Captain's Blog: Wow, I'm missing some shitty Enterprise for this. Feel lucky to have my attention, WWE.
Opening Promo: I'm so evil, I'm the one who greenlighted the Enterprise finale. Let's go back to the Royal Rumpus, where HE'S SHUFFLYFEETING HIS JOHNSON Shane-o-Mac Danced Shawn Michaels into being eliminated from the Rumble. Ryumbule. Enter He was a boy, He was a sexy boy, could I make it any more obvious? I feel dirty after that. I wanted to make it obvious that he has sex with boys. Supposedly Avril lives in the hotel accross the street from me. In the future, where I live. Big ups to TNM, who may remember that joke between us. Vince wanted the "old HBK" or something, he mentioned this during his 5 minute rambling tirade last week. The old, drug-abusing, Dean Douglas-squashing HBK, apparently. Shawn challenges Vince to a match. Joey has strangely not said anything yet. Eventually it de-evolves into Austin vs. McMahon again. Joey finally speaks. As Vince best Shawn to hit him, Shane comes from behind with a flying squirrel chairshot. Are we done with this? Can I eat my orange yet? Yes.
Commercials. This orange is delicious.
During the Break: Shane confirming the renewal of Austin vs. McMahon is surprisingly not a WWE.com exclusive.
A very, very, very slow Cadillac, daddy. vs. Already Suckin' Toes In the Ring
Joey remarks how great it is to "see RVD back in his tights." Punching, flippines. Snitsky charges into a boot. Rob goes up, but Snitsky clotheslines him. Sleepah. What a hideous onesie. Sleeping, bearhug. RVD charges right into a powerslam. Nice "BO-RING" chant. RVD with an enzugiri, heel kick, rolling thunder. Stuff, kicking, frog splash, this is finally put to rest.
Commercials. The OFFICIAL THEME SONG OF WRESTLEMANIA is "BIG TIME" by Peter Gabriel?! What. The. Fuck. Shades of Weekly Visitor 4 years ago.
Coach remarks that the Carolina Panthers in attendance have nothing better to do than attend RAW.
Backstage: Shelton and Mama have troubles. Mama wants a massage, but Fatdust sneaks up behind her. "Shelton! Sheeelton! Some little freak is in heah!" "Ohhh Shelton! Yo' mama needs ya!"
Backstage: HHH presents how greased up he is. He hates Chavo? Weird things happened at the rumble, I gather.
MUST... DEVOUR... JOBBERS... vs. Ooohh, My Tragedy Is Now An Angle
Commercials before Chavo comes out.
No entrance for Chavo. Headscissors, dropkicks from Chavo! HHH goes out of the ring! And, that's all Chavo'll get. HHH in the ring, punching and crap. Chavo manages to get the upper hand, and knocks HHH out again. Suicide dive! Nice. HHH comes back in the ring, clobbers Chavo, and let's see some more commercials.
Commercials.
Back, HHH tosses Chavo, but Chavo hangs onto the ropes, and walks into an atomic drop. Backbreaker. HHH hurting Chavo's knee and crap. More of this. HHH mocks Eddie. Chavo dropkicks HHH, naptime. Whips, punchery, Chavo with a swinging DDT, cover, 2. Three Amigos, Chavo up top, HHH crotches him. Punching on the top, HHH falls, Chavo misses the splash, Pedigree, fuck. I'm pretty amazed how much Raw sucks. Coach: "So much for Eddie Guerrero!"
Backstage: Carlito complains to Chris Masters about Shaq assing him. Carlito apologizes to Masters for the Elimination chamber fiasco, but gets slapped.
Commercials.
Another Bizarre Event/Tag Team Predicted by Weekly Visitor vs. Suckfire and Suckstone
Why does everyone keep mentioning some of JR's hackneyed rurual colloquialisms? Fuck him. Oh, Carlito gets beat up for a while. Kane goes outside, and Masters whips him into the stairs. Arch deluxe! Tag to Masters. Coach calls him a 'young stud.' God, stop it, everyone. Punching and crap. Masterlock... yes! Kane reaches the ropes. Tag to Big Show. Coach: "Here comes the very fresh Big Show!" He kills everyone, but Carlito pulls down the bottom rope off a charge, and Show goes flying. Masterlock on Kane! Show kills Carlito on the outside, comes in to break the Masterlock. Masters chopblocks Show, tries a Masterlock, but Kane interferes, and Masters gets double chokeslammed. I don't know how the fuck, but that was the best match of the night so far.
