December 10, 2001, Anaheim, CA
Rebeaker: Sofa
Music.
Your overly dramatic opening promo is: Nothing. "IN UR I" plays, and fireworks explode.
Your host(s) are Jerry "Obvious Ratings Gimmick" Lawler and Jim "NOT A MUPPETT" Ross.
Tonight: Some people are at WWF New York.
Opening Promo: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays, and Ric Flair is out. He's here to award the UNDISTPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP to last night's winner, Christ Jericho. "Crotch Tunnel" plays, and Jericho (w/Crazy Jacket) hits the ring. Jericho has a list of people he'd like to thank. At the top is, of course, himself. He then thanks The Rock and Steve Austin for "being A-1 competitors." Jericho then thanks all of us, The little PPL. Jericho compares his career to a "Skyrocketing Supernova". OMG, NOVA IS THE MOLE. Jericho then thanks Vince McMahon for allowing him the opportunity. Lastly, Ric Flair is thanked. Jericho thanks him for coming out to present him the titles as promised, but then grants Ric Flair the honor of presenting him with the titles. Ric first presents the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP, and then the WWF Championship. Ric gets the mic and asks him how he feels, and then declares that Jericho will defend the titles tonight in a steel cage against Stone Cold Steve Austin.
HAS TONY HAWK GONE INSANE? WHAT, ANOTHER GAME EXACTLY LIKE THE LAST 2? INSAAAAANE!
BEHOLD, GANDALF THE WIZARD!
"Lugz Boot of the Week" is Rob's push being forever forgotten at the hands of the Undertaker last night.
Match: The (Anvil) Undertaker vs. I H8 SPIEK. RAW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY XBOX. Spike begins by throwing a ton of stuff in the ring, but Undertaker proves what a badass he is by CATCHING almost everything. Spike then climbs on the Motortryke and makes odd motions. Under goes outside and begins to clubber Spike on the post. Inside, Spike gets tied in the Tree of Woe, and JR acts like he's never seen the move before. Spike with a low blow, and then some assbeats with some trash can lids are exchanged. Under picks Spike up and then puts him back down? Then he GRINDS THE NOSE. Spike is picked up, and gets the Powarbomb onto a trashcan. 3 count. Still HardKORE champion, The Undertaker. Post Match Tomfoolerey: Spike gets picked up and CHOAKSLAMMED to the outside.
Backstage, Vince straddles in with Booker T-1000 at his side. Some hired thugs are leading this huge fucking dog. WILL STING GET BIT? Ric flair walks in and asks what Vince is doing. Vince tries to speak "Geto", and fails. Ric then tries to salvage all sanity by mentioning that he booked Jericho's match. Booka just keeps nodding and making hilarious expressions. Vince then books The Rock and Dodge Stratus vs. The Dudley Boyz for later. THINGS ARE HEETING UP!
"How High." IT'S LIKE CHEECH AND CHONG BUT WITH RAPPERS! GENIUS! SIGN ME UP!
Backstage, Vince and Booker T-1000 continue their hike to Vince's box Suite or something. They have doughnuts, a great view, and some girl named "Felicity" in their box seat.
Kurt "Entrance Music Remix" Angle is out for.. a match? Lawler squeals about 10 ten seconds after the pyro stops. Kurt is miffed he didn't win the UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP, and tells the crowd to SHUT UP WITH THE 'WHATS'. Kurt says he did this for what happened to Vince on Smackdown(!), something that shouldn't be shown again, which then prompts Kurt to cue the replay on the confusatron. Enter Rikishi. Whupping to start. Kurt then gets a badass Deutches Suplexen on Rikishi. Kurt begins a clubbering, but Rik fights him off, then gets a Samoan Drop. Kurt whups on Rik, then tries the Sunset Flip On Rikishi With Predicatable Results. Kurt gets assplashed into the corner, and Rik teases the FACE OF STINK, but Kurt ducks out of the ring and tries to exeunt. Rik wins by COUNT OUT, and JR says the ever-popular SCALDED DOG. Rik starts a-dancin', but Kurt runs in and clubbers him. Rik WIMBLEDONS it and then puts the FACE OF STINK on Kurt. Rik then dances again. Kurt then gets a chair and then hits Rikishi a few times with it. Up in Vince's Suite, Booka is bemused, and then Kurt's OLD Music starts up.
GOLDEN SUN COMMERCIAL.
Backstage, Buh Buh paces. D-Von asks what's wrong. Buh Buh is confounded that they are facing the UNDEFEATED team of The Rock and Dodge Stratus. But he was kidding the whole time, I guess. It's kind of funny, I have to guiltily admit. D-Von then does some more sarcasm, and Buh Buh probably says Dodge will go through a table. Oh, and Stac(e)y's there, too.
Backstage, Ric Flair watches TV, and LANCE STORM walks in in ring gear. Lance says he's too good for his chump jobs and wants to be a part of the WWF. Ric says no.
