Captain's Blog: Sup doods.

You get the hugs.

Opening Promo: NO CHANCE IN HELL EVEN THOUGH I DON'T BELIEVE IN HELL. Oh, Vince doesn't believe in Hell. He even says so, making my joke rather moot. Vince says Hell is CHEAP HEAT. Vince has founded the church of McMahonism. Aren't "ism"s associated with Eastern religions? UH OH VINCE HAS BROKEN OUT JERICHO'S PIRATED COPY OF PHOTOSHOP!! I can tell by the pixels, and by having seen a few shops in my time. The crowd is so enthralled with these HEEL PHOTOSHOPS that they break out the "BOH-RING" chants. Vince reminds us we're in America. Freedom of religion. Vince invites us to join his religion. Worship him. Vince turns around and DUEL 1! HEAVEN OR HELL!? LET'S ROCK! is there. Superkick, and Shawn goes apeshit and starts flailing and humping the ring like a doof. Wow, HUGE MULTI-PERSON "SPIRIT SQUAD" SIGN

Commercials.

Short Term Memory Loss Replay: Michaels kicked and flopped around.

Backstage: Vince is helped around, when HHH vs. Army of Darkness meanders up to him. McMahon doesn't like his guff, so books him to face Edge and Cena.

Opening Promo: Haha, I conned you into thinking you'd see my entrance again! is here to demand respect. For his insta-match comes If you go to Zha'ha'dum, you will- MAY 19th MAY 19th MAY 19th. And insta-squash.

Post-match: Kane believes Lilian said "May 19th", so he kills her. Dude, if she'd said it, she'd have fucked it up with "May 35th" or something along those lines. After TSN cuts to the crowd, I know one movie starring my former best friend I won't be seeing on May 19th. Kane gets chokeslammed. And zombie sitsup.

Commercials.

Backstage: Chavo prepares to set JR on fire.

Let's see a video package about Chavo's whining.

Backstage: The Sauce Boss himself interviews Chavo. Here's how it goes:

Chavo: I'm quitting.
JR: Don't quit.
Chavo: I'm still quitting.
The end.

Commercials.

Coach is gonna be our ring announcer, filling in for Lilian.

THIS SHIRT COST THE ROCK SHELTON 700 DOLLARS vs. Screamy McDeadBrother

Charlie Haas. Thanks, TNM. Charlie beats Shelton for a while. They go outside. More beatings. Back in, Shelton gains control. Clubbin'. Outside, Shelton sends Charlie into the stairs. Haas puts Shelton's face into the apron, but Shelton tosses Charlie into the ring. Deadly chinlock. Dragon Whip... no, Charlie ducks! Naptime. Choppin's. Charlie misses a dropkick, and Shelton stomps him. Thumbs... ROLLIN' THUNDAR! Cockiness. Charlie gets up... KICK TO THE HEAD. Shelton up... Senton bomb... NO! Charlie with THE ROLLUP! THE ROLLUP! Carlito's finisher always works.

Commercials.

Backstage: Vince soaks his head in ice, when There's a picture of Shawn Micheals's head in Vince's ass on the wall. Racist Cultural Anachronism, Alexandro whatever asks Vince to book Michaels against Racist Cultural Anachronism. AND IT'S NEXT. Shelton then runs in to announce his conversion to McMahonism. And his begging for... something.

We open with EAT ATTACK! Scoop slam! IT's over! Shawn gets kicked out of the ring. Outside, beatings. McMahon has come out to watch. Jamal sets Shawn on the announce table, but Shawn moves before anything happens. Outside still, more beatings. Back in the ring, beatings. McMahon watches in approval. Punchin'. Blows are trades. Trades are blown. HBK gets knocked down. Headbutt. Shawn with choppin'. But gets whipped into the corner. Jamal pulls up his pants, goes for a fatvalanche, but is dodged. Shawn tries the dick to the mouth, but Jamal doesn't sell it. Shawn kips up, knocks Umaga down, kips up again, elbowdrop from the top. Shawn is interrupted by Alexandro and McMahon. Whip, Shawn goes into the Tree of Whoa. Fatvalances a plenty. EAT ATTACK! The ref calls for the bell when he refuses to stop. More beatings ensue. McMahon gets a chair, but KANE'S PYRO GOES OFF IT IS AN ACT OF GOD OMJ. McMahon flees up the ramp. HOLY SHIT THE RAMP IS ON FIRE I SURE FORGOT ABOUT EFFECT THIS FROM KANE AND LITA'S WEDDING

Commercials. Squirrels. Sammich commercial. THE BACON IS BEAUTIFUL.

