Star Trek: The Pokemon where Brock taught Totodile how to mack was on.

Grooing. I paused the tape to catch my bearings, and I stopped on Kane sucking the marrow from Lita's teeth. Lovely.

Opening Promo: There's a steel cage in the ring, and The Great Gazoo is in it, wearing a suit. What a horrible joke. Trippa H faces Eugene inside the cage later. Eric sez that if anyone (Regal) interferes later, there are... consequences, which I forgot specifically what they are. I'm sure JR and Lawler will repeat them 100 times during the buildup for me. Moving on to other bidness: Edge was injured, and will be out 4-6 weeks. Edge has been stripped of the Intercontinental Title, BUTWAIT, it's I Should Have Hired Tyson Dux. Christian says that the peeps will be 'rioting in the streets' if Eric doesn't hand the title over to him. BUTWAIT, here's So Long Crotch Tunnel. I'm po'in' one out for the tunnel here. Jericho challenges Bischoff to book him vs. Christian for the IC title tonight. However, Eric moves it to Unforgiven. THIS SUNDAY ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW. Jericho wants to let the crowd decide what type of match for Unforgiven. Steel Cage? (crowd noise). Christian doesn't like it. If he were to get injured, his peepulation would DIE. Christian: "They're not booing, they're saying 'boo-yeah.'"

New Paragraph, I'm about to pencil Jericho in on my shitlist, too. They finally agree on a Ladder Match. Beetdown on Christian commences by Jericho. No Wacky Nickname For Tomko makes the save. The end. Up next, tag team insanity.

Commercials. Cough.

Buncha Faces vs. Buncha Heels

Benoit and Flair tie up to begin. Chopfest. Flair Flop! Tag to Grenier and Tajiri. Tajiri with a kickstravaganza. Tries a sunset flip, fails, and NAILS Grenier from behind with a kick. Cover, mayhem ensues. It's a scrum. We'll be back with more of this junk.

Commercials. Cena sez I have lots to learn. About pulling the R Trigger on my Gamecube.

We're back taped, and Flair is chopping Regal in the corner. Regal counters with his insane punching. Back body drop on Flair. Shoulderblock. Rhyno tagged in, punching. Clothesline, Rhyno starts strutting around all insanely like Flair. He's still Ichiban this week. Flair tags in Batista, who is a Deacon-afire. Big ol' Pinebuster. Conway is tagged in. Maybe I should turn up my volume, because I swear that JR just called him a "French Diplo-masher." Rhyno is getting tossed around. Tag to Grenier. Press, Rhyno kicks out at 2. Lawler points out the ridiculousness of the crowd chanting "U-S-A" when Rhyno is the only American on the face team. Flair is tagged in. He and Rhyno trade chops, Ric knocks Rhyno down, Conway tagged in again. Beatuppery, Flair tagged back in. Kneedrops ensue. Sleepyspot. Benoit tagged in, he's going apeshit. Wolverineshit. Suplexes all around. Batista gets GOARed. Insanity all around. Diving Headbutt on Conway, Sharpshooter follows, Conway taps. That wasn't bad at all.

We flashback to last week's Diva Search. Hey, there's the hilarious bleepings. Car horns, banana peel slipping noises and slide whistles. Kane's 'I've got a match later' graphic is funny, because all Lita does is clutch her fat tummy.

Commercials. Glorf.

Stingy Smackdown Rebound: Angle vs. Eddie didn't disappoint. In that I expected to be disappointed.

Backstage, Todd interviews Randy Orton. Orton calls HHH "The Mighty God of RAW." I wonder if Orton will start screaming "GLASS CIELING" for no reason later.

Backstage Lita and Trish have a little argument. Hah, Lita says that 'you can hear it festering now' in regards to Lita's fetus. Nidia walks up and is all "Sounds of Mexican People." Trish compliments her German, and Nidia throws her Kool-Aid on Trish. Oh, Rockadile Red is a tough stain. JR totally oversells their upcoming match.

Commercials. Boof.

Fluent in Puerto Rican vs. Bodacious Berry

Knockdowns. Stuff in the corner. Nidia clotheslines Trish. Thrown from the ring. Trish rolls her back in and gets a couple of 2 counts. Stompery. Trish tries for the Dudley Dawg, but Nidia with THE ROLLUP for 2. Nidia gets THE WORST CLOTHESLINE EVER. How do you fuck up a clothesline? Suplex with a bridge from Nidia! 2. Counting punches. Trish rips Nidia's top or something, causing her to fumble with her beastly chest for a bit, allowing a distraction, Trish fucking kicks Nidia in the back of the head, dat's it. Trish vs. Victoria at Unforgiven.

Backstage, HHH and Eric scheme. Eugene is schemed against. So is Randy Orton.

