Okay, here we go. Seatbelts on.
I feel ill already.
Okay, we start with someone getting released from prison. He gets his fedora and his ugly assed jacket back. And a half smoked cigar. Nastay. He's been in jail for five years, "and even though you came here for pushing a car full of people into the river, I trust you're rehabilitated". Okay. He's sent out to find an honest job.
(sad music)
Okay, here comes the low-rent Japanese Mouth of the South, with a megaphone strapped to his bike. He points out that his boss is fat. Ha ha ha! They laugh for a while. Ha. Bike dude says that he sold the bosses' cadillac, but it's okay because this car has no muffler, so it's completely enviromentally friendly. Arghablargh. The boss climbs on and pedals off while his flunky yells that now they have to be enviromental yakuza. Shakin' down the trees.
Okay, here some woman getting looked at by the federal boobie inspector. Apparently she's having sumo nightmares. The doctor makes his exit, smartly leaving this movie forever. Her niece mouths a lot of boring exposition about how she used to be a champion and blah blah blah boo hoo. Aunt Boobies says she's just a former champ now and punches her niece out. Nice.
And this lady is huffing glue in a bathtub with the boss from before.
Okay, and here's some lady with dreads, who complains about how bad her life sucks while fucking some guy. Here comes the boss and glue huffer, who's angry that... glue huffer lady is huffing glue. Oh, it's paint thinner. Our boss declares that "If you feel so sorry for her, stomp humping her!" Sage advice.
Okay, and some insane woman runs in. Oh, it's a horny old lady. She throws herself at the boss while making horrible banana puns. Just shoot me now. Hijinks ensue. The boss flees, with this woman in tow. QUICK, GET THE BIKES.
Yeah, she's trying to hump him under an overpass. We're only 10 minutes into this and I'm already regretting it. Okay, away we cut to the boss's apartment. His flunky wants to know why he slept with that crazy old lady? He had no choice, because "I'm the victim of a violent rapist!" Ding dong! The boss thinks that's her, and he wants her sent away. BUTWAIT,
It's this lady in front of a green screen with flowers projected on the back. He oversells. He says that he's Arakuma, and he's sure she has something imporant to discuss. Miss Green Screen introduces herself as Ririko and says that she wants... him to teach her how to sumo wrestle. Oh snaps?????? We go to "ORIGINAL WOMNEN'S SUMO INSITITUE". What, there's more than one? Okay, Ririko arrives with her aunt. Kimio or something. Special K. Now we get some boring backstory about female sumo wrestlers, who could apparently make it rain by pissing off the rain god. God's golden shower on all y'all. Amakura is all, "I don't have to lose any weight, do I?" No, pay attention, dude. BUTWAIT, someone is at the door, and it's... some fruit with white gloves and a plaid jacket. I think he's trying to do a Elvis impression, but the acting is so horrible I can't tell. He wants a rent payment, otherwise he's going to take Ririko's "cats and doggies". You fiend!! He wants her to appear topless, but Amakura shows up and is all lol wht r u doin? Amakura says "I'm gonna put you in an early grave! And it WON'T BE PRETTY!" So the landlord goes "And then what are you gonna do?" Uh, that should be the end of his threat, right? But Amakura yells "Then I'm gonna throw you in a RIVER!" While he's in his grave? This is dumb. So we get a lame fight. Thrillin'. Fake Elvis gets knocked out, and the old trick where they dress a dummy up in his clothes and throw it. Sneakay.
HEY BOSS WE GOT BEATED UP. The boss wants to know who let Arakuma out of his cage. His secretary calls someone and asks who let Arakuma out of his cage, so the evil boss smacks her. Wha?
Scene wipe. Ririko is praying that she turns into a big fat sumo rassler. She needs money or she's gonna get evicted. What young girl hasn't turned to sumo wrestling to put themselves through college? Ririko talks about how much she loves her aunt, so much that it starts sounding pretty creepy. In fact, it sounds like she wants to clam clash her. Turns out she's not her aunt after all. Oh giiiiiiirllll. Oh wait, Kimio is really her mom. Okay, never mind. Blahbity blah blah. Amakaura is all, "Okay, I'll be your teacher," which I thought he already agreed to. Hey dad, I can't see real well, is that Bill Shakespear over there? Anyways, him and his flunky go running to look for women, but he doesn't want ones with "thick legs," instead they have to have "nice butts". Right. "And for the record, I'll be going on a diet too!" Yay. Okay, the movie hasn't bothered giving his flunky a name, so from now on he's Admiral James T Kirk.
