Insert introduction.

Shots of hicks in the crowd, MY NIPPLES LOOK SLIM WITH 'TNA' PAINTED ON THEM WHAT? Here's Team Canada. I have no idea who any of these guys are. If you love america, you'll get Lockdown this sunday, in the SIX SIDES OF STEEL. Here's Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Alex Shelly. Alex Shelly has his camera. Is he IN CAHOOTS with the canadians? Looking for some of that maple syrup. Shelly tags right out, and in comes... some guy. I think that's Jay Lethal. LETHAL leapfrog. Armbar. Lethal wants a tag, but Shelly is stretching. We get picture in picture as Jerry Lynn yells about how he loves America. Oh, in the meantime it's Sabin versus some greasy canadian dude. He does... something. I'm used to calling slow ass Big Show matches. Shelly dodges another tag. I think Sonjay Dutt is in, and he eats post. Moonsault, and he gets thrown outside of the ring. Canadian beatdown. Commercials.

It's weird watching Spike TV again. Hey! Remember Jean Claude Van Dam? We've got all of his movies! Come back here!

And we're back with Dutt in the corner. Coach Canadian runs into the camera face first. At least this is like WWE in that the annoucers ignore what's happening in the ring to blather about the upcoming PPV. SIX SIDES OF STEEL. Petey Williams sings the canadian national anthem. I guess whoever wins the PPV match gets to wave thier flag. How very 80's. Oh, the match. Shelly runs in the ring to pose. Dutt is still getting his ass kicked, but he gets a hurricanrana and blind tags Shelly. Shelly wants to tag out, but the rest of Team USA has FLED. Atomic drop. Shelly comes back, but Lethal blind tags himself in. Okay. Dropkick, top rope missle dropkick, for two. As broken up by canadian heelery. Dutt is back in and gets hit by a side russian legsweep. Sabin comes in without a tag and gets... his ass thrown out of the ring. Lethal gets another dropkick, oversold in hilarious fashion. Some canadian dude gets a pumphandle... well, they called that a powerbomb, but it looked more like a slam. And that gets three. America comes up short. Our Canadians are out to enjoy some socalized medicine.

Samoa Joe promo. This guy is in the X division? He's a huge fat Samoan. Sofa says I need to listen to more TNA propoganda. Samoa Joe will be meeting Sabu in the SIX SIDES OF STEEL. Stop saying that.

And here's Diamonds in the Rough, who's taking on Rhyno - or is it Rhino? His singlet says yes, but the caption says no. Also AJ Styles and Ron Killings. AKA The X-Presidents!!!!! Because they're all former champs. Shut up. This Sunday it will be SIX SIDES OF STEEL. The faces clear the ring, except for Rhino, who gets stomped off in a corner. The other two faces dive out, and Rhino comes back with punches. Get in the ring, noobs! It's Styles versus... this guy with tattoos. Neckbreaker, one, and no. Hey, there's three guys in the ring, ref! Styles comes back with punches, but one of these heel guys isn't hearing that. AJ makes it to his side of the ring and tags in Rhino. More punches. Rhino tags in Killings, who gets... punches. Crazy twirling crossbody that totally misses. Killings jumps around like a ballerina. Everybody runs in for a brawl. Styles gets a moonsault, then Killings gets an axe kick. Why do all the brothas have to have an axe kick? The x-presdients emerge victorious as always. Killings dances.

Here we are with Larry Zybisko, who has the same taste in shirts as Sofa, apparently. And kinda looks like him, actually. Zyisko yells about SIX SIDES OF STEEL. Here's some ref who talks really quietly. Something about raven. Raven's not here, man. I can't understand what the hell this ref is mumbling about. President of what?! Something about comb-overs. Well. Up next: Christian Cage is LIVE IN THE IMPACT ZONE.

Commercials.

Here's Christian, introduced as Captain Charisma. Is that legal? Christian will be in the SIX SIDES OF STEEL this sunday. Hey, nice lasers. Christian is in the peep zone. Are we ready for Lockdown? Abyss tried to embarrass Christian and his family, but all he did was beat him up in the pool. Wow, what have I been missing? Christian is interrupted by Satan on the video screen. "We didn't publically violate your wife for the pleasure of it!" Oh, man. Satan claims that Christian has lost his focus, so here's Abyss to beat him up. Oh, and he threw SIX SIDES OF STEEL in there. Christian gets choked out with a chain and makes some really goofy faces.

Commercials. Did you know lockdown will be held inside SIX SIDES OF STEEL? God, they hired Scott Steiner? Viewer discretion is advised indeed.

Here's America's Most Wanted. And Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett's music is terrible. I'm just saying. They're up against "Team 3-D", and might I say Spike's goatee looks absolutely horrible. I refuse to call him "Brother Runt". Jesus, they're in a Capture the Flag match? When do they play stickball? Jarrett ATTAX. Irish whips into the turnbuckles. Spike counters with a rollup for 1. Small package for one. Lame ass spear, neckbreacker, and two. Spike goes up and gets croched. Spike gets an eye rake, and here comes AMW. "Team 3D" clears the ring. Bubba throws Spike outside where he lands on all the heels.

Commercials. Hungry for a real celebration? CHOKE ON A DICK AT CHILI'S

Jesus, they let Steven Segal make another movie? And we're back. Yes, it's broken doooown! Spike is beating up Jarret, D-Von is beating up... uh, storm? Jarrett ain't pretty no more. Spike eats barrier. One of AMW throws garbage everywhere. The other one is getting choked by D-Von. Oh, Jarrett and Spike are back in the ring. And Bubba. One of the annoucer's voices has gone out from yelling about the PPV. Serves you right. The crowd wants tables, but AMW attax to put a stop to that. Spike eats the catatonic. D-Von makes the save, but gets superkicked. Bubba makes the save, but gets croched by Gail Kim. Team Canada runs in for the schmozz. That won't happen with the SIX SIDES OF STEEL when they're locked in the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heel beatdown. sting's team appears. Jarrett gets a GOORE. And here's Abyss. And Christian. And Scott fucking Steiner. And STING IN THE RIIIIINGGGGGGGGGG. Cleaning up with the power of Jesus. And we're... oh, there's a video package. It's an EDIFICE OF HORROR y'all. They got some random old lady to voice over this. "If it had the gift of SPEEECH, it would proclaim.... GO AWAY! KEEP OUT!" This is horrendous. And we're out.

Final Thoughts: I'm confused.