Captain's Blog: Grr.

Opening Promo: Hedge; w/Burning Bush (Chlamydia) is here to yammer. Lita gets the mic and coughs. Edge will be at Wrestlemania. Edge calls Mick Foley a "Transitional Champion". Time to insult Ric Flair, because they're in North Carolina. "And then... and then, me and Lita..." Eww, mirrors on the ceiling. "Hydraulics on the bed." Jesus, what the hell kind of sex are they having? Butwait, I'm in Flair's Base, rhymin' 'Luigi' with 'balls'. Cena talks about Edge's upcoming movie. Gay jokes! Yes! You'd never let me down, Cena! Blowjob jokes for Lita. Edge teams with Giovanni to take on Cena and Giovanni.

Commercials.

If Carlito Tagged with HHH they'd be "Applebees" vs. Suck

Somebody has a crude drawing of Master Shake or something captioned "Now That's Cool." Weird. Sign: "WE ARE JUST 6 DAY AWAY" 6 day away from mine grammar examme. Oh, Carlito goes up, missile dropkick, 1. Fucking Kane. Coach is very rowdy on commentary tonight, remarks Joey. Kane gets rowdy. Clotheslines and punching. Legdrop, 2. Sidewalk slam. What did Joey call that last week? Inverted backside powerslam? Elevated backical suplex? Carlito with the Arch Deluxe! Cover, 2. 2nd rope inverted senton! Jesus, where did Carlito learn that? Carlito up again, lands in a goozle, pokes the eye. Carlito runs out for a chair, gets Van Dayominatored, but comes off the ropes and clobbers Kane with the chair. Dairy Queen. Carlito hangs around for a bit until Kane zombie sitsup.

Backstage: Edge and Lita plot, plot, plot. Outside Big Show's door.

Commercials.

Coach remarks that the Carolina Panthers in attendance have nothing better to do than attend RAW.

Backstage: Lita attemtps to slut Big Show into being Edge's tag partner. Edge walks in on it. "You like that, Show?" Big Show hems and haws and refuses. Then he threatens beatings.

Backstage: Women. Bickering. What'shername is freaking out because Trish is teaming with somebody else.

Commercials. Grisham claims the WWE has been 'on fire' lately. Burning with suck.

Coach is wearing a Steelers jersey, and gives them big ups. Now he's making an announcement. He's the final spot in the Royal Rumble. Lawler: "Hold the phone there, skinhead!" *silently, creepily, stupidly LOLing at himself*. Uh, they're doing something tonight? Whoever wins goes to the Rumble. Blech.

Really not in the mood for womens

Ashley pinned Victoria. Trish was her partner against Victoria and Candace. This is in case The Cubs Fan ever comes back to life and would, for whatever reason, decide to index this RAW.

Backstage: Shelton's Mama is doin' laundry. Backstage. Where they have all those washing machines. Uh oh, HBK's been callin' Shelton a Mama's Boy.

Commercials.

Possibly some stopping me, yes vs. Your Shitty Push is God's Will

Butwait! !! Out walks NO CHANCE... OF RAW NOT SUCKING. If Shawn loses, he's no longer in the Royal Rumble. They grapple around for a while. Endless lockup. Shelton's Mom, off camera: "Sssssssshelton...." How Smeagolesque. And scary. Clotheslines. Shelton gets sent outside. Shawn goes out, chops him, they go back in. Shelton off the top rope, Shawn tries to take him out with the superkick, but Shelton catches the foot! Dragon whip! Fucking awesome. Shawn gets sent outside.

Commercials.

I'm glad we didn't miss this thrilling headlock during the break. Samoan Drop on Shawn. Backbodydrop. 2 count. Mama: "WHOOP HIM! WHOOP HIM!" Nice elbow to HBK's face. A little something, Shawn gets enzugiri'd to the outside. More commercials? What the fuck.

Commercials.

