January 14, 2002, Dallas TX.
Rebeaker: Sofa
Music.
Your overly dramatic opening promo is: The CRAZY ending to Smackdown(!). "BALHBLHR BRHRALHBLHBA BLHABLH BLRHABLH!!!!!!" plays, and RAWS IS ON, OMG.
Your host(s) are Jerry "OINK" Lawler and J "R" R.
Opening Promo: Also Sprach Zarathustra plays, and "Mad Hatter" Ric Flair is out for his promo. Flair says Dallas is great, Flair's gonna beet Vince at THA ROYAL RUMBAL, but Vince has humbled Ric as of late. WHAT A SHOT WHAT A HEINOUS SHOT. Vince gets off on being Vince. Flair begins to go nuts, and makes his fight against Vince a StreetFight. I want to see Vince get Guileplexed through a wooden crate at an air base. Ric really starts to lose it and flips around. Ric calls out Vince, but "Crotch Tunnel" hits, and Chris Jericho has checkered pants. And a glittery star shirt. JR says "sauntering", stealing one of my words. Jericho says Flair is jealous of THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION's success for the hundreth time. Then Jericho insults Texas. SANDY IS PISSED! Jericho then insults George Bush, and then how it's not cool to do so nowadays. I want to marry Jericho now. NOW. Flair decks Jericho and starts Chops-a-Plenty. Jericho makes the comeback, with chops of his own, but Flair counters with Low Blows a Plenty, then gets Jericho in the Figure Four. Vince McMahon comes out to put himself over Flair and Jericho with a pipe to Flair's head. Vince mumbles for a bit, then Jericho holds Flair up for more of TEH BEETDOWN. Vince's music plays, and we're done.
Commercials: Joey Numbaz reccomends Stacker 2.
Backstage Lanth Thtorm and CHRISTIAAAN talk about stuff, but Jericho walks in so they switch to talking about how great what just happened is. BUTWAIT, Brad Shaw walks in and says DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS AMERICA.
During the Break, Vince ran out of the arena.
Match, Buh Buh Ray Dudley vs. Old Dudley Theme Spike. Clubbering on Spike. Buh Buh gets a Gorrila Press, but SPIKE MANAGES THE NEAR FALL. 10 punches on Buh Buh is Wimbledoned to a slam. Scoop slam to Speik. Buh Buh surfaces, but the big splash misses. Spike gets a few punches. Tazz is wearing a sockhat. Acid Drop is Wimbledoned, a ton of shit happens, Spike climbs Buh Buh and screws up a rollup for the 3.
Backstage, A Limo arrives. OMG IT'S STEPH'S BOOBS. HHH is with her. OMG HE LOOKS PISSED.
PEYTON2MARVIN!
EFF EFF EXX Something of the Week, Is the glorious moment of the Hurricane and Tiejiri kicking the shit out of the Panty Pals.
The Pantys enter to Billy NOTGUNN's music. God, they have gaye voices, too. Molly is too cute. Hurricane calls the Pantys FAGIZ, and the beating begins. Billy sells nothing from SugarCane, then tags in Chuck. Hurri eats a bunch of punches and slams, then Billy tags in. Hurri manages a Tornado DDT somewhere in there. Tag to chuck, and Hurri manages a little offense which allows him to tag Tajiri who shitbeats everyone. The Pals come back, but Tajiri scores a Tarantula on Chuck. Tajiri sets Chuck up for the FINISH HIM kick, but kicks the approaching Billy instead. This allows Chuck to hit the JUNGAL KICK for the win. The Panty Pals really do never lose.
Backstage, The Undertaker rolls up in his Big Wheel. BIDNEZZ IZ PICKIN' UP!
FINAL FANTASY 10 IS GORGEOUS AND GRAND! IT'S NOT A PAY PHONE, IT'S PAUL E'S OLD CELPHONE!
AT WWF NEW YORK After JR shills the place, Scotty and the Hip Hop Hoppip high five a buncha people.
Backstage, COLESLAW LOL interviews Kurt Angle. Kurt plays up the Whats, and mentions Shakira. Haha, this one is pretty funny. I want someone to say "STUPIDSAYSWHAT" in an interview. I hope Booker does. He has my blessing to steal it, just like the Hurricane stole one of The Next Mideon's jokes about the Panty Pals. Kurt runs down how he's gonna beet up Kane.
Backstage, Steph bitches a lot. Debra shows up, and they argue about whose husband is gonna win TEH RUMBAL. They excange punches and slaps and Lawler has an aneurysm.
GORGEOUS AND GRAND. Hahah, a classic rock comp called ROCK HITS. SHIT, why are The Cars on this? They deserve so much better...
Dodge is out for commentary and Lawler Embolysm Induction. Women's match, Jazz vs. JACKIEEEEE! Jazz, being evil, and the WWF, showing they are PROBABLY not racist by having a NOTEVIL Female African American Wrestler. Jazz wins and tries to attack Poor Announcing Skills Trish. You do realize if the WWF hires Gran Hamada's daughter they'll ruin her. You do realize that, right? They'll probably give her a geisha gimmick or something. Racists.
WWF REWIND BY M&M's is Kane shitbeating Angle on Smackdown(!).
Kurt enters to "Non Booty Bass Mix." Kane enters to "BOOM." STAIRDOWN to start. Angle gets clubbered out of the ring to start. Outside, Angle gets beatdown further. Angle gets chucked into the guardrail. Back in, Angle hits a nice dropkick to Kane's head. Powarslam to Angle. In the corner, charging headbutts from Kane. WHIPS. Kane picks Angle up, and slams him down. Elbowdrop misses. Fireman's carry on Kane. Kurt clubbers Kane, then gets Chops A Plenty. Kane teases Choakslam, but goes for a beatdown instead. WHIPS. Sidewalk Slam from Kane. Kane surfaces, but Kurt charges and flips him off the turnbuckle. Clubberings. Kurt teases the anklelock (no caps), but Kane hits the enziguri/enzugiri. Kurt gets tossed around. And eats weak looking punches. Kane goes up, clothesline. A bunch of Kane finishers are Wimbledoned, and Kurt hits the anklelock. Kane won't tap. He gets the ropes. Kurt drools. Olympic Slam, 2 count. Choakslammed is teased, but Kurt grabs Lil' Flair. Kane choakslamms them both. IN A DELICIOUS TWIST, Kane gets the anklelock to Kurt. Angle is TAPPIN LIKE A DRUNK MAN. Kane gives up, then tries again, but as Chuck wakes up, Kurt WIMBLEDONS it to a cover and GRABS THE ROPES OMG OLD SKOOL HEEL.
Backstage, Steph bitches more to Triple H to the IZO.
In the crowd, some old football player.
Backstage, The Big Shoe pals around wif THA APA. The Bingoman Booker T-1000 walks up, and THA APA do nothing but insult him. Booka challenges Shoe to a match. And this segment is over like rover. THA APA say they're gonna run into the match.
"Warbling Rob Zombie Song" brings out Edge. JR says that "Looks like Booker and the Big Show are gonna hook up tonight." He's facing Robbie. And Regal. And Test. The ref frisks Explodin' Steve Regal. Oh, this is a tag match. Thanks for the heads up, JR. RVD gets shitbeat for a while by Test. Tag to Regal. A bunch more shitbeating. Tag to Test. Rob gets the Bootchoak. Sleeper on Rob. Both teams get tags. They exchange reversals, Edge almost wins, but Test interrupts. Rob climbs up and kicks Test, but eats TEH KNUCKS. LAZY DDT to Test from Edge, but Edge eats TEH KNUCKS. Cover, 3. Wave, and he leaves.
GORGEOUS AND GRAND
Backstage, Lanth and CHRISTIAAAAN and Y2EGO LOL yak, but they notice THA APA hanging out wif Rikishi on the monitor. They do not approve.
CANUDIGITSUCKAAAAAA! Facing Teh Pig Shoe. Let's see if Booker can go 0-4 on the year. Booker gets no offense to start. Booker WIMBLEDONS one shot, and Shoe goes over the top rope to the outside. Shoe clubbers his way back to the advantage, and tosses Booker in. WHIP, Booker Shoulderblock Shoe's knees. AXE KICK, 2 count. Shoe just kind of pushes his arm at Booker for some "clotheslines." Turnbuckle was somehow exposed, and a Shoe charge is dodged, Shoe hits the buckle, cover, 3. SUPIN RUUNII!!!! HE ONLY WON CUZ THE REF WAS A BRUTHA!
Backstage, a moving, gripping shot of Steve Austin's door.
Backstage, Another telling, powerful, Steve Austin interview. He says "Whataburger."
PEYTON2MARVIN
KID ROCK'S "COCKY" presents the Short Term Memory Loss replay of Ric being assbeat by Vince and Y2EgoLOL. It's a match. Lanth and CHRISTIAAAN and Christ vs. THA APA and Rikishi. They shill UNCLE Ben's Rice Bowls. A bunch of clubberings. Lanth hits the SOUPARKICK to Rikishi. Tag to Storm, he gets Chops A Plenty. Tag to Brad Shaw. He's a HELL, TEXAN afire and takes out both Thtorm and Christian. He beats down Jericho, but Lanth hits a top rope kick that allows Jericho to get THE ROLLUP, THE ROLLUP for 2. Brad gets clubbered for a while, Christian is tagged in. He gets shitbeat, tags to Faarrooqq and Jericho. A "scrum" ensues, a ton of finishers are exchanged, Jericho gets pinned, but the ref is yelling at Lanth. Jericho somehow hits an offensive move and manages a pinfall.
Backstage, H3 says he's going out to the ring. ALONE? OMG!
GORGEOUS AND GRAND! Haha, the Black Hawk Down promo. The guy doesn't really say "RVD!", it's "RPG", which stands for "Rocket Propelled Grenade", I'm pretty sure. "RVD!" is funnier, though.
TIME TO PLAY TEH GAYME! Long entrance, as usual. Geez, that only took about 4 hours of my life. Tripple gets teh mic. And gets WHATed like he's some ordinary guy. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY. Haha, Triple H just got done explaining how everyone respects him, and someone just audibly shouted "YOU SUCK!" Eventually Steve comes out, and they eventually trade punches. Austin sells like a crazyman, and WIMBLEDONS a Pedigree, but Undartakar comes out to hit them both with chairs. THE END.
Final Thought: The last segment was 3 days of my life I'll never get back. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT.