Captain's Blog: I must not run away from a shitty RAW. I must not run away from a shitty RAW. I must not run away from a shitty RAW.

Pre-RAW: This Curling broadcast cannot be retransmitted or rebroadcast without somebody's written consent. The emperor of Canada or somebody.

Last week: That was really nice of Cena to run away right before Foley got beat up.

Groo.

Tonight! Mama's Boy jokes! Screwjob tournament finales! Announcers exaggerating the importance of every match!

Opening Promo: Weekly Visitor is not revealing it's DNS vs Bland vs Be even blander, it's all that you can do vs Since when is she a wrestler?! vs Not the glorified jobber to mess wit' vs Only I may be Trish's boring big-nosed lover!

Butwait, out comes Lawls. To stand on the entrance ramp. Since when is Maria a wrestler? Since that contrived Cena match? I think Torrie's been eliminated. There goes Victoria. Maria's gone. Mickey and Ashley are tied up in the ropes, so Candice comes up from behind to push them both out. I guess she gets a title shot. Butwait!!

Opening Promo: Enter My penis is too sore to hump the ring (w/ Sore Source). Edge orders Candice away. "Your voice is like dead nails on a chalkboard." Nice stupid "R" skullcap, Edge. Jesus, Edge is facing Duggan tonight. Here comes We Are The Union. AND IT'S NEXT. Lawler can't wait.

Commercials.

The action was just so intense, that the match started during the break. Coach mentions some WWE.com exclusives. For those who need assistance sleeping. Brawling. Brawling on the outside. Duggan gets beat for a bit. Edge gets tossed in the ring, Duggan persues, and gets booted right in the fucking head with a dropkick. 2 count. Duggan with 10-punches. Scoop slam! It's over! Lita! Distraction! Spear! Pinfall! Boardshot! Edge is mad at Foley. Wrestlemania, they're a tusslin'

Backstage: Big Show describes his 'one goal'. Win the WWE title. Except he's done that before.

Commercials.

The Champ Is in India: Trying to promote his album that no one will buy again? Jesus, like .01% of India's population is there. That's a lot of people.

No One Escapes Recapping The Hundreds of Teased Masterlocks and Escapes vs. There are no more Kane nicknames

Brawling. Brawling on the outside. They go inside. Let the headlocks begin. Joey mis-calls Kane's Sidewalk slam. Masterlock... no. Chokeslam... no. Masterlock... no. Kane reverses, Kane gets a fluke move, pin, 3. Post-match, Masters beats Kane up. Coach praises Masters's Moxie. This match was as frustrating as Disco Banditry.

Commercials.

Backstage: Rob Van Dam describes why he wants to win matches.

Michaels video package.

Backstage: Smug McSwaggerSmug watches himself on TV. The Spirit Squad come in. 4 of them are going to face Michaels tonight. Jesus. I never asked for this.

Can Hollywood stop making movies where Milla MojoJojovich or whoever is a superheroine?

I WAS BORN INTO A WORLD... YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND (being black) vs I WAS BORN INTO A WORLD... YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND(being old)

You wouldn't understand what the world was like 2000 years ago. Backstage: Shelton and Mama have a moment. Coach uses "Baby Boy" in somewhat appropriate context. Oh, they're brawling. Sheltong gets chopped over the top. Way too exciting, we need a break.

Commercials.

Flair's about to lock in the figure four, Shelton sends him outside. Shelton pursues, goes into a chop. More brawling. Shelton suplexes Flair back into the ring. Deadly headlocks! Slam, 2 count for Shelton. Clothesline, Shelton covers, but Flair puts his feet on the ropes. Shelton tries the figure four, but gets pushed off. Shelton off the top rope, gets punched in the fucking face. 2 count. Figure four. Mama's got the vapors. The ref is distacted. Shelton takes this opportunity to GET THE OXYGEN! DUN-NUH! GET THE OXYGEN! Oxygen shot to Flair! World Series of T-Boners! Shelton wins the Intercontinental title after months of Flair not defending it. Did Lawler just call Shelton's Mama "heel"?

