Captain's Blog: Uuuuhhhh.

Pre-RAW: RAW was delayed by Curling.

Last week: Vince promised to make people kiss his ass! If you don't wanna watch RAW now after seeing that, you must be an idiot!

Groo.

Tonight! Asses are kissed! Women have bland, meaningless matches!

Opening Promo: This stupid skullcap covers up the fact that HHH and I no longer bathe (w/Cheatah on Matt-ah) SIGN: "RATED R REJECT". I'm surprised he didn't go the "R" FOR "RETARDED" route. If Foley doesn't show up, they've got plane tickets to Long Island to go bug him. Ohh, what's he going to do, not answer his door? Doesn't Foley live in Florida, anyway? They're about to leave and get on that plane, Butwait: I couldn't possibly let stand the threat that Edge would go someplace I don't live. Did Foley call Edge "BOYEE"? Foley calls himself the greatest lame duck champion of all time. Edge: "Well, if I'm the Rated "R" Superstar, then you're Rated "O". "O" for 'Overrated'" O NO HE DINNAT!! They argue with each other about their lack of "Wrestlemania Moments." So, they're gonna have a Hardcore Match at Wrestlemania. Foley goes to get something to "persuade" Edge, so he disappears backstage, and when he comes back with a barbed wire bat, his entrance music plays again. I guess his bat interrupted the promo.

Commercials.

I was bored into a world you may not understand vs. United in Sleaze

This match will give me plenty of Sleaze Damage. Viscera and Venis are already in the ring. Val gets beat up for a bit. Kane throws him around a bit. Suplex is reversed, chopblock. Zombie situp. Val is all "OMG!" Tag to Viscera. Splashed in the corner. Val gets a few moves, but Big Show gets tagged in. A big fat house'afire. Scoop slam on Viscera! It's over! Splash. Val breaks up the cover. Kane does his flying clothesline on Val. Double chokeslam to Viscera, we done.

Commercials.

Backstage: Todd teleports from Canada to interview I could have used that Oxygen during my 'heart attack'.

Backstage: Marty Jannety paces around in his pajamas. Shawn comes up to suggest he not kiss any asses.

Backstage: Carlitos is interviewed by Maria. He's gonna wrestle to qualify for Monkey In the Bank.

Commercials.

Rob Runs Afoul of an Irishman

Nice brown hair/red sideburns on Murdoch. Rob beats him up for a while, then gets poked in the eye. Kick to Murdoch's knees. Kickery and flippery. Dragon whip to Murdochs stomach! Trevor goes outside. Guardrail spot misses, Rob gets rolled back in the ring. Stomping. Sleeper! My god, the sleeper! Some TNA-esque competing chants going on the crowd, which is fucking bizarre, since no one should care about Murdoch. Clothesline, 2 count for Murdoch. Another sleeper! As Lawler entails how great a wrestler Murdoch is, no less. Murdoch charges into a boot, then Angleizes himself. Rob charges with a heel kick, flippy turnbuckle thing. Another heel kick. ROFL-ing thunder, Rob lands on his feet after a suplex attempt, another dragon whip, Frog Splash, win. Why was that so long?

Commercials.

Wimmens

Trish and Mickie James are inexplicably together and already in the ring. Opening bell, Torrie distracts the ref... wandshot! Joey Styles informs us that that wand is made of metal! The Metal Babble Wand. I swear to god, I think they messed up the 'ground' of a 'ground and pound' spot. I have no idea how. Candice knocks Trish down, covers, and has help from Torrie, but the ref sees it. Trish reverses the rollup, cover, win. Mickey James does stupid stuff in the ring. Dry humping her head into Trish's crotch. Trish pushes her off, and there's awkwardness.

Commercials.

