Captain's Blog: What a shitty week. A shitty wee. Get the fuck out of my base.

Oh boy, shitty tournament tonight.

Opening Promo: I AM ERROR, (Maria) replacing Lilian for some reason, introduces Dr. Teeth w/ Skanky Mayhem. Edge with some bizarre facial expressions and face contortioning. "Everyone's been askin' me: RATED R! RATED R! WHAT'S GOING ON WITH LITA?!" OH GODS EDGE IS BEING MEAN TO MARIA. UH OHES! Does Edge's new shirt incorporate a Trogdor design? Oh, before I can think about that, BUTWAIT, out HOES WASHED-UP-ERCATS! HOOOOO! (w/Plank). Duggan: "g;ahglsghfjghflghfdgjhdfgbrgffohb! USA! HOOO!" Edge beats him up. Lita beats up Maria. Butwait, in slides WARNING: A HUGE SUCK JOHN CENA IS APPROACHING FAST to kind of look at Edge and make he and Lita run away.

Commercials.

Kane! Only your suck can stop Valvalis's Spin! vs. If Relm Sketches Me, Is that a Masterpiece, Too?

Grappling and shit. Charging and shit. Masters with snake eyes. Calling for the Masterlock, gets punched. Boot! Can you believe it?! Irish whips! Sidewalk slam. Kane up top, lands in a Masterlock, sort of, but shakes it off. Chokeslam, no. Masterlock, Kane slips out, kick to the head. Punch. Kane slips out of a Masterlock again, but sits on Kane and grabs the ropes for 3. Haha, deliciously awful. Masters advances in whatever tournament.

Backstage: Edge has some match, and he wants Lita as his guest referee. Oh, they're complaining to Big Swagger McPoopyPants, who sort of agrees. If Edge and Lita beat Maria and Cena, then they get their demands met.

Backstage: Ashley kind of moves her arms twice to warm up. Welp, that's all you need!

Commercials.

BORE THE FANS, IT'S ALL THAT YOU CAN DO vs. You're a kook. You're crazy in the coconut.

Special Guest Referee Uh. More like "BITCH Stratus" M I RITE?! I'm reaching. Mickey accidentally hits Trish. Ashley covers, 3. Well, at least it's over. It was literally that short, too.

Commercials. Oh, lovely, Canada doesn't have pre-empted RAW because of the Dog Show or Monk-athon or whatever the fuck.

During the Break: On a WWE.com "exclusive", the Spirit Squad did... nothing.

Backstage: Mickey and Trish meep and moop. Here comes Trish's very large-nosed date for the evening, Jack. Mickey is perturbed.

Backstage: Shelton pushes Mama around in the HEELchair. Nothing really happens. Eugene, Heavily Medicated Retard comes to act, well, retarded. Shelton chases him off. Mama: "GIMME THA OXYGEN!" It's like a Frank Zappa song.

Commercials.

Wrestlemania BIG TIME Moment: 1998, Pete Rose gets tombstoned. THAT'S PETE ROSE! THAT'S PETE ROSE! Thanks for pointing that out, JR.

A titlebelt that doesn't mean what it used to, above a crotch that doesn't mean what it used to vs. notenoughroomforanickname

Lockups and junk. Punching, chopping. Flair back body drops HHH off a charge, and we're already at commercials.

Commercials.

Flair is chopping. HHH knocks him down. Kneedrop!!! Clubbery, Flair flops. A kneedrop that blatantly misses Flair's head, cover, some black guy in the crowd waves two fingers back and forth at HHH. Vertical suplex, 2. Really terrible punching. Chopping by Flair. Downright awful swinging neckbreaker from HHH. Flair sends HHH's head into the turnbuckle. THE ROLLUP gets 2. Stuff. Joey: "Flair UNLOADING on The Game!" HHH goes up while Flair is down, boot to the face. Chopblock knocks HHH down, Flair going up top for The Move That Never Works! HHH, natrually goes to intercept, BUT No! Thumb to the eye! Holy shit, really shitty flying clothesline! What the fuck!? Figure four! HHH reaches the ropes. The ref gets thumbed to the eye, Flair with a low blow. Choppin'. Pedigree, that was abrupt. HHH advances in the tournament, and walks off triumphantly holding his balls, much like Angle did last year.

Oh, let's see the stupid Godaddy.com commercial.

Backstage: Maria babbles at Cena. He respons by kissing her? Christ, how lame.

Commercials.

WELL IT'S THE BAD HAIRCUT vs. DTA - DO TOUCH ASSES

Men's asses, obviously. Out comes Vince, to try and convince Shawn to retire. Oh, Shawn's been replaced by Shelton. I'm not changing anything I already emboldened.

We come back to Shelton being beat up. Stupid shushing chops. Standard Big Show bullshit. Show catches Shelton's foot, Dragon Whip. Shelton off the top, crazy flippy bulldog! Cover, 1? Fuck that. Shelton knocks Show down again, 2. Clotheslines. Shitty scoop slam, fatvalanche. Show's about to charge, but Mama grabs his foot. Show's back is turned, Shelton with a really weak-looking spin kick. Big Show goes outside, Shelton follows, but gets punched in the gut. Shelton tossed back in the ring, Show argues with Mama. Mama has a heart attack or something. Chokeslam, we're done. RIC FLAIR Mama needs medical attention! Wow, that guy had his stethoscope right there, on the spot.

Commercials.

During the Break: During the Bread. All the announcers practice their gravitas.

Backstage: Carlito: *Sounds of Puerto Rican People complaining about being attacked off camera*.

Smackdown Rebound: Randy informs us that Eddie's... IN HELL! I'll leave the ORALE, SATAN! jokes to JG.

Re! Spect! Walk! (off camera): I spit in the face of tepid returns from injuries

Clubberings. Carlito keeps going to the outside. Guardrail spot.

Commercials.

Carlito has RVD in a headlock. During the break, Carlito dodged a flying press or something. Some various things and 2 counts. A few sleepers mixed in, complete with RVD making ridiculous facial expressions. Kicks. Rolling thunder. Again. Cover, 2. Slam, Carlito gets the knees up for the Split-legged moonsault. Rollup, Carlito's got the tights! Coach: "THERE IT IS! THERE IT IS!" Rob with a crazy pin for 2. Rob's prone, Carlito up top! Some kind of crazy twisty splash from the second rope! Holy shit! 2! Arch deluxe! Wow, nice sell. 2 count. Carlito's a bit pissed. Gets a chair. Gets Van Daminatored. Frog splash, we done. Well, not bad. RVD advances. You know, I have no idea what this tournament is for.

Backstage: Edge and Lita walk.

Commercials.

I already gave these suckas nicknames. Edge and Cena punch. Suplex gets 2 for Cena. Edge dodges Cena's charge, so Cena Angleizes himself. Edge tosses Cena. Into the stairs, apparently Maria was tagged somehow a while ago. Tag to Lita. Stupid stuff. Oh, Lita kicked her. Russian legsweep. Maria dodges a charge, and tags Cena. Edge runs in, Cena goes crazy. Cena drinks the invisibility potion, but Lita distracts him. Coach: "Once again John Cena proves that he isn't that smart." Lita up top, she accidentally 'ranas Edge. Cena doesn't do much, Edge comes in and accidentally spears Lita. Cena tags Maria, she runs in for the 3. Oh, Cean picks his special guest referee. Here comes I'll have to wear my striped sweatpants.

Final Thoughts: Well, better than last week.