Smackdown Letdown: Wow, Cole's hyperbolic commentary is making this Undertaker match sound much more exciting than it probably was.

Commercials.

Flamboyant Manliness vs You call that 'flamboyant'? Girl~

The Spirit Squad all have various -y names like Johnny and Kenny and Billy and Stupidy. Johnny and Shawn go around for a while. Tag to "Nicky". Some headlocks and stuff happens, the Spirit Squad gets a trampoline out from under the ring. Shawn's on the outside, Kenny jumps off the trampoline... clothesline! Hahaha. In the ring again, blows are traded. The punching kind. Kenny's legal, I guess. He jumps, and lands ass on canvas. Tag to Mikey. He gets chopped. Clothesline. Kipup. Atomic drop. Punches for everyone else. Scoop slam. It's over! Stomping. Souperkick, cover, but the entire Spirit Squad interrupts. Dairy Queen. Beatdown on Michaels. Butwait, Wasn't I Innn Jaaaaail? is Marty Jannetty. Jail. Jail! Jail! Jail!

Commercials.

I spit in the face of people who don't get entrances vs. Jobber

Nick Berk? Berg? Carltio cuts a promo as he kicks this guy's ass. Monkey in the Bank at Wrestlemania. What a segment. Still, probably the best part of this disaster.

Commercials.

Opening Promo: During the Break: Matt Fucking Striker? Cut a WWE.com only promo. God, this RAW was made for punishing its audience. I'm glad I'm not at the arena.

Oh, in case you didn't know, Eddie Guererro died. And will be in the WWE Hall of Fame.

Opening Promo: We obviously haven't had enough McMahon tonight. Stupid gimmick match, Marty Jannetty could be presented with a contract. He has to join the "Kiss my ass club" next week. JESUS NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN. IF I HAD TAPED THIS AND HAD BATTERIES FOR MY CAMERA I WOULD HAVE CAPTURED THE SPITTLE THAT ESCAPED FROM VINCE'S MOUTH AGH FUCK THIS RAW IS AWFUL FUCK FUCK

Backstage: HHH explains how he hasn't washed his hair for 2 weeks.

Commercials.

I've been broken, I'm sorry.

God, there's still like 20 minutes to go. Big Show throws HHH during his entrance, dashing my hopes of there being like 10 minutes of entrance followed by commercials. Dashing, I say. RVD breaks up a pin from Big Show, then gets beat up. Then goes out to beat up HHH on the outside. Stupid chops. RVD follows, and Big Show kills him, too.

Commercials.

During the Break, Big Show still didn't sell anything. HHH gets whipped into RVD, but RVD flips over it. Kick to Big Show's head. HE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO SELL CAN YOU BELIEVE THE POWER!? HHH and RVD gang up on him. And finally get him to go on his knees. Whoops, double chokeslam. Naptime. HHH gets powerslammed, but RVD breaks up the pin. Scoop slam! It's over! They finally get Big Show out of the ring, HHH and RVD go at it. Split-legged moonsault gets 2. Really fucked up Bee's Knees. Dragon Whip. LOL-ing Thundar. Up top, 5-Star Frog Splash! Big Show interrupts the cover. HEEL kick knocks Big Show down! RVD up top! HHH interrupts, the ref checks on Rob who is dead on the outside. HHH gets the chair, chairshot, Pedigree. Yawn. Cover... RVD interrupts! A little unexpected. HHH gets sent outside on a backbodydrop. Rob up top! Frog Splash! HHH grabs the ref's legs, preventing the count, HHH runs in, Pedigree, worst RAW in a long time. Fuck. Butwait!, The Champ is here, to add a final note to this shitfest. He and HHH staredown. Stairdown.

Final Thoughts: Gah.