Here's your fearsome team, left to right: Paint thinner huffer with bad teeth, hooker, and crying girl. Why is she crying? 'cause she just realized she's in this movie ba dump bump tish. Sorry. Amakura is all "Who are these losers?" And Kirk is all, "They're the only ladies who would wrestle with no clothes!" They do have the mawashi on. Just sayin' there's no pubes. Which is good, because they probably would have made paint thinner lady dye hers green. Anyways, Amakura wants to know why this lady is crying. Apparently she had to leave her kid with his dad and she misses him boo hoo wahhh. Amakura is depressed because his team suxors. Ririko shows up, wearing... a bikini top. Is that legal? Kirk wants to see her b00bies, but she's nervous. Amakura says it's okay, because "she's sweet and innocent". Sure. Kirk whines into the camera. Don't break that fourth wall, dude. Excersize time! Kirk tries to hump them as they stretch. I guess this is supposted to be funny. More stretching. This is highly painful. Okay, and more stretching. And crying. And glue sniffing. Everyone goes for a jog, which is the cameraman's excuse to try and zoom up thier assholes. Thank you.
Outta shape like fat Americans. Amakura is still OK, but he cheated and rode a bike. Ririko offers him some tomato juice. Keep that in mind, because I think that can of fucking tomato juice gets more screentime than half these charecters.
Back to the gym, where they're tying the mawashi. They can be up to 30 feet long, you know. Oh, Kirk is peepin'. The wall collapses and the girls half-heartidly flail at him with a pink wiffle bat. Great! Ya know, he only saw them topless, and he's already seen that repeatedly. Ahh, whatever. If I point out everything wrong this movie we'll be here all night.
OK, time for a practice match, pitting the hooker against the glue lady. I know it's not glue, but I'm tired of typing "paint thinner", so fuck all y'all. I guess I coud look thier names up in IMDB. Nah. Anyway, they give each other wedgies. The hooker pulls the other girl's hair. You gonna allow that, ref? Kirk jumps in and stops the match. The crowd is furious. Big "bullshit" chant! No, just kidding. We get a scene wipe. Ririko throws the crying lady, who cries. You know, this gag wasn't any good in the first place, and it's just getting worse.
And now more jogging!!!!! But oh snaps, it's some thugs. Kirk is all, "Move, bitch, get out the way," and he gets hit with a pipe. Smork! The thugs ATTAX, but here comes.... a loving pan of legs and a skirt. Any time now, movie. Here comes.........
OH NO, it's whoever this is. She dispatches the hugs with dreaded single punches of doom that miss by three or four inches. And the deadly slow-mo hair toss. Amakura finally shows up and says Kirk's real name, but fuck it, he's already Kirk. Our rescuer comes over and says "I am like the wind on the top of Mount Akagi". I introduce myself with weather related metaphors all the time. She kinda has a little stash in the close up. Oh, she's searching for enlightenment, but "I have found it". Apparently Buddha should have been beating up thugs in parks all these years.
Back to the dojo! The lady from the park introduces herself as Komasa and blathers with Special K. Apparently when she was a young girl, she was a STREET TOUGH, but she changed because of Special K. Okay. She wants to join up. Amakura says OK, if she stops talking. Now here's another charecter whose name I missed:
And they've added Godzilla sound effects for when he walks. Okay. Everyone's terrified, except Kirk, who orders them to fight him, all at once. SEIZE HIM. They all kind of halfheartedly push on him.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? Maybe it's her lucky Smoochum. Oh, Komasa gets up to challenge him. They push on each other. Sumo wrestling is really thrilling, you know. More pushin'. Oh, fatty falls down. Or she pushed him. WOW, YOU LOSE! Amakura gets into the ring to show her some moves. He's not very fat for a sumo wrestler. Komasa attax. By trying to push him. BUTWAIT, he pushes back!!!!!!! Okay, he throws her. She's all, "I'm not ready yet". BETTER PUT HER BACK IN THE OVEN LOL. Okay, you make some jokes, mister smarty pants.
