Captain's Blog: What the fuck is wrong with my computer?

Groo. I hadn't actually tuned in early enough to see the grooing for a while, so if they'd changed the intro within the past few weeks or so I would have looked pretty foolish, now wouldn't I have?

Opening Promo: MORE LIKE RATED "ZZZZ" SUPERSTAR BECAUSE HIS PROMOS ARE SO BORING LOL Edge vs. HHH vs. Cena at Backlash. Lita's outfit is particularly horrendous this evening. Requisite Interruption #1: In this Raw, I debut my new interruption system. I expect feedback. Sign: "Cuck Fena". Oh, here's Hustle and Blow. Apparently Cena got a good pop? I don't have my sound up high enough. Cena says his diatribe, then moves in to attax. Edge holds off and describes how he feels about the ppl. Some really unintelligent looking guy is making wild 'thumbs down' motions in the crowd. Cena reminds us that he used to be a heel, but not in such explicit terms. Did he just call himself "black"? Swearing. Cena mentions not wanting to be stuck up and having pompous nicknames, which leads to Requisite Interruption #2. Haha, lookit those stupid scenes in his StupidTron video. Screaming skeletons and knights fighting each other. It's With Mighty Mjollnir and Mighty Aquafina at my side!. Various ramblings. Cena and HHH almost fight. But they don't. HHH says McMahon was talkin' to him. HHH and Cena vs. Edge. Edge gets pissy and leaves. Cena punches HHH. Are we done with this?

Commercials.

You thought you would see my entrance? It was all a con? vs. Okay, so how do I take this money out of the bank? I need some... things.

In a WWE.com Exclusive that we just saw, HHH punched Conway during the break. They're about to start, when Requisite Interruption: Does my mother know I'm dressed so terribly? is here for commentary. Beatings. Conway goes outside, guardrail spot. Rob rolls Conway back in the ring. Jumpkick off the top rope. ROFLing thunder. 5 Star, that's it. Rob gets stopped on the ramp by.. Grisham? Shelton's challenged Rob for his Monkey in the Bank. Title vs. Monkey? Shelton's got a week to think about it.

Backstage: Maria interviews Mickie James. Maria informs Mickie that she's not from Toronto, as she claims. Flipout. MARIA VS. MICKIE TONIGHT I AM LITERALLY STRAINING TO KEEP MY SHIT IN MY ANUS THIS IS SO EXCITING

Commercials.

Backstage: NotGrisham has Kane with us to look at the preview for his movie, See No Evil. Haha, Kane vanished during the preview. Hahaha, what the fuck. Let's go to the ring.

SPUR-IT SQUAD vs. MAY 19th MAY 19th MAY 19th

Way to pronounce, Lilian. The Spirit Squad are prancing about when we cut to

Backstage: Where we here the fucking TELEPATHIC MESSAGES ADVERTISING HIS MOVIE THAT WE CAN ALSO HEAR ARE CAUSING HIM TO HOLD HIS HEAD IN TELEPATHIC PAIN.

Ahem. I'll just let that sink in a bit.

Anyway, Big Show asks him if he's okay. THEY GOTTA MATCH TO DO.

Commercials.

Johnny or Kenney or whoever gets beat up by Big Show. Johnny. Panhandle chops or whatever. Joey Styles claims they'll stop your heart. Oh, Dickey is the other member of the squad competing. Apparently they have a Triad-esque alternating ability. Kane was tagged in. So is Mikey? Dickey? Mickey. Too many fucking Mickeys. Kane picks Mickey/Micky up, but Jonny interrupts. Johnny's legal somehow. Nicky? Oh, it's Nicky. Johnny gets backdropped. Joey actually called it right, too. Johnny gets tossed out of the ring by Big Show as we cut.

Commercials.

Nicky is beating Kane. Kane then beats Nicky. Heel doubleteaming. Wishbone thing on Kane's legs. Puchin'. More doubleteaming. Kane gets killed, but there's a Zombie situp. Haha, Nicky and Johnny have to confer. Beatings on the risen Kane. He gets sent out of the ring. He goes fucking apeshit and starts beating everyone up, and throwing chairs into the ring. Did Joey just say "OH JESUS!"? That's a Dairy Queen. That's a paddlin'. Kane goes apeshit on Nicky and Johnny. Chokeslams, chairshots. Big Show asks what the fuck, and Kane goes all pissy on him. Haha, what a stupid expression on Kane's face. Shoving. Choking. Mutually. Kane chokeslams Big Show. MY GOD I'VE SURE DIDN'T GET TIRED OF THIS FEUD THE PREVIOUS 3,000 TIMES I SAW IT, BUT NOW IT INVOLVES KANE BEING DRIVEN CRAZY BY HIS MOVIE!!!

Up next: Vince and Shane! In a church!

Commercials.

Backstage: Cena is gonna beat people.

In a Church: Vince and Shane do various things. They play this up like Vince has never been in a church. Vince digs the scenery. Then he does the HHH spot with Holy water. Vince created the WWE, God created the world. Vince has got various blasphemy. His own Commandments. "Grapefruits" and "Semen" are mentioned. At Backlash, Vince will bring the "apocalypse" on Cena. We end with a massive panoramic shot of Vince screaming at the heavens. Classy.

Commercials.

Opening Promo: Batista-Era Cuban Capitalist. That joke is probably unfunny on many levels. Oh, he's just here to introduce our Samoan, "Umanga." Humunga. He beats a jobber here, if you care. A DEADLY PINCH OF THE NECK FINISHES THIS JOBBER!

Smackdown rebound: Undertaker exists.

Commercials.

Opening Promo: My entrance is no longer cool. Does he ever get a fucking entrance anymore? Carlito declares Masters "not cool." Out steps I bore the shit, out of people who don't want to be bored. Carlito doubts that Masters lost at Wrestlemania on purpose just to get even with him for whatever shit they had in the past. Masterlock challenge, right here, right now. Except Carlito just fucking nails him with the chair. Carlito vs. Masters at Backlash.

Commercials.

Last week: Chavo lost for the first time in 6 months, and quit. Next week, FUCKING JR interviews Chavo.

Womens. AND IT'S NEXT

The announcers have some Subway sammiches. Very, very subtle advertising. MEATBALL MARINARA KID!!! Lawler confuses Trish and Mickie. YOU CAN'T TELL! Maria seems very deft at rollups. Really shitty Chimp kick, we're done. Requisite Interruption: Out is Trish, dressed as Mickie James, screaming about how great Mickie is and kissing. I'll give them points for originality in this angle.

Commercials.

Maine Event

What's with the Game entrance instead of the King of Kings one? Edge beats up Cena. For quite a while. Outside the ring. Inside, 2 count. Cena tags HHH. Punchin'. He leers at Lita, who's on the apron for DISTRACTION. Edge gets him from behind. HHH falls outside. Back in the ring, Edge controls for a while. HHH doesn't seem to want to tag. Edge sets HHH up for the Spear, but HHH dodges and gets a flapjack. Tag to Cena. Clotheslines a plenty. 5 knucka shuffa. SIGN OF THE CABINET!?! FU, HHH interrupts and Pedigrees Edge. FU for HHH! STFU. That's it.

Final Thoughts: Uh. More people should just randomly do the sign of the Cabinet.