Backstage, Jon "AsianNightcrawler" Coachman interviews Edge. Jon tries to be cool, then Edge does a terrible impersonation of Regal. Regal then charges and clobbers Edge with the BRASS KNUCKLES OF ULTIMATE HORROR. YES.
Oh my god, Will Sasso is at ringside (LOOK OUT, BRET!), and he's wearing a Kaientai shirt. NEWFOUND RESPECT.
Backstage Ric tries to walk somewhere, but bumps into LANCE STORM! Lance still wants a job, Ric still says no.
"Generic RPG Music" brings out "Exploding" Steven Regal. The ref spends forever searching Regal. Regal takes the mic and yammers about what, I cannot tell, but THE AUDIENCE NEEDS TO STOP CHANTING 'WHAT' RIGHT NOW. "BOOM" hits, and Kane is Regal's opponent. Clubbering to start. Slow Back Body Drop to Regal. Regal then takes a fierce whupping. Kick to Kane, and Regal regains the advantage for a moment, but gets a sidewalk slam. Kane continues his clubbering. Regal goes outside. Kane goes up on the top rope but misses Regal. Regal nabs the BRASS KNUCKLES OF ETERNAL DAMNATION from ringside, but Kane ducks and tosses Regal back in the ring. Kane tries for a CHOAKSLAM, but Regal is able to reverse with the BRASS KNUCKLES. Up in Vince's Suite, Vince and Booka celebrate.
MISTER SULU COMMERCIAL!
BIP BEEP BOOP WORM COMMERCIAL!
I wish the Gundam nerds would shut up about their plastic robots.
SEMI-MAIN EVENT: The Dudley Boyz (wif I should really learn to spell her name) face The Rock and Dodge Stratus. Buh Buh taunts Dodge. The Rock and D-Von to start. D-Von gets a clubbering, then a back body drop. Then is clotheslined to the outside. Buh Buh gets one too. The Rock starts to Slamma the Dudz on the table, and then rolls Buh Buh over the table, but Buh Buh unfortunatley just barely misses breaking Lawler's legs. Buh Buh back in. JR almost makes an "Alice's Restaruant" refernce. Buh Buh eats a horrible samoan drop. Tag to D-Von. D-Von is clotheslined. The Rock tries again, but Buh Buh runs in and clotheslines him. The Rock then gets a neckbreaker. The doubleteam continues. The Rock gets double flapjacked, but The Rock EXPLODES out, according to JR. Lawler can't stop talking about boobs, somebody shoot me. The Rock is still woozy, and eats another neckbreaker. 2 count. SLEEPER to The Rock by Buh Buh. Rock comes out of it and D-Von gets a tag. D-Von is clubbered, but he comes back. Tag to Buh Buh. The Rock gets suplexed. Tag to D-Von. D-Von tries a clothesline, but The Rock ducks and Buh Buh eats it. Everyone falls asleep. They all wake up, and The Rock is TEARIN' UP. Buh Buh is thrown outside, D-Von in the Sharpshooter. Buh Buh saves, and then taunts Dodge. Rock gets him in the back of the head and does the PPLZ Elbow. D-Von breaks up the 3, but ends up elbowing Buh Buh. TAG TO DODGE. They do the WHAZZUP DRIZZOP to D-Von, who sells like a drowning fish. The same happens to Stacy/Stacey. Test runs out and makes the save, Dodge gets the Dudley Death Drop, and the Dudz retain the titles. Post Match Hijinx include Buh Buh getting a spinebuster, and The Rock getting TEH BOOT. Wacky Flutes play as Test leaves.
Flashback to Ric Flair booking the cage match for the UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP later tonight.
BEHOLD, GANDALF THE WIZARD!
"WWF Slam of the Week" brought to you by Playstation 2" is the continuing Hardy Boyz Saga.
Opening Promo is Vince addressing the crowd from Vince's Suite. Vince acknowledges that the "Vince McMahon Kiss My Sandwich Club" (sorry, EvilJon) club is closed. THANK YOU. Now, Vince is starting the "Vince McMahon Kick Your Sandwich Club". Vince runs down Ric Flair. Vince then introduces "Big Hollywood Star" Booker T-1000. Lawler is such a racist. Shot of Booka, then a bizzarre edit to Backstage, where Lita tries to reason with Matt Hardy. Lita claims she loves Matt, but Matt goes HEEL CRAZY and says they're broken up for the rest of the night. Jeef swoops in and comforts her poor acting skills. MACK, JEFF, MACK. And we're out.