Okay, wipe to the evil boss from before, yelling at his flunkies. He starts punching and kicking them and yelling "Idiot! Fucker! Useless moron!" over the wacky overdone sound effects. Okay, this is a little funny. The elevator dings, and here's...
Uh, wow. She talks to the evil boss, Domino, and introduces herself as One-Eyed Ori. "Word on the street" is that he needs female sumo wrestlers! Domino orders fake Elvis to throw them out, even though he still has an oxygen mask on. Thass cold. Ori uses the exact same moves that Komasa just did to beat up some guys. I expected more from this movie. Somehow. Anyways, Domino is impressed, so he hires them.
OH MY GOD AMAKURA DON'T LET THE COPS CATCH YOU PISSING IN THAT LAKE!!!!! Oh, wait, he's thinking, not peeing. He says that he's fallen in love with someone. Cue spit take from Kirk. He yells "This is serious!" It's Ririko, apparently. After the whole four minutes they've spent together, so far. He gets out the tomato juice, and stares at it lovingly. Dude. Kirk tells him to "do what you usually do, throw her over your shoulder and take her to a cheap motel!" Yeah, ladies love that. Then he says to "take her to a restaurant, throw her over a table and do it again!" Oh mans. Amakura tells him to shut up, because he has no idea what love really is. Kirk agrees as strings swell on the soundtrack and a single tear rolls down his cheek.
Just kidding, the hooker comes running so the cameraman can zoom in on her boobs bouncing. Red alert! A bunch of Yakuza came into the dojo and won't leave! Uh, okay. They'll leave to get food eventually. I'm just sayin'. It's Domino, pimped out in a white suit. He's all, "Listen up," and his secretary says that they're not going to forclose just yet, if they give Domino all the money. Kirk yells "She's just reading the script!" Shut up, dude. Domino wants a sumo tournament. Komasa is all "Ori," except she says "Oreo". Oreo is all, "Been a long time since you dunked me in that milk." I like that joke so much she's Oreo from now on. Try and stop me. Anyways, if the good girls lose, Ririko becomes thiers. Yo, you want that trick, you can keep her. Amakura says no, and by the way Domino is nothing but a scummy Yakuza. Domino is all, "And what are you, buddy?" and Amakura no sells it with "So when's the tournament?" It's Sunday. Domino's secretary yells at us to watch it on TV. Arragh. Kimio goes to talk to Oreo. Flashback time! Oh mans, they're totally doing it. I don't know how this got in the movie. We get a bunch of, um, stomach licking. I guess they're trying to keep that R rating. Okay, I get the point. Lots of shots of hands gripping sheets. I get it already.
Man, no wonder they broke up! Anyways, lots of shots of Komasa thrashing around in pretend exctasy. I get it!! Man, this goes on and on. They set some flowers up to try and cover the nasty parts, but they're sorta out of position. Lawl. Okay, and even more fucking. I really get the point.
Now Sting realizes that his life was empty without Jesus. SNAP INTO SALVATION OOH YEAH. Fuck, I don't know anymore. This movie's already half over, by the way. Count your blessings. Like Sting. Or Ted DiBiase. Seriously though, what is that giant purple thing? Guest soap? A suppository? Never mind, I don't want to know.
So anyway, Komasa wants to stop using drugs, so they break up. Makes sense. Komasa goes to take a shower and WASH DAT STANK OFF. Oreo attacks with a knife and generally acts like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Komasa knees her, so Oreo falls out of the shower and falls on her knife EYE FIRST GROSS YOU GUYS. So she poked her own eye out? Hahaha, that doesn't make her look like much of a bad ass, just saying. I was hoping it was some kind of pirate thing. Arr.
Okay, flashback's over! Oreo shows us her eye, which has a big slash mark over it. That doesn't seem right, but whatever. Oreo is all, "I think of you every day," and Komasa is freaked out.
