Star Trek: Arguing about the number of lights for 2 hours up in that Cardie Crib. I turned on my TV this afternoon and swore. Stupid Captain Shawshank Redemption Warden.
"In Memory of Ray Traylor" I don't say it often, as usually someone in wrestling dies every week and I have no idea who they are, but Ray Traylor will really be missed. He was a shitty worker, but I'll be damned if he wasn't involved in some of the most awesomely insane angles ever. Despite being hung at Wrestlemania 15, he went on to cook some dogs and drag some coffins. And now he's driving that Bluesmobile up into the sky.
Grooing? No po'ing one out. Boo.
Opening Promo: Quark's One Cousin Who Owns the Moon is out to yell and book a lot of matches. Notably, Orton vs. Batista. If Orton doesn't win, he will not face HHH. For a rebuttal, here's My Logo Is Now Even More Nazi-esque. Hunter will face Shelton Benjamin tonight. Sign: "H BEE KAY". That's how I spell "BEE ARR BEE". I thought HHH was going to talk about Orton, but instead he's just rambling about how awesome he is. HHH mocks the heavyset fellow in the Royals jersey. He's in enough suffering as it is, Hunter. KC is worse than Detroit, folks. That's just sad. Hunter doesn't want the fans deciding the matches on Taboo Tuesday. He apparently hates the fans. This entertaining diatribe is interrupted by The Bee Slayer. Shelton snatches the mic from Hunter and instructs Triple to stop all the bitching. Shelton wants his match right now. HHH cheap shots him, and I guess we's underway.
Shelton with a clubbering, and immediately takes it to Triple. Hunter with a clothesline, but Shelton kips up! Punchery in the corner from Mr. B. Whip, Shelton charges, but Hunter throws him into the post. Everyone's asleep. Cue commercials.
Commercials. Spike TV. They've got CSI! ...and a lot of other shows they don't care about.
HHH has Shelton in various head/armlocks. Shelton kips up out of an armlock, but Huntar clubbers him back down. Shelton manages to make it to the top turnbuckle.. armdrag! Nice. Sleepyspot. Enzugiri from Benjamin! Whip, back body drop! Northen Lights Suplex gets 2! Awesome. Powerslam also gets 2 for Mistar Benjamin. More punchery. Triple with some kicks, sets up the Pedigree, but Shelton reverses into a Russian Legsweep! Shelton up top... flying clothesline. JR called it a Bulldog. HHH in the corner, Shelton Splash! Triple rolls to the outs, and Shelton sends him into the steps. Triple grabs the belt and hits Shelton with it. Dairy Queen. HHH then attacks the ref, and JR pretends he'll be fined for it.
Last Monday, they picked the worst girl to win the Diva Search. Stay tuned for the "Diva Initiation Party." This shit just won't leave me alone.
Commercials. Big Show was Tagged and Released in this No Mercy ad. Simon Dean: "Chances are, you're fat!" A fatty is hilariously caught in the act of eating fried chicken. "Fitno-powder"? "Even though I don't like you, Simon says I believe in you!"
The Brotherhood of Evil Nerds vs. Didn't Rhyno cut a really racist promo on Tajiri in ECW?
Tajiri starts with Rosey. Rosey tosses Yoshi around for a bit, Tajiri gets a kick, and Rosey tosses him again. Tag to Rhyno, whom JR calls "The Manbeets" Rhyno charges Rosey, but can't knock him down. They repeat this spot a couple times. Rhyno hilariously stamps his foot. Rhyno takes him down finally. Tag to Hurricane. Pose, "Whassupwithdat!", hilarious uppercut! Tajiri(?) yells some things in Sounds of Japanese People. I honestly think he was yelling gibberish, as I didn't catch a syllable of it. A bit of scrum ensues, Rhyno sets up Hurri for the Goar, but Greg sends him into the post. Hurri and Tajiri have a small exchange, which ends with Rosey coming in with the tag, sidewalk slam, and that is it.
Backstage: Todd Grisham calmly sits and chats with a somber Kane. How out-of-character.
Commercials. More Debate stuff. Is "ABC News Now" some crazy satellite channel? I'll have to consult TNM, my local Satellite provider.
Flashback to the whole Lita/baby fiasco. They display the one line Snitsky said with actual acting inflection.
Backstage: Todd interviews Kane. Lita is 'in shock.' Turns out Demonspawn was going to be a boy. Kane promised to murder Gene Snitsky in revenge.
Smackdown Rebound: Former Ministry Rumble. And, Mark Jindrak used his NCAA violence on Big Show and Eddie. Here's the tranquilizer gun. Haha.
Backstage: Regal and Benoit talk about how awesome Benoit is. BUTWAIT, Eugene comes in with scissors, and they have a dangerously hilarious moment.
Commercials.
