Captain's Blog: The Animated Series: Animaged. That's a Time Mage who really likes Gundam. Once I saw some undergraduate dork walking around campus with one of those Naruto headbands on. You don't sink much lower than that, folks.

So, I suppose this finally warrants me to write about something.

Weekly Visitor will continue. If it wasn't clear, which it may not have been. rocksandbeans.com is not THE COMPETITION UP IN STAMFORD or anything like that. We're all still friends, which I couldn't be happier about. From the conversations I've had with Jason, we'll be sort of like Sister Sites, and I imagine that there will be some type of stupid collaboration occasionally in the future.

Pre-RAW: Stuff happened at Wrestlemania involving McMahons, Michaelses, and asses.

You get the hugs.

Tonight, Shane vs. Shawn.

Opening Promo: They Don't Have the "R" Rating in Canada (w/ *rainbow* The More You Know") The guy holding the "EDGE = CRAP" sign is really happy to have been on TV. This Sunday, we have a Paperview. Last week, Edge got a pinfall over HHH. He's pretty happy about that. Let's look at 3 months ago, when Edge beat Cena. Telling evidence. Superiority of Canadians over Brits is argued. Requisite Interruption: Trapped in Time, Surrounded by Upstarts, Low on Aquafina. Eww, the Brits like to "WHAT". HHH has a retardedly awesome new shirt with his king skeleton dude on it. He segues right into the sexual jokes. Oh, by the way... HHH is gonna win at Backlash. Edge questions why HHH is automatically in this match to begin with. More talk about how HHH is gonna win until Requisite Interruption: The Champ's Feet Are Tired From Driving His Stone Car To England. He starts fightin' everybody. Uh oh. Requisite Interruption: The Spirit Squad come out to announce that the three of them have to face the Spirit Squad later. Haha.

Commercials. If you Cross Steven Segal, he'll make you pay... 20 dollars for his direct to DVD release.

Joey educates us about Big Ben.

I'd say 'one of these things doesn't belong,' but Masters fucking sucks, too. vs. They of a kind

Striker has a fucking Cardigan vest. What the fuck, that's just so stupid that I might like it. Rob's onesie is "I of a kind." Shelton and Carlito lock up. Tag to RVD. Flippiness. Shelton gets kicked out of the ring. Striker got fucked up somehow on the ropes. Rob flips outside onto Striker and Masters. Masters powerslams him, sort of. Tag to Shelton. "Carlito" chant. Ninja Chokeout on Rob. Now a "Let's go Haas" chant. Weird. Tag to Haas, and he goes apeshit. Joey mentions him "Making an impact". Subtle. Inverse DDT on Shelton, 2 count. Masters and Striker sit on him. Literally. Striker's panties say "Smarter than you." Carlito comes in as chaos ensues. Arch Deluxe! Masterlock on Carlito! Haas interupts, suplex! RVD somehow got tagged in? Everything is crazy. Carlito attacks Masters, but gets T-boned. RVD kicks Shelton, rollin' thundar. Frog Splash, Carlito dropkicks Masters to prevent the interrupt, pinfall. Later tonight, bitches. And Torrie's dog, whose sex I cannot determine.

Commercials.

Backstage, Vincent Kennedy McApostate gets asked about God's run-in last week. Vince has it on authority that God is not here in the building, tonight. Shane comes in and says stuff. Vince looks at him funny when he 'swears to God.'

Backstage: Peparations are made for sluttery.

Backstage: The real reason I'm pissed about May 19th is my mom says I can't see 'R' rated movies paces and mumbles. Soon-to-be-Patches walks up to him and tries to patch this whole movie business up. Which just happens to be May 19th. Kane goes apeshit and kills him. Snitsky and other jobbers come to break it up. Kane poked his eye out or something. "AGGH AGGH KAAAYNEUSUNABICH!" I wonder what sort of eyepatch he'll have next week. Bandana-style like Xiahou Dun? Pirate-style, possibly leading to a teaming with Burchill? Japanese white surgical style that everyone but me thinks looks sexy on schoolgirls? I wait with anticipation.

Commercials.

A situation objectifying women: Coach introduces our objects. They show off their various body parts and wrinkles and such. Lawler and Joey have dueling orgasms, and I begin to wonder what's going on over there. Candice kisses Victoria, for no reason. Some guy in a Captain Charisma shirt pumps his fist rapidly. Candice is our winnar. Coach gives her the privelage of making out with him. Requisite interruption: Here's Viscera swallowed Akio and gained his pajama powers. Shades of Kirby's Adventure. Coach gets Samoan dropped, for no real reason. And Viscera gets kissed, for no real reason.