Oreo is all, "I missed you, and also my eye," and starts talking dirty. Hearing this bored voice actress moan "your tight ASS" is kinda funny. Komasa tells her to fuck off, so it's ON. Oreo still has her eyepatch off, so when she's trying to look threatening into the camera it looks like she's winking instead. Anyways, fight time. The girls kinda thrash around each other while the cameraman tries to capture as much ass as possible. Komasa with the dreaded, uh, something. Oreo fights back with the BOOB CLAW. That's a heel move right there. Clean break, and...
They walk around like crabs. Uh, scary? They lock up. Komasa pulls Oreo's top off. So who's the heel here? Oreo tries to do the same thing, but Komasa's tank top is too tight. So she gets a sleeperhold. Komasa totally jobs. To a sleeper hold? Really? Oreo taunts her for a whlie and then leaves. Komasa says "Screw you!" after she leaves. ICE BURNED.
Okay! Back to the dojo. The wrestler who cries all the time calls her kid and blah blah blah blah.
DIAL O ON THE PINK TELEPHONE. Man, this is staying classy, huh? Komasa gets patched up after the fight. Apparently after she quit sumo, she became a stripper (right) and is all "Life's funny sometimes, huh?" Ririko says that everyone has secrets, but Komasa can be anyone she wants, because "maybe you're just not cut out to be a lesbian!" As the president says, it's hard work. Paint sniffer gets her first line: "Kittens are dancing with electric popsicles". What a demanding role. Ririko turns right to the camera and starts giving a speech. Hey, I'm not in this match, don't talk to me.
Okay, scene's over. More Sumo stomp practice. Ya know, a little bit of this goes a long way. And we get like five minutes of this. That's finally over. Practice time! Wedgies ensue. Kirk won't stop screaming in the backround. God, shut the fuck up. And now they recycle the scene where Kirk is watching them change. I guess they figure everyone's stopped watching by this point. And more of Amakura riding a bike while everyone jogs after him. Yay!
It's the day of the big match! Oh snazzles. Paint huffer is still huffing paint right in front of the ref. Okay. The HEEL SQUAD is introduced, consisting of glowering woman, woman with gigantic third eye, glowering woman II, happy woman, and Oreo. And we see the massive crowd of 15 people. Now we get some weird schtick where some guy backstage cues the audience when to cheer and boo, and Kirk explains why it is that thzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
huh? I'm awake. Right, match time. First up is East Top Division Wakazakura, or Ririko,
versus West Top Division Shinesekai, which apparently means "gigantic nipples". No, no; I'll spare you the screenshot. Gross, you can see her viens in there. Aramuka grabs the mic and lets us know that Ririko is a very nice girl, and please give her your applesauce. Her mom cries in the audience. OK! LET'S GET READY TO RHOMBUS
And Ririko loses within one second. Hahahaha. She cries. Total glass ceiling, y'all.
Okay, next is East Top Division Daimitsurin, AKA the hooker with the smoochum. She busts some dance moves. She's up against West Top Division Jigokuhen, AKA this woman:
Yeah, I dunno. MAybe she got chocolate on herself. The match starts, and the hooker starts throwing kicks. You gonna allow that, ref? We get a bunch of POV shots, so if you ever wanted to be a hooker who sumo wrestles, rent this movie and live your dreams. Okay, so chocolate lady gets the other one in a headlock and they stumble around for a while. OH MAN, heel lady gets a combination super wedgie/chokehold. Owch. Miss Hooker loses. Boo! Boo! Kirk yells that the ref needs glasses.
Next! Paint sniffer, AKA East Fourth Division Dokudenpa, up against surly lady II, aka Miss Pine Board. Just sayin'. The ref finally takes the paint thinner away. FIGHT! They both go right for wedgies. Okay, that looks pretty painful. Paint thinner lady mumbles some nonsense about tea and flowers. Miss Pine Board gets a whiff of paint thinner and passes out. I understand this is why they instituted that wellness program.
