Captain's Blog: If you're taking EAS 102, I hope you're prepared for a probably mediocre grade on your exam. Just sayin'. I've been playing a little bit of Homeworld lately, to stave off this writer's cramp from writing comments in red ink. If I make any jokes about THA MOTHASHIP being under fire, you'll know where I'm coming from. HERE ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

Venis Boredom Encircle vs. Hurdy Gurdy Berk Berk Berk!

That's my Sweedish Chef impersonation. What's with this weird intro music? Hosts are Todd and Coach. Special Guest Ring Announcer is Maria. Because apparently they record Heat after RAW now. Lockups, as Coach bitches about all the bad shit that happens to him. Berk suckerpunches Venis, who retaliates with one of his own. Val whips him, and chops. Berk with a really overexaggerated scream. We're talking like Jeff Bridges being thrown against the wall and being killed by the MCP screaming here. Grisham: "Few do the chop better than Val Venis." Sure. Whip into the corner, another chop. Headbutt. Knee to Berk's gut, side Pornish Legsweep. Showboating! Gyrating! Ground and pound, as Coach insinuates that Todd is gay. And Val, by proxy. Berk busts out of a sleeper. Todd asks Coach where he was during RAW. Coach: "Takin' care of bidness. Taking care of a few day-to-day operations." Taking a crap? Just come out and say it. Val is selling the knee for some reason. Dropkick to the knee. Knee workings. Showboating from Berk. Val takes advantage, but Berk comes back with more knee workings. Val fights back with shitloads of clotheslines, as Coach and Todd prattle endlessly about Hogan. Val with a pinebuster, after trying a backbodydrop and failing due to knee issues. A second whip, and a repeated spot finally gets him that ever essential backbodydrop that this match would have been completely lost and worthless without. 10 punchings. Half nelson slam. Todd: "With authority!" Coach: "WITH AUTHOOOOOORITY." Val goes to the upper plate of Midgar, drops the dime or however much the Money Shot is worth. Let's see some shots of women in the crowd how are slightly more than apathetic about this victory.

I wonder if the WWE happens to have a pedal steel guitar player on staff for composing entrance music? vs. Jakus Plisken, Viking Warrior

And Cameron Bates, too. His name isn't as ridiculous, though. Coach and Todd bring up how many jobbers they've beaten lately. Cade and as-yet-unnamed start. Slap. Tag to Murdoch, who clubbers as Coach seriously discusses the chances of Cade and Murdoch winning the titles. Tag to Plisken, I think? Trevor clubbers more, but gets surprise-dly rolled up for 2. Tag to Cade. This match has quite a lot of punching. Murdoch in. Coach: "Oh boy! A chop!" Bootchoke. Cade chokes Plisken on the rops as the ref argues. Murdoch clobbers him, and Cade with a guillotine legdrop. Murdoch covers, 2. Cade in, double backbodydrop. Choking. HEADLOCK from Plisken. Dropkick. Murdoch and Cameron both in. Elbow from Cameron, but Cade comes in to spinebust him. Doubleteam charging clothesline from opposite ends wins it. Todd wonders when their winning streak will end. When they stop wrestling jobbers.

Do you really want me to recap the Diva Boot Camp? No one used a "stand at attention" joke, so maybe I shouldn't out of principle.

SEEN IT!

Apparently Conway is losing a lot lately. To Snitsky. Whip, Conway gets nailed, and goes out for a breather. Back in. Dodges a charge, and hits some punches. Whip, armdrag. Scoop slam! It's over! Snitsky with a delayed vertical suplex. Snitsky outside again, sneaks a chopblock on Snitsky when he isn't looking, and starts a-stompin'. Baseball slide sends Snitsky outside, leap from the steps, but Snitsky catches him, and fucks up whatever he was gonna do, so Conway sends his head into the post. Conway goes out to punch him some. Back in the ring, 2 count. At 5:55 into this clip (not even counting the introductions), Coach says that Conway has gotten the better of Snitsky for the past "5 to 10 minutes." Wow. Epic match on our hands. Sleeper on Snitsky. Punches are traded. Hawaiian for Fruit. Dropkick from Conway, 2. Another sleeper, sweet! Snitsky get out, but gets punched and eye gouged. Kick to Snitsky's head. Sidewalk slam turns things around for Snitsky, scoop slam! It's over! Cover, 2. Snitsky charges into a boot, and Conway goes up for a kick right to Snitsky's jaw from the 2nd rope. Kind of neat. Conway charges, but gets murdered with a clothesline. Big boot, and I'll see you in a month for this same match again. Sign: "CAR RAMROD" Nice. That's restored my faith.

Final Thoughts: I somehow feel a lot better after seeing that sign. Before I was gonna be like HOW IS IT THAT I AM SO DEFEATED BY HEAT, but now I realize that humans are capable of love after all.