Commercials.

Maria's about to announce a match when: Butwait: Vince is out to announce "the product of my omnipotent semen." HERE COMES THE SEMEN! SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN Shane-0-Mac Dance on the ramp. His opponent, Sexy Senior Boy, wot wot. Shawn goes after McMahon on the outside. In the ring, Shane dances around. Shawn's on the ropes, Shane charges, but goes flying. Shawn goes after Vince again, but Michaels gets sent into the ring post. Back punching. Headlock. Inverted DDT, 2. Shawn turns it around with chopping. TORCHA rack into a slam. Shane up, moonsault!? No! Naptime. Punching. Punching. Punching. Punching. Dick to Shane's mouth. Kipping. Wot wot. McMahon tries to interrupt as Shawn goes topside. Kick for him. Elbowdrop. Stomping, but Vince pulls him out of the ring. This leads to punching. Vince gets put on the announce table. Shawn on the apron... on the turnbuckle... but Shane punches his groin. Shane and Vince go outside. Ringbellshot from Vince. Shawn gets set up on the table. Elbowdrop from Shane from the top. Nice. Vince yells about how God has abandoned Shawn. Vince yells as a spotlight dawns on he and Shane.

Commercials.

Joey and Jerry talk at us. Flashback to Kane being stupid earlier. Let's see another preview for See No Evil. Now time to run down the Backlash card.

Backstage: Edge and Cena come with a strategy to face the deadly assault of the Spirit Squad. Cena doesn't trust Edge.

Commercials. Uh oh, Grisham said "May 19th." I refuse to believe that "Kamloops" is the name of a town.

Backstage: Edge and Lita plot, out of the audio reach of the camera.

Heel because he's not from American Samoa vs. Jobber

It's a squash. Steve Loomington? He goes into the stairs a few times. While being held by his legs. Umaga eats him. Post-match, I WANT YOU I'M HOT FOR YOU WHOO Joey: "UMAGA WANTS MORE OF FLAIR AND FLAIR WANTS MORE OF UMAGA"

Backstage: Lita tries to slut HHH into being nice to Edge. HHH ain't bying.

Commercials.

WE'VE JUST BOOKED FLAIR VS. UMAGA FOR BACKLASH!!!!!! I WASN'T GONNA BUY IT BEFORE, BUT NOW I AM SOLD WHAT WILL SURELY BE A FANTASTIC PPV

Mickie James is out, as Mickie James. She cuts a HHH-esque promo about how awesome she is. Butwait, Trish is out dressed as Mickie. They do that spot where they say the same thing at the same time. And then fight. Trish Chimp Kicks Mickie a couple times and dances off.

Up next, stuff. Why does the graphic of the Spirit Squad have all of them with title belts?

Commercials.

Maine Event

The Spirit Squad gets in the ring and does a mini-cheer before the match. And gets beat up. Cena, HHH, and Edge are about to go at it when the Spirit Squad attacks. We'll be right back.

Commercials.

Edge is throwing around... one of the Spirit Squad. Tag to... another member. He calls for 'time', but IT'S A TRAP, as Edge goes into the post. Mikey was in, he tags in Kenny. Whipping. Air Sabu or something attempted, Edge dodges. Edge tags HHH by slapping him. HHH stomps a lot. Crotch chop, kneedrop. Cena tags himself in. HHH didn't like that. Cena punches a lot. Fisherman's suplex. 10-punches. Mikey hits a kick on Cena off the trampoline. Kenny sends Cena flying to the outside. Beating up. Kenny rolls him in the ring, 2. Tag to Mikey, assisted moonsault. Fistdrop, 2. Headlock. Elbow off the ropes, cover, 2. Tag to Mitch. Flips and crap. Tag to Jonny. Snapmare, and not much else. Tag to Mikey? Someone. Cena beatts everyone up, falls asleep. Tag to HHH. He beats everyone up. Spinebuster. Spinebuster. THE BEE'S KNEES. Pedigree... no. Interrupted. Quintuple team. Cena comes to save HHH. F-U on Mikey... Pedigree on... some dude. At the same time. Edge makes his way out. HHH and Cena come to blows. Edge smiles as they take each other out. And.. that's it? Did I yawn during a pinfall? Eh.

Final Thoughts: Yawn.