Hello, plebes. You might remember me from a long time ago. In that tradition here's a rebeak for another horrible event. Behold. Won't you come with me on a magical journey? How bad could this DVD be?
Here's our announcers. On the left: El Jobber. Just kidding, it's "Jack Hoffman". On the right is "Professor Hornblower". The real star here is goldenpalace.com, who must have put up about a bazillion dollars, as they're all over the place. Just watch.
I guess Carmen Electra welcomes us. FF. Tonight we're going to see "The creamiest of the crop". How dirty. Apparently there's a championship match. Championchip. Cookies. We meet our "bodacius NWWL reporter" who is mercilessly FF'd. Sofa just said if I don't rebeak the whole thing I'm fired. Our reporter goes to meet Spitney Beers, who jumps around on a bed while her manager cuts the most boring promo in the world. "Is spitney really ready to fight the PRINCESS OF PAIN?"
The manager is too busy having a baloon rubbed on his head to respond. Spitney starts taking his jacket off and he cracks up, BREAKING KAYFABE MY GOD. This guy talks really slow. Spitney nails our report with a pillow.
She kind of looks like joan rivers there. I better go easy on the screencaps. They cut back to Carmen, who's catty. Now we get introduced to the "Princess of Pain" who is an extremely low rent S and M lady.
Oh the heelery. I guess. She puts clothespins on some guy's nipples. I think I hate this DVD. Megan the interviewer goes to interview the princess, who shows how bad she is by talking in a monotone. Then she interviews the slave dude, who just grunts. We cut back to carmen who yaps some more. How about a fucking match? The annoucers yap some more about how this is the first ever NWWL PPV. And the last if there's any god. The ref comes out, who's kind of cute. And the micheal buffer ripoff.
What a dink. Close up on his notes: "Pack horrible sunglasses". In case you were wondering, this was brought to us by golden palace dot com. Princess Pain comes out and looks a lot less intimidating in a purple bathrobe. Jeff Hoffman: "Holy dungeons and dragons!" Hoffman also notes the slave may be british, "as he's missing some teeth". What a hater.
Yes, they wrote golden palace.com on his back. The annoucer demands we raise the roof for spitney beers. Shut up. The princess STEALS SPITNEY'S BIG SWIRLY LOLLIPOP. My god. Hoffman notes "One of the rules of naked women's wrestling leauge is the women must wrestle naked". What a detective.
Spitney has golden palace.com written on her back too. I guess the paying crowd of 25 didn't bring in enough money. One of the annoucers accidently called spitney "britney". Let the lawsuits commence. Some shit happens. Spitney hits the dreaded ARMDRAG three times. Then she puts on the step over toehold. I won't mark out unless it's the STF.
I know you just DIDN'T! Spitney has pretty small mellons for a chubby girl. Hornblower: "Definitly a bit of chafing there, I imagine." Princess puts on her own leghold as I fall asleep. Clean break, and they trade like 90 backslides. Benoit-Angle this isn't.
Professor: "Lefty Ballgone isn't happy about this!" I guess I missed him being introduced. The princess busts out her mega heel move:
Then the princess throws her around the ring by a pigtail. I guess that's why you don't see pigtails in all those MMA fights. Princess Pain demands that Spitney "kiss my boot", which brings to mind the classic Hart-Lawler kiss my foot matches, if you're a huge dork. Hoffman: "Spitney's not buying that!" I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler. Some stuff happens, and Spitney runs face-first into the Princess' ass.
"She lands right in the Princess' butt! That can cause a concussion!" The princess smacks her and gets the pin. Off a punch? Hornblower claims she had an illegal object, but I didn't see anything. The ref reverese the dicision. Whatever. Maybe now she can afford a boob job. Spitney cuts a promo containing the following revelation: "I won. The princess lost. I won!" Well, I guess they didn't hire the chicks because they're smart.
Setup for our next match, which is this lady
beating up a excersize ball. God, I hate that hair. I hope she gets decapitated. Megan appears to tell us that these chicks are apparently fueding over a dispute about who got to use the training facilities when. That'll put asses in the seats. Ms. Ronald McDonald: "I'm gonna take you down like james brown".
This guy right here is actually the biggest star of this DVD, as he manages a wrestler in every match but the first. They don't even bother having him put a diffrent outfit on. And of course they film this guy and the other manager arguing while the girls fight.
THE APPOINTMENT BOOK CLOSE UP!! Someone shoot me now. While these doofs were arguing, this happened:
The lesson here is, never have a brawl in high heels. I guess. The lady with the big hair has some kind of disco gimmick, as she does a really horrible dance. I guess the other lady's gimmick is wearing high heels and losing. Back to the ring, as the annoucer asks if we're ready get funked up. Funk you. Out comes the disco lady, "Demonica Disco". I guess they couldn't afford to get the rights to "Disco Inferno". Hoffman notes she's "flesh, from top to bottom". Do they allow robots in this leauge? Hoffman asks hornblower if he's ever had a date? "I did eat one once." This show needs a drunk bobby heenan. But what doesn't, I guess. Deomnica's manager gets some screentime for some reason. Out next is Cruella Bleeds.
Yeah, I'd do her. I guess she's evil. She weighs "one hundred and ten EEEEEEEEEEVIL pounds!". We see her vital stats. 34A? That's pretty evil. Her manager is "Mr. Dickinsider". They're not even trying with these names. What's wrong with the old standbys? I'm going to call him Amanda Huggenkiss.
What the fuck is this? I hate this DVD. Hey, Santa is in the crowd. And Saddam? The chicks trade hugs. Hornblower: "It's like the heimlich gone mad!" Apparently you can "break a few ribs" via hugging. Disco hits the dreaded HIPTOSS. Hornblower: "She knows all about being... HIP!" Groan. Demonica puts on an EVIL armbar. And then a hiptoss. And then disco hits a armbar and a hiptoss. And then demonica hits a hiptoss. I'm seeing a pattern here. Disco uses the knee. And back to the armbars. Okay, people.
Another armbar. Hornblower: "This does seem to be a clash of musical styles of the 70's." I can't imagine how, unless the 70's had EVIL music. Demonica mixes things up with a hipthrow. Disco gets thrown into the corner and Demonica does some really wimpy shoulder thrusts. Brock always made those look good. I wish he'd show up and stiff these chicks. Disco gets the pin out of nowhere. Wait a minute!
OH THE CHEATERY! Well, I guess you can't pull the tights when you're both naked. Hey, demonica lost both the pre-match brawl and the match. GLASS CEILING! Disco punishes the crowd with her horrible dancing. Boo. Demonica cuts a pouty promo backstage. She's cute. Hey, her makeup's running. THERE'S NO CRYING IN WRESTLING! The annoucers talk about the manager some more.
Disco denies that she cheated. So who was the heel there? Carmen appears and says "Ladies - and well mostly gentlemen..." I don't know any chicks who have the total lack of self-respect nessessary to watch this. Now my carmen electra impression:
DICKS GO IN HERE
Oh, I kid. Apparently next is "The After School Girls" versus "The Sisters of No Mercy" who show how evil they are by crushing an apple.
Okay, now I'm kind of freaked out. And we go right from that into... more fucking managers.
Fat scottish guy yells at "Lefty Ballgone". I wonder what the scottish guy's name is. It should be "Pat McCrotch". This next bout is apparently brought to us by golden palace.com. This is for the NWWL World Tag Team Championship. I think those are about as prestegious as the ones on raw. The annoucer orders us to pray for forgiveness to the sisters of no mercy. I'll let you think about that one for a while. I guess they're evil nuns.
Age 6651? Well, maybe that's thier combined age. Apparently the blonde is a replacement for the injured "Angel of Desire". Okay. Sign: "I LOVE U ANGEL OF DOOM". Edge speared lita.
Samantha Six needs to eat a sammich. Her "sister" is also black. Maybe it's a dudley boyz type of thing. The after school girls hit the ring, Tiny Tina and someone else. The fat irish dude is introduced at "Pump McGroin" ("I figured he was british because he's wearing a dress!"). Pump McGroin? I like Pat McCrotch better. They just called him "Tug McGroin". This fed sucks. They didn't even spring for fake title belts. The after school girls are Tiny Tina and Trish the Dish. I hate that phrase. Hornblower: "His name is tug my groin." Hoffman: "Yes, I get the joke." THEY'RE SHOOTING
Santa's getting funky in the stands. I have a theory that whoever has golden palace.com on her back is going to win the match. We'll see. The match starts, but nobody will get out of the ring, so the ref makes it a tornado tag. The chicks roll over each other. "This is just a catfight! We didn't pay to see a BACK ALLEY SCRAP! This is just brutality!" Because when you have a real fight, the way you hurt your opponent is to roll over them. Hornblower can't bear to watch and covers his eyes. I wish I'd thought of that. They roll over each other again, an it's "a street bar brawl!". At least there's no armbars. Tiny Tina throws the worst fake knees I have ever seen. Whoa, hold up. The schoolgirls slap on "the rowboat":
Okay, that looks really painful. Hornblower: "I'm sure our viewers at home have sore groins too." Shut that mouth! Since that was actually mildly interesting, it's not the finish. The teachers hit the dreaded DOUBLE HIPTOSS. And then double sunset flips, which get the pin. ***
Dispite now being the tag champs, they don't get belts or anything. Boo. The backstage interviewer asks the scottish guy how he feels. "Bitter haggis". Isn't it all, my friends.
There's some stupid angle about how the fat dude doesn't think that should've been a torando match. Zzzzzzzzzz. Carmen has a cigar and remarks that it's smoking in here. I hate this DVD.
How long can this thing be? God punishes me so. Next up is Harriet Bush vs Layla Hussien. Not Hairy Bush? That's sneaky. Here's Harriet Bush:
I was hoping from the medal she'd be like female Kurt Angle. With hair. Alas, she just eats fried dough and claims that her dad is George Bush. The younger, coked up one. I guess that black dude looming in the backround is her social security dude. Harriet says her daddy fought Layla's daddy, and she was going to fight her daddy but he has a long scraggly beard. Saddam = 2003 Jericho. Just in terms of facial hair, I don't know about workrate. Harriet gets a horrible video. Actually, she hits the bag pretty hard. Most of these chicks use worked shots. It's a fucking heavy bag. What was I talking about? Oh, right.
God help me, I kind of like her. Oh, she spit her orange soda on the floor. Gross. You're dumped, lady. Carmen suggests she needs to learn some "star-spangled manners". This DVD makes me want to kill myself. Carmen: "This whole bush thing smells a little fishy to me." Someone kill me now.
Oh, here's Layla Hussien. On her left: Ugly dork manager. I think we have enough of these guys now. This is Lefty Ballgone again.
Well, I guess that explains why Saddam was in the audience before. But he was sitting next to santa. Are they going to have a naked wrestling christmas elf or something? They can name her Candy Cane. I better stop before these villians get any ideas.
Oh, back to the promos. Apparently Layla was hiding in a hole when Lefty Ballgone found her. "My romanian whistling friend and I looked at this fericious animal! I said - that is our next NWWL wrestling champion!" I've had battery-powered Parappas that cut better promos. Layla promises she's been training for two weeks. What did she eat while she was down there? Cockroaches. Thanks. Layla is "the ultimate rocket launcher!" Right. Megan wants to know if her clear-heel stripper shoes go with her dress.
Carmen tells us the next match is "operation naked storm". Sigh. Back to our annoucers. Hornblower insinuates that Hoffman has farted. Operation Naked Storm is brought to us by golden palace.com, in case you've forgotten. The annoucer messes up and calls lefty ballgone "hairy ball". Smooth. Harriet comes out wrapped in an american flag. Oh man, she went to give it to a guy in the audience, and there's two guys there booing her and waving canadian flags. She shoved one of them. HEEL. Hoffman notices "a very tiny flag from another nation". Layla's never going to be able to top that entrance. Oh, lefty ballgone is HER manager. Whatever. Hornblower says they have naked women's wrestling in Iraq, "but they're still veiled". I don't know how well this topical humor is aging.
There's her dad in the stands again next to Santa. I don't know, having your dad watch you wrestle naked must be weird. Hoffman says harriet is taller. I don't know if that's legit or he's trying to make some big bush pun.
Did you know this DVD is brought to you by golden palace.com? At this rate they should be sponsering this rebeak. Oh, the match. Layla Hussien throws the shittest punches this side of Lita. Elbow and collar tie up, and they kind of fall over each other. ARMDRAG! Bush slaps on a shoulderbreaker, which Hoffman calls a armbar. Loser. Then bush puts on a real armbar. Is she shooting? Break, and Harriet does the deadly BODYSLAM!! And another. And a backbreaker. That looked really fucking painful. Layla looks dead. Oh, she's up. Legdrop. Layla works the headlock. I miss Bobby the Brain. Hornblower wonders if Layla is "at a psychological disadvantage with the red, white, and blue ropes there". Layla still has the headlock on. Hoffman: "This could be a form of sleeper". I'm almost asleep. Layla hits the snapmare. Hoffman: "I havn't seen a move like that in YEARS!" I guess he doesn't watch WOW. Some thrilling choking. Horrible camera work with some guy's arms in the frame. Layla puts her ass right on Harriet's face. Goodness. Layla hits the dreaded super wimpy kick to the shin. Harriet is selling like she's been shot. Layla hits the BACK RAKE!!! Is this a fucking Hogan match?
Harriet keeps yelling shit I can't make out. Hornblower: "She seems to be reciting some kind of beat poetry". I love this DVD. Harriet gets a sunset flip for the pin. The power of poems. Maybe I should've counted how many sunset flips were on this DVD. Oh well. Layla puts in a heel beatdown after the match. And by heel beatdown I mean three punches. Harriet Bush is annouced as "The winner, and still master of the universe". All right then. Hoffman yells that he supports Layla. Why do fat masked wrestling annoucers hate america? Layla cuts a post match promo and has a not bad accent, I guess. Hoffman blathers about the website. Nice try. Harriet hits on the bald backstage interview guy. "Is my wife watching right now?" Argh. Next is Becky Brady versus Ninja Chops. Oh, this should be culturally sensitive. Apparently Ninja Chops gave Becky a bad haircut and now they're fueding. I'm guessing Ninja also runs a dojo/nail place/laundromat/restaurant at which you can learn kung fu, get your nails done, wash your laundry, and consume fried dogs/cats/white babies. Prove me wrong NWWL. Wow, Becky looks like slut Molly Holly. I got a good feeling.
Hey, hold the camera straight so I can get a good screenshot. Jerks. Her boyfriend blathers. Becky's from the south, so I'm waiting for them to say it's her brother and cousin and pappy all at once. "I know how to cook bacon... I know how to make eggs on my own..." God help me. Megan arrives.
You fucking kogal slut. Becky's boyfriend opines that "your mouth sure is purdy". He's sent out for chicken nuggets. Becky complains about her hair. I think it looks pretty good. Becky's chances of winning "Ms. Corndog" are dashed. Becky gets her tits out. What the hell is going on? Becky says hers look like "chicken nuggets. Not like that stupid Ninja chick. She has chicken... NIBLETS. I'm gonna bite off her chicken niblets." I think I'm going to be ill. Ninja sneaks in with her NINJA SKILLS, I suppose. Hey, she's cute. Ninja yells "I should have cut your head off when I had the chance" in the worst fake asian accent I have ever heard. Then she pulls out some scissors. Hardcore. They have a really lame brawl. I'll be a meat in that sandwhich, my friends.
Is it racist that I expect an asian person to do a better fake asian accent? She's "elusive like MSG in miso soup". So is she supposed to be chinese or japanese? Do they have MSG in japanese food? Ninja freaks out on Megan and then makes orgasm noises. Uh, okay.
Ricky comes out to the ring. This DVD has too many managers. "The Kid", that goof with the blue shirt, is out. The managers argue. I miss my FF button. This match is brought to us by "the offical love cream of the NWWL". I don't even want to know. Ninja's introduced as from Yokohama. And she throws salt around like a sumo wrestler. I guess someone did thier homework.
Hey, that's powder, not salt. A million bazillion dollars says that goes in Becky's face for the win. Hoffman knows what the salt throwing is for, but not what sumo wrestling is? God bless the ring. Ricky gets in the ring. Dicky. Becky runs out and chases him around the ring. Kill him. Please. The match starts, and Hornblower comes right out with "That must be the Crane technique. If do right, no can defend!" That looked like an irish whip, but what do I know.
Well, that's a little more impressive. I'm not going to mark out for this match unless ninja hits the mist. Hornblower: "Becky has the most talented toes that I've ever seen". Okay. Wow, becky nails an over the shoulder backbreaker. Maybe she really is slutty Molly Holly. HOLY SHIT, becky gets the mexican surfboard.
I'm convinced she's moonlighting molly holly. Hoffman: "That's not a submission hold, it's very, very painful". Do they have pleasent ones? Ninja gets the hammerlock, so I can go back to sleep. Ninja knows "judo and karato". How about akido? More hammerlocks. Headlock. Ninja gets thrown out of the ring. MY GOD THERE'S ONLY A FOOT OF PROTECTIVE MATS. The Kid shows up. Ricky and Becky do a dance. I think I hate this DVD again. Ninja gets the bronco buster. Oh, she's got the "salt". Becky eats it in the face. All of you owe me a million dollars. Ninja lays in some chops. I guess that's appropriate. Because her last name is chops. Ninja gets the win. Ricky drags Becky out of the ring by her chin, which looks pretty painful. Hornblower is all offended at this outrage of justice and boos. Hoffman is angry that the Kid is on the apron. I guess... hell, I don't know. This DVD is destryoing my brain cells. Destroying. Cut to Carmen getting her toenails painted.
Maybe this guy owns the company or something. I don't know why he's all over this DVD. Hoffman runs off to gamble and leaves a mask for Hornblower.
The proud tradition of lucha, I guess. Hornblower's totally lost. Next is Megan interviewing Wicca St. james, who works out on a yoga mat with the really creepy effect from the Motion Gravure games. If you don't know what those are, you're lucky. Megan accidently calls wicca "wiccan". Wiccan: "The future is written". That's her whole promo.
All right. Apparently she's fighting Cleopatra. As in the egyptian queen. Apparently she's still alive, and hitting a heavy bag while some guy yells at her off camera ("Come on! Break her FACE! Pull her hair out! She don't own you! I own you!") Oh, it's the Kid, who shows up and dances. Racist.
Megan looks a lot better from really far away. The Kid yaps for a while. "I don't got a crystal ball down my pants or something here! I dunno! Ruraraaraar." Apparently he found Cleopatra as a mummy and put her back in "tip top form". Okay. Carmen wants to know why the Kid is managing cleopatra, and he should be sent "up the nile without a paddle". To the aswan dam? Megan breaks in to tell us that Wicca "got all twisted up and accidently cut off the circulation to her head". Okay. "Lady Serpentine" will be subbing in. Hornblower's still by himself and seems to have dozed off. I like the commentary better when it's just him looking for material. Alas, he runs off and finds Hoffman playing blackjack. I should be so smart to do something else instead of watching this. This bout is brought to us by the offical love cream of the NWWL too. Serpintine comes out, from "the garden of eden". Hornblower suggests she's greek. From the greek garden of eden? This is harder to follow than hicks.
They gave the "Sisters of no mercy" an age of 6651 and fake Cleopatra is just 22? I hate this fed. There's the kid carrying her, because he hasn't had enough screen time yet. Hornblower: "She has a lovely... asp." Arrghhhh. Hornblower: "As you know, Cleopatra was killed by an asp". Well, I know that. Cleopatra has her adidas from ancient egypt on. Hornblower: "Cleopatra pushes back, as she once pushed back the advances of Julius Ceaser". I'm not sure that is entirely accurate. Cleopatra works the hammerlock. Lady Serpentine kinda looks like Nidia with longer hair.
Serpentine poses like an idiot and gets hiptossed. They do a pinning reversal where they flip each other over like six times. And back to the headlocks. Serpentine throws some slaps that totally miss. THE LEAPFROG MY GOD. Serpentine appears to have fucked up her knee. On a leapfrog. I think it's a shoot. Here comes the doctor. I wonder what fake name he has. "Is that an ice cream salesman?" Ha. Hoffman messes up the name ("How many W's did I throw in there?") Cleopatra eats some grapes. Becky comes out from the back with a blindfold on. Okay. Cleopatra goes for the pin and the ref counts it. I guess this is maquis of queensbury rules.
Hoffman: "This is not a sanctioned match!!" So why is the ref counting? Becky... works the headlock. Leapfrog. Hey, have some respect for the injured. Becky gets a small package (!) for the win (!!). Then she dances. Poor cleopatra jobbed to a blind lady. GLASS CEILING! Cleo shoves the backstage interview guy. Kill him. Becky keeps dancing. Why do you punish me, God? Becky starts beating up her boyfriend. Maybe there's some hope yet. Apparently the main event is next. "Let's get naked for the NWWL championship match!" No thanks.
Here you go: Twin Peaks versus Selina Sanchez. Why does only one of them have a fake name? Selina is latino, so I guess she's lucky to escape being named, like, Seista Nappington. Because they nap in mexico. Shut up. Carmen: "These two ladies need no introduction". Sure they do. This is the first DVD. They rip off the "I'm out of toilet paper" gag from Seinfeld ("I don't have a square to spare!")
Selina only gets one square ("You stingy bitch!") and they brawl in the bathroom. Without wiping? That's disgusting. I guess Twin Peaks is some kind of weird heidi barmaid. At least, she's wearing liederhosen:
Well, I guess I'd hit that. Selina hits her in the butt with a fan. Then she cuts a really really quiet promo. Hey, twin has freckles. I'm swooning. Selina sprays perfume on her. Rick Rude you ain't, lady. Then she hits twin with flowers. I won't mark out until they hit each other with popcorn. They have lame brawl in the bathroom. Twin gets the flower and shoves it at Selina's face, who sells it like it's a lightsaber ("Aii NOO!") We cut away from that to see... another manager. Oh good.
He's "Hairy Dickinsider". This DVD has defeated me. The chicks are fighting inside, so of course we watch the manager cut a promo outside ("They're doing all kinds of girl things... putting on makeup... having girl talk...") He has a fake rulebook. And he reads it. My poor brain. Twin comes out of the bathroom and stands there while Hairy keeps talking. Okay. This video needs a star wipe. Selina cuts a boring promo. Her manager, "Chico" - I guess his last name is "Andtheman" - takes her to eat some tacos. Back to the annoucers. Man, there's some old lady in the crowd. STUNT GRANNY!
Five ten and 124? Okay. Hornblower: "Her father was the famous goat wrestler, Hans Offmyleg". Just had to fit one more pun in there, didn't you? Jerks. Selina comes out. I'm going to bet she wins, based on having a real name. Never mind, her manager comes out with toilet paper. Selina has been "felled by too many tacos. Apparently montezuma has had his revenge". I thought that was like dysntery or something. Twin Peaks wins. And montezuma. Wicca runs out from the back ("But she's DEAD! Do the laws of nature mean NOTHING here?"). Okay. Twin Peaks dances like a stripper with the ring post. I'm slightly impressed.
I think she got her nipples pinched. Maybe she'll hulk up. She hits the snapmare. And the armdrag. And the hip throw. And the shoulderbreaker. I sense a pattern.
That's a shoulderbreaker, you dumb marks. Rope break and Twin rolls out of the ring. Apparently the title can change on a count out. Another armdrag. Wicca uses the bow and arrow. Another rope break. And back outside. I think we get the point. "Hairy Dicksinder distracted her". I'll bet. Twin applies the stepover toehold. "Again, not a submission hold". Hornblower calls her "wicker". No comment. Back to the stepover toehold. Wicca reverses it into her own. And back. And back to the stepover. And choking. Hey, we havn't had a hiptoss in a while. Another fucking stepover toehold. And reversed. And reversed again. And again. And another step over toehold... and the pin? Boo. I guess Twin Peaks is the champ. All the wrestlers hit the ring ("like villagers after a mad scientist"). They drag wicca to the back for some reason. Thank god, this has to be over in a minute. Oh, they present Twin with her title. Which is a twenty five cent plastic tiara.
Oh, she has a sash, too. I'd do her. Not megan, though. Hornblower: "The crown, the sash, and the commemorative cushion". He wipes away a tear with his mask. What a class act. Hoffman thanks us for watching. I hope you get cancer, Hoffman. If that is your real name. Carmen threatens to make another DVD, and we're out. Aren't we?
BUT WAIT!! Hornblower has a shocking admission! He's not a professor of wrestling! "I'm actually an Entomologist". Well, that's ending on a high note. Roll credits.
Well, congrats. We lived. Unless you're dead by now. It wasn't my fault. No babies.