Captain's Blog: Whew.
Opening Promo: It's hard to swagger standing on the entrance ramp standing still. "Last week I fired Eric Bischoff's ass." That poor donkey. Who's gonna be the new GM? He's gonna keep you guessing, because this is stupid. Elimination Chamber at New Year's Revolution. Let's have our qualifying match.
My entrance is no longer censored, but my bestiality pornography still is :( vs. My Insane Asylum Bus Was Pulled Over
Headlocks, snapmares, shoulderblocks. Joey: "Tied up in the corner, referee Jack Doan wants a clean break, but he will not get it." Clotheslines and chops and crap. Angle gets a german suplex. Backdrop, anklelock. Lots of crawling for the ropes and pulling back. Flair finally reaches the ropes, but Angle hangs on until 5, and Flair starts up his "AH, AH GOD AH SHIT" crap.
Commercials.
Headlocks a plenty. Flair counters with a backdrop. Angle Angleizes himself. Flair chopblocks. Working the knee, Figure Four. Angle gets out, belly2belly. Angle slam, no, Angle gets chopped out of the ring. Angle gets the chair, it gets knocked away, Angle reaches into his onesie, pulls out his medals, and coldcocks Flair. Cover, pin. What a dumb finish. I've seen much better Angle/Flair matches. Angle's got the mic. Weird promo. Kurt Angle hates the troops. Broken freakin' neck. "I'll tell you what. IF, and that's a big damn if, if they catch Osama, maybe I might go over there and sign a few autographs." RAW is in Afghanistan next week? Let's cut to
Backstage: Islamic Boregasm is backstage, about to desecrate some statue of Larry Bird and Bobby Orr that is colorized like a Ronald McDonald outside of a McDonald's. YO I LOVE THE BRUINS HOCKEY IS DOPE WORD LIFE. See, the stereotype is that Hockey is a sport for the whiteys. Cena: "News flash, half the people out there probably think I suck." Cena loves the troops. So, this is what our Main Event feuds have been reduced to. Who loves America more? Not since Sargent Slaughter sympathised with Iraq have we had such hard-hitting, poignant drama.
Commercials.
Backstage: Ric Flair sulks, HHH Edge comes to tell him he's washed up. There are different names for the same feud.
Backstage: Shawn and Shelton have some drama.
Commercials. Special Boxing Day Raw.
John Cena goes to Europe, pretending people are listening to his CD.
Another Evil Black Man vs. They Should Turn Carlito Into An Ipod Promotional Device
Apples and all. Wow, Carlito sure looks happy to be entering. Elimination Chamber qualifier. Benjamin beats the hell out of Carlito. Ducks a clothesline, belly2belly. Carlito hasn't done a thing yet. Shelton misses the dive to the outside, but clotheslines the shit out of Carlito. Carlito finally gets the offense, and does his weird 'shins to your back' backbreaker. Stomping and crap. 2 count. Regular backbreaker now. Punchery. Shelton misses a dropkick, Carlito goes for a Boston Crab. IN BOSTON LOL. Shelton rolls over, 2. Sidewalk slam. Naptime. Shelton beats the shit out of Carlito when they wake up. Neckbreaker, 3. Sunset flip attempted, Carlito hangs on to the ref and avoids it for a little bit, but the ref eventually gets pulled over with Carlito. 2 count. Shelton goes up top, Carlito catches him... FLATLINER! Cover... 2! Carlito kicks, vertical suplex, no. Tries an inverse DDT, no. Shelton catches him, Explodah! Shelton goes to get the apple? Going to spit on Carlito, but Carlito grabs him, rollup! THAT'S HIS MOVE! Finisher, pin. What a weird picture of Carlito in the Elimination Chamber graphic.
Backstage: Trevor Murdoch wants to be RAW GM. And so does Candice Michelle, accompanied by sleazy saxophone music. BUTWAIT! Angle interrupts McMahon, and then Angle is in turn interrupted by commercials.
Commercials.
Harbling Brian Kendrick vs. I bet I could safely urinate during his entrance and not miss a thing.
Good thing you didn't take that bet. Back with plenty of entrance to spare. Chopping and crap. Chokeslam, no. Show charges, and Shawn pulls the top rope, so Big Show goes flying. Shawn jumps, gets caught, goes headfirst on the ring apron. Headbutt. Chopping. Boot. Halfway done? Praise Jesus. Bearhug. Take us home for a few minutes of this. Shawn punches out. Kneelift. Chops. Shawn gets caught again, tossed into the corner. Show charges into boots. Punch, kipup. Shawn can't knock Big Show down, almost gets chokeslammed, counters it into a really weird DDT. The replay made it look much better than the other angle. Michaels up, elbowdrop. Stomping. Superkick, Big Show doesn't go down. On one knee, Shawn tries again, but gets caught and chokeslammed. Butwait, out comes Time to Slay the Game. Blade Trinity was on Friday night for some reason. Bad, bad, movie. He pulls Shawn out, and chairs him. Okay. Dairy Queen, Shawn is in the Elimination Chamber. Big Show spits and breathes heavily. Perhaps breathes heavily and spits inadvertently.
