Captain's Blog: Too busy to type anything here.

The world is watching! And being bored!

Next up on BBC2, Sofa encounters... THE SWAGGERER. I tried to type some variant of "Pants Pooper", but just couldn't type it and gave up on it. Tonight, for the "first time ever", the Chairman faces the Champion. Notice how I put "First time Ever" in quotes.

Groo.

Opening Promo: I'm sweating, in my Sweatpants. Imagine that. Is carrying two boxes, and leaves one on the ramp. In the ring, he apologizes to Lita for making TSN cut to the crowd last week. He opens the one in the ring to reveal apology roses. The one on the ramp is for Edge. Speaking of oversize boxes full of things is out to rant. They rant for a while about beatings, and Edge still hasn't opened the box. It's something Edge can use, Foley says. Foley says he lost his ear in a 'hardcore' match. Okay, sure. Tonight seems to be a night for OUTRIGHT LYING. FLCL is a fucking awesome show. See, I can do it, too. Edge finally opens his pwesent. A baseball bat. Edge comes after Foley, but he had the barbed wire bat in the rose box. Edge runs away. Let's interrupt this actual segment with a promo for their match at Wrestlemania. Back in the ring, Foley kind of chews on the barbed wire. Eww. Foley's bat's music plays.

Commercials. They're still advertising for that PSP GTA game? Shades of every other GTA game.

Already Cool In the Ring vs Would a Big Red Machine be a Big Red... ROBOT?

Carlito apparently lost to Kane last week, and demanded a rematch. Coach: "Shows you how competitive this kid is!" Carlito attax. Zombie situp. Zombie shit-up. Carlito jumps on Kane's back. Sleepah. Does Carlito have Pac-Man fruit on his panties? A little pretzel, perhaps? Sign: "TNA IS BETTER" Sign: "BRING BACK (unreadable)". Sign: "KANE". OH MY GOD IT'S... THE ROBOT!! Oh, Kane got out of the sleeper. Carlito dropkicks Kane's knee, followed by Kane not wanting to sell a DDT. Carlito off the rope, right into a goozle. Carlito knocks the ref, breaking the hold. The ref screams "RING THE BELL" sounding as though he has tears in his eyes. Kane gives chase Backstage, where Carlito begs off until Masters, Cade, and Murdoch beat Kane up, throw him behind a door, and drive a forklift in front of it. SEEN IT. Butwait, The Big Show waddles in. He fights them off, and yells to Kane about the forklift. He goes to drive it, but... NO KEY! Hahaha. Big Show tries to push it, when we cut to Coach sneering at us, laughing at the stupid segment.

Back in the ring: Carlito and Masters go in the ring for no reason.

Backstage: Big Show "pushes" the forklift while the driver's end of it is conveniently off camera, all the while screaming "I'M COMING, KANE!" Kane just walks in from off camera and tells the Big Show there was another door. Big Show: "Well that wasn't very smart of them." I guess they're facing Masters and Carlito next? Meh.

Commercials. Good to know RAW is going to be mostly dominated by promos for Wrestlemania.

We come back in the middle of Masters talking. They gonna take some titles at Wrestlemania. I guess Big Show is doing a Masterlock Challenge tonight? Show and Kane come out, and Carlito runs away. Let's start our exciting Masterlock Challenge. Or just stall for 4 minutes. Masters never starts it, so just ATTAX. And gets chokeslammed. Play Kane's music? Sure! Nothing makes fucking sense tonight anyway! Later tonight! More completely random bullshit!

Commercials. Look forward to seeing one of the non-Beyonce members of Destiny's Child piss what's left of her career down her leg at Wrestlemania!

Let's see why we should buy Wrestlemania, based on John Cena. Haha, Steve Austin introduces Bret Hart at the Hall of Fame induction? Our final inductee? Tony Atlas? Jesus. And "S.D. Jones" introduces him. Haha, now they're just making people up.

Commercials. One match so far, people!