During the Break/WWE.com Exclusive: Torrie apologized to Candice. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Opening Promo: Coach is in the ring. Here's HERE I AM, EVERYONE, THE CHAMP HAS ARRIVED! Coach mentions the 'greatest wrestler alive today' rhetoric surrounding HHH. Just when Cena is about to give Coach a verbal beatdown surely involving the word 'penis', HUHUHU Time to not pay attention to this interview!. Aww, he washed his hair. There goes my Edge nickname. Actually, I'll be paying the least attention to the kiss my ass segment. That's a Sofa Guarantee. And it's not as though I was giving the interview before this my undivided attention. Cena mentions that HHH always cuts the same promos. They go on for a while rather blandly until Butwait: KissyAss McPoopyAss appears on the stupidtron. Not my most mature nickname, but in my defense, it's not like Shakespeare wrote fucking "Kiss My Ass" segments into Othello. Cena and HHH team up at Saturday Night's Main Event.

Commercials.

Some troops are in the crowd. Rather than resort to Angle-esque hatred of them, Coach says that they just enjoyed seeing HHH dress down Cena.

I Wonder if this angle was proposed for The Cat before they fired him? vs. Ohh, Be Unclear About Whether You're on RAW or Smackdown!

Ohh, Monkey in the Bank qualifier. Shelton beats Chavo up for a while. VISCIOUS headlocks! Whips and stuff! Chavo with a NICE tilty headscissors! Rolling suplexes. They go outside the ring. Mama distracts the ref as they go back in. Vertical suplex... Chavo reverses into a DDT! Wow. Butwait! In runs Eddie's in Murond Death City! ORALE, ALTIMA! to RKO Chavo! Shelton covers, the ref stops being distracted, win. Lawler: "You know what they say, paybacks are hell!"

Commercials.

Our next Hall of Fame inductee is Gene Oakerlund. Before Gorilla Monsoon? Pssh.

Backstage: HBK interrupts Vince's phone call, and Vince mentions how much he's looking forward to having a man put lips on his ass.

I spit in the face of-OHSHITCOMMERCIALBREAK vs. Mystery Commercial Break Opponent

Commercials.

It's Ric Flair. Lockups. Hiptoss. Snapmare. Flair covers for 2. Headlocks. Carlito puts Flair in the corner, chops. Flair counters with chops of his own. Flair sends Carlito out of the ring.

Commercials.

Carlito is crawling around in the ring, and Flair is panting and heaving on the outside. During the break, Carlito did the Arch Deluxe. Carlito backbodydrops Flair on the outside. Where he's gone. Back in the ring to break up the count, as apparently that matters in this match. Carlito suplexes Flair back into the ring. Cover, 2. Flair knocks Carlito down, kneedrop. Whips, chop knocks Carlito down. Flair up top, thumbs Carlito in the eye when he goes for the intercept! He could make it! Flair jumps... right into Carlito's dropkick. 2 count. Carlito goes to the outside to get an apple. Chomp. He gets kicked in the gut before he can spit, Flair covers, and grabs the rope for the win.

Backstage: Vince grossly checks his rear. God. It begins.

Commercials.

In the Ring: The Spirit Squad has a cheer about kissing asses. Let's bring out the man who made this all possible. Coach doesn't want Lawler and Joey to "ruin the moment" for him. "Let me enjoy Mr. McMahon!" Vince introduces Jannetty for those of us who don't know that he's washed up. *checking the area for barbershop windows* comes out. SIGN: "FREE EMO". Are they giving it away? Or asking for the release of Emo Phillips? Get on your knees, damn it! Vince: "What we have here is Mr. McMahon's... ass!" Marty backs out at the last minute. Oh, Vince has another way. Let's bring out Why was I already dressed in my panties? Marty's gotta break the Masterlock to get a job. Vince reveals the SECRET that it's just a Full Nelson. Vince screams for Masters to "BREAK HIS NECK DAMN IT" Jannetty's out, and Masters forces Jannetty's head towards the ass. Butwait: Harboring Booty Koncerns comes to interrupt. However, Butwait: *Flying Squirrel Chairshot!* rushes the ring and clobbers Shawn with a chair. Shane vs. Michaels in a streetfight at Saturday Night's Main Event. Then Shane picks Shawn up and shoves his face into Vince's ass. Then Vince announces he's facing Shawn at Wrestlemania.

Final Thoughts: GAH.