Captain's Blog: The Animated Series: I'm in my blog, writin' nothin'

Pre-RAW: Backstage: I'm in ur base, poopin' my pants. He and Shane managed to beat Shawn and God last night. "Much like God," Vince is takin' the night off. Let's meet tonight's general manager(s), the Pep Boys. Manny, Moe-y, and, uh.. Manny, Manny, and Manny. I was hoping for Raw Roulette. That's like letting God book, though, so I guess Vince won't wanna do that. They book various things. Kenny vs. Cena. Also, a cheerleader match with womens.

You get the hugs.

Opening Promo Match: Cheerbitches. Victoria is apparently not happy about this. She and Mickie James are facing Maria (w/Zebrahead music, yeh) and Torrie Wilson. After a horrendous stinkface spot, Trish manages to interfere and allow Mickie to lose.

Commercials.

Manny bein' Manny. And Manny. vs. THREE YOUNG LIONS

3 of the Spirit Squad get on the mic and proclaim that they're gonna have a match. With Eugene, Snitsky, and Goldust. Let's Go Back to Backlash, where Eugene did some gross stuff to Matt Stiker. Mikey(?) and Goldust do shitloads of hiptosses. Tag to Eugene. Some nonsense. Cut to Backstage, where Vince enacts one of his weekly fantasies with Candice Michelle. Tag to... Mikey? Okay, who was in before? I don't think the announcers know. Whip, Eugene catches himself on the ropes, but Johnn kicks him on the apron. PACK'A WOLVES on the outside as Snitsky yells at the ref. A PACK'A WOLVES is a pack of that old White Wolf Collectible Card Game. Okay, I'll shut up now. Eugene rolls back in the ring, Rock Bottom. Tag to Snitsky, he's a toe-suckin' dude afire. Johnny tagged in after Snitsky is killed, and I guess Eugene is in now, too. Stunnar, no... Jumping roundhouse kick, this finishes it, as the rest of the Spirit Squad dropkick everyone else.

Commercials. Yeah, I'm on the first bus to Kamloops to see Smackdown. FOLLOW YOUR NOSE

During the Break WWE.com exclusive: Was this a while ago? Mickie DDT'd Maria.

Backstage: Todd asks Eugene what it felt like to lose. Eugene goes off on Bischoff, when Requisite Interruption: An Oracle in Final Fantasy Tactics randomly runs by to nail Eugene with a dictionary. Because Oracles use dictionaries in Final Fantasy Tactics. Listen, you're putting up with my nerditry tonight if you like it or not.

This Week In Wrestling History: McMahon narrates how he defeated Michaels and God last night. With the help of the Spirit Squad. High Spirits through the table, awesome.

Backstage: Shawn mopes with Big Show, when The Spirit Squad walks in to taunt him. He has to special guest ref the upcoming match between Rob Conway and Kane. While wearing his special referee shirt, a yellow shirt with "May 19th" printed all over it. Jesus, this is awesome. They walk away. Big Show: *starts to speak but is interrupted by commercial*

Commercials.

Just Look at Me Job vs. EYES IN THE DARK MAY 19th CIRCLES (w/ special guest referee) Jobbin' 4 Jesus

Pre-Match, we see at Backlash that Kane was haunted by more telepathic messages at Backlash. Shawn Michaels gives Conway a low blow (har har), and puts the May 19th shirt on him. Conway is out of the ring when Kane enters, and kills him. "MAY 19th" chant. In the ring, match starts, murder. Conway tries to escape, but Michaels throws him back in the ring. Michaels goes to get a garbage can, and nonchalantly passes it to Kane. Garbage can shot. Chokeslam, after forcing the shirt off Conway. Shawn Michaels backs off all sheepishly. Kane starts to take his leave, but Shawn gets a mic and starts yelling "MAY 19th" into it. Kane freaks out, and Shawn makes like Conway said it. Duh. Tombstone on Conway, pin. Kane's pretty stupid.

Commercials.

Opening Promo: ORALE! VIVA LA AMERICANISTA IMPERIALISTA is in the ring, to introduce this match.

THREE MINUTES AND I'M GETTIN' NO HEAT HERE vs. Jobber

Wow, the crowd really could not give a shit less than they are. EAT ATTACK. Choking flip thing. Fatvalanche. I don't think jobber got a name. Umaga up, splash. THROAT PUNCH! That's it. Joey dubs Umaga a "Samoan Smashing Machine."

Backstage: Vince paws Michelle some more. He gets his hands all over when Requisite Interruption: King H the Third. King HIII. HIII GUYS WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS REBEAK?! Shitty jokes. Maybe I'll go for some kind of Mr. Rogers-ish King Friday thing next week. He wants his requisite title shot. Vince offers him to be special guest referee in Cena vs. Kenney. HHH doesn't like it, but offers to do it if he faces (WWE Champion) Kenney next week.

Commercials.

Edge Still Has his Stupid Interview Show?:

Wall O'Hair introduces our hero, A Huge Battleship Toothy Superstar is approaching fast. Break out your Darius codebooks. Edge demands respect, and is angry. Let's introduce our guest, King Fossil. Foley gives Edge his kudos, shakes his hand, and kisses Lita. Foley respects Edge for taking him to the limit. But, he wants to do it again, tonight. Edge is tired from last night, exhausted. Edge: "When it comes to tonight, you're on.... YOU'RE ON CRACK!" O NO HE DINNAT. Edge agrees to do it next week, in any type of match Foley wants. Foley goes insane.

