Captain's Blog: So, JG asked me to do RAW due to algebra, even though I theoretically couldn't get it done any faster than him. And, as it turns out, the show looks awful. JG Wins Again! Still, I get to see Carlito just one more time.
In other news, as much as I loathe Jimmy Kimmel, he does seem to have good guests. This year alone, he's played host to Grover, and Happatai. I'm not saying I'm going to start watching, oh no. And if you tell me you don't like Grover, I'll get very angry.
Pre-RAW: Maybe a Vengaence recap thing.
YOU GET THE HUGS, THE PUGS, HE'LL EVERYONE'S GRUDGE YOU
Our hosts are Before You Die You See The King, DAAAAH, I HEARD THAT, and Moxious!
Opening Promo: Is it true what they say about Olympic Gold Medalists? Oh, It's True, It's True, fresh from his defeat! Perhaps the WWE realized how weird JR and Lawler have become and decided to throw Coach into the mix to sane them up a bit. I guess Angle and HBK had another good match at Vengeance. But did they have anal sex again? Angle is after Batista. But, instead of Batista, we get I'm Sorry, Miss Jackson... WHOO! Angle: "Ric, why are you out here? What's the deal? Is Triple H gonna come out and babble for 20 minutes, and you're gonna stand behind him and smile?" They exchange shooty comments about how talented Angle is. The word 'mark' is said. Somewhere, I can hear EvilJon yelling at his TV. Yes, 2 and a half days later. They get into an argument, and sort of challenge each other to a match. Flair has crazy enunciation on 'testi-CALLS.' WHOO-fight.
Commercials.
Lawler has nothing better to do right now than look at WWE.com.
Backstage, at Vengeance: Christian and Chris Jericho argue about whose fault it is Cena won. On RAW, Tomko, Christian, and Jericho go against Cena and Two Mystery Partners. Haha, there's the Giovanni graphic in the "later tonight" picture.
It Wasn't My Herpes! vs. Blech
Kane's partner will be our first Smackdown draftee. Which doesn't even really matter, as Kane and Edge fight into the crowd and out of the match as soon as it starts, leaving Snitsky to wander around and snuffle and snort. Out wanders KAH-RA-TE, Spongebob! to announce our newest draft pick, THERE IS NO ESCAPE, SOFA. Knowing my luck, The Big Show will be drafted back to Smackdown on Thursday, even though I've already read the spoilers. Big Show will just transcend those spoilers and project images of himself punching and chopping for tens of minutes on end into my mind. Ahem. Anyway. You'll never guess that this match involves lots of punching and chopping. God, even in fast-forward, it's in slow-motion. Suplex! Clothesline! Chokeslam.
Commercials. Juiced dude lost a bet to some PUNK. Maybe CM Punk. Or Shannon Moore.
Backstage: Vapid Whore LOL attempts to interview THERE IS NO ESCAPE SOFA You Can't Tolerate Me, but forgets here question. I wonder if Lilian Garcia even realizes they have a parody of her running around. Cena introduces one of his partners, Holy Bisexual Koverup. Their other partner is some big-name.
This would be good for Hooker's Caption Contest, actually. Someone get on that. Not me.
Backstage: More whores.
Backstage: Grouper and Groupie run to their locker room to retrieve their junk as they make to escape. Lita goes inside while Edge stands guard, Butwait, Is Kane Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch? is already in there! He snorts too much for me to make out clearly what he says as he chokes her. And then leaves after threatening her. Dude, you're choking her. I don't think it gets clearer than that.
Commercials. Casino Cinema has yet another dude I've never heard of. Are we really shocked here?
Mastershlock Challenge: How Mad-Magazine of me. Out to answer Masters' 14,000 dollar challenge and eat some racist insults is I Spit in the face, of people who don't want to be green. He starts out with the nasty-looking kicks, plus a tarantula! Masters must have seen a Tajiri match before, as he ducks the IMPTHOKK, and PASTES Yoshi with an elbow in the back of the head coming off the handspring. Masterlock, and Tajiri doesn't even last as long as Sgt. Slaughter. Pff. Masters demands respect from Tajiri, but ends up getting green mist. Haha. Nice oversell of the mist, at least. I don't even think Coach went that far.
Backstage: Whores again.
Commercials.
Raw Rewing: Carlito retains at Vengeance.
Cabana: Apple ][e reminds us we won't be hearing Fozzy on the Cabana. Thank god. Jesus, the Godfather was at Vengeance? And I thought this show couldn't get much worse. No offense to Carlito, of course. Carlito's guest is the last Smackdown refugee. "I mean, after drafting Carlito, you can only go down." So, let's bring out Re! Spect! Limp! Carlito remarks that the last time they met was at One Night Stand. RVD possibly calls Carlito gay. Oh, be nice. Rob goes on and on about how different his style is from the rest of the WWE. Carlito: "That's cute, that's real cute. But the truth is, you're still injured." *PUNCH* JR: "CHEAP SHAAAHHHHT!" Carlito takes off the knee bracer and kills Rob's knee. Apple mist! Carlito, as he's leaving, to somebody in the crowd: "I like your shirt." He really did say that.
I'm going to miss you, friend.
