Captain's Blog: I'll be out of town this weekend. Unfortunately, I won't miss RAW on Monday.

Groo.

Opening Promo: The Doctor of Political Thugonomics wrestles for the People, the Proletariat! World Life, Comrade! Wow, look at those giant portraits hanging from the rafters of all the wrestlers. Dang, these cola-flavored gummy rice treats are pretty awesome. Cena addresses his current hatred, when Butwait, here's What the fuck. Sign: "HHH IS FAT". Handshake is proffered. Cena refuses at first, then goes for it. PSYCHE!!!!!!! LOL!!!!! HHH wants his requisite rematch. When Butwait: Here's Dredge (w/Bilge) to question HHH's endless supply of title matches. HHH calls Edge a 'curtain jerker.' Edge questions HHH dressing like "Conan the Barbarian" Lots of bickering and snarkiness. HHH and Edge vs. Cena tonight. Later, Kane and Big Show vs. Spirit Squad. Poor Spirit Squad.

Commercials.

We've got crackers, how bout you? vs. Yep.

Which two are fighting? Coach is too busy arguing about how much he likes the Spirit Squad. Oh, Kenny just got tagged in by... the other guy. Standard squash so far. Coach: "They're young, they like spending time together". Kane angleizes himself on the post, so the rest of the squad fucks up his arm. Stompin'. Sleepah, but Kane samoan drops not-Kenny. Big Show has the other guy up... Ref bump! Tripleteaming! Mikey makes the cover! Quintuple-team slam on the Big Show! Leg drop from Kenny! Your New Tag Team Champions: The Spirit Squad! Holy nuts.

Commercials.

Backstage: Maria has the Spirit Squad for us. Let's have a cheer. Coach instructs not to hate, but rather, to appreciate.

Joey discusses how more people looked at WWE.com to see how Wrestlemania ended than actually ordered Wrestlemania. Clips from Monkey in the Bank. Finlay beats people. RVD wins.

Opening Promo: I've gotta get this monkey off my back and into the bank. "Glass celing" is said. Se-Ling. Watch more Space Ghost? "EXTREME" is said.

Commercials. Grisham. Oh, in two weeks, RAW is 30 minutes late.

RUSHED MASTERPIECE ENTRANCE GASP!!! vs. Some dude

Is this an instance where the jobber gets squashed so quickly he doesn't get a name? Masterlock. Coach: "It doesn't matter what this kid's name is now!" Butwait! I SPIT IN THE FACE OF NEW HIDEOUS T-SHIRTS! Hey, glittery. Bright fucking yellow. Apparently they had problems at Wrestlemania. Carlito takes a bite of an apple. Spits it at the jobber. Situation rectified? Sign: "Go to bed Nick." Don't mind if I do. OH MY GOED SWERVE! Arch Deluxe! Carlito can't find his apple, so he just fucking spits in Masters' face after he finally finds it.

Commercials. The WWE announcer dude suggests I buy Rob Zombie's new album. Nope.

Opening Promo: Honestly, Boring as Krap. Yes, he won. Let's bring out HERE COMES THE GREYING HAIR! DOLLAH DOLLAH. He doesn't say anything except introduce Somehow this neck brace prevents me from swaggering. Shawn wants a title shot, I guess, but Vince squashes that idea. Shawn revives a lame old gimmick. "Divined intervention" is said. Is that where you get a stick and wave it around until you find Jesus? HBK questions Vince's sanity during this ramble. IT'S LIKE HE'S SAYING, WHAT WE'RE ALL TYPING! Vince and Shane vs. Shawn and God at Backlash. Wait, did I just hear that right? Jesus is Booked for Backlash? Well, at least it's not Armageddon or Judgement Day. "Product of my semen" is said. Wait, does God know how to work WWE style?! Shouldn't he warm up in OVW first?

Commercials.

The announcers talk at us. Lawler praises Carlito's... face turn? I guess so. I have to rely on Lawler to figure out affiliations.

Women

If you've ever seen me call a Women's match within the past year, you could probably just look back at it at this point, as I've seen the same match every week for a year, or a variation of it. Trish and Torrie vs. Candice and Mickie. Mickie is in "Clone of Trish" mode of her insanity. Candice is a little wary of Mickie. Mickie kicks Trish in the knee right off the fucking apron when Torrie is the legal lady. Chimp kick, win for Mickie.

Commercials.

At the Hall of Fame thing, Mean Gene swore, Rey wore a crazy mask/suit combo, emotions were stirred, and Austin gave awkward introductions. Geez, Bret looks weird.

Ohh, I cannot jobb-o when I'm on Heat. Wait, is this an Opening Promo:? Chavo's happy for Eddie's memory, and Rey. Is he wrestling for the IC title tonight? He dedicates this to Eddie. This commercial break.

Here's our champion, These sunglasses totally disguise the shitty gimmick I just escaped from

Coach doubts Chavo's ability to win. Shelton gets all disrespectful. Joey praises the "beauty" of Chavo's uppercuts. They go outside and start the stupid heads into the apron stuff. In the ring, clubbery. Chavo with a dropkick. Whip, backbodydrop. Shelton picks Chavo up, but gets dropkicked again. 2 count. Tilty headscissors. Three amigos. Coach accuses Chavo of playing to the crowd. Chavo up top, but Shelton rolls out of the way! T-bone, that's it. Well.

Commercials.

Ancient WCW Thing: Flair vs. Steamboat, 2 of 3 falls.

During the break WWE.com exclusive: Chavo is in tears, and quits, because this was his first loss in 6 months.

Opening Promo: There's a fucking lot of promos tonight WHOO. Flair's done a lot of stuff in Chicago. JG says he started the Chicago Fire. thx. Butwait: Here's Some hispanic dude who's yelling random shit about Ric Flair mixed with Sounds of Mexican People. Who the fuck is this? "Alberto" Something. He rambles a lot. He is a businessman. In his suit and jaunty white hat and cigars, I guess he's some sort of dude the Zapatistas in Mexico would rebel against. Some generic Mexican Land Baron or something. He likes women, and money. Oh, he's Cuban, as I gradually discern. They just kind of yell at each other. Cuban Land Baron dude introduces "Lumbaga" or something. Looks like Another Fat Samoan to me. Rosey? Or Jamal? Beatdown ensues. Okay, I was willing to give this RAW the benefit of the doubt before this.

Commercials.

Maine Event

Well, there was an incident, and I missed the whole match. Apparently HHH won by Pedigreeing Cena right in the middle of the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Well, looks like I didn't miss anything after all. For more information about what interrupted me, go to WWE.com! Or don't.

Final Thoughts: How brutally awful.