Captain's Blog: The story of the Train Man who fell in love with the girl. And recapped a boring RAW.
Oh boy, more shitty tournament tonight.
Opening Promo: My High Knee Shall Henceforth Be Known as "The Bee's Knees" vs My Entire Moveset Shall Henceforth Be Known as a Sleep Inducer
Punching! My god, we've got punching right off the get-go here! Big Show picks HHH a couple times. Stomping. Stepping on HHH's hand. Vicious ring psychology involving HHH's hand. HHH does a Flair Flop. HHH gets whipped out of the ring. Ouch. HHH pushes Show into the ringpost on the outside. Let's take a break.
Commercials.
We're back, sleepers, Big Show has bladed. Big Show with an atomic drop. Headbutt. Headbutt. Powerslam. Roar. Legdrop misses. Chokeslam... HHH gets a DDT. Bee's Knees! Pedigree! Cover! 2 count! Sidewalk slam. Joey: "HHH driven headfirst into the canvas!" What is it with Joey and sidewalk slams? Naptime. HHH up top, jumps, right into the goozle, chokeslam! 1, 2... HHH puts his foot on the ropes! They go outside for nonsense. Foolishness into the stairs. More outside bullshit. The ref calls for a count out! Wow, that's the most bullshit I think I've ever seen. They keep fighting. HHH gets a chair, but gets Fatvalanched THROUGH the barricade. Jesus. Play Big Show's music! Coach seems to be confused as to why the music's playing, too, since they both lost. So it's not just me. I'm guessing HHH somehow still faces Cena at Wrestlemania. Love will find a way.
Commercials.
A SHAWN MICHAELS MOMENT: His smile has gone missing!
Commercials.
Backstage: Todd asks No Chance! (of a clever nickname) what the fuck. He's very vague. Both HHH and Big Show advance, somehow. Butwait: HERE COMES A NEW SHELTON'S MAMA. God, how pointless.
Backstage: Foley practices his "Big Time." When butwait: Lita and Edge come back to butter him up. Butter his rolls. Lita pretends she's read his books to suck up. Edge: "Okay, cut the crap. Nobody read your books."
Commercials.
Shelton... Shelton, wake up! Your entrance NOOO makes such beautiful music vs. Were there any retards in Chrono Trigger? Well, there was Marle OH BURN
Eugene does his usual retarded shtick. Northern Lights? Weird. 2. They dance around for a bit, Shelton lands the T-Bone, that's it. He's gonna face Flair next week. Or Wrestlemania. Something.
MICHAELS MOMENT: HHH and he bring up Madison Square Garden for some reason.
Backstage: Ashley pushes her boobs together.
Commercials.
Wrestle Really Mediocre-ly, It's all that you can do vs. Fired Employed
Hairpulling. They tussle a bit. Some sloppy spots, Ashley eventually beats Torrie with a rollup. Candice announces that she's gonna be on the cover of Playboy.
MICAELS MOMENT: Some clip from a RAW I probably haven't rebeaked yet from December.
Commercials.
Opening Mandatory Retirement Party: McMahon. He introduces Michaels by calling him 'the biggest pain in the ass'. Enter Speaking of Pains in the asses. Here's our tribute to HBK. Starting with The Squirtle Squad. Okay, time to retire. Michaels pleads his case. McMahon cuts his mic. Shades of Bill O'Reilly. Michaels refuses to sign. "AH CAN'T DO IT!" Cue the rambling McMahon promo. "You have no idea what it's like being me!" CRAWWWLING IN MY PANTS, THERE ARE NO PANTS IN HELL. After a few minutes of that, Michaels rips up the contract. And gets slapped. McMahon walks away. Well.
Commercials.
The announcers blabber. Let's see our WWE Hall of Fame thing. Bret Hart gets.
He-Man (w/the Masters of the Boringverse) vs. We can't stop here, this is Masterpiece country
Headlocks. Masters mocks the thumbs, so he gets kicked. So does Rob. Dropkick to Masters' toe. Dropkicks to the head. Guillotine legdrop on the apron. Legdrop. Does Masters have an Aerosmith logo on his panties? Terrible. Masters tackles Rob. Rob oversells a punch, goes through the ropes, onto the arpon, Masters charges him and he flies into the crowd. Back in the ring, TORCHA Rack. Rob with a sunset flip for 2. Various beatings. Various borings. Rob with a kick off the top rope, HEEL kick. Rob up top, another flying kick. Masters lies out, ROFLing Thunder. Rop up top, but Masters crotches him. Masters goes up too, they punch for a bit. Rob kicks him off, Frog Splash, Rob moves on to the finals. I guess.
Backstage: Jack, who is confirmed to be Trish's recurring big-nosed boyfriend character, goes backstage, where Mickey is dressed as Trish. WOW, he's a bad actor. Speaking of bad acting, she pretneds to be raped by him until security drags him away.
Commercials.
Backstage: Mickey screams and squeals to Security Dude and Trish.
Let's see a recap of the Edge/Cena feud, for those of us who slept through it. Very easy to do.
Special Guest Referee I put on my sweatpants and wizard hat
Commercials.
The "R" on my Crotch stands for "Ridiculous Amount of STDs In Here" vs. The Champ Is Here, Doing Various Things
Coach: "Okay, get it all out of your system. 'The champ is here, the champ is doin' this, the champ is doin' that." Suddenly lockups, millions of them. This is obviously too exciting.
Commercials.
I seem to have lost a paragraph somehow. All that happened was Lita tried to remove the turnbuckle pad, Foley Saw her, and ejected her. Nothing else. NOTHING.
Commercials.
During the break, some things actually happened. They're brawling on the outside. They go back in the ring and sleep for a bit. Now some fast paced brawling. Sidewalk slam from Cena. Joey: "Beautiful Belly to belly!" Well, it wasn't really a sidewalk slam, but it certainly wasn't a belly2belly. Cena up top, Edge goes up to intercept, powerbomb! Edge covers, Foley spots the feet on the ropes. Edge argues with Foley, Cena drops him, turns invisible, 5 knucklely shuffle, F-U.. No, Edge gets a DDT. 2 count. Foley gets killed, Cena locks in the STFU, but Lita runs in to attack. Cena turns around, distraction! Foley lives, Edge with the Spear! Cover, 2! Edge up top, Cena catches him, F-U, win. Cena escapes, then Lita crotches Foley, and Edge spears him.
Final Thoughts: Did Edge spear Cena? I may have mis-called that. Ah well. Who cares about accuracy? CERTAINLY NOT DICK CHENEY LOLOLOLO