Commercials. Wrestlemania Preview. Man, I wonder if Peter Gabriel will be there.
Backstage: RVD remarks about how he just beat up and ran off Carlito, and it all happened off camera.
Backstage: Grish interviews Mickey James about her ongoing psychoses, and my ongoing frustrations with this angle.
Let's see a video package of Edge and John Cena's ongoing tryst.
Commercials. Oh, I hate it when the camera nods 'yes' at Grisham's questions. This month's WWE On Demand theme is "MIDGET MANIA"! Jesus fucking Christ, if that doesn't make you want to call your cable company this FUCKING minute, I don't know what will. Todd follows up with all sorts of 'short' jokes. Always a picture of class, Todd.
CRAZY FAT BLACK MAMA LAWLS vs. Seriously, he looks pretty heavy
Golddust and Shelton crawl around for a bit. Punching. Lots of ducked clotheslines and crap. More punching. Shelton gets set up for Shattered Dreams, but Mama stands up from her wheelchair she was in that I forgot to mention. The ref is distracted enough for Golddust to hit it. Golddust goes outside to pose for Mama all sexily. Goes back in the ring, Shelton boots him. T-bone suplex, fight, Shelton, for everlasting Mama angles.
Commercials.
Backstage: Mama's gotta use the facilities. Shelton walks up to Flair, and says he wants the IC title back. Mama's boy is said again.
Opening Promo: Crazy Bitch introduces Not Crazy Bitch. Mickey brings out THE SPIRIT SQUAD! To give Trish a cheer. Coach professes his love for the Spirit Squad. Oh, and here's That other bitch. Ashley tells Mickey that Trish doesn't really like her. And that she's crazy. Mickey breaks down into tears. And leaves. Oh wait, she attacks Ashley.
Backstage, Lita mats down Edge. Coach: "There he is, boys!"
Commercials. It's amazing how much disdain and ridiculousness I'm going to look back on things like Undertaker shooting lighting out of his hands with.
Apparently My Crotch is Rated R. 'R' for "Recepient of many diseases" vs. omg stfu fag lol
Lockups. An exciting headlock. They go outside. And back inside the ring. Cena hits a suplex! Our first move of the match! Oh, there was a headlock earlier. Backbodydrop on Edge. Elbowdrop. Sign: "I'M CARLITO SON!" Shit, son! Cena does the same suplex again for 2. Is that sign praising Jack Chick? Oh, I'm missing a headlock. Sorry. Edge up top, Cena pushes him into the announce table. Haha, Edge sold it like he died. Eyes all glazed over.
Commercials.
Edge has tossed Cena into the stairs, and throws him into the ring. Punching. Cena on the top rope now, getting punched. In ur base, getting punched. Hurricanrana off the top! Very bizarre submission move on Cena. Edge is just kind of hanging on Cena. Cena gets out of it, gets punched. Clotheslines. Cena charges into a boot, catches Edge off the top, slams him for 2. Boot to Cena's head, but Cena hits a pinebuster for 2. Pseudo-arch deluxe (no knees) gets 2 for Edge. Edge up top again, gets crotched. Superplex, naptime. Cena crawls over for 2. Edge with a takedown, covers, feet on the ropes, Cena kicks out. Spinebuster, invisibility, fuck-knuckle shuffle, F-U... Edge throws Cena into the ref. Low blow. Spear! Ref's still dead. Lita gets the title belt, but Edge gets in F-U position. Lita accidentally(?) hits Edge with the belt, so Edge gets disqualified. So, so, so stupid. FOR MORE INFORMATION LOG ONTO WWE.COM!!!
Final Thoughts: I apologize for that, but I certainly have a very shitty Raw to blame.