Backstage: Angle wants to face Cena tonight. But, Vince makes it Cena vs. Daivari. A "You Can't See Me Match". A blindfold match. Vince plays with the wand.
Commercials.
Needs Steroids Dreamstone to be Complete vs. FUCKING VISCERA?!
Well. Scoop slam, fatvalanche. Chops. Masters picks Viscera up, no. Masterlock, he can't get it on all the way? Does that count as breaking the Masterlock? I guess not when a black man does it. Masterlock attempted again, no. Viscera with a weird slam, samoan drop. Charges, Masters droptoeholds him into the ropes. Masterlock. Does Viscera have pajamas on under his pajamas? Some sort of bodysuit? Weird. That's too shiny to be skin. Oh, it's over.
Smackdown Letdown: HAH, Orton and Costello Meet Undertaker. Did anybody see Velocity to see Josh try and explain this?
Commercials.
During the Break WWE.com Exclusive Backstage: Mickie James and Trish have veiled drama. God, this is vapid.
What the fuck: You know, just a year ago I was teaching the 6th Grade, is out to lecture us, complete with desk and blackboard. He's gonna lecture us on Family Values. Matt Striker has now become JBL's tutor, it seems. A Republican lecturing Boston on welfare and the usual talking/bitching points. Yeah, sounds like a JBL Fantasy. Gay marriage joke. So, is he a face in the red states? "It's not your fault that you're out there smoking the pot." Well, I do like the unneccesary 'the.'
Backstage: Vince tries on a gimp hood for Cena to wear. He then turns to WHAT THE FUCK CHRIS NOWINSKI?!?!!?! Nowinski wants to be the first Harvard-educated GM. So does fucking Dusty Rhodes. Nowinski shows himself the door. Jesus, that was unprecedented.
Commercials.
Let's give a big thanks to Scott Stapp. Let's not.
I've seen this match 300 times in the past 3 months
Mickie James, Victoria, #1 contender. Victoria has eyes on her breasts. Well, this match has that going for it, at least. Trish is on commentary. Victoria does a standing moonsault, which is pretty awesome, but can't really save this. Mickie attempts a terrible rana, but Victoria flips it into a Boston Crab. IN BOSTON LOL. God, Mickie James needs to stop fucking screaming. FUCKING TERRIBLE DDT, victory for James. God fucking damn it.
Commercials. Wrestlemania collection. See Jim Ross declare each successive Wrestlemania "The Greatest Wrestlemania of All Time."
Phoning this one in
Not like HHH or Kane will do any more, either. Punching. More punching. Kane picks HHH up. Nothing happens. Knee. Punching. Kane tosses HHH. HHH is on the outside. This is so exciting, we're gonna have to take a break.
Commercials. Telling Canada to buy Shawn Michaels's book isn't going to get you very far, Todd.
We're back, naptime. I am not surprised. Zombie situp. Punching. Clotheslines. Pumphandle slam. Kane goes outside to follow an escaping HHH. HHH into the barricade. Back in, top rope clothesline. Kane only has one move left! HHH with the knee. Pedigree, no. Snake Eyes from Kane. Refbump. Boot to HHH. Chokeslam, countered with a low blow, DDT. HHH on the outside, has the sledgehammer. Big Show is out. Kane zombie sitsup. Chokeslam from Kane and Big Show. Cover, Big Show is going to job like fucking crazy to HHH. Probably both Big Show and Kane at once.
Backstage: Cena smugly walks.
Commercials.
No double nicknames this week.
Daivari is already in the ring. No ululating. Lame. U-lu-lame. Get that blindfold on Cena. Daivari has his shiny, shiny pants on. Everyone should know that's all I care about at this point. Cena charges around like a... blind man, and Kurt swipes at his feet. Daivari doesn't really do anything except smack Cena around. Hah. Daivari ducks some punches, takes one, and tosses the ref into Cena. Cena almost kills him. Cena asks the crowd to spot for him. God, lame. Angle hits him in the gut, Daivari stomps away. Bootchoking. Cena with a dick to the mouth, pound and ground. Belly2back, STF, Daivari taps out. Jesus, I refuse to accept the STF as Cena's finisher under any circumstance. Angle ATTAX. And says something that gets bleeped. Shades of Batista. Angle gets fought off. F-U on Daivari.
Final Thoughts: Nowinski?!!?