Sofa Spelled Me Right vs. Theme Music: "Sounds of Penises"
Snitsky starts with stompery on Venis, whom JR calls a "World-class Superstar". More stompery. The crowd chants "Baby Killer" at Snitsky. Ugh. Headlock on Venis. Val's panties say "Livin' Large". JR claims Val has a lot of respect for Lita, "AND FOR LIFE." Haha. Pro-Life Val. Maybe he's back in the RTC. Money Shot is dodged, Snitsky with the vaguely powerslam-esque move for the win.
Wrestlemania 21 is sold out.
Commercials. Marilyn Manson covered "Personal Jesus"? That makes less sense than Johnny Cash covering it.
WWE Rewing: Orton ressurected himself to defeat everyone in the world last week.
Opening Promo: Here's Scott Hall Drives a Mean Asylum Bus. Ric's here to say that when Orton became champion, he became 'great.' I guess all champions are 'great.' David Arquette joke goes here. Flair disses everyone from Bret Hart, to Mick Foley, to Hulk Hogan. Flair says Orton will never be a "Legend Killer." Here's The Title Belt's Credibility Killer to tell Flair that he's no longer a legend, just HHH's minion. Wow. That was actually a really good promo, and I'm actually impressed with Orton. If only because everyone knew that was pretty much true about Flair.
Commercials.
Team The Internet Thinks We're Homosexual vs. Team Exact Opposite Amounts of Talent
Walking Tall of the Week: Christian slaps around Michaels last week.
Clusterfuckery to start. Michaels is in the ring first. Tomko bowls him over, and I guess this is officially underway. Christian tagged in, some offense, back to Tomko. Tomko whips HBK, but gets kicked. Tag to Jericho. Jericho sends Christian flying, then drop toe holds Tomko into the second rope. Jericho and Michaels with a doubleteam clothesline on Tomko, then they doubleteam toss Christian out of the ring.
Commercials.
We're back, and Tomko has a 2 count on Jericho. Tag to Christian. Some offense, tag back to Tomko. Jericho gets a really messed up sunset flip for 2. Sleepyspot. Jericho tries to tag, but Christian interrupts. Christian tagged in, cover, 2. Headlockery. Jericho powers out with elbows, but Christian whips him and clobbers him. Tag to Tomko. Corner chokes. Jericho with a kick to the back of the head. Another sleepyspot. Tags all around. Michaels gives both Christian and Tomko the business. Atomic drops all around. 10-punches on Tomko in the corner. HBK clotheslines Tomko to the outside, and JR calls Christian "Jericho" about 3 times. Chrstian hits HBK from behind, and sets up the Unprettier, but Jericho runs in to attack and Lionsault. Sweet Chin Music on Tomko, but Christian runs in from behind to get THE ROLLUP and grabs the ropes for THE WIN! Nice.
Backstage: Batista was sick of hearing about how Orton was "The future of wrestling", too. Wow. We have so much in common. Except I don't have "Angel" tattoed in kanji on my arm. No wonder he was a deacon. He and HHH snarl for a bit about Orton.
Commercials.
What da hell?!: Regal and Eugene have a bunch of weirdos in the ring to represent the stipulations for the Eugene/Bischoff match at Taboo Tuesday. One is dressed as a Butler. He's wearing Mitch's gloves from ECW. If anyone but me (or JOSH) remembers Mitch, then I won't feel so bad about this reference. Another is in a dress. It's not Perry Saturn, either. Now Eugene is going to cut this guy's hair. Eric Bischoff thankfully interrupts. He says NOTHING important.
BIG TIME CONFERENCE about Taboo Tuesday happened.
Commercials. Christian vs. HBK next week.
More Timewasting: Here's Trish, Gail Kim, and Molly Holly. Introducing Christie or whoever. She's "Full of Energy" and a "Fiery Redhead" and I'm already so sick of her. Oh, I nodded off. They have Carmella on the Huge-0-Tron. I guess Carmella turned heel, "There's not a man alive who would pick you over me." Christy has the worst 'I'm appalled' expression on her face. The heels beat/strip down Christy/Christie/Kristy. Whatever. She then gets the mic and says she's happy to be stripped down. JR: "You go, girl." I need some pink stomach liquid.
Backstage: Ric Flair contemplates, and Batista bounds around.
Commercials.
On Par With Other Holders of this Belt, Such as Vince Russo vs Kill Kill Destroy
Batista with a clubbering on the outside and inside of the ring. Bootchokes on Orton in the corner. Stomping. Clothesline, more stomping. Standing on Orton's head. Punch to the back of Orton's head. Orton gets a suckerpunch on Orton. Batista charges, but hits post. HHHere comes HHH. Orton turns to look, so Batista attacks. Orton reverses it into.. something, and covers, but HHH interrupts the count. I guess this is no DQ. No Blizzards. Orton fights them both off for a second, but HHH DDTs him and gets a chair. BUTWAIT, here's Ric Flair. He grabs the chair, stares at HHH, and then kicks Orton square in the groin. Chairshot. Baconbomb. Batista is your winnah. Evolution poses. Flair stands on Orton. MXC time.
Final Thoughts: This doesn't look like a good week. RAW wasn't too bad at all, though. Hey, there's Geek LeDouche. Meowth, that is correct.