Let's pimp Vengeance again. It seems Coach announced that, too.
Commercials.
Something Brought to You by Something: Viscera refuses Lilian Garcia's marriage proposal in favor of Godfather's Hos. Yikes.
Indecisive About Straps vs. 16-time Champion 2-time WV-15 Finalist
JR started yelling about career accolades. Flair still isn't Vader, however. Christ. Lockups, takedowns, whooing. Angle charges Flair, but is sent to the outside when Flair ducks. Chops. More lockups. Various foul play with slaps and face-stretching. Eye-thumbing. European uppercuts from Angle in the corner. To the outside, stairs and such. Chopping. Belly2belly on the outside from Angle!
Commercials.
We're back as Angle has Flair in an Arm-BAR. It seems Angle hurt the arm during the break. Punching. To the outside, more chopping. Back in the ring. Whip, backbodydrop. Cover, 2. STF! But Flair bites Angle's thumb. Angle breaks the hold and yells at the ref. Flair goes back to the thumb, then they punch more. Elbow drops, knee drops from Flair. Flair up top. Coach: "This, now this, fellas, has never worked." Lawler: "What?" Angle charges, Flair knocks him down, Angle charges again, and goes for a superplex. But Flair just kind of falls to the ground. Back in the ring, Angle Slam! 2! Anklelock. Flair rolls, and grabs Angle in the Testicular Claw. Angle lets go, and gets clawed again. Chopblock knocks Angle down. Nutshot, Figure Four! Angle turns it over, but Flair turns it back! Angle finally reaches the ropes. Chops. German suplex! JR: "Back suplex." Angle tries to roll into another one, but gets a foot in his crotch. Flair gets a NICE vertical suplex for 2, and the crowd seemed surprised by Angle kicking out. Flair picks Angle up, but Angle kind of rolls it through into an anklelock! Flair finally taps out after attempting to reach the ropes. Nice match. Angle limps away triumphantly, with a smile on his face and a hand on his balls.
Smackdown Letdown: Undertaker couldn't be bothered to show up to be named a challenger for the Smackdown Championship.
Commercials.
Diva Search Naptime: Coach introduces last year's winner, Didn't Victoria Kill Me? who just stands around and does nothing as Coach introduces the women who will be boring JG for weeks to come. Christy tries to tell them how great being a Diva is, but Coach mentions Victoria randomly hitting you in the back of the head with a bottle as one of the job perks. They're about to get 30 seconds to introduce themselves, Butwait, out waddles Mark Henry Redux. He doesn't actually contribute much. Let's introduce our divas. I'll say their names, even though I'll forget them next week. They're also required to strip. Ashley is the female John Cena, I guess. She's sorta GANGSTA. Here's Derek and the Dominoes. I mean, "Leyla". She's not wearing underwear, so she won't strip. Up next is Summer. God, she looks really, really frightening. Kristal gives Lawler an orgasm as she takes her pants off. Elisabeth has our obligatory southern accent. The crowd boos, because of her small chest? I don't know. Simona is Italian-American. Cameron is our obligatory brunette. Alexis is the HEEL of the bunch. She doesn't even strip! Viscera tries to get them to dance. On top of him. Butwait: Well, at least I was never a Cobra Sympathiser is out to announce a Diva Search Obstacle Course next week. Bikini Boot Camp.
God, I feel so much stupider for having recapped that.
Commercials.
Backstage: Todd Grisham interviews This Shit Is BananaBomb about Hell in a Cell. Batista thinks he lost part of his career in that match.
Backstage: The Chrises and Tomko speculate who HBK called. Christian says that Janetty is in jail. Is that true? Nash is mentioned. Jeicho: "Wait, Nash would tear a hamstring just picking up the phone." Hah, that was a admittedly funny. Tomko thinks it could be... *trails off...*
Commercials.
White Canadian, Levitating Potato, and Mr. Accessory vs. UGH
God, Christian has a really crazy outfit.
Cena gets the mic. Apparently the Champ is present. Cena disses not-Lilian Garcia and takes over announce duties. HBK then takes his turn to introduce Take your vitamins, Drink your milk, have young guys job to you every time you appear. Commercials.
Commercials.
JR instructs us to call people up and tell them Hogan's do two moves tonight. Cena and Jericho are doing stuff. Tag to Michaels. Atomic drop to Jericho, one to Christian. Dropkick from Jericho gets 2. Tomko tagged in after some nonsense. Powerslam gets 2. Christian in now. Neckbreaker for 2. Punching in the evil corner. Jericho in, sleeper. Whip, knee to Michaels' face. Taunting. Christian in, he does NOTHING but tag Tomko. Stomping. Jericho in, chop. Bulldog, Michaels dodges the lionsault Naptime. Tags to Hogan and Tomko. Hogan is a Ronald McDonald impersonator afire. Jericho, Cena, and HBK fight to the outside while Hogan has his way with Christian and Tomko. Michaels in, Subparkick to Christian. Meanwhile, to Tomko: Boot, legdrop. Blech. Coach is speechless with anger. Hogan love-fest takes us out.
Final Thoughts: Well, it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be, but that was only because of such heroic efforts by Angle, Flair, and Carlito.