Commercials appears. Command?

Sting of the sting: Everyone but Eugene won last week.

Not Qualified For Bashir's Squad vs. Huntarded

JR didn't have to say "SquareEnix" like an AzN when describing Star Ocean. Stomping. Eugene is all clausterphobic of the cage or something. He goes punch crazy on Hunter. Clotheslines, atomic drop. Eugene tries to leave the cage via the door, but Hunter rushes up. Triple is punded into the walls. Eugene into the Tree of Whoa, and is all bloodied. HHH throws him around for a bit. More clubbering. HHH puts the sleeper on Eugene. Gene throws him into the wall. Sleepyspot. Eugene going for the door again, but HHH grabs him back in. Pedigree. HHH with a shoulder-wrenching move off the top turnbuckle. HHH just walks out. More arm injuring stuff.

Commercials. Hey, good thing that dude used Clearasil before his internet girlfriend met him at the airport.

STMLAR of what just happened.

Backstage, Cochman is all asmirk. Edge is his guest. Coach calls him "Edger." That's about all this was good for.

Backstage, Kane jaws at Lita about HBK. He has a VCR all cued up to describe what happened to put HBK out of action. That's an elaborate setup to have an argument with your wife, I have to say.

JR and Lawler have grave words for us. "Shawn Michaels as we have never seen him before!" Instant Gay Joke Machine: "Straight?!" Haha, I'm glad I bought that with my college fund.

Backstage, Jericho meanders.

Commercials. Evk informs me that Cena's claim that in Day Of Reckoning you "make your way up to Velocity" is RONG, because the game doesn't even have Velocity.

Clearasil Rewing: Jericho was ATTAXed by Christian last week.

I already got a terrible nickname vs. I was already refused a nickname

Classic clubbering. Shufflyfeet already? If this match goes 2 minutes, I'm thanking my lucky stars. JR says "ruptured groin" with the most flair I've ever heard attached to that phrase. Jericho with some clotheslines. Slap. Kick. Jericho turning Tomko over for the walls, here comes Christian with a ladder. Jericho is distracted, attax, cover, 2. Jericho back up, dodges a slam, Tomko fucks up the enzugiri spot, Jericho covers, but Christian is distracting the ref. Jericho knocks him down, but walks into Tomko's not really a Samoan Drop for the loss. They beat up Jericho with the ladder afterwards. Diva Search next. Someone help me contain my boredom.

Commercials. HARR.

There's Stacy Kiebler. What an awful outfit. Wasn't anyone eliminated last week? I forgot. They have arm wrestling this time around thrilling. Stacy confuses their names. Haha. Chili was thrown. Amy is gone. What a shame. She was an Illinois farmgirl, I learn. They get backgrounds and personalities only after they get eliminated. Maybe she was on TNM's farm before he died on his way to Oregon.

Promo for "Mr. Benjamin." Shelton. Mr. Black Man.

A Whole Pound of Rape vs. I prefer "smart mark"

We start with a stairdown. Kane chases Orton around. JR calls Kane a "World Class Athlete." Haha. Orton pokes Kane in the eye, but Kane gets a crossbody. Going outside, Kane grabs a chair. Lita tries to take it away from him, but Kane chides her. Orton immediately low blows Kane, and gets a Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen. BUTWAIT, Eric Bischoff comes out and declares that this match will continue as a steel cage match.

That's a cue for commercials.

We're back, and HHH is at ringside. Kane is clubbering Orton all over the place. Satarded Whip into the corner, clothesline. More choking and punching. Orton counters with could it be?! Punching of his own! Kane knocks him down with a right. Covers, 2. Even more choking. Or is this a facelock? HHH yells at Orton. Or whoever. It's boring, regardless. Orton powers back up, and elbows Kane in the face. Punch! Kane tears Orton apart with a clothesline. Here's this whole match, in BASIC:

10 Kane beats the shit out of Orton for a while.

20 Choking.

30 Orton briefly regains the advantage with some punching.

40 Kane beats the shit out of Orton.

50 GOTO 10

Oh, this time Orton knocks Kane down, and then tries to climb out of the cage. Kane gets the zombie situp and pulls him down. Orton grabs a chair that I assume Lita tossed to him, (thx cameraman) and CLOBBERS Kane with it. RKO! HHH is FURIOUS. Orton tries to come out the door, and does, despite HHH's attempt at interference. Here's Dave and Flair. Evolution beetdown. Oh, but Orton grabs the chair and chases them all off. Meanwhile, Kane wakes up. Orton tries to escape the cage over the top, and does. Now back to the all-WEEK CSI marathon. Ugh.

Final Thoughts: This show really went down the shitter after the first 40 minutes. That tag match was the best thing I've seen on RAW in a while, though.