If you job to the Game, your career dies FOR REAL! vs. This match will be Have a Bullshit Konclusion

Punchin'. Punchin' on the outside! Punchin' into the crowd! Punchin' in the ring! Shawn goes up top, lands on a knee, Pedigree... Shawn throws him outside of the ring. Jesus. Out saunters Vince. That's a good cue for commercials.

Commercials.

During the Break: THE BEE'S KNEES! Vince slaps his knee in appreciation. HHH with a suplex. Stompin'. Choppin'. Shawn with choppin'. HBK gets pasted. Tossed outside with an elbow. HHH's head goes into the stairs. Vince is concerned. Back in the ring, punchin'. NAPTIME! They wake up, Shawn charges, but Vince grabs his foot. Pedigree.. no! HHH gets catapulted into Vince. Shawn up top, elbow. Stompin', but Vince bugs Shawn. Punch for McMahon. Pedigree for Michaels. Hahaha. Beatdown commences. HHH's got the PETER GABRIEL'S "SLEDGEHAMMER". Butwait, THE DoCToR?!?!!?!/ of Thugonomics?!?! is here. Standing in the ring. HHH puts down the sledgehammer. WE'VE GOT PUNCHING! WRESTLEMANIA PREVIEW RIGHT HERE! ORDER BASED ON THE PUNCHING YOU JUST SAW! Joey's about to explode with excitement. "This was just a TASTE!"

Commercials.

Big Time Moment: Edge wins Monkeys in a Bank.

During the break WWE.com Exclusive: HHH and Vince vs. Cena and HBK.

Opening Promo: To be ham, you gotta eat the ham talks about how he's gonna win some monkeys. Butwait, Ain't no - SIGN: "THE CHAMP IS QUEER" comes out to beg to differ. Beating up Flair, he's about to splash off the ladder, when I spent all my Money in the Bank on 'medicine' Loling thunder on the ladder. Flair pokes his eye. Ladder shot. Coach questions Flair's gratitude. Later tonight, bitches.

Commercials.

Spirit Squad!!!!! facing Eugene, Val Venis, and Viscera. Haha, I like how the other members of the squad sell all the moves, too. Mikey gets beat up for a while. Joey: "That was Kenney, with the interference." Coach: "Good, I like Kenney, a lot." Heel Quintuple teaming on Eugene. Johnny does some Michael Jackson dancing and then charges at Eugene. Haha, that was fucking great. Johnny gets flipped onto Eugene for 2. Tag to Kenney. Eugene finally tags in Val Venis. He must have woken up early to make pornos today, he's really fired up. Mikey with the trampoline shot interrupts the Monkey Shot! THE ROLLUP! Victory for the Spirit Squad! Megaphone beatdown! Let's cheer on the ramp. Coach guffaws as Joey sighs.

Let's see why we should buy Wrestlemania all because of HHH.

Commercials.

Rundown of the card.

Backstage: Micky/Mickie broadcasts from her lair. Haha, some of those pictures taped to the walls have the eyes cut out.

Backstage: Trish is weirded out.

Commercials.

Women

Torrie and Trish vs. Candice and Victoria. Joey: "There it is, the chicken! On the money!" Candice interrupts. Trish gets out of a Widow's Peak, and does a SHITTY SHITTY duck of a clothesline. Trish wins, because Victoria never does.

Commercials.

Maine Event

These haters already got nicknames. Vince gets the mic and instructs HHH to be handcuffed to the ring. And HBK, also. Okay? Uh, right. To the ref: "HANDCUFF HIM! HANDCUFF HIM!" So, I guess it's just Vince vs. Cena. After like 3 minutes, Lockups! Vince gets knocked down, after a looong lockup. Slap for Cena. Testuff strength. Vince loses. Boot to Cena's crotch. Dairy Queen. Vince's got the handcuff keys. Time to unlock HHH. Beatin' on Cena. HHH taunts Shawn with the key. Beatin', posin'. Lots of posin'.

Final Thoughts: Okay, later.