Captain's Blog: I should have farmed out all the grading I had to do to one of the myriad WV Hopefuls. Let's get this backlog started.
It's a stampede of soldiers, headed to see some WWE! Where's my tiny flag to wave? This Scott Stapp song is representative of the WWE's love of Afghanistan.
Opening Promo: SWAGGER ACCOMPLISHED USA USA USA comes out.
The black wizard is in attendance. Wow, dissing the "negative media types." More crap about the evil commiepinkofagislamic media. I see now why I didn't bother rebeaking this for a month. Let's bring out our ring announcer, It's great to be here in South America, Afghanistan! National anthem. Surprised it's not the 'amber waves of grain' one that Vince usually supplants in the place of this particular Star-Spangled tune.
Commercials.
Some wrestlers went to an air base in Germany. The irony of the newspaper clippings they show written about this event is pretty funny, epsecially with the big shit Vince just took on the facisthomocommiefreedom-hating media.
The Associated Press is Not Cool vs. WELL IT'S THE FORBIDDEN PIG SHOW
No pork in Afghanistan. Carlito feigns running, attax Big Show from behind, and gets beat up for a while. Eyerake. Punching. Carlito lifts off for an airstrike, but the Big Show launches a HAM(fist) Missile and intercepts him with a chokeslam. Short and shitty. Or, as I should have called this match, Shit and Shorty.
Shawn Michaels and John Cena learn about minefields.
Commercials. Coachman? What da hell? Maybe he's joining Kurt Angle in Hatred of the Troops. He's still pimping True Crime, just like Grisham would.
Opening Promo: The Coach can Teleport from Canada to Afghanistan like that, kiiiid! introduces Santa Claus. More like Sargent Claus. What strange tootlin' music. Joey and King have trouble believing it's the real Santa. OMG SANTA HATES THE TROOPS! Or, rather, he hates the living conditions that he has to suffer through. It's quite obviously JBL. Christmas is cancelled. And a slew of other holidays. Jesus, even Bastille Day? Santa is cancelling their leave. Butwait! HERE COMES A NEW SANTA CLAUS. Joey confirms this one as real, somehow. Jerry thanks Joey for the "Singing Cats Christmas CD" he received. Coach calls out the santas, as one of them is obviously a phony. New Santa is obviously Foley, as he gets a cheap pop. Let's have a "No Ho-ho-holds barred match" between the Santas.
This will never be as good as the Santa Tajiri vs. Buh Buh Claus match. The bag of toys is loaded. JBL's Uniform/Santa Suit says "Claus" on the breast. Heh. Lots of stupid brawling and crap. Foley clubs JBL with the pillow that he somehow needs to somehow look fatter. Mr. Socko, Merry Christmas. Joey acknowledges some possible Canadians/Englishmen who may or may not be in the crowd. Forgetting about the allies is like forgetting about Dre. Except Dre's allies don't accidentally bomb him.
Commercials.
WWE Supports the Troops is brought to you by Dragon Quest 8.
Let's see part of an MSNBC report on the WWE visiting Afghanistan. Because the media obviously hates the troops and America. JBL gets a chant from the troops.
Commercials. Squirrel, plz. "The A Team, the Coach, back in the house." Dayom, I missed Mr. Kennedy at an autograph thing. Wherever the hell Petawawa is. Brought to you by "Chicken Chicken". I wonder what they sell there.
AIN'T NO STOPPIN' ME DO NOT WANT vs. Toe Suckin' Mullah
I had no idea Snitsky's beard had reached such critical levels. Cheapshot, whips and crap. Snitsky takes off the turnbuckle pad. Suplex attempt, Shelton worms out, and runs around beating up Snitsky every which way. Shelton is in the air, flying clothesline. Ground and kilogram. Shelton gets whipped into the exposed turnbuckle, boot, pin.
Staff Sargent Milton tells us about the Army's continuing search for his stapler in the mountains of Tora Bora.
Commercials.
The champ is here, in ur base, entertaining ur troopz vs. Putting the "Bore" in "Tora Bora"
I was hoping I could see this dream matchup again. Masters and Cena lockup. And lockup. As Joey and Jerry discuss womens' rights in Afghanistan. Clothesline. Leapfrogs and drop toeholds and other assorted gayety. Headlocks. More headlocks. Breaking out, some running around, Masterlock. Goes on for a while, Masters breaks it and tosses Cena. Cena up, lands on a boot. Naptime, wakeup time, punching. Clotheslines. Sidewalk slam. Joey: "Belly to back sitout powerbomb!" It was a fucking sidewalk slam, Jesus. It's not like this is a Super Crazy/Little Guido match or anything. F-U, pin, yawn.
More video packages.
Commercials.
Opening Promo: Coach introduces I wonder how many countries in the Axis of Evil Ric Flair has wrestled in? He wrestled Rikidozan in North Korea, and I'm sure he went to Iraq whenever they did that. Coach insults Flair enough to warrant an impromptu match. Coach rakes the eyes, and chokes. Flair rakes Coach in the eye. Chops. Strutting. Low blow. Figure Four, we're done.
Video package. John Cena shoots some mortars.
Commercials.
More video packages.
More Commercials.
Support the Troops with shitty womens' wrestling
I've seen this match approximately 300 times, I think. I think the faces won. That's like 75% of the results for these matches, usually. It's a safe bet the faces won. I'm not rewinding.
Video package. One of the interviewees happens to have a famous skirt-chasing past.
Commercials.
Video package.
Time to play the Game (SOCOM) vs. Homohomo Boot Kamp
During the hour of entrances, the J's discuss Chris Palumbo. Hiptosses! Armdrag! Armbar! The graduates of Tough Enough couldn't have done that highly technical exchange any better! HHH breaks out. WE'VE GOT PUNCHING! Shawn gets tossed out of the ring! This is just too exciting! We're gonna have to cut to:
Commercials.
Punching up the ramp. Pedigree teased, backbodydrop. Sandbag to the head. Some dude is standing nearby holding an assault rifle. Jerry and Joey discuss it being used. This IS no DQ, after all. They punch back down the ramp. Back in the ring, Shawn whips HHH right back out. Pssh. Boot to the head. Shawn goes into the cornerpost. Back in, refbump, HHH hits a DDT. Ref #2 slides in, 2. HHH pushes the ref around. Chad Patten or whatever points at some army patch on his shoulder. Joey and Jerry fail to elucidate whether he was in the army or not, so, HHH salutes Chad, then punches him. Heh. Scoop slam. It's over! HHH up top, lands on boot. Oversell, naptime. Wakeup, chops. Clothesline, kipup, the so-called HUGE HEAD OF STEAM. Shawn up top, elbowdrop. Stomping, superkick, duck, Pedigree, no, catapult. Superkick. We done.
Scott Stapp's angel voice serenades us out.
Final Thoughts: I'm a bit disappointed I didn't get to use my "Tora Bora Bora" joke for Tajiri. Sigh.