLEMANIA BASED ON THIS SEGMENT.
Really funny commercial for Star Trek. Thanks, TNN. I'm almost willing to forgive ECW on TNN's cancellation for this one. Wait, no I'm not.
WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT: Bart Gunn getting humiliated at WrestleMania EXX 5. HAHAHA.
The Undertaker enters. Flashback to Ric Flair's refusal of his challenge. Undertaker says that Ric Flair refused his challenge. We just saw that. Undertaker blissfully recalls beating up Arn Anderson last week. JR will never stop calling Arn "Disabled." Under mumbles for a bit about how it's not his fault that Arn got beat up. Under says that he kidnapped or beat up David Flair. We see footage of the WWF Training facility. Under not only beats up David Flair, but all of the other developmental talent guys. Under says "DAYOM!" every time he punches. Really gross scene where they fight into the showers. Blah blah, it's all Ric's fault.
Hedgehog Audition. Thanks for turning HEEL, Sega.
We're back, as JR tells us what a horrible person Under is. "STILLNOTWALK" and ah, forget it. Slap, punch, Rob goes OVAH ZEH TOPE to attack. Suplex on the gaurdrail, twisty legdrop thing. Back in the ring, OVAH ZEH TOPE rope legrop. Storm gets a jawbreaker. Chops. Flippy Turnbuckly Thing that Never Works doesn't work. Lance goes crazy on Rob's knee. Hey, RAW's in Detroit next week! I wonder what's going into the Detroit River this time? Lance continues to attack, but Rob hits a dropkick. Frog Splash is WIMBLEDONED, Lance gets a superplex. Lance attacks Rob in the corner. Dragon screw from Storm into the WATER ON THE KNEE! Rob reaches the ropes. Lance tries another Dragon Screw, but Rob hits an enziguri/enzugiri. Rob sells the knee. Rob goes up top, but Storm follows. Rob gets a sunset flip from the top! Jesus. Storm goes up, off the rope shoulderblock! Cover, 2. Rob with the Spinning HEEL kick. Rob climbs AGAIN, Five. Star. Frog. Splash. Cover, 3. This match would have ruled the world had it not been on RAW, and thus, been longer. Easily the best match of the night, though.
Backstage, The Inaudible World Order plot some more. The Coffee Guy comes in to check the coffee, but ends up with a face full of it! JR: "HEEEEEY!" BOW DOWN BOW DOWN BOW DOWN!
JR hypes up Star Trek Movie Week on TNN. Wrath of Khan is on tomorrow night, bitches!
A The Rock video package. The announcers hype up his match against Hogan at Wrestlemania. Lawler stares at the sky and dreams.
Backstage, the nWo muse about this match, and then they hold a lottery to see who Hall faces. They harass some other guy backstage, too.
Jesus, did I just hallucinate the scary cartoon Star Trek commercial?
The nW0 hax0red into the TUFF E NUFF2 promo for their entrance. Flashback to all the evil they perpetrated earlier this fine evening. Ugh, not another promo. Scott says that he treated the fans to Stone Cold getting shitbeat earlier. Hall has ONE MORE THING for the fans, too. Oh, the opponent is Spike, in case anyone with half a mind couldn't guess it already. Punching to start. Hall picks Spike up, Spike gets the cradle, 2. Hall shibeats Spike. To the outside, Nash takes it to Spike, and so does Hogan. Hall super back drops Spike. Picks Spike up, Occam's Razor, C'mon Baby pin, 3. The nWo toss Spike out of the ring to celebrate. Ross never once stopped bitching during the whole match.
The Rock's gonna be on Smackdown. Which will be live. Commercial for the WWF Edition of The Weakest Link.
Mark Henry is out to celebrate winning the World's Strongest Man competiton. D'Lo better run out to beat his ass. Shit. Haha, Mark Henry got a whole 20 seconds, as the camera pans to the cage coming down.
Backstage, Kurt Angle walks into Steph's dressing room where, BUTWAIT, Tripple put itching powder or something in her lotion. Christ. If this doesn't warrant me declaring this the Most Horable RAW since the one where Lawler came back, I don't know what does.
Oh shit, Drowning Pool will be performing ONE of the Wrestlemania theme songs live on the day of the show. AND Saliva. TIME2PLAYTEHGAYME! HU HU HU HU. JR says that since Angle was dicked out of being the #1 contender, this is the best he'll do. I'm not kidding, he really said that. Well, except for the part about being dicked out of being #1 contender. Tripple and Huntar lock up. Punching. Whips, shoulderblock. Generic Cage Match moves. Tripple gets a back body drop on Kurt. Clothesline. Kurt manages an anklelock (no caps), but HHH WIMBLEDONS it. Generic Cage Match moves. H3 with the low blow. Huntar gets lots of kicks. Bootchoak. Tripple gets knocked down somehow, as Kurt climbs the cage, but Huntar grabs his foot and pulls him back in. Kurt hits the blow of lowness. Belly2Belly from Angle. Angle "goes Olympic", so sayeth the announcers. Rolling Deutches Suplexen. JR pronounces the Suplexes as evil. Huntar gets a sloooow neckbreaker. CHARGING KNEE! Tripple gets some punching. Tripple climbs to the top of the cage, but Angle tries to grab his foot. Huntar kicks him down, but Kurt tries again and succeeds with the HANDFUL OF TIGHTS! CHEATER! Olympic Slam! TEH PEDIGREE! JR: "A Scintillating Pedigree! Deep in the heart of Texas!" BUTWAIT, Steph is out to bitch. Teddy Long tries to send her back to backstage, but she slams him into the cage. She prevents Huntar from winning. She also won't let Angle win unless he kicks Huntar's ass. Angle goes to town on HHH. Steph says he's done enough, but Kurt decides to shitbeat HHH more. BUTWAIT, Tripple gets a catapult on Angle into the cage. Steph tosses a chair in, but Huntar gets it. Angle charges him. Double clothesline spot. They fall asleep. When they get back up, Kurt eats a DDT onto the chair. That looked really fucking painful. Tripple starts to climb the cage, but Steph gets the chair and hits him with it. Tripple is caught in the ropes, as Steph drags Angle out of the cage for the token victory. Steph practially carries Kurt back up the ramp, as this self promotion stunt is over. Star Trek is on.
Final Thought: Mr. Perfect won. Somehow my head still hurts. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT.