Captain's Blog: Your regular rebeaker is out getting beard implants, so I'm here for your viewing pleasure. Then I'll retreat into my cocoon and emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Since so much has happened since this was on, I'll sum up: This is the one after Vince got jannety's face shoved into his ass, but before the one where HBK threw pee on him.

Out first is out of no pants jokes after last week. Sign: "THE CHAMP IS QUEER". How did that make it past security? Vince starts talking about the Oscars. We're in the bible belt, which means... nothing? the Oscars are "quite samply" nothing but three hours of ass kissing. I like where this is going. Vince shows us his ass getting kissed last week. Vince thanks his minions for the thrill. Vince has a fake acceptance speech. I want to be thanked for sitting through this. Vince thanks the spirit squad for the spirit that allowed him to drop his pants, and also masters, for shoving a man's face into his ass. I want to thank sofa for not letting me use my fast forward button. Blah blah blah. It's masters and carlito vs big show and kane at rasslemania. Also, Martey Jannety doesn't have a job. Breaking news, I know. One or two more shots at the crowd and we're out. Are we out? How long is this going to be? Vince thanks shane for making it possible to have shawn's face shoved into "my naked ass". Jesus, stop talking. Vince blathers some more. The point is: vince is going to beat the crap out of HBK at wrestlemania. Shawn comes out 15 minutes late and gets mobbed by security. Vince still won't shut up. Tonight it'll be HBK versus Shane. Shane is all "Nigga whaat?"

Commercials.

Shane tries to get out of the match backstage. Vince ain't hearing that noise. Finally time for a match.

Spank my buns vs Whopper Sr.

I don't know what that means either. It always bugs me when the champ is out first. Shelton attacks before the bell. Here's a backdrop, and... a cover? Let's not go nuts here. I eat a dorito and the crowd goes wild. Shelton does a delayed vertical suplex, and I was afraid we might see the return of the al snow penis suplex there. Shelton yells at the ref. And some chops. And punches. coach is yelling something. More punches. And more chops, and also punches. And some stomps. And then punches. More doritos. Shelton eye pokes the ref. Flair gets the figure four, and... we get the bell? Oh, it's a DQ. Despite the two paragraphs I typed that was really short. Shelton gets a beatdown. Flair steals mom's oxygen tank and hits shelton with it. That stuff is dangerous.

Tonight we get rematches from various wrestlemanias. We'll get John Cena vs Big Show from XX. Jesus. And Kane versus Triple H from XV. No Ultimate Warrior squashing him?

Commercials. Sonic Riders? Seriously? I hate this taco bell commercial. Hey! This nerdy white guy has a lowrider! Buy some tacos!

We're only a fourth of the way through this show. Christ. During the break: Money in the bank will be interpromotional. Holla? Here's Unwashed hair this week w/gut vs "Sugar" Kane. I know, that was horrible. That was supposed to be more of a sugar shane helms and less of a cash crop joke. Oh, the match. Here's some punches. Styles notes that everyone's eyes are vulnerable. Unless you hit the gym and do some eye exercises. More punches. And a clothesline. Zombie sit-up, and more punches. Backdrop. Kane goes up and gets crotched. RIGHT ON THE GRILLED WEENIE. Triple H tries the suplex, but kane appears to grab his crotchtal area. I'm just saying. And some punches. Triple H HITS THE KNEE and goes for a pedigree. No. Clothesline, sidewalk slam. Coach blathers. Kane goes up and hits his clothesline. Masters runs in. Hooray. Kane swats him, and then triples knocks him out of the ring. And another ref bump? Here's Carlito. God, that's an ugly shirt. Oh, triple H hits a bad pedigree. And the three. I can't see what carlito's shirt says, but it's something about spitting and swallowing. This show is very hetero so far. Triple H shows up his fingers to show us he can count.

Commercials.

Apparently we're having Maria vs Lita tonight. Don't you threaten me, show. Backstage we get Victoria giving torrie a pep talk. Oh, Victoria. Torrie is all offended. Candice was on THE TONIGHT SHOW. Whoo fucking hoo. Yackin'. Cut to HBK's locker room. And here's stephanie mcmahon. Someone just shoot me now. Shawn asks her to get out. The audience is not so lucky. Steph starts talking about being pregnant and kids changing lives. This is horrendous. Steph apologizes for everything she's ever done. How long until her heel turn? Oh, she spikes shawn's water. That took even less time than I thought. No thrilling switching the water bottle scene? What a rip.

Commercials.

Candice playboy video package. I'm not recapping this. As much. Out to the ring, and victoria and torrie have a big blowup of the playboy cover. Oh, is she in there? Yes. King predictably slobbers. Candice gets a mic. "Whooooo!" I wonder what the guy in the front row with the JESUS SAVES sign thinks of this harlotry. Candice taunts Stacy about losing dancing with the stars. Oh snap? Some more talking. Candice harasses torrie. This is painful. Candice and torrie are no longer BFF. Victoria clobbers torrie. Coach pretty much calls torrie old. How much time is this going to waste?

Back to shawn's dressing room for more thrilling footage of him drinking.

Commercials.

More like SHAME McMahon vs Hungry for Bacon Kid. Bacon sounds pretty good right now. Sign: "VINCE NEEDS JESUS". No comment. Shawn smacks shane around. And stomps him. How rude. Shawn chases shane around the ring. They get back in and shane punches him a lot. Shawn reverses an irish whip and gets his own punches. Shawn's poison is kicking in. Shane with more punches. Coach enjoys shane's dancing. Shane goes for the cover and gets three. The McMahons celebrate. Lillian announces HBK has a match against Vince now. I think we get the point. Vince gets three immediately. And here's the spirit squad. Coach: "Tonight couldn't get any better!" I leave the reader to judge the truthfulness of that. Styles asks that we go to

Commercials.

The spirit squad is still here? My lucky day. Here comes another retarded guy. The spirit squad mocks eugene. He wants the air horn. We get a thrilling keep-away game. And the bell. Spirit Squad Guy smacks Eugene around and thrills everyone with an elbow drop. And some kicks and stomps. Chokehold. I guess this guy's name is Teddy. Styles: "Well, there are four people here in Birmingham cheering Teddy." And the rest sleep soundly. Some stuff happens. Teddy is going for a pin after every move. And more choking. Eugene uses his retard power. And a retard rollup. One, two, no. Teddy comes back with a punch. And another pin attempt. And back to the choke. Somehow this is even worse than I imagined. Eugene is filled with retarded rage and beats up Teddy. And the AIRPLANE SPIN! Some other stuff. Eugene shakes his moneymaker at the spirit squad. Rock bottom. The spirit squad distracts the ref. One of them sneaks in the back and hits eugene with a "buzzsaw like kick". I have no idea what that's called. OH WHAT A SHOT. Teddy hits a top rope legdrop. Coach claims it was "at least eighteen feet!" Oh, teddy won.

Commercials. I thought Cowboy Troy was the guy from hootie and the blowfish for a long time.

Somehow Still Employed vs Mrs. Liter w/ Mr. Liter. This should be a five star classic. Handshake to start. Lita gets a clotheline. Edge makes a very sad face. Lita chokes maria in the ropes. Is that legal, ref? Kick to the back. And a suplex. Wow, I actually like lita's shirt. Maria gets a retard rollup for two. Lita smacks her and stands on her butt. Lots of edge reaction shots. Swallow your gum, dude. Lita with more punches. Maria gets thrown by her hair. Irish whip. Maria comes back with a "big" boot. That's more medium small. Maria misses a clothesline and eats a DDT. Is that it? That's it. The point of that match escapes me. Oh, edge wants to spear Maria. IN BED. Foley attacks. Lita distracts him and he gets speared. Not in bed. Edge gets a chair or two. Oh, he wants a one main conchairto. That must hurt your ears. Edge gets a mic. It's on at wrestlemania. Edge makes scary faces as we kill some time.

Commercials.

2006 hall of fame rundown. They're adding.... Sensational Sherri? She was a wrestler? Don't revoke my smark card. Backstage mickie james freaks out. They went right from the induction announcement to mickie watching the announcement on TV. So did she see herself on TV before... you know what, never mind. Trish wants mickie to leave her alone, regardless of her grandpa. Trish needs her space. Mickie is sad :<

Elsewhere backstage: Big Show does pushups. Yeah, right.

Commercials.

Fraudulent Push-up Performer vs John SEMEN LOLOLOLOL. I wonder if security confiscated that "the champ is queer" sign yet. Shots of skanks in the crowd. Sign: "BIG SLOW". BUT HE DID A PUSH UP PEOPLE. Lockup. Cena gets tossed. Punches. Cena eats a big boot and a big fat headbutt. And a "skillet-like chop". Cena might have a compressed sternum. MY GOD YOU'RE KILLING HIM. Elbow to the neck. Big Show stands on cena. Really big throw. And a punch to the back. And he stands on Cena again. I heard that's good for your back. Clubbering. Scoop slam. Cena comes back with punches until he eats a sidewalk slam. I think that's what that is. Styles notes this match has been all Big Show. Must be the power of his pushup. Bearhug. Real men use hugs, not drugs. Cena escapes by clapping his hands behind big show's head. And big show goes out of the ring. Triple H wanders out. Good, he washed his hair.

Commercials.

And we are back. No resthold? Big Show gets a delayed suplex. During the break: Big Show ate the post. Not literally. Big Show with a chop. And a suplex. 1, 2, no. Legdrop. Cena comes back with punches. Big show goes for a big fat splash in the corner, but eats boot. Not literally. Cena goes up top for a crossbody, but big show catches him. How romantic. Now Big Show starts going up? Masters and Carlito run out. And Kane, who runs them off. Big Show was all distracted. Cena gets a superplex. Ow. 1, 2, no? Trips walks at the ring very slowly. Cena stares at him, so big show gives him a clotheline. Here comes AHHHHHHHHHH THE oh, cena counters it into a DDT. F-U. And three. Triple H is totally astounded. Cena points at the Wrestlemania logo. Triple H points at his nonsensical skull shirt. Replay of the F-U. Let's see him do that to a car, I'll be impressed then. Is this show over yet? Yes.

Final Thoughts: What a horrible show.