I'm so glad we didn't miss this thrilling punching during the break. HBK down, kipup, atomic drop, a flurry of clotheslines. Scoop slam. It's over! Shawn goes up top, but Shelton runs up and pulls him down. Shelton gets a spinning heel kick after the naptime. 2. Shawn ducks a clothesline, hits a charging Shelton with one of his own for 2. HBK up top again, elbowdrop. Shawn goes insane, starts stomping. But here comes mama. Distraction! Shelton rolls up Shawn, but the ref is too distracted by Mama. Rollup reversed, grabbing the tights the ref finally notices, 3 count for Shawn. Coach: "Leave it to Shawn Michaels to have to cheat to win!" Shawn goes and splashes on the announce table for no reason. "That's what happens when you're at ringside, baby boy!"

Backstage: Edge and Lita talk up HHH, who is in a dapper suit. A very modest gray. HHH ponders this. Lita: "That's basically 'yes.'"

Commercials.

Before things get too exciting tonight, let's run down the Royal Rumble card again. JBL vs. The Boogeyman. Joey: "HERE IS A MATCHUP I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE!!" Way too excited.

Backstage: Vince congratulates Shawn on not losing. Vince: "I've got more money than... God." Vince goes on for a while about how he's gonna get Shawn Michaels. Wow, I zoned out for a while, and Vince was still going on about how Shawn's gonna get it.

Commercials.

A Seahawks Jersey would have made more sense, baby boy! vs. You see, by humiliating people like Tazz and Gregory Helms, I'm really actually elevating them!

Lawler with a quick cover, 1. They fuck around for a bit when... But-What the fuck?! Some Male cheerleaders break through paper on the ramp and come out and yell into a megaphone and do some assorted cheers. For Coachman. Lawler goes up top, but one of the cheerleaders blows an air horn! Distraction! Coach rolls up Lawler form behind, and grabs the ropes! That's it! Cheers for Coach. They spell "COACH" using their arms a la YMCA. Seriously, what the fuck.

Commercials.

Coach claims he has no idea who those dudes were. Just some male cheerleaders who happened to like the Coach!

The Following is a Royal Second Top Chance Rope Over Match Rumble The

Gregory Helms, Rob Conway, Big Show, Lance Cade. Everybody goes after Big Show. Helms gets tossed. TERRIBLE boot, Show must have missed him by like 3 inches, Cade's gone. There goes Conway, and Helms. Well, that was fucking great. Butwait, out comes It's all about the fakes, and how you detect them. HHH died on the way back to his home planet. He's not partnering with Edge tonight.

Backstage: Edge and Lita bemoan, when a mystery person walks into their room. Edge is very happy.

Commercials.

?????????????????????????

Edge's Partner is NOT AS MUCH OF A MASTERPIECE AS FLCL IS. Coach: "Yeees!" Cena is teaming with How do you learn to get punched and fall off a ladder in a shitty match ending?! Ya just can't!. Coach: "Is he gonna come down in a wheelchair?!" Cena starts with Masters. Tag to Flair. Punching and chopping and crap. They go outside. Chopping. Back in. Chopping. Masters grabs Flair. Scoop slam. It's over! Flair outside, Edge suplexes him. Masters pulls Flair back in the ring, cover, 2. Tag to Edge, stomp. Flair chops, gets punched. Tag to Masters. Punch. Flair starts up his "Ah! Shit!" stuff, which gets bleeped. Masters with a bearhug. Flair charges, into a scoopslam. It's over! Edge in, jumps off the top rope, but Flair moves out of the way. Flop. Tags all around. Cena goes apeshit. Goes for the F-U on Edge, but Lita interferes. Masterlock on Cena, but Flair chopblocks him. F-U for Masters, STF. "STF-U" God, I'm not calling it that. I refuse to accept the STF as his finisher as it is, let alone calling it something like that.

Final Thoughts: I'm in ur base, sleeping soundly.