Match four! Just two left to go before I can call this done and get the hell out of here. Next is East Third Division Tamatsubaki, AKA the lady who cries all the time. She's up against happy lady. The annoucer lets us know that the good girls can't afford another loss. Thanks, I can count. He points out that "The pressure is really on now!" Wouldn't it have been on more back when they were down two matches instead of one? Ahh, whatever. They go for wedgies again. This is making me uncomftorable. Happy lady goes for the ass claw. Yoiks. She gives up on that and goes for the double boob claw. Jesus, ref, isn't that a foul?! Amakura yells "You gonna allow that, huh?" Apparently so. Miss Mom is all ready to give up, but HER SON IS IN THE AUDIENCE WHAT THE FUCK. This is so totally wrong. Uh, she gets inspired and wins the match. God, this is dicked up. Everyone celebrates. Mom hugs her kid. God, put your shirt on first. This is nastay. More topless hugging. Hurrghaaaaaaaaaaah!
Fifth match time. Here's East Second Division Komasa Akagi. Up against her is West Second Division Oreo. Thank god she put her eyepatch back on. FINAL ROUND.
Komasa threatens to "pound your ass". I think we've seen enough of that, thanks. And they're off. Both chicks go for wedgies. Dirty pool, ladies. Dirty pool. They dub in cat sound effects while they struggle. Subtle. Oreo goes for the dreaded boob squeeze. HOW DO YOU LEARN TO GET YOUR BOOBS SQUEEZED KING? Komasa comes back with her own, so they do that for a while. Then they pull each other's hair. Ah, the sacred tradition of Sumo. I think Komasa has implants. I'm studying them carefully. Anyways, Komasa with THE SLAP. Oreo gets a sleeper and punches out the ref when he tries to make the save. And all the other chicks run in for the DQ finish. Big bullshit chant! No, just kidding. Arakuma starts beating up audience members for some reason. Fake Elvis knifes him. Kirk is all, "You gonna be OK?" and Arakuma pulls out - THE TOMATO JUICE MY GOD IT SAVED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great. Okay, back to the ring. Oreo is working the sleeper hold/boob squeeze. And some dirty talk. Komasa has the Ken Shamrock mouth bleed going on, although I don't know how a sleeper hold makes your mouth bleed.
This is where I yell YOU GONNA ALLOW THAT REF, but he already got knocked out. And I guess they allow anything nowadays. Dot nasty. Anyway, Oreo feels her up. Shades of insane heel lesbian gropist Mickey James. Komasa comes back with the groin claw. Oreo bites her. Dude, gross. Komasa works the claw so hard we see blood. Double gross. No, triple gross. Nobody ordered vaginal bleeding. Komasa finally breaks free and THROWS THOSE BIG SOUPBONES MYGOD. Oreo is knocked out cold. FINISH HER!! Aramkua goes, "Komasa, you'll be all right." Take a salt tablet. Domino is all, "Yeah, I lost," and then pulls out a gun. Except it's a lighter, and he burns uh, a piece of paper, which I guess is Ririko's loan statement. Who knows. Anyway, he makes his exit. They try to lift Arakuma up and parade him around, but he's too fat so they all fall over. Sigh.
Okay, out to the gym. Arakuma is going to tell Ririko how he feels. And how he feels is that he wants to bone her. Kirk gives him some tips: Don't forget, bitches ain't nothing but hoes and tricks. But he can't stay for the big day, because he's going to get married to that hooker with the smoochum. They flee. Arakuma: "Shit!" You said it, bro. Okay, he corners Ririko. She's going to go on tour, even though she lost in one second. Arakuma is then introdued to.... Ririko'S FINANCE DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Wow, he has a pink shirt on. Uech. Ririko wants to know what the flowers are for, and Arakuma goes "Congratulations!" and tries to fight off her hug. He'll always have his memories. And flab. He hugs her finance. Dude.
The tears of a retired sumo wrestler make the whole world laugh. Tee hee. Kirk shows up for some reason. His hooker took off!! She even took his watch! Bad end. Maybe she's going to trade it for a Skuntank. Arakuma laughs at Kirk. What a dick. The crazy brothel owner shows up (YES) on the bike with the megaphone and chases them. Hahahah. She chases them down the road threatening that she's going to hug them and never let go. Awesome. Cue credits.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Here's my expression while watching this movie.
The things I do for you people. I'm out.