Commercials. Backlash highlights.

That Glitch You Get if you Sketch something that has Vanish cast on it. Oh, this is an Opening Promo. It seems Carlito had to cheat to beat Masters. Dude, that's his finisher. It seems Carlito didn't break the Masterlock. Masters now has words for RVD. Master seems to want a shot at RVD. Masterlock Challenge, right here, right now. Here's *seriously contemplating the pawn shop value of this title* Masterlock challenge is... go, but I needed that Money in the Bank to buy more Rock shirts and I'm glad you've forgiven me for shattering your knee make this a scrum. We get a cheer on the ramp, indicating that they've been dustybooked, and it's next.

Commercials.

We're back, and Masters has Rob in a ninja chokeout. More of this shit, but let's go Backstage, where Vince has almost managed to work of Candice's top. Well, that's nice, I guess, but I don't really need to see it. I guess Vince gets off on letting the invisible cameraman broadcast his affairs to everyone. Shelton got tagged in somewhere. Apparently Joey has received a note from the Spirit Squad to report backstage for unknown reasons. Tag to Masters, who goes stompin'. Whip, Rob hits a spinnin' heel kick. Naptime. Tags all around. Carltio with clotheslines. Backbodydrop. Punchin' on Masters. Ducking Shelton's clothesline, off the first rope, Carlito hits a back elbow. Masters and Shelton doubleteam him, but Carlito escapes and dropkicks them both. Masters tosses him, and Shelton and RVD fight. Masters is about to gorilla press Carlito, but he worms out and hits the Arch Deluxe! Shelton's about to interfere, but Charlie Haas distracts him... Carlito with the ROLLUP! That's his move! Count the three! Nice match.

Smackdown Letdown: Literally, Mark Henry ruins the Rey/Angle match. Did someone just belch?

Backstage: The Spirit Squad is angry at Joey Styles for not having enough spirit. Joey needs to have less negative energy. All these negative waves, man! Where's the dude in the fez? They want him to practice going apeshit over Kenny about to become the WWE Champion. Or he has to wear a women's cheerleading outfit next week. Alright then.

Commercials.

Let's take yet another look at See No Evil.

Joey makes his way back to the ring, as Lawler goads him. Since Coach has been mysteriously missing all night long, Lawler wants to hear an OH MY GOD, and keeps goading him. Lawler wants him to act like this is ECW. Joey: "If this was ECW, I wouldn't be working with a hack like you." Crowd: "OHHHHHHH!" Lawler wants Joey to show some spirit. So he fucking SLAPS Lawler. Jesus. Lawler gets pissed, and uses his up-and-comer-squashing-powers to shove the shit out of Joey. Joey gets up and stomps off. Crowd: "E C DUB! E C DUB!" Hahahaha, I wonder if that went how they intended it to?

Commercials.

Moments Ago: They replay the whole thing except the ECW chant.

Joey apologizes to the crowd and to Joey for having too much fun. Joey isn't about to go back down there and work with Lawler again. He's about to show us something. WWE called him, he didn't call WWE. "Because WWE humiliated and fired Jim Ross, AGAIN." Joey doesn't like refering to "Wrestling" as "Sports Entertainment." "I'm told to deliberately ignore the holds and the moves to tell stories." Joey is pissed for being pulled from Wrestlemania for being bumped from Wrestlemania and Backlash for Jim Ross. "I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders. I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen." Haha, most of all, he hates the fans who buy into it. He takes the WWE logo off the microphone before announcing that he quits.

Jerry doesn't forget to take a moment to call Joey an idiot and say "maybe he'd like to go back to the bingo hall, kissin' Paul Heyman's ass."

HHH comes out in his ref shirt before we cut away.

Manny bein' Manny? vs. You Can't See The Great Gazoo

Our new commentator is GRISHAM!? Jerry repeats the same insult he said about Joey earlier. HHH and Cena stare each other down, but Cena punches Kenny. Knockdown, elbowdrop. Punchin'. HHH is uninterested. Kenny leaps, but Cena catches him. F-U, no, HHH punches Cena. Cena tossed outside. PACK'AWOLVES! Cena rolled into the ring, cover, but HHH is really bored. Punchin' from Kenny. Cover, HHH is late again. Grish: "Well, to say that the Dack is stecked against John Cena would be an understatement." Yeah, that jobber from Empire Strikes Back, he's stecked against John Cena. I hate that. DAAAACK! More of Kenny knocking Cena down and HHH being lazy to count. Kenny gets pissed at HHH. Cena punches, but Kenny gets a DDT. Slow cover. Kenny tosses his headband at HHH, and shoves him. Of course, HHH punches him. Pedigree. The rest of the Spirit Squad is in a fury. Shirt comes off. He just leaves. PACK'AWOLVES on Cena! Butwait: HHH is about to leave, but he passes HBK in his ref shirt on the ramp. They stare at each other, and HHH finally leaves. In the ring, Kenny hits a splash. HBK counts 2, but stops. Superkick for Kenny. The Spirit Squad attacks! Cena and Shawn clean up. Five Knuckle Shuffle for Johnny. Superkick, too. F-U for Kenny, pin.

Final Thoughts: This show... it... actually entertained me... what is this feeling I have? It's so... familiar, and yet...