"Tribal Drums" brings out Matt Hardy. Micheal Clarke Duncan pretends to choke Jerry Lawler at ringside. HARDER, DAMN YOU, DUNCAN, HARDER! He'll be facing the DREAM TEAM of Jeff Hardy and Lita. Clubbering to Jeff to start. Lita is distressed. Jeff is WHIPPED, then puts a clubbering to Matt. Charge, but Jeff eats a boot. To the outside, the Hardyz brawl and brawl. Back in, Jeff is pinned for a 2 count. Slam on the ropes to Jeff. Matt begins another beatdown, but Jeff SOMEHOW FINDS A WAY to come back. Somehow Legal Legdrop to the Crotch on Matt. Jeff tries an UHHH TWIST OF FATE, but it is WIMBLEDONED. Lita hits the Whatevercanrana to Matt while Jeff is on the outside. Lawler insults all women, AGAIN. Jeff tries a moonsault, which misses. Lita tags in, but Matt gets THE ROLLUP, THE ROLLUP and the win. Lita looks distressed, then goes to comfort Jeff.
Backstage, Ric Flair is saddened by this somehow, and then LANCE STORM walks in and demands a match. Ric is sick of Lance, I guess, so books a match for him anyway. If they're wishing to have anything original or not horribly predictable, it better not be the Pig Shoe.
WHAT'S TONY HAWK DOING? ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
Lance Storm! vs. How Predicable Can You Get. Lance tries a plancha to the outside on Shoe, but is thrown. Storm is clubbered and tossed around. Storm outside, then slides back in. Storm tries offense but gets shitbeat more. Shoe tries a BOOT, but Storm kicks the knee. KICK to Shoe, Storm goes up top. NICE missile dropkick, cover, Lance is tossed off at 2. Lance is CHOAKSLAMMED. The end.
Up in Vince's Suite, Vince and Booka plot. Felicity walks up to serve them... oh my god. Sandwiches. Booker T-1000's sensors detect that they might be a Stone Cold Steve Austin trap, and forces Felicity to try one. That was a productive segment, to be sure.
WHAT'S TONY HAWK DOING?! HIMSELF! Oh, that one ruled.
I'm surprised the announcers haven't yet pimped out the next Paper View which is like a month and a half away.
H3'S MY SACRIFICE BY U2! Don't worry kids, he'll be back keeping Jericho and Benoit and probably RVD and Booker in the midcard in no time. I'm especially bemused with how he wears his own T-shirts to the doctor's office. His training includes eating at what looks like a Denny's. YES.
Stone Cold Steve Austin Promo. Gods, he's got a "What?" shirt. Austin pimps the Sonic Drive-In. He cannot decide if he wants to beat up Jericho or Booker T-1000. STOP SAYING 'WHAT', AUDIENCE. I'M SERIOUS. This doesn't really go anywhere.
GOLDEN SUN COMMERCIAL.
BLEEPING WORMS COMMERCIAL!
At WWF New York: people.
Maine Event: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Christ Jericho. Oh, there's the Royal Rumble pimping, presented by FINAL FANTASY EXX. JR Ever so subtly mentions his sauce. Jericho stalls a lot. Austin gets impatient, and runs out of the cage to give him a whupping. Jericho is slammad into the announce table. Steve gets a chair, but Jericho climbs into the cage. Steve runs in. Press, Spastic Elbow Drop to Jericho. Chops a plenty by Steve. STOP CHANTING 'WHAT'. Jericho is whipped into the corner, but Jericho jumps and starts to climb the cage. Cool. Austin pulls him down. They trade clubberings. Jericho knocks Austin down, then EXPOSES THE TURNBUCKLE. Jericho is slammad into the cage. Austin starts to climb up, but then comes back down to give Jericho more clubberings. Chops a Plenty to Austin. Austin teases getting a Liontamer on Jericho, then KICKS THE CROTCH. Whips, Austin hits a charging clothesline, as Raven cries. Austin gets bulldogged, Jericho gets the Lionsault on him. Jericho starts to climb up, but at the last minute Steve pulls him back in. Chops a plenty on Jericho, as they both walk the top rope. Jericho is crotched on the turnbuckle, and then recieves a superplex. Jericho starts to crawl to the door. Austin grabs Jericho's leg, thus prompting an enziguri. Jericho tries crawling out again, and almost makes it. Steve grabs his leg again, and Christ gets a STUNNAH on Austin. Jericho then starts to crawl out AGAIN, but Austin crawls over and grabs him again. Jericho is repeatedly slammad into the cage. Austin then further EXPOSES TEH TURNBUCKLE, then slammas Jericho's head into the EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE. STOP SAYING 'WHAT'. Jericho eats a BIG TIME beating. Austin is about to leave through the door, but a really bloody Jericho taunts him. Steve comes back and give Jericho the STUNNAH, as THAT DAMN BOOKER T runs out and slams the cage door on Austin's head. Jericho crawls out the door and gets the win to retain his UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP. Up in McMahon's Suite, Vince cackles madly as Christ Jericho saunters off. Star Trek is on. Oh man, Murdoch (Murdock?) from The A-Team is on.
Final Thought: I need Nilla Wafers. MEOWTH DAT'S RIGHT.