Backstage, During the Break: Vince Flees in Terror from the Arena.

This Week in Wrestling History: Sofa attended a RAW where A title belt and a Steve Austin dummy were thrown into the Detroit River, and the next week, stupid shit also happened.

FUCKING MATT STRIKER is here to bitch about Austin and The Rock. Cheap heel heat. Get these Beuller jokes out of here. St. Louis tries too much to be like "Nelly, or whoever they are." "SCHOOL IS COOL." St. Louis gets an "F", REQUISITE INTERRUPTION: Carlito majored in Apple Horticulture; Lita, in the same graduating class, majored in Whorticulture.. That's like clown college, only for people from Carribea. "CAR LEE TO" chant. Jesus. Striker stole Carlito's apple for his schoolroom setup. Carltio became "the coolest guy on the island" after he dropped out of school. Spit. Blows are traded. Striker gets shitbeat, but here's STAY AWAY FROM GRANNY SMITH!. Masterlock.

Commercials.

Dude, I spent all my money in the bank on ricing out this briefcase is in the ring, and he's about to face The Spirit Squad. All of them, I guess. Oh, McMahon booked this. "The High Spirit", their Quintuple team move, is performed. Five Man version of whatever Head Cheese's finisher was called is performed. Don't AMW do that now? I guess I should watch TNA more than twice a month.

Backstage: Maria interviews Trish, dressed as Mickie.

Commercials.

In the ring: There's a present. Here's Trish. Mickie needs to come out and get her pwesent. Here's Mickie. As Trish. Inside the box is... Trish's former Big Nosed boyfriend, Jack! Well, huh. This is all part of a plan to get Mickie to realize she's not Trish. Mickie flips out and tells Trish to get her hands off her boyfriend. Her boyfriend. Someone's boyfriend. Micke charges, but Trish has the upper hand. Trish runs off, and Mickie wakes up to slap Jack for cheating on her.

Backstage: MEHdge taunts HHH for a bit. HHH then taunts him. Drauma. It's my new invention. Drama combined with Trauma.

Commercials.

Let's see another See no Evil preview.

COACH IS TOTALLY DIGGING THE NEWEST CUT FROM DANKO JONES

Rundown of the Backlash card. Hey, a God graphic. A shaft of light.

Maine Event

Oh, I haven't given Cena a nickname yet. Uh, BAARNEY, GIVE ME BACK MY FACE POP!. There.

Commercials.

Jeez, Edge's entrance is still playing. No King of Kings entrance? Fuck this shit. Lawler mentions HHH "trying to plant a seed." Oh, he later adds "a seed of dissention." Hey, backlash has those stupid razor pendulum graphics again. Lawler reminds us how much the crowd loves Cena. Cena and HHH fight for a while. Shoulderblock on Cena. I think the crowd liked that. Cena gets the upper hand, and declares himself invisible to the naked eye. HHH, whose eyes are clothed, spinebusts Cena. Edge tagged in, gets spinebusted. Neckbreaker, 2. THE BEE'S KNEES! Edge with a heel kick. Cena interrupts, spinebuster. Oh, Edge may have spinebusted Cena back there. Eh, they're all fucking wearing black pants I can't tell the bastards apart. Refbump. HHH gets his hammer. Hammer for Cena, Edge spears HHH. Cover, pin?! Wow. Somebody got pedigreed? I stopped paying attention.

Final Thoughts: Wow, they sure wanted to finish early to get to "Sportscentre."