Captain's Blog: Blarg.

Opening Promo: Joey: "Welcome.... to the *uninteligable* Arena in Cleveland!" Did they sell the naming rights to the Gund Arena? Okay, Obviously Very Well Dressed is in the ring, because he's gonna do one of those "call out the whole roster" spots. Eric's mad about the failures at SURSER! Nobody's coming out. So, he's about to go back to fire someone, when Butwait, When Your Pants Rip From Too Much Swaggering, You Have No Pants In Hell is out for his monthy humiliation of Eric Bischoff. Requisite WCW insult. I don't understand, nor do I care what this promo is about. Vince threatens to replace Eric with HERE COMES THE FUNNY LOL. My TV is acting like ass, so no pictures of the Shane0Mac Dance. And then nothing. And we're already 15 minutes done.

Commercials.

This shit is App-BUTWAIT WWE.COM EXCLUSIVE vs. Having Boyful Kompanions

Yes, this interview of Carlito insulting Michaels was very exclusive. We open with a slap. Punching. Michaels goes outside, and Carlito chokes him with his very ugly T-Shirt. They go back in, Carlito falls backwards with his knees on Michaels's back. Nice. Headlocks. They seem to have heat over RAW losing at Survivor Series. Running around. Hiptoss. Carlito does a Snapmare. More headlocks. Jerry: "Well, I tell you someone that may have seen their last Survivor Series!" Coach: "Don't say it!" Don't say Candlejack! Michaels crawls out, but Carlito tosses him. Michaels hangs on, comes back in, and Carlito just clotheslines him out again anyway. Haha. Carlito jumps on him. They go back in, Carlito goes apeshit with stomps and pound and grounds. Chops are exchanged. Suplex, Michaels gets a 2. Naptime, kipup, but Michaels knee goes cripply. Haha. Carlito baseball slides him while he's on the outside. Mock concern by the announcers.

Commercials.

Supposedly Carlito is working the knee. Clubberings. Michaels goes topside, but Carlito crotches him. Carlito goes up in pursuit, but gets knocked off. Elbowdrop. Sweet Chin Music fails, Carlito hits a DDT. Is THAT HIS MOVE? Should I CALL IT, TONY? I don't know. It gets 2. Shawn evades a suplex, fucks up another superkick, Carlito goes for something... Michaels worms out, hits the superkick, that's it. Oh, fuck. Fuck you, Shawn.

Backstage: Khurt and Khoshrow Khomplain to Eric.

Commercials. Todd tells us about his life on the mean streets on a town outside of New York, in order to advertise True Crime.

A BIG THANK YOU TO P.O.D. Let's see what happened at Survivor Series.

Backstage: Maria asks Eric if he thinks he's going to get fired tonight. Haha, he challenges her to face Kurt Angle.

Commercials.

Daivari gets the ALLEEAHHLEEAHH. Referee Chad Patten takes issue with Daivari, so Daivari beats him up and tosses him out of the ring. Kurt gives Maria a nice little hug. ANGLE SLAM! Almost an anklelock, but out comes YABBA DABBA DON'T DO DRUGS KIDS! WORD LIFE too late. Also, to beat him up comes QUIET! I'M WRESTLING SHITTILY! Eric's also out, to declare his goal is to see Cena tap out. Angle: *ROARING* Later, Masters and Kurt vs. Cena.

Commercials.

Bitches

Coach: "Torrie Wilson, kid!" God, this is pretty awful. Mickey James wins over Victoria with the Stratusfaction. THAT'S HER MOVE, CALL IT, TONY.

Commercials.

Backstage: Shane comes backstage to taunt Eric. Eric insults him. Shane threatens him with violence.

Backstage: Kurt and Khosrow massage and plot. Chris Masters comes in to muck up the plans to make Kurt Champion. Poor Coach keeps getting cut off before they cut to commercials.

Commercials. WWE went some places. Oh, I don't know how HBK is going to tolerate being called "God." Somewhere, there is Alex Wilkins's crotch.

Orlando Joradan Shelton Benjamin vs. A Very Lucrative Demographic

Lawler claims to not know much about The South. Shelton tosses Trevor, and jumps on him. Murdoch goes clubbering and stomping. More clubberings. Dragon whip! Shelton goes up, Trevor ducks, Brock Bottom! 2 count. Shelton up again, misses a sunset flip attempt, and gets elbowdropped. Nice recovery, if it was blown. Murdoch drop toe holds Shelton into the second rope, rollup, GRABBING THE TIGHTS, and gets the fucking win. Lawler has to pretend to be outraged by this injustice to the black man perpetuated by the southern whitey.

Backstage: HOLY SHIT TRIPLE H IS HERE AND HE'S BACKSTAGE AND HE'S WALKING AND CHEWING GUM AT THE SAME TIME THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN CAN DO ANYTHING!

Opening Promo: Bee Yourself, it's all that you can do gloats about murdering Ric Flair. Way to go overboard with your extreme hyperbole, Joey. Apparently Ric Flair bled more than Bill Alphonso and Steve Corino combined at Survivor Series, if you believe this I'VE NEVER SEEN exaggeration. Triple H advocates Ric retire. Some "Best Ever" hyperbole, when Butwait!, Well, it's the Big Haven't jobbed to HHH in while. Stairdown. Big Show is disappointed in what HHH did to Ric Flair. Someone in the crowd keeps ululating. Shades of Daivari. Big Show says Hunter is a piece of *crowd noise*. Hunter gets his rebuttal, but Big Show slaps the mic away from him. HHH flees and drops 235 gold.

Commercials. Todd gets the dating of American Thanksgiving correctly this time. He was a bit confused the previous week.

The Big Red Flow vs. Eliminating Babies by Goat-Ramming Women in the Stomach

When did Tomko and Snitsky become a team? Do I care? Kane boots Tomko as this match has already started. Snitsky comes in to Boot Kane. Why do I get the feeling this match is going to be all punching, choking, and big boots? Big Show tagged in, he goes apeshit. Sidewalk slam, powerslam on Tomko gets 2, interrupted by Snitsky. Kane sends Snitsky outside, splashes Tomko, Big Show goozles him, shitty-looking chokeslam, that's it.

Commercials.

These knuckleheads already got nicknames.

This is a submission match, I guess. Cena charges right in and gets clobbered. Haha. Coach says something about Cena's strategy being akin to 'bringing a knife to a gunfight.' Wasn't there an angle where Carlito stabbed him? Or was that Jesus? Who will never appear at Judgement Day now that he's fired. Cena manages to knock Masters out of the ring, Angle avoids an FU, and locks in the anklelock (no caps). Masters interrupts by putting Angle in the Masterlock. Angle: *roaring* Cena interrupts after about a year, and he and Masters trade punches. God, here's a matchup I've been looking forward to. Vertical suplex on Cena. Masterlock. After another year passes, Angle interrupts. Punching. Angle avoids a Masterlock. gets the anklelock. Cena's on the top rope, clotheslines Angle. A lot. Drops Angle on his ass. Cena turns invisible, but Masters kills him from behind. Heh. Masters beats Cena for a bit, Angle takes the straps down, and grabs a chair. Cena Van Stupidinators him, then clobbers Masters with the chair. STF? What the fuck. Cena wins, and looks like he's gonna cry with his ridiculous 'tough guy' face. Coach is very surprised that Cena can 'actually do a submission move.' Backstage: Some McMahons plot.

Final Thoughts: You know, it's neat that they make Angle like like a fearsome monster heel, but it really means absolute dick when he loses constantly to John Cena, who I'm sure HHH will beat in their first PPV matchup.