Captain's Blog: Okay, I give in... I want someone to replace me... in writing this 10 page essay! Zing!

Opening Promo: Little do you know, I'm swaggering my legs while I drive this garbage truck. Carpet in the ring. And podiums, wow. Taping in LP sure is weird on my pause function. I doubt I'll get any good pictures again this time. McMahon helpfully points out that he drove a garbage truck to the ring. Vince introduces Walking Out For My Monthly Pennance For Daring to Run WCW. Wow, rarely-heard second verse on "I'M BACK". Eric begs to keep his job. Bischoff will get a trial tonight. Let's introduce our defense attourney, DEFENDING MYSELF FROM INVESTIGATION BY THE MI5, KID! Coach: "By the end of the night, not only will I prove that Eric Bischoff deserves to keep his job, but that he also deserves a raise!" Let's have the prosecution, I'm Wearing My Legal-sized Sweatpants. He has a Batman lunchbox. Let's recess now and dismantle this stupid set that had no point, because this will continue in further Backstage segments.

Commercials.

OFFICALLY A TAG TEAM/COUPLE NOW THAT WE HAVE INTEGRATED MUSIC/ENTRANCES vs. Everyone ever

Nobody got entrances except for Big Show and Kane. Haha, Val Venis on RAW? What the fuck. He has horrific green panties, too. Viscera whips Kane, turns around into the Big Show, and gets killed. Snitsky in, boot. Antonio gets tossed outside onto Viscera. Romeo gets picked up, killed. Kane gets whipped into val Venis, Big Show charges, and Joey does his best Bubb Rubb with a "WHOO WHOO!" THE SATARDS GO WHOO! Dat's only in tha' mo'nin', you supposed tah be up makin' pornos or somet'in by den, Val! Jesus, the world needs more Bubb Rubb. Romeo, Tomko, and Val get all chokeslammed and pinned at once. Meeeeh.

Backstage: Trial Proceedings. King McMahon XXXIII is your judge, I'm Mute, And Better Than Ever, your defendant, and YAKRA, KIID! your defense attourney. HE'S THE WIND, MASA! SHHHHH! DURING HIS ENTRANCE is your bailiff. God, I'm going to have so much fun with this. Our Prosecutor, The Black Sweatpants Howl: One of you will be fired shortly introduces our first witness, That Ending Where You Become an ugly Reptite. Stephanie even gets a musical entrance to the trial? Haha. Maybe Eric ate her lunch, the villain he is. Lots of eyerolling by Bischoff. We have video footage of the 2002 HALLOWEEN EPISODE OF SMACKDOWN, JESUS THAT WAS MY FAVORITE EPISODE EVER. Eric (w/ black hair) removes his Vince McMahon mask, and lays one on Stephanie, and SHE LIKED IT. That's evidence? Jesus, they should have shown Matt Hardy crashing the costume party with a boombox blaring his OHH YEAH entrance music, for all the damning evidence that clip had.

Commercials.

Some army dude is in the crowd.

Blarg: Mickie James vs. Victoria. I forget, why is Torrie Wilson un-fired? Lots of brawling on the outside. USE YOUR MAGIC WAND, CANDICE, YOU DUMB BITCH. Summon an aeon or something. Armlocks and shit. They've been doing nothing but fucking punching, and they need this rest? Victoria gets headscissored. Haha, DISTRACTION! Candice waves her magic wand threateningly at Mickey James, and the star on the tip fucking flies right off. Victoria with THE ROLLUP, grabs the tights, that's it. Mickey James looks like she's gonna fucking cry. Uh oh, impending drama between James and Trish.

Backstage: They call me Tajiri, I have slanty eyes, beat me up, and you're higher on the jobber ladder than I is testifying. Via an interpreter. Haha, I like Tajiri having to insist that she translate the stupid things he says. Because Tajiri complains about not being used properly, he now has to face HHH. Chris Masters drags him out after he threatens violence. Next witness. Fuck. Azala w/Tyranno is fucking Mae Young and Moolah. Jesus, so much for this being fun.

Commercials. Grish got a haircut.

Backstage: Penis jokes. Let's call John Cena to the stand for some poop jokes. Let's see a disgusting clip! Get the fuck off my TV. Coachman calls his first witness. He calls Bailiff Masters to the stand. McMahon calls Masters on his fake last name, and sends him out of the room. Weird.

Backstage: Shelton Benjamin prepares to job, when Shawn Michaels comes and leers over his shoulder in one of the creepiest looks I've ever seen on WWE. God, so creepy. Hands on shoulders, creepy smiles. Is Shawn's hand on Shelton's ass now? I DON'T SEE IT ANYMORE. Shawn's got jungle fever. They stir the shit with each other.

Commercials.

Backstage: Coach is on the celly with a witness.

I can't think of a tasteful joke vs. Bleh

Does that sign say "Latino No Heat"? That's fucking terrible. Ohh, Chavo. Lawler: "Chavo's nephew, Eddie Guerrero." Way to factcheck those Latinos you care naught about, Jerry. Would they job Chavo to Lance Cade? I don't think they're above not doing it. Lots of fucking punching. Stomping on Chavo. Chavo finally fights out, counters a suplex into a DDT, Frog Splash, win. Shut up, Lilian.

Commercials.

Backstage: Coach questions ALLHEAIAHALHA-*LAVOS SCREAM*. Khosrow thanks Eric for giving him a job. And for rescuing his kitty. "It's in my humble, honest to Allah opinion that Eric Bischoff should remain the general manager of RAW." Vince WASN'T LISTENING HE WAS PLUGGING AN IPOD LOL. Foley pigs out. RC Cola, nice.

Commercials.

Another Stupid Interview Segment: You look so handsome when you're boring. God, Lita has a fucking WALL of hair. Edge is a "Rated 'R' Superstar". Everyone else on RAW is 'PG-13'. Pi-Ji 13. Ric Flair was supposed to show up, but he's INNN JAIL or something. Jail. Jail! Jail! They insult him, and Sargent fucking Slaughter and Michael Hayes. They get in the ring, and Hayes yells a lot at Edge. Edge counters by mention that Terry Gordy is DEAD. Shades of MNM. Hayes says only got this stupid talk segment because he nailed Lita. Hayes attax, but gets briefcase'd.

Commercials.

Already in the Ringu vs. Beedrill

Tajiri kicks. HHH punches Tajiri in the back of the neck off the handspring elbow. Suplex. Charges right into Tajiri's foot. Chops, the handspring works this time. Kicking. Joey calls the "Japanese whip." Tarantula, no. Messing around on the outside, back in, boot to HHH's head. Pinebuster. Pedigree, fuck this.

Backstage: Coach calls Simon Dean, but he doesn't show. Instead we get TICK TICK TICK *spitting worms*, who just fucking rises from the witness chair. Says his shtick, smashes his clock, and sinks back down. Jesus, that rules. Mick Foley is still eating.

Commercials. Fortune smiles upon thee, thou has seen this commercial 50 fucking times.

Backstage: HHH wanders, but walks into the Big Show.

Backstage: Foley introduces Some Stupid Bitch. Maria. I'm all out of Chrono Trigger shit, to be honest. LOL SHE CAN USE BIG WORDS. I suspect the witness has been coached. This will close in the ring. Lawler is all atwitter with anticipation.

Commercials.

Having Black Kravings vs. Is sex with apples bestiality sex?

Perhaps I should as Boobermonkeys. Lockups, belly2belly, punching on Carlito. Angle in, clotheslines, armdrag. Carlito gets backbodydropped, Angle charges, HEEL kick.

Commercials. Grish reccomends doing all your holiday shopping at WWE.com. Yes, Sakoda would REALLY like that John Cena Hypnobelt for her holidays. Thank you, Grisham, you've saved me.

Shawin is punching Carlito. Carlito knocks him down, stomps. Shawn with a neckbreaker. Tag to Shelton, clotheslines on Carlito, backbreaker, cover, 2. Joey can't seem to recall the name of our referee. Tenay would know. Angle gets knocked off, but Daivari pulls Shelton outside, and knocks him down. Carlito pursues, and throws Shelton back in the ring. Cover, 2, stomping, ground and pound. Tag to Angle. Punching. Clubbering. Belly2belly. Carlito in, punching. Tag to Angle, german suplex, 2. Bearhug. Shelton gets picked up for the Angle Slam, but gets a DDT. Naptime. Joey finally knows Jack Doan's name. Maybe Tenay called him. Tags, Shawn clotheslines Carlito, kipup, a shitload of clotheslines. Scoop slam! It's over! Shawn goes up top, elbow. He stomps, but Shelton tags himself in, misses a crossbody, Carlito covers, THAT'S HIS MOVE! Victory via Carlito's finisher. Shawn is pissed. Handshake offered, but Shelton walks away. Good man. Shove.

Backstage: McMahons arrive. Vince greets HHH. HHH wants to keep Eric as GM. HHH and Stephanie have an awkward moment.

Commercials.

Opening Promo: Eric makes his plea. Let's have From the, town of butt-rock LOL. I've come down to Cena's level. Haha, 'come'. Let's put him in the trash. Okay, finally done with this. Perhaps we're finally done with insulting WCW. I doubt it, though.

Final Thoughts: I'm in your base